by Lisa Lace
Victor isn’t known for his integrity. I wonder what he’s capable of with the kind of information he can get his hands on at the station. What if he runs your license plate? Can he find you like that?
Anything could happen.
Please keep yourself safe, Jenna. Stay alert. As far as I know, Victor doesn’t know where you are, but he hasn’t given up, and he’s furious.
He’s always managed to find you before.
I’ll keep my eye on Mom and Dad. You keep an eye on you. Please call me, Jenna. I want to hear your voice.
We love you.
Charlotte, Becky and Dylan
* * *
I read the letter once, twice, and a final time until the words started to run together. I felt my heart drop down into my stomach. The room was spinning. I struggled to draw a breath as the tears streamed down my face. It wasn’t over. Victor hadn’t given up.
I had been naïve to think that anything would ever, could ever, change. How many times had I moved from place to place in Pennsylvania? How many times had I changed my number? How many nights had I cried on Charlotte’s shoulder and told her I felt like I couldn’t continue another day?
Victor had been hunting me ever since I’d left him—over a year ago, now. Even when I couldn’t see him, he was there. Everywhere I went, he followed.
A shiver ran down my spine, and I put my head in my hands. Would he find me again?
I told myself that it wasn’t possible. I’d crossed state lines. I’d gotten a new job. I’d kept my address a secret. I had a new phone. I’d even dyed my hair, just in case he came to town asking about a blonde. I’d done everything possible to make sure that I left Victor far behind, yet I knew what he could do to track me down.
There were no limits to what dishonest men could do. Especially ones with a badge on their chest.
I pictured him going from door to door, flashing his ID and asking if anyone had seen a woman matching my description. He’d have no luck running my plates. I’d thought of that and bought a run-down second-hand car to get me here. But what if he went to the dealerships and asked around? What if someone remembered my name? Should I have changed that, too?
I squeezed my eyes shut and felt more tears escape. I felt like my whole identity was caught between Victor’s clasping fingers, and he was squeezing to crush the life out of me. What was I going to do?
I wanted Charlotte. Or my mom. I wanted anybody who could hold me and tell me my life would be okay. But I didn’t know anybody in this town. At least, nobody who I felt close enough to so I could tell them my secrets. Carla was around, but I didn’t want to bring Victor’s poison into our friendship.
There was Nate…had I burned that bridge? Even if I hadn’t walked him to the door that night, I would never have told him about all this. I hadn’t been in this town long enough to start hanging out my dirty laundry in public. I wanted to keep my history in the past. I wanted this fresh start to stay fresh.
Who could I turn to?
I bit down on my lip as I thought, my chin resting on my fist. Suddenly, a memory stirred in the back of my mind. Nate’s sister. Didn’t she run a support group for women like me?
Women like me…what did that even mean? Women who had been unlucky in love? Women who had stayed in a relationship for too long? Women who had been on the receiving end of a vile man’s temper one too many times?
I went to my bedroom, pulled out my computer from the shelf of my bedside table, and opened it up on my lap, brushing away tears with the back of my hand. I remembered the name of Kacey’s support group, and I typed it into the search bar.
The details flashed up on the screen. I stared at them a long time. What should I do?
* * *
The support group was held in the Village Hall, which was a little one-story building on its own lot, just one street over from the main street. It was a cute pink brick edifice with a large clock on its tower. I arrived ten minutes before the group began.
I pulled into the lot like a fugitive. I kept looking over my shoulder as if somebody I’d gotten to know in this small town would spot me sneaking in and somehow know my life story. Keeping my head down, I walked briskly across the asphalt and through the front door into the hall.
It was a surprisingly nice building, light and airy. There were glass display frames on the wall that were covered with posters and flyers for local events and groups. Most of them were wholesome activities, like the gardening club or new mothers group. It made me sad to think that there were a few of us who’d experienced the less wholesome side of life, who didn’t gather to discuss azaleas or breastfeeding techniques.
We gathered to keep each other strong. At least, I hoped I would find some strength here. God knew I needed it.
I peered around the door and found the group to be larger than I expected. There were six women there in total. Six seemed like a large number for a town so small. I wondered if that meant there were six vicious men out there somewhere, hiding in plain sight in this respectable, virtuous community. It made me shake my head sadly to think that every town had its demons moving through the crowd.
I felt nervous as I took my seat and placed my purse on the ground. I looked around anxiously at the faces of the other women sitting in the circle. Three of them were around my own age; two were probably in their mid to late forties. Then there was the leader of the group—Kacey. She’d picked up Harriet from time to time.
She recognized me, too. Her eyebrows lifted in surprise when she spotted me, but then her mouth curved into a smile, and she nodded welcomingly in my direction. She was an attractive woman who held herself with confidence. She was still wearing a suit—from work, I assumed—and her dark hair was fixed neatly into a bun at the back of her head. She wore a demure purplish lipstick and dark eyeshadow. On the surface, she looked like a serious professional, but when she smiled, she exuded warmth.
She smiled at the group now. “Welcome again, everyone. Please, find a seat. Get comfortable. I can see we have some new faces today, so let’s introduce ourselves.”
The ladies began to introduce themselves in turn, and I tried to remember their names—Lily, Elizabeth, Amy, Becky, Sue, and, of course, Kacey. I gave my own name, nervously glancing at Kacey as I did so.
“Remember, ladies,” she said, “this is an anonymous group. What we say in this circle, stays in this circle.” She gave me a comforting smile. “So, how is everyone doing this week? How are we feeling? Anyone want to get us started?”
Amy raised her hand. “Ben didn’t show up to pick up the kids this weekend. Then he shows up on Wednesday and expects me to hand them over.” I saw her jaw tremble as she drew in a deep breath, blinking back tears. “I told him that if he wanted to see the kids outside his scheduled time, he’d have to go through the courts. I shut the door.”
The group began to clap supportively.
“That must have been very difficult for you to do,” Kacey sympathized.
Amy nodded and let out a bark of a laugh. “I was shaking like a leaf the whole time.”
“But you stood your ground.”
“I had 911 dialed. I had my thumb on ‘call.’ I was ready to scream at the cops if I had to.”
I listened as the group discussed Amy’s situation a bit more. I understood she’d finally escaped a violent marriage, but was still having issues over custody. She was learning to stand her ground but was terrified every time her ex showed up at the door. I understood her fear, and my heart went out to her. I could only imagine what it would be like to have kids with Victor, to have to see him all the time for their sakes or because of a court order. It must be hell.
One by one, the other girls unloaded about the struggles in their own lives. Some of them, like Amy, still had to face their exes in their lives. Others were trying to cope with the aftermath of relationships that had torn them apart and broken them down. I felt for each and every one of those women.
Finally, Kacey turned to me. “Jenna, we haven’t
heard from you. Do you want to share today?”
I took a deep breath and gazed at the group. I suddenly felt like all my words had dried up, and I was tightly clutching my knees. The other women smiled encouragingly at me.
I wet my lips and cleared my throat until I’d managed to swallow away the ball of nerves.
“I dated a man named Victor. We were together four years. He was…well, what can I say about Victor? He was possessive, jealous, mean. Towards the end, he was violent. I stayed with him for far too long, until my family opened my eyes and I realized he was running my life. I was desperately unhappy, and I wasn’t safe with him. I walked away.”
I looked around again at the group. The women were all leaning in to listen attentively to what I was saying. Their eyes were filled with concern and understanding. I felt myself welling up. It broke my heart that other women had walked the same path as me, but, at the same time, it was nice to have people around who understood.
I kept speaking. “For the last year or so, I’ve been trying to get away from him. I’ve had to change my number more times than I can count. I moved three times. I switched jobs. This was all back in Pennsylvania. After he found me the third time, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to get away for good, and I moved here.”
“And how has it been?” Kacey asked me kindly.
I sighed and looked down. “It was going great. Better than I’d ever imagined. I thought it was over. I thought I could start to live my life again. Then I received this.” I pulled the letter from my purse and held it up to the group. “It’s from my sister. She says Victor’s been looking for me. Now I feel like I can’t breathe. I thought he’d finally given up and let me go, but here I am, wanting to run.”
“What will you do?” Elizabeth asked.
“I have no idea.”
“Does he know where you are?” Kacey asked.
“I don’t think so, but he could find out. He’s a policeman. He has ways.”
“Have you spoken to the cops here about it?”
I shook my head. “I don’t have much faith in the law these days.”
Kacey’s smile was understanding, her voice gentle. “It’s hard to do things alone. That’s what this group is for. That’s what the police are for. We need support to move past these relationships—emotional and legal. It’s peace of mind to know that the law is on your side.”
“I had a restraining order against him back in Johnstone, but it was hell trying to get anyone to enforce it.”
“This isn’t Johnstone. Maybe you should look at getting the order transferred.”
The session came to an end a while later. Nothing had been resolved—Victor was still out there looking for me—but I felt better. I felt stronger with the others around me and emboldened by their stories. All of the women were survivors standing their ground. If they could do it, so could I.
As I went to leave the group, Kacey called me over and greeted me with a warm smile. “I’m delighted you came tonight, Jenna.”
“I almost didn’t come. Brayford was supposed to be a fresh start. I was kind of hoping that the past would stay in the past. It hasn’t worked out like that. I needed somewhere to go to help me stay strong and not give up.”
“We all need support sometimes. There’s strength in numbers. You can trust these women not to pass anything along. We have a strict confidentiality policy here. To date, it’s never been broken. We’re not here to give each other’s stories away.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Kacey. That’s good to know.” I looked away for a moment and almost immediately glanced back at Kacey earnestly. “Would you do me a favor and not tell Nate I was here?”
Kacey held up her hands in a reassuring gesture. “What is said in this group, stays in this group, Jenna. I won’t say a word to anybody, including Nate. This is a safe space, and there are no exceptions to that rule.” She placed her hand on my arm kindly. “I’ve been where you are, you know. It gets better.”
“You have?”
“Sure. I was a lot younger. Naïve. He was a twenty-five-year-old drummer. I was a nineteen-year-old groupie. I would have followed him anywhere. When he started shooting up, I told myself that was just what people in bands did. When he started hitting me, I told myself that’s what people on heroin did. You get so good at making excuses for them. Life begins when you realize what they’re doing is wrong and you get yourself out of there.”
“A normal life is all I want.” I paused for a moment. I wondered if what I was about to say next was appropriate.
Kacey tilted her head and looked at me closely. She could tell something was on the tip of my tongue. “What is it?”
“I met up with Nate the other day. I guess it was kind of like a date.” I paused. “Should I be telling you this?”
“I don’t mind. I didn’t know something happened between the two of you.”
“I cut it short. I sent him home.” I looked down at the ground again and made a small, despairing shrug. “Victor was on my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I just told you. I felt awful, though. I really like him.”
Kacey smiled. “I think he likes you, too.”
“He’s mentioned me?”
“Yes. And he doesn’t often tell me about women he’s met.”
“What did he say?”
“Nothing much. But he mentioned you. With Nate, that means something.”
“Do you think I’ve completely blown it with him?”
“Nate doesn’t give up easily.”
“Do you think I’m an idiot to be even thinking about another relationship right now?”
Kacey shook her head. “You deserve to be happy. We all do. How long do you put your life on hold? If you’re not ready for another relationship, that’s fine. But if you are, and you’ve met someone, go for it. There’s no rulebook. There’s no right amount of time. No correct way to start again. You have to take things slowly and learn to trust again.” She gave me a kind smile. “For what it’s worth, I can vouch for Nate. He’s a catch, and I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother. He’s one of the good ones. If you like him, give it another shot.”
“You think so?”
“Only you know where you’re at and what you’re ready for. It’s not for me or anyone else to tell you how to live your life, so long as you don’t let things come to a stop because of Victor. If you’re happy alone, enjoy it. If you’re craving something more, don’t put up barriers. You can be happy again. You can love again.”
Chapter Eleven
Nate
“Arms up… There we go…” I wrestled Harriet into her pajamas and told her to go brush her teeth. I kept an eye on her from the doorway as she stood on her little stool at the basin. “Top and bottom teeth, please.”
Kacey came to stand with me as we watched Harriet getting ready for bed. “She’s growing up so fast.”
“She really is. Doesn’t seem that long ago that I was carrying her everywhere and changing diapers.”
“She’s happy.”
“I hope so.”
I really did. I think I’d done all right raising Harriet since Marie died, but every now and then, I wondered whether I always made the right call, or did things the way that Marie would have. Sometimes it was hard to know if I was getting it right, but the most important thing to me was that Harriet grew up happy and healthy. So far, she seemed to be both.
I finished putting Harriet to bed, read her a Fireman Doug story, and kissed her goodnight.
I closed the door quietly behind me and sat with Kacey in the living room. “Took a long time to get her off tonight. I had to read the same story three times.”
“The one with the ducks?”
“It’s her favorite.”
Kacey smiled. “She loves that book because it reminds her of her daddy.”
“A good choice of birthday present from Aunt Kacey.”
“Aunt Kacey is the best.”
“How was work today? That couple bough
t a house yet? The ones that saw, like, a hundred different places?”
Kacey held up a hand to stop me and quietly seethed. “Don’t even get me started on them.”
“What happened?”
“They decided we ‘weren’t working for them’ and found someone else.”
“What! There can’t be anywhere left to look at!”
“Tell me about it.”
“Waste of time, huh?”
“Huge.” She sighed and stretched out her legs in front of her. “And you? Work okay?”
“Yeah, work’s fine.”
“How are you feeling after what happened last week?”
I had told Kacey about the woman we’d lost on call the week before. She’d been concerned for me, as always. She hated my job and how close to danger it often brought me. She hated how the job could affect me when I had bad days. Kacey was about the only one who could tell when I’d let one of those bad days get to me.
“I’m fine, Kace. We debriefed. Talked about upgrades we could get to the equipment. We’re gonna refresh our training on getting people out of vehicles. Next time we’ll be better, faster.”
“You know it wasn’t your fault, right? When you and the crew talk about how you could have been faster, or the equipment could have been better, I wonder if you all blame yourselves.”
“There’s just no reason for the same tragedy to ever happen twice; that’s what we say. It’s our job to get better at what we do. That extra training might be the difference one day.”
“I know that. I just worry that it’s all a bit intense sometimes. Having to be the hero.”
“You’re one to talk! I bet that support group of yours gets intense sometimes. Aren’t you the one who steps up to be the shoulder for the whole world to cry on?”
“Sometimes those women have nobody else. Some of those women walk away from everything just to get control of their lives again. Simple freedoms you take for granted.” Kacey sighed and looked like she was thinking about something for a moment. When she spoke again, she changed the subject. “Last time I was here, you were telling me about that new preschool teacher’s assistant. How’s that going?”