As the doors open and I walk out to the pool area, I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m found by Grayson, if Steph doesn’t beat him to it. What a mess. All I wanted was to relax and get lost in this day; we were having such a great time.
I take off my shoes and sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my feet in the cool water. It relaxes me for a bit, and I begin to process what just happened.
Chase just reminded me of the reasons I have guarded myself. I close my eyes and just lose myself in my thoughts. Why would I run into Chase now and here of all places?
I need to get myself under control, figure out what Grayson and I are and what my feelings are. I also know that I can’t be with him. It was just confirmed seeing Chase. Memories of the girl I was with him come crashing back to me. I was pathetic. I did what he wanted, when he wanted it. I lived for him, and he just used me. I was vulnerable towards him, and that wasn’t a usual for me. At least if he would’ve thrown me out when he was done with me, but to begin fucking other people when he made sure I was loyal to him was the last straw. All the anger of years came out, and I left him. I don’t even think I can say we were in a relationship. He always had a way of getting deep in my skin, though, and I hated myself for allowing him to do so.
“Hey, girl. I saw what happened with Chase,” Steph brings me back to the now. I open my eyes and look at her.
“Shit happens, Steph. What do you want me to say? I’m finally starting to feel happy again, and he’s here ruining everything.” I shrug.
“Hell no, Mia. I won’t let you do this to yourself. That asshole doesn’t deserve for you to get like this over him. I refuse to let you ruin your happiness because of his drunken comments or comparisons to your parents. I see you happy for the first time since we’ve met, truly happy, and I’ll be damned if I let you lose Grayson because of some douche that’s jealous.”
“Whatever, Steph. I’m just tired. I’m tired of dealing with my past. I moved to Portland to make a better life for myself, to let go of what I left behind and for some reason it follows me. Can’t help but think karma’s having some fun with me. I just want to be alone.” I feel bad telling her to leave, but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.
“Okay, but Grayson will be here in a few seconds. He’s been going crazy running around this place looking for you.”
“Okay.” I say, and she gets up to leave. I close my eyes again blocking reality.
Just as Steph predicted, Grayson appears right after she leaves. “Mia! What the hell! Don’t run from me. I’m here for you. I’m sorry I said I was your boyfriend. I know that’s not what we are, but I didn’t want to give him reason to say those things to you. I’m not some random fuck. I know we aren’t dating. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to help. When I saw how he spoke to you, I wanted to kill that fucker. I figured you wouldn’t appreciate that, so I controlled myself, was the bigger person. Then you run from me without one look back. That scared me. I thought we were finally making progress; you were beginning to trust me. I know you felt something back at the concert, too. Don’t deny it. Please say something, Sweet Pea.” He’s talking fast, and I hear the panic in his voice.
“You’re not a random hook-up. You’re my friend…who I have sex with. Maybe that’s the problem. We shouldn’t be having sex, just be friends. The lines are blurring, Grayson.” My lip hurts from chewing at it, and Grayson softly makes me release my grip by pulling it down with his thumb.
“Don’t do this, Mia. Don’t shut me out. Don’t let that guy get to you and control your happiness like that. Who was that? Was he an ex? I thought you didn’t date.” He sounds heartbroken, and I dare to glance at his eyes. I see the desperation in them.
“That was Chase. I met him in college right after I moved to Eugene. We started seeing each other shortly after. I’ll spare you the details, but not exactly an ex. He’s the only guy, besides you, who I’ve had around for a long period of time. For years my life revolved around him. He convinced me to not hook-up with anyone else and just be with him. He said he’d do the same, but he didn’t. I found out he was sleeping with a friend of mine. I broke things off with him.” I snort as I say this. “Not that we had anything to break. I was stupid and blind. He dragged me around, and I let him. Apparently, I still do.” I explain. “Sorry I never told you about him. It’s not something I like to think about.”
“Don’t you dare apologize. You don’t have to tell me. We all have a past, but that’s what it is, the past right?” He asks unsure. “Do you love him?” He whispers, and I hear the resignation in his question.
“No. I’ve never loved him. A long time ago I thought I did, but what I felt for Chase wasn’t love. It took a long time for me to realize this. Chase was lust, possession, addiction. Yes, an addiction that kept me away from my reality. He knows how to use his words to manipulate any situation, as you witnessed earlier. When I got to college I was devastated about everything that happened with my parents and my mom moving away right before my graduation. I felt lost and alone. He was easy to be around, so I found it easy to let go and give in to him.”
“I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. I’m glad you punched him, though. His expression was priceless.”
“Yeah, I told you my dad taught me to defend myself at a young age.” I say.
After some time of silence, Grayson asks, “Are we okay?”
“Yeah, Grayson. Things are back to how they were,” I say because it’s all I could say. At this moment, I know I can’t let my walls down again. As soon as I do, something comes to ruin what could be. I need to protect myself and Grayson.
“Let’s go to our room,” Grayson says pulling me up by the hand. I still feel the tension of this afternoon all around me, and although it’s not fair to Grayson, I know my walls are back up and any possibility of us has gone. It’s also not fair to him to have to deal with my baggage
Once in the room, I take a quick shower and lay down in bed. I’m exhausted. Grayson doesn’t say anything, just lies with me after he’s showered and pulls me in closely and holds me tightly, like if he were afraid I’d slip right through him.
“I already told you I won’t let you break, Sweet Pea. I know you don’t need saving. I just want to be able to hold your hand throughout it.” He whispers.
“Goodnight, Grayson.” I say, and I hear him sigh in defeat. I can’t deal with hearing the hurt in his voice, but it’s better now than later when he’s in deeper.
I fall asleep thinking of that one moment where everything was perfect, dancing in his arms to that song, which symbolized our relationship so much. I know I will always be grateful for him showing me that there’s good in people, but until I mend myself I can’t give myself to anyone and no one can fix me but myself. I don’t expect him to wait for that day to come. At least I’ll always have that perfect memory.
The next day I am quiet on our ride back to Portland. Once we arrive to Grayson’s house, Steph and Kyle get out of the car to pack their things into Kyle’s car. Before I can open the car door Grayson’s grabs my hand and asks, “Do you want to stay and hangout? I’ll take you home later.” I can see hope fill his beautiful ocean colored eyes, and I just want to get lost swimming in them.
“I’m going to go home. I need to work on my article on Nika Svatova. We’ll talk, okay? I promise, soon.” And I walk out of the car and climb into Kyle’s. I can’t bear to look his way as we drive away, but I feel a hole in the middle of my chest, like if it’s the last time I’ll see him. I know we’ll talk again. I will see him again, but we’ve lost the hope of what could have been. Tears begin to roll down my face.
“Mia, I know you’re upset but-”
“Not now, Steph.” I interrupt her. “I can’t do this now. Just let me be for once.” And I close my eyes on the short drive to my apartment.
My apartment feels bigger, like if there’s furniture missing, but I know what’s missing is a piece of my heart. I know I shouldn’t let things like what happened with Cha
se interfere with my life and my happiness, but it was a reminder as to why I kept myself closed. It also reminded me that at any given moment something could happen to ruin that happiness. I know I can’t let it dictate my life, but I just need to learn to deal with those situations when they occur. Until I do that, I can’t be with anyone.
A few hours later my phone vibrates and I check my messages. It’s a text message from Grayson. I hope you’re okay, Mia. Don’t cut me off. Please. I want you to be happy.
That’s all it takes for me to break down. I sit on my floor and let the tears fall. I don’t remember the last time I cried like this. This is why I don’t let people in because I end up getting hurt, and I do it to myself. Grayson hasn’t done anything wrong. I put myself through this torture, and I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe I deserve to be alone. I’ve got a perfect guy willing to help me deal with my demons, hold my hand through it all, and I deny him that. It should be his choice whether or not he wants to fight those demons with me, and he’s made his choice, yet I can’t give him the freedom to follow it because I’m a coward.
I reply to his text. I’m okay. I’m sorry I freaked. I just need time to work some things out. And thanks for sticking up for me. I appreciate it.
My phone vibrates immediately. Don’t apologize! I get it. I really do. Trust me. I’ll always stick up for you. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t let you break again. I care about you, Sweet Pea.
Me too, Grayson. Thanks. And I say it because I really mean it. I do care about him.
The next few weeks fly by. I have been working on Nika’s interview and combining the photographs to the article layout for the magazine. Nika came in again a few days ago to take some more photos. She really is the sweetest girl.
We’re about ready to print our issue, and I am so excited to see it on the newsstands! For the first time in weeks I have a genuine smile plastered on my face. Since the music festival, I have barely spoken to Grayson, let alone seen him. It’s been hard because although I haven’t seen him, I haven’t had sex with anyone else either, which means I am feeling the absence of having some hot piece of ass touch me all over, but no one comes close to Grayson.
We’ve sent each other messages a few times, or better yet, he’s sent messages and I’ve responded. I’m not ignoring him, although I can see how it would seem that way. We’ve kept it platonic with some casual chats.
In the past few weeks I’ve been working on myself. For the first time since I can remember, I have made myself a priority. If it weren’t having sex with guys, I was emerged in my job, never fully exploring myself and where I am going in life. Or who I truly am. I’ve been so scared to disappoint people and myself that I’ve been living on the surface of life. I want to submerge myself into life; all those things people talk about, all those feelings people have discovered through their journey.
I have forced myself to feel only two things, fear and physical pleasure, but I’ve lost track of true, deep emotions that allow us to learn and explore life.
So I haven’t been ignoring Grayson or shutting him out per se, but I need this time to myself. Fortunately, Steph and Kyle have been caught up on their own relationship and where it could lead, so she hasn’t been on my case about staying in on the weekends and my glum mood at times. Although I know this is something that I need to do, it hasn’t been easy and I have a long way to go. So when the magazine finally goes out, and Steph suggests celebrating with some drinks, I am hesitant to say the least. I miss Grayson. I’ll admit it, and going out with Steph and Kyle will only make me think of him and the last time the four of us were together. I don’t want to go home with some random stranger just to get laid. A lot has changed over a short period of time, I know. I’ve changed, and my way of reacting to situations has changed, but I guess it’s all for the good, learning to deal with my emotions. Great, now I sound like the closet psychologist.
I know I can’t avoid the outside world forever and the possibility of running into Grayson. Chances are he’ll have some tall blonde wrapped around him again. I don’t expect him to be waiting for me. I was the one that needed my time. I just hope today’s not the day. I don’t think I’m that strong yet.
Steph and I head out of work to a local bar nearby. We grab a table and order drinks while we wait for Kyle to arrive. “Cheers,” says Steph. “To your growing success. I am so proud of you. In just a few months you’ve been able to fulfill your dream.”
“Thanks, Steph. I couldn’t have done it without my cheerleader.” We drink and talk. Steph has been much more lighthearted with me and doesn’t bring up Grayson or what I’m doing with my life. She’s respectful, and I love her for that.
“Hey, guys!” Kyle greets us as he arrives and takes a seat next to Steph. He gives her a small peck. It’s so loving and tender. I’m a little jealous. I wish I could be so carefree and open with someone I care about.
“Hey, Kyle. Thanks for coming out. How are you?” I say.
“I’m good, Mia. It’s good to see you out. I miss seeing you. You’ve been kind of a hermit lately between work and all that, but I wouldn’t thank me for coming so soon.” Kyle says looking guiltily at me, and my heart can’t help but race at his comment. What is he talking about? “I accidentally invited Grayson to join us,” his face contorts anticipating my scream. “We’ve become friends since we went to Promenade, and I ran into him earlier today. He asked what I was up to tonight, and I told him we were coming here. He didn’t ask to come, but the look of disappointment he gave me that you hadn’t mentioned it to him made me feel bad for the guy. He’s head over heels for you, Mia, and I think you should give him a shot. Being a guy, though, I also know he won’t wait forever until you find yourself.”
And there it is. What no one has dared to say out loud. I am “finding myself.” I’m not freaking finding myself like some crazy person, I am trying to heal myself so I won’t make the same mistakes I have in the past because I want to do things right. “It’s okay. I’ll have to see him eventually. I was just hoping it was a more crowded place with a better fire exit.” I joke.
“Well, I’m glad you feel that way because he’s walking towards us.” Steph says. I’ve never felt so nervous in my life. For God’s sake, I’ve had sex with this man, but I still feel bad for leaving him the way I did and not really sharing with him what is going on. I guess in a way I have kind of shut him out.
“Hey, y’all.” Grayson says, and the familiarity of his voice and accent hits me and gives me chills.
I take a deep breath before turning to him. “Hey Grayson. How are you?” I try for nonchalant, but I know I’m not fooling anyone. This is so awkward, even more so having Steph and Kyle witnessing it. I’ve always been the cool and collected one.
“I’m good, Mia. Congrats on the issue. Kyle told me it goes out tomorrow. Can’t wait to read it.” His expression falters letting the disappointment he feels for my lack of communication show for a second. Anyone else may have missed it, but I’ve learned to read him so well.
“Thanks,” is all I could manage to say as silence fills the table.
I am ever so grateful when Steph interrupts, breaking the tension a bit, and says, “Drinks all around? I need a refill.”
“Yeah. I’ll go with you,” and I stand up to follow her towards the bar.
“What the hell is all that about, Mia?” Steph asks in disbelief.
“I don’t know. I’m nervous. Last time I saw him I had just ran into Chase and was a mess. We’ve spoken a bit, sure, but I haven’t seen him since that Sunday we came back from the music festival.” Had I known I’d get the questioning and accusations from Steph, I would’ve let her get the beers by herself.
“Well, you sound like an idiot. Sorry, but as your best friend I gotta tell you how it is. And let go of your lip! It is just Grayson. You can hold a normal conversation with him. We’ll take a shot before going back to the table to help you ease off the tension.” She orders two Jager shots, and we shoot them back quickl
y.
We go back to the table with a round of beers. After I finish my beer, I am feeling more confident and relaxed. The conversation is light around the table, but Grayson and I haven’t really spoken directly to each other. It’s like we’re dancing around Steph and Kyle, avoiding direct contact.
“Anyone up for a game of foosball?” Kyle asks excitedly.
“I am!” I respond. “This is my favorite game.”
“You’re on,” says Kyle challenging me with his eyebrows raised.
“Shall we do teams?” Grayson asks looking between Kyle and myself a little unsure of himself. He’s usually so much more confident.
“Sure,” I say with a shrug.
“I get Steph!” Kyle exclaims. I give him a death stare. He must be doing it on purpose for Grayson and I to be on the same team. “If I beat her she’ll kick my ass, and if I lose to her she’ll never let it go. Gotta play it safe.” He laughs, and I can’t help but laugh with him. It’s so true. Steph will find a way to never let him live it down.
“I guess that leaves you and me, Sweet Pea.” I just nod. Hearing him say that nickname brings back memories of the first night we slept together, and so many more after that. It may seem silly, but it is so endearing.
We begin playing and my competitive side comes out. “Damnit!” I yell as Kyle scores another goal. The score is five to three and we’re losing. Grayson isn’t the best at this game, but it’s kind of cute watching him struggle to block the balls. I put him to tend to the goalie so I could be in the center of the table, but he’s let the balls slide in.
“Competitive much?” Grayson asks amused. I blush. I know he’s never seen this side of me, but I could get very competitive, that’s how I’ve gotten so far in my career, landing my dream job right out of college and rising in such short time.
Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) Page 9