CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
One month later...
“Hurry up. I want to get there before all the hot guys are taken.” Mariella yelled from behind my bedroom door.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I didn’t feel beautiful, and I didn’t feel like going out, either. My routine of sleeping and working out had consumed my life now. Mariella felt sorry for me, so she took a week off from her photography to have adventures with me like old times. She said I needed to get out of my funk and get laid. But I was in no mood for any adventures or strange men.
Ryder stopped calling and sending flowers the week after. Truthfully, I think Mariella told him to stop. She saw how much pain it gave me each time I read one of his notes. My heart ached, my stomach was sour, and my mind was foggy. Thankfully, it was summer vacation from school because I don’t think I could take much more of seeing the new lovebirds Janie and Trent every day.
I’ve really had no time to think about him after taking a part-time job as a spin instructor at my gym. It kept me busy at least two nights a week. I spotted Ryder one evening as I left the gym, and I thought I was having another panic attack, so I called Mariella to come pick me up while I hid from him in the public restroom. She saved me again, and I would forever be grateful for her. Mariella begged me to go out tonight, and if she wasn’t such an amazing cousin, I wouldn’t have said yes. I owed her, and tonight, I would put on a smile even if I didn’t have the happiness in me.
My fingers rubbed the charm hanging from my necklace and the stone lying next to it. I couldn’t bring myself to take it off. It was still comforting to feel the stone laying on my chest against my mother’s charm.
Taking one last look in the mirror, I reassured myself that I was ready. If I wasted another minute looking at myself, I would have changed again. My body was harder from working out so much that I could see new ridges showing under my black mini body dress. The new black pumps made my calf muscles look even tighter. I rubbed down a wrinkle on my dress that didn’t settle right against my abs because I felt bloated. “Great,” I mumbled. My period was probably due any day now, and that would put me deeper into a woe is me mood.
“What? I can’t hear you.” I yelled at Mariella standing across the table from me.
The music was too loud and started to pound my head into throbbing pains.
“That guy over there is watching you.” She pointed to a guy standing at the bar.
I wasn’t interested, so I shrugged it off.
“Ella, I’m ready to go home,” I said in an annoyed tone.
“Please, just one dance with me.” She pouted.
“Fine because I love you so much.” I rolled my eyes.
As if it was meant to be, Justin Timberlake’s “Pusher Love Girl” came on as we walked to the dance floor, and it brought back so many memories with Ryder. Mariella swayed her body against mine as she serenaded me the words of J.T. My body moved with hers and I got lost in the beat. Strong hands clutched me from behind as I moved.
Looking over my shoulder, I saw a tall, dark-haired, green-eyed man who I didn’t recognize, but I didn’t feel the urge to remove his hands either. He was attractive, and I honestly didn’t mind the attention he was giving me. My body was numb to his touch. Mariella had another guy behind her too, but he was making ridiculous facial expressions while he thrust his body into hers. It annoyed me. The green-eyed guy’s hands were now moving up my sides and rubbing just under my breast. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, so I moved his hands back down to my hips as I wiggled under them.
“I love the way your body moves,” he whispered in my ear.
I continued to rock my body against his.
“That’s it move against me,” he whispered against my neck as he kissed me softly on the place Ryder once rested his lips.
Quickly, I pulled away from him. This didn’t feel passionate. It felt forced, and he smelled of alcohol. My stomach started to feel uneasy, so I stepped away from him toward Mariella. She loved the attention from the weird expressive man behind her—too much to notice I was really uncomfortable.
“Ella, I’m ready to go,” I yelled in her ear.
She put her hand up to tell me to wait a few minutes so I continued to dance next to her, hoping the green-eyed man would leave me alone. Hands were back on my hips again, and I couldn’t help but turn around and push him away hard this time.
“Back off, asshole.” My hands bounced off his chest, but the smell of his cologne was too familiar to me.
My eyes shot up from his chest to his face.
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
My legs felt too weak to hold myself up when my eyes met Ryder’s staring back at me. I needed space now. Running to the exit to get fresh air, I almost tripped over a drunken woman leaning against the hallway door.
“Sorry,” I shouted as I stepped over her hunched body.
When I got outside, I leaned against the brick of the building trying to catch my breath. My chest was closing in, and I began to gag. I couldn’t stop it as much as I wanted to—my stomach ached as bad as my heart. I pleaded with myself to hold it together, but I couldn’t. My stomach emptied right there on the sidewalk. Gripping the brick of the building, I couldn’t stop heaving until I felt his hands on my back.
“Adi, just breathe, slow deep breaths... and here drink this water.” Ryder stood over top of me until I was able to stand up straight.
I grabbed the water and took small, slow sips, while I wiped my eyes. My fingers had my black mascara on them, so I knew I looked a disaster.
“Adi, let me take you home,” he said.
“You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going anywhere with you,” I spat out at him.
“Please, just let me take you home, and I’ll leave you alone... I can’t just leave you at this nasty club throwing up.” He held onto my elbow.
My head was telling me no, do not go anywhere with this monster. But I nodded anyway.
“Whatever, Ryder. Just get me in a taxi to go home.” I took my phone out to send Mariella a quick message that I was fine but taking a taxi back home.
She asked if I needed her to join me, and I reassured her I’d be fine but to ditch that loser she was dancing with. He gave me an uneasy feeling. She quickly texted me back that she already did, and she was just dancing with a few girls she met at a wedding she worked last weekend. I felt better knowing she was with a group of girls before I left her. Ryder waved me over to him, so I put my phone away.
“Taxi is ready. Let’s get you home.” He pointed to the car.
I nodded but felt the urge to throw up again. Hunching my body at the curb my stomach twisted as I got sick again. The taxi driver shouted from the window that I was not allowed to vomit in his taxi. But Ryder threw him a hundred to shut him up. I wiped my mouth as I climbed in the back of the taxi. My stomach would be fine once Ryder was out of my sight, and I was headed back to my apartment. I felt the seat go down next to me as Ryder climbed in.
“No, no... You’re not riding with me!” I yelled as I pointed my finger at him to get out.
“Adi, chill out. I just want to make sure you get home okay.” He got in, shut the door, and waved the driver to go.
“I hate you.” It came flying out of my mouth before I could think.
He looked away from me and out the window.
“I know. Trust me, I know.” He sounded disappointed.
“You ruined me, you know that?” I turned to face him.
He looked down at my hands that were trembling.
“You ruined me too.” He looked away from me.
I felt anger building up. How dare him say that I ruined him. He was playing the victim.
“I’m not the one who lied, Ryder!” I yelled.
No tears were left to be shed. I cried more than I have my entire life in the past month, and I had nothing left.
“I never lied to you, but I am guilty of not telling you everything. I regret not telling y
ou that I defended that man for a period of time when I had no idea who you were. But the moment I met you, and I heard your story, your life, your mother, and the love of your family, I withdrew my appearance in the case.” He placed his hands over his face and took a deep breath. He looked exhausted.
“The moment I saw you, you were everything I needed. Please, Adi, you have to believe me,” he pleaded, and I watched his painful expression.
He looked different like this past month had aged him some. The wrinkles I hadn’t noticed before were defined around his eyes like he hadn’t slept enough.
“I love you so much, and it’s been hell every day I haven’t been able to kiss you, hear you, and be with you... You are my life,” he continued.
“You defended a monster. You’re not the person I thought you were.” I shrugged him off.
He shook his head.
“I didn’t know who I was either. I defended a man who murdered an innocent woman, and for that, I will forever feel regretful,” he said and paused to gather the painful thoughts that consumed him. “The moment I saw you, Adi, you made me feel something for the first time since my sister died like there was hope again.” He grabbed my hand and held it in his, and I didn’t pull away. “I saw your pain, and I felt your pain that day at the parole hearing, and there hasn’t been a day that has passed that I haven’t wanted to protect you. The amount of love you hold in your heart is something I wasn’t used to, and you taught me how to trust again. I know that’s stupid since I completely lost yours, but I hope I can earn it back.” He kissed my hand. “I miss you so much, sweet Adi. I can’t go on without you.” Tears fell down his cheeks.
I squeezed his hand because I didn’t have words. Closing my eyes, I grabbed my necklace. I wanted my mother to give me some kind of sign that this was okay. That forgiving him wasn’t wrong, that I needed him like he needed me.
“If I have to jump in your taxi a few more times to win you over, I will.” He rubbed circles on my hand. “I’ll do anything to make you feel my love again.” He smiled, but tears were streaming down his face.
The irony of him being in a taxi with me right now was hitting me hard. He first stole my taxi to get to know me and now it’s for his forgiveness. Seeing him in pain was too much for me, and I knew I still loved him just as much as I did before. Taking a deep breath, I felt a smile pull at my lips. Fighting what existed between us was too much of a struggle.
“Ryder, I love you, always have and always will.” I jumped into his lap and kissed him so deeply it took my breath away.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Three Months later...
“Blue or Sage?” Ryder asked.
“What about purple or yellow?” I laughed.
Ryder placed the paint colors against the wall.
“No, it’s a boy.” He ran his hand over my small yet bloated belly.
I wasn’t showing just yet, but my clothes were definitely not fitting right either.
“You don’t know that!” I laughed and pushed his hand away.
“Well, we will find out later today.” He smirked.
“Well, we will have some time to decide on the paint color then.” I took the paint samples from his hand.
“Whatever color you want will be perfect.” He kissed my forehead.
I smiled and placed my head on his chest. From the moment I found out I was pregnant three months ago, Ryder had been so comforting and tentative to me. I was nervous after I kept getting sick the night we made up so I took a test that week and sure enough, it was positive. Without skipping a beat, Ryder grabbed me into his arms and spun me around saying he would be the best father to our child. He has held my hair while I was sick, prepared food when I couldn’t stand it and most importantly, stayed by my side these past three months. I had no doubt he would be the best daddy to our little one. We shared the news with our families pretty early. Ryder just couldn’t contain his excitement. It shocked me at how confident he was in starting our little family. Most guys would have run for the hills.
My dad was the first person we told because honestly, my mother would have been if she were alive. He was the first to accept Ryder’s apology. I think my father saw more of Ryder’s pain unfolding that night at Chases’ house than he saw of mine. He told Ryder that in the most devastating times, you can find a saving light and that we had each other.
Chase came around to my relationship with Ryder after he heard of the baby. It took most of his pride, but he stepped up as my big brother and took Ryder out to get drinks and talk things over one night. They must have had a few too many stiff drinks during their talk because they were both the happiest pair of drunks I’d ever seen when I picked them up that night. They now have their little annoying inside jokes that I don’t get involved in at family dinner. Mariella accepted her role as godmother to my little one and has spoiled this baby rotten already. The spare bedroom in the new apartment Ryder and I share is filled with everything neutral colored you could think of. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone tonight if we’re expecting a handsome baby boy or sweet baby girl.
“Did you see it? Are you sure?” Ryder asked the ultrasound tech one more time.
She smiled at both of us as she printed the ultrasound photos. We couldn’t wait to share with everyone we invited over for dinner tonight. I couldn’t stop smiling as Ryder rubbed my belly. He was so proud.
“Hey, little one, daddy loves you so very much, and I can’t wait to meet you.” Ryder was grinning from ear to ear.
So this is what unconditional love felt like, I thought as Ryder massaged my belly.
“Well, let’s get home and start dinner. So who did you invite on your side?” I asked as I sat up from the exam table and buttoned up my shirt.
“My parents can’t make it tonight. They are flying out to the Virgin Island’s tonight, but my best friend Jake is coming.” He watched me.
It was no surprise his parents couldn’t make it tonight. They were happy when we told them but lectured Ryder on the importance of marriage first. We both agreed that we wouldn’t rush into getting married and that when the time was right, it was right, even if we had our little bundle of joy first.
“Jake is coming?” I asked excitedly.
I’d heard stories of Jake from Ryder’s childhood, teenage and college years but I’d never put a face to the name. I was excited to meet someone Ryder held so high in his life.
“Will it be Jake plus one?” I asked.
“No, he’s coming alone... the girlfriend isn’t in the picture anymore.” He shrugged.
I nodded.
“Okay, so that’s Jake, my dad, Aunt Lori, Mariella, Chase, Delilah and the kids, oh, and I invited Janie and Trent.” I felt bad that the majority of guests were mine, but Ryder just didn’t have a close relationship with a lot of people besides my family now.
***
“Adi, dinner was amazing, I have no idea how I’m finishing this dessert.” Janie rubbed my belly as she took a bite of cheesecake.
“Because it’s too delicious. Ryder gets it from the bakery next to his office building.” I took another bite. “I think he’s brought me home something new every week to try since I’ve been pregnant.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m going to gain a hundred pounds.” Ryder squeezed my shoulders from behind me.
“You will still be just as beautiful,” he said, kissing my cheek before he walked away.
“How are things with Trent?” I smiled. “You two look adorably in love,” I added.
“He’s amazing, and I’m smitten. We’re going away next week on vacation.” Janie smirked as she brushed a piece of food from her shirt.
“Oh, how romantic, you better watch out...you might end up knocked up like me.” My eyebrows wiggled at her, and we laughed until I got a cramp in my side.
A loud knock on the door piqued everyone’s attention. Ryder opened the door, and it was a tall man with dark hair like Ryder. He grabbed him into a tight hug. It must be Jake. I stood up and walked over to Ryde
r. His face was glowing with excitement.
“Hi, I’m Adi.” I extended my hand for him to shake, but he took me in for a hug.
“Adi, I’ve heard so much about you from Ryder. I’m Jake, Jake Deckland.” He released me.
Deckland, like the John Deckland, the man who Ryder resembled? I tried not to get carried away with the idea that there were too many similarities between the three men. Today was not the day to bring it up either. Holding things back in the past only left disaster, but I didn’t want to ruin today. I would talk to him about it later.
“Well, I hope you heard all good?” I shot Ryder a quick glance.
“Of course, baby.” Ryder kissed my cheek.
“Adi, you have tamed this beast. He’s wrapped up in you, and I’ve never seen him happier.” Jake smiled at Ryder.
Ryder’s cheeks blushed, and he held his hand over his heart.
“It’s true,” Jake said in a playful tone.
“Well, come on in, Jake. Food is still out and help yourself to anything in our home,” I said.
He looked around the room as he sat his luggage down by the front door. I couldn’t wait to get to know him in the next couple of days while he stayed here with us. As I scooted his bag down the hall, I saw his eyes linger on Mariella a few moments longer than anyone else. She hadn’t noticed as she stood talking to Delilah about CJ. Ryder saw him watching her as well because he winked at me.
“Come on in. I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Ryder guided him in the living room toward Mariella.
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