by steve higgs
I screamed in surprise but couldn’t stop the crazed killer before he got to me. The spike of adrenaline sent my pulse through the roof as I tried to coil away from his hands. Was he going to throttle me?
Jermaine was moving forward to come to my help, but he wasn’t needed. Flint Magnum, for that was what my brain continued to label him, sat back down in his chair triumphantly holding my dreadlock wig. ‘That’s a good disguise,’ he said. Then his eyes flared again as he took in my blonde hair and finally recognised me. As his eyes went wide as saucers, he leaped backward from his chair, getting distance between him and the three of us. He pointed a shaking hand, ‘You’re the crazy chick that killed Jack Langley with a knife! Stabbed him in the back after he seduced you in the bar.’
‘I killed him?’ I repeated incredulously. ‘I killed him?’
‘You see?’ he announced to the bar. ‘She admits it.’
‘I didn’t kill Jack. You did.’
‘Me? Why would I kill him? I was still trying to prove he took it.’
There was a pregnant pause while we all stared at each other.
It was Jermaine that broke the spell. ‘Hold on. Are you saying that you didn’t kill Jack Langley?’
Flint Magnum, or whatever the heck his name was, swivelled his head to stare at Jermaine, then scanned around to take in both me and Barbie. He sighed and let his shoulders droop. ‘I was employed by… a certain lady of high breeding whose husband was somewhat neglectful of her needs. She found solace with a man that I believe to be Jack Langley while on the Aurelia but then discovered her fifteen carat diamond earrings and matching necklace were missing along with a stack of other jewels. I am supposed to recover them. I thought I had the right man and it took a few days to learn his patterns, then just when I was going to strike, you swooped in and distracted him. I couldn’t get near him because you were playing the part of the drunk.’ I blushed beneath the makeup. ‘I gave up when I saw him go into your suite with you.’
‘It wasn’t what it seemed,’ I protested, but Flint Magnum had no interest in what I had to say.
‘Next morning, he was dead, and until now I assumed you had killed him, but right now, with this vaudeville act, I have to question whether you are capable.’ He fixed me with a stare. ‘Tell me, what were you doing in his cabin that morning?’
I met his stare, ‘He took my wedding rings. And my purse. I only came on board two days ago, I had no idea who he was and certainly have no idea what he had been up to.’
‘So, you didn’t kill him?’ Flint asked, his tone utterly serious.
‘No!’ I squeaked, exasperated at the concept. ‘But I am trying to work out who did and why so that I can clear my name.’
He came back toward me and sat back in the chair next to Barbie. He turned to her. ‘I was fooled, you know. I shouldn’t have been, pretty girl like you. I should have known your interest in me couldn’t be genuine.’ Then he turned his gaze back to me. ‘Jack was probably responsible for stealing jewellery from a lot of different women. Someone has been preying on rich widows and the like for months, but they had no idea who it was until I was hired. Mr Schooner was only too happy to have me on board. I was going to solve the crime for him. All I needed was to catch him in the act so we had cause to search his room.’ That explained why they had been talking last night. ‘Jack Langley…’ Flint had been about to say something but stopped himself. Before I could prompt him, he changed tack. ‘None of the jewellery was found in his cabin, not even yours. What did you do with it?’
Jermaine stepped in. ‘Don’t you understand? Madam had nothing to do with any of this. She is totally innocent.’
‘Madam?’ Flint frowned in confusion, then the light of realisation hit. ‘You’re her butler. Aren’t you? I thought I recognised you.’
‘Yes, you were tailing us yesterday after we saw you hiding in a flower pot outside Jack’s room,’ I butted in.
‘You spotted me?’ Flint asked. He sounded confused by the concept.
‘What? You think you are a master of disguise or something?’
He sat forward in his chair suddenly. ‘I am a master of disguise,’ his voice was indignant and defensive. I wanted to point out that he was rubbish at disguise, but I refrained. Now was not the time. Everything was topsy-turvy suddenly. I came in here scared and exhilarated because I thought I was going to expose a killer, instead I had a man that was… what? Some kind of detective for hire? None of it mattered. I had pinned all my hopes on exposing this man as the killer. How did I clear my name now?
Hanging my head in bewilderment, I said, ‘I need a gin.’
‘No, Patricia,’ Barbie said instantly. ‘Sparkling water. That’s what you want. Stay hydrated.’
‘Oh, God,’ I groaned.
Jermaine moved in next to me, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder supportively. ‘How may I assist you, madam?’
I tilted my head up to look at him. ‘I just realised I have to smuggle my way back onto the damned ship.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ drawled Flint Magnum. ‘You’re supposed to be under house arrest.’
‘Yes. Thank you for reminding me. Can I have my wig back now?’
‘Oh. Oh, yeah, sure.’ He handed it over and Jermaine helped me to get it in place. ‘You really don’t have the jewellery, do you?’ I stared up to heaven wondering what I was going to have to do to get people to believe me. Sensing my infuriation, he said, ‘I’m going to take that as a no.’ He stood up to leave. ‘So, where is it then?’ he muttered under his breath. ‘I gotta find out who took it. Man, I thought I was getting close.’ Shaking his head, he was starting to walk away when I called him back.
‘Do you want to team up?’
‘Huh?’
‘Do you want to team up?’ He was staring at me with his mouth open. ‘Look. The way I see it, whoever killed Jack, probably took the jewellery. You and I are looking for the same person.’
‘I suppose we are,’ he chewed his lip a bit, ‘I’ll think about it.’
My jaw dropped. ‘You’ll think about it?’ I shrieked. ‘You’ll think about it? They plan to throw me into a jail cell in St Kitts. You know I’m not guilty and that we both want the same thing and you’ll think about it?’
‘Not my problem, toots. I didn’t get you into this. Besides, I don’t know that you are innocent, I only know that it is the story you are sticking to. I’m just here to find the missing jewellery and get paid.’ He kept going toward the exit from the bar. ‘Good luck with the fortune teller business.’
Barbie said, ‘Aw, that was nice of him. Will you keep going with the fortune telling?’
I had to stare at her to see if she was joking or not.
She wasn’t.
I’d had enough. ‘Let’s get back to the ship, shall we? I can’t take much more time in this heat with all this awful makeup on.’
The walk back to the ship took less than ten minutes and there was almost no queue to get back on because it was still several hours before we were due to sail. There was a team of staff checking passports though as the guests returning to the ship filed on board. I was going to have to show them my passport.
‘Jermaine,’ I hissed as we approached the ship. ‘What do we do?’
Murder
The short line of people was moving forward, I had hardly any time at all to come up with a plan. Jermaine gripped my hand, but he looked nervous too. His job was on the line for helping me if we got caught.
The problem with showing my passport was that I didn’t have one. Urgently, I whispered questions at Jermaine, ‘Will they let me on board without a passport? You know they will see that I am wearing makeup to disguise myself the second they take a proper look at me.’
‘Oh boy. This is a problem,’ Jermaine muttered. He was trying to not move forward as people joined the queue behind us. His eyes were wide and panic-filled as he looked about for a miracle.
Barbie saw us whispering and leaned in. ‘What’s up, guys?’ Jermaine explained
about the problem with my passport.
‘What if we go and get all the makeup off?’ she asked.
‘I don’t think that many makeup wipes exist, and it doesn’t deal with the fact that I have no passport. Plus, without my disguise, if we do somehow get back on board I then have to get through the ship and back into my suite without anyone recognising me.’ I was starting to panic. Again.
We were next in line. It was seconds until I was discovered. Why hadn’t I thought about getting back on the boat?
Jermaine bent his head slightly and whispered from the side of his mouth, ‘Faint.’
‘What?’
‘Faint. Swoon.’ When I looked at him to check I understood, he hissed, ‘Quick.’
Theatrically, I lifted a hand to my forehead, spun and folded into a ragged heap on the floor. Jermaine just about got his arms under me and called for Barbie to help. My eyes were closed, of course, but I could hear Jermaine demanding the security pair checking passports and welcoming guests back on board come to my aid.
‘She’s had a bit much to drink. Here’s my ID. I’m the butler for the Windsor Suite and this is the guest staying there. We need to get her back on board and up to her suite now.’
‘I need to check her passport,’ a polite but insistent male voice said.
‘I’ll bring it back down in a minute.’
‘But…’
‘What is it the captain says about the guests in the royal suites?’
The same voice sighed. ‘We give them whatever they ask for and everything they need.’ I could hear that it didn’t sit well with the man, but he was going to let Jermaine take me aboard anyway.
The light hitting my eyelids was suddenly gone as I was carried onto the ship. The sound changed as we went inside, the enclosed space reflecting an echoing tinny noise. There were voices coming from other guests though, so it was almost a minute before I felt them turn a corner and decide it was safe.
‘You can put your feet down,’ Jermaine said.
I opened my eyes and looked around. ‘Where are we?’
‘Girls toilets,’ said Barbie.
I breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Well done, guys. I thought I was busted then for sure.’
‘We all would have been,’ said Jermaine. ‘Let’s get back to your suite where we can relax and think about our next move.’
‘This undercover stuff is so exciting,’ giggled Barbie.
‘Exciting, yes,’ said Jermaine as we reached a bank of elevators. It was clear he didn’t think exciting was the right word. ‘Just the guard outside your suite to get by and we will be safe.’
The guard wasn’t there though. We took the long route so that we came to Jermaine’s door first and didn’t have to walk in front of the guard to get there, but it was clear long before we reached Jermaine’s adjoined cabin that the guard wasn’t standing in front of the main entrance to the suite.
My heart fell because I was busted anyway. They had gone into the suite for something and had discovered me gone. Dammit, I couldn’t catch a break. Despite the futility of it, we went in through Jermaine’s door anyway. Neither Jermaine nor I had said anything, but the look he gave me when we saw the guard was gone said everything.
‘What do we do?’ Jermaine asked when we were inside his cabin and the door was shut.
Barbie spoke first, ‘I think Patricia is long overdue a work out. Shall we deal with that first. You did so well to avoid the unhealthy food and the alcohol. You should reward your body with a hard-cardio session.’
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I felt like a I had burned a thousand calories just walking around in the heat today. Sure, why not, let’s get a work out in before they clap me in irons. The humour didn’t last long though, there was all too much harsh reality bearing down on me. I took Jermaine’s hand. ‘I think I should get clean and get changed and wait for them to come for me. We can say that you were oblivious to my absence because you were dismissed by me this morning and went ashore. I see no reason why they wouldn’t believe that. There is no need for you to take the heat for helping me.’
I could see he was thinking about protesting. A natural human reaction but I wasn’t going to let him get into trouble for me. I should never have involved him. ‘I’m going for a shower,’ I announced as I let go his hand and pushed open the door that led into my kitchen.
At which point I screamed. Jermaine and Barbie rushed to my side, Barbie appearing to my left, Jermaine on my right and the shock of the sight in front of me caused them to both scream as well.
The reason the guard wasn’t outside my door was because he was in my kitchen with a knife buried to the hilt in his ear. He looked very, very dead.
I knelt to examine him. Behind me Barbie was saying, “Oh, my God.” Over and over and over. Who had done this? Why had they done it? I wouldn’t mind knowing how as well. I was careful not to touch anything, but now I had a big problem. The man had clearly been dead for a while, the blood from the wound was dry on his skin and on the collar of his white shirt.
What did this mean?
‘I have to get cleaned up. Barbie, you need to go back to your cabin or to the gym.’ Her scared eyes dictated I needed to say more, ‘Jermaine will come for you later. Jermaine will be able to claim that he was off the boat today and returned to find the body. I will say that I was in my bedroom and knew nothing about it. They won’t believe me, but they already think I am a killer.’ I had no other plan.
Neither Barbie nor Jermaine moved. ‘Quickly, guys,’ I implored. ‘We know that none of us is the killer, so we have to trust each other.’
‘Okay,’ said Barbie.
As I stepped around the outstretched legs of the dead guard, I saw Jermaine and Barbie hug and air kiss. Then Barbie was gone. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me: dead bodies stacking up, international jewel theft, staying in the royal suite. It was overwhelming and exhilarating at the same time, but the thing I really couldn’t believe, was that I, Patricia Fisher, was handling it. I was taking charge and moving forward and doing things that two days ago I would have told the world I couldn’t do. I was about to go for a shower while a dead body sat on the floor in my rooms for goodness sake. I felt like James Bond.
No Alibi
It came as no shock to me when Mr Schooner burst through the door to my apartment and began accusing me of my second murder. I had placed the call myself once I was dressed and was determined to sail as close to the truth as I could while also lying through my teeth.
‘How did you lure Lieutenant Davis inside?’ Mr Schooner raged at me, ‘It couldn’t have been for sex.’ I’m fairly sure that was a jibe at me when he said it, not a claim that the dead guard was homosexual.
‘Mr Schooner,’ I started. ‘Mr Schooner, I will say this again and I am going to ask you to listen even though I am certain you won’t do so: I am not the killer.’
‘Ha!’ he scoffed. ‘So someone else lured him into your room and murdered him while you were doing… what?’
‘Sleeping.’ I provided a lie they couldn’t disprove and didn’t rely on anyone else to have to also lie.
Mr Schooner turned to face me. His features set to a murderous expression and all aimed at yours truly. ‘You invite me to believe that a large, muscular man was murdered in your suite and you slept through the event, only discovering him many hours later. How long’s he been dead, Doc?’ he called over his shoulder to where a man with a doctor’s bag was examining the body.
I could only see the man’s feet sticking out from the behind the kitchen counter, but his voice came back, ‘I would say three hours, maybe a little more given the body temperature.’
‘Three hours,’ Mr Schooner repeated. ‘And you were asleep all that time?’
Instead of answering, I pointed out something Mr Schooner had yet to notice. ‘The man’s body is hidden from view.’
‘Huh?’
I was currently sitting in one of the sumptuous high-backed arm chairs while Mr Schooner pa
ced about in his agitated, angry state. I had chosen to sit when I made the call to summon security and hadn’t left the chair since. I was honestly feeling a little weak from it all. I had a dead body in my kitchen for goodness sake. I lifted an arm and pointed across to the kitchen. ‘The poor man is hidden by the kitchen counter. One had to go not only into the kitchen but then around to the other side of the counter in order to see him. When I woke, as always, there was water laid out for me because my butler is attentive, so I had no reason to go into the kitchen until a few seconds before I called you.’
‘What made you go into the kitchen then?’ Mr Schooner was immediately trying to pick holes in my story.
‘I was getting peckish. Confined to my suite, I refused to let the same fate befall my butler, so I sent him ashore with his friends. When I got hungry, I went into the kitchen to find some fruit or a sandwich, which I still haven’t had because I am falsely imprisoned and have to wonder if I might be next to get murdered.’ I made a point of saying the words “falsely imprisoned” at twice the volume to show my indignation.
If Mr Schooner even heard it, he showed no sign. Instead he all but grinned at me, a knowing look that tried to say he wasn’t fooled for a second. ‘I’m quite sure that if the killer was able to take out your guard but you were the intended target, you would by now be quite dead.’ He had me there. ‘Yet again, Mrs Fisher, you have no alibi and yet again I am not able to unequivocally prove your guilt. Rest assured though, the murder weapon will be taken as evidence and all of this will be handed over to the police in St Kitts when we arrive.’
‘Why not Madeira?’ I asked, genuinely curious.
He frowned at me. ‘Hmmm?’
‘You said I would be handed over to the police in St Kitts. Why not do it here in Madeira?’