“Steph, thanks for being here today. I don’t think you know how grateful I am for your support. It means the world to me.” I hug her, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I’ve been an emotional mess lately.
“I’ll always be here for you. That’s what best friends are for. One day you’ll see that that was all Grayson wanted to do, too; support you in life.” I smile at her and nod, my heart clenching at hearing his name. She’s right though.
“Now go spend time with Kyle. At least one of us should have a hot night with a hot guy,” I laugh.
“Will do,” she says, winking as she leaves my apartment.
Finding myself home alone, I look around the apartment and wonder how I begin to live my life free of my past decisions and resentment. My thoughts go back to Grayson and what he really means to me. I regret letting him walk out of my house. I regret how I responded to him out of fear, but like Steph said earlier today, we are all responsible for our actions. I need to take responsibility for the way I reacted to him and for running to Chase. I also know that I can’t live my life in the shadows of other people’s lives.
I grab my car keys and drive. It’s been a while since I’ve visited my dad, and he always knows how to make things better. Same way I don’t talk to my mom, my dad has been my rock throughout my life. I spent years angry with him for his decisions, but because I wanted the best for him. I didn’t agree with him trying to save his relationship with my mom, but I guess love makes you do stupid things. I wanted him to be happy. When he hit rock bottom, I was there to help him pick up the pieces. He’s the only family I have, and I wouldn’t trade him for any other.
I pull up an hour later outside my childhood home. He never wanted to sell it and move. He always said the memories helped him stay strong and move forward in life. I didn’t get it, but I dropped it after some time. He’s been sober for almost seven years, so it must be true.
He’s sitting on a bench in the front porch when I park in the driveway. I quickly get out and hop up the steps. “Hey dad!” I greet him. “How are you?”
“Hey baby girl, I’m great. Enjoying a cup of coffee and this gorgeous weather. We’re having a perfect summer.”
“Yeah, the weather’s been amazing. Mind if I join you for a bit?” I ask unsure if he is able to see that I am a mess.
“I know you didn’t drive all the way over here if you weren’t planning on sitting with me for a while. I’ll get you a cup of coffee.” When he returns with my coffee, he asks, “What brings you out here? You didn’t work today?”
“I took a personal day. Thought I’d come visit you. It’s been a few months since I’ve been able to come. Works been hectic with all the interviews and articles but in a good way.” I smile thinking about how much I love what I do.
My dad raises a questioning eyebrow and says, “You took a personal day? That’s not like you. What’s going on?”
“Do you ever regret meeting mom?” I went straight in, no BS.
“Straight to the point like always,” my dad says smiling and shaking his head. “No I don’t. I know our relationship was far from perfect, and we weren’t the best parents to you, but I’ll never regret the time I spent with her nor having you. You’re my baby girl, and I’ll always love you, even when it may seem like I don’t.” I can see the sadness in his blue eyes as they mist over.
“I know you love me, dad. I never doubted it. You did the best you could on your own. You were also struggling with how she hurt you. I’ve been trying so hard to not end up like her that I’ve ended up doing the same as her.” I say as tears fill my eyes. This is harder than I thought. I take a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. The last thing I want is to lose it in front of my father. He’d only worry.
“You shouldn’t live your life trying to not be someone. You should live your life being yourself. You’re an amazing woman, sweetheart. You’re so strong and independent, but you also love strong when you open your heart. Look at all you’ve accomplished in life. You go for what you want, and you achieve it. There’s no battle you’ll lose. You saved me from a life of alcoholism and wasting away. You’re a fighter, since the day you were born, stubborn as hell, too, but that doesn’t mean you need to be alone in the world.” My dad says. “She loves you, too, you know. In her own way, but she does. You may not remember, but there was a time your mom was a caring and loving woman. There’s a reason I fell in love with her and wanted to start a family with her, but she had it rough growing up. Her parents were abusive. Her dad is an alcoholic, and her mom was always too scared to stand up to him. She never really escaped it until she became an adult. Even then, the demons of her past followed her. I did my best to love her with everything I had to make up for the loss of love she had from her childhood, but that wasn’t what she needed. She made bad decisions, I’m not excusing what she did, but learn from her mistakes, don’t get wrapped up in them.”
I’m shocked by the information my dad just shared. I had no idea about my mom’s upbringing or anything about my grandparents. She always said they had died when she was younger, and maybe in a way they had. It doesn’t excuse the way she’s lived her life or the mistakes she’s made, but I guess I, of all people, knows what it’s like to live with the past haunting you.
“When did you become so wise,” I say joking. My dad has always been wise, but when he hit the bottle to overcome his depression, he became a totally different person. He seemed lifeless during those years. It’s nice to see him back to his true self. Seeing him like this makes me realize that we all can bounce back from hardships if we truly want to.
He laughs, “I’ve always been wise, especially when it comes to your happiness. Now tell me why you came here with all these questions. You met someone.” He states confidently.
“Yes, but I’ve also screwed things up so bad that I’ve lost him. I swore at a young age I wouldn’t make the same mistakes you and mom made, but I’m right there with you. No offense.”
“None taken, baby girl. I know we hurt you. Tell me what happened.”
I begin telling my dad all about Grayson, how we met, our friendship, and my fear of feeling more. “He’s an amazing guy, dad. He’s been a great friend, supportive, caring and patient. God knows I need someone patient. He also challenges me. He’s a bit of a smart ass, but in a good way.” I smile at the memory of Grayson showing up to my apartment with dessert, sneaking a date in. “He’s proven to be trustworthy and protective, but I let him go.”
“Anyone that makes you smile the way you just did is worth fighting for, baby girl.”
I give him a crooked grin, my lower lip caught between my teeth. He’s right. “Thanks for listening, dad. You always know how to put things in perspective. I had no idea mom had gone through that. I guess it makes sense in a way. I’ve still got a long way to go when it comes to her, though.”
“I know you do, but remember none of us are perfect. That doesn’t mean you should live your life avoiding making other people’s mistakes. Make your own mistakes, and grow from them. You can come to me anytime. I’ve missed seeing you lately. And remember to never stop fighting for what makes you happy. Once you’ve got him back bring him over. I’d love to meet the guy that has opened my daughter’s heart.”
I give my dad a huge hug, and he kisses my forehead. He always knows what to do and say to make things better. Seeing him so strong and optimistic after all he’s been through is an inspiration. He’s right; I need to live my life for me.
I drive away feeling happier. The sun is setting as I drive back home and watching the sun sink between the mountains gives me hope for a happy future. It’s a peaceful drive, and I’m enjoying the quiet time to myself.
I get home and am making something to eat when Steph texts me. She found out that there’s a yoga class tomorrow morning and wants to go. I agree to go with her, feeling content with making choices that are healthy for me. Any other night I’d be out at a bar, on my way down drunken street with some stranger feeling me up
and down. As much as I enjoy getting felt up, I need to stop losing myself in men and alcohol. Besides, no one has ever really compared to Grayson since I met him.
Sadness overcomes me thinking about him, and I eat quickly so I can go to sleep and forget last night and today. Its been an emotional twenty four hours, and I want to clear my mind for a few hours. As optimistic as I am about living my life away from my past, knowing I may never again see or hear from Grayson adds to my heartbreak. You’d think once your heart was broken it would stop hurting, but the pain is just more intense.
I go to sleep hoping to get away from this pain in my chest for a little while and looking forward to trying something different tomorrow.
I wake up a few hours later sweating and my heart racing out of my body. It was just a dream, but it felt so real. Tears are streaming down my face. It is still dark out. I try to catch my breath and slow it down along with my heart beat.
I dreamt with Grayson. Cold gray eyes stared at me, emotionless, lifeless. His face was pale. I tried to reach out for him to comfort him, bring life back to him, but I couldn’t hold him. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I was stuck in place. He just turned and walked away until he disappeared.
It felt so real, losing him like that without being able to help him. My mind, fully awake now, realizes it is real. He did leave, and I did nothing to hold him back. I hold my pillow tightly; hugging it to my chest like if it would fill the hole I have there, and I sob.
I wake up earlier than usual. I haven’t slept much after that dream, or nightmare rather. I cried more than I ever have I think. I finally dosed off to sleep but woke up too many times throughout the night. I just wanted the sun to rise so I could get up.
The yoga class isn’t until 10:30 am, so I put on a pair of shorts, tank top, and running shoes. I head out, running out of my apartment with no particular course in mind. I let my body guide me, turning left and right as it goes. I run fast and hard through the streets, skimming past the few pedestrians taking an early Saturday stroll.
When I can’t keep going anymore, I stop and begin to walk, catching my breath. I stop at an intersection waiting for the light to turn and a neon yellow flyer on the light post catches my attention. It’s an old flyer for Promenade. That does me in. I lose it. I sit on the ground and begin to cry. I can’t go anywhere without thinking about him. He’s everywhere. He’s permanently etched in my heart and soul. How do people move on from this kind of heartbreak?
“Are you okay ma’am?” An older man asks, startling me.
“Yes, thank you. Sorry. I’ll go.” I get up and begin to walk home.
“Don’t be sorry. Whoever he is is stupid for letting you go, though,” he says. Great, I must look like a fool crying in the street and so obvious as to the reason why also. I offer a tight smile and walk away.
I get home twenty minutes later exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I think about cancelling on Steph, but decide against it remembering she said it could help with my emotions and right now I need a freaking miracle. I shower and begin to change but stop. What the hell do people wear to yoga? Is there some kind of dress code, or can leggings and a top work. No sneakers, right? What kind of workout doesn’t require sneakers? This is going to be interesting. I decide on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. I wear my sneakers anyways. It’s easier to walk in them. Plus, workout clothes with sandals just look weird.
I meet Steph outside the studio and we walk in together. “You okay today?” She asks. I nod unconvincingly.
“I went to visit my dad yesterday. It had been a while since I had seen him and could use his advice. He also gave me some insight on my mom I didn’t know about.”
“That’s good, Mia. I hope one day you realize you have an amazing life and decide to live it moving forward without looking back at the past every second. Hopefully sooner rather than later. This thing with Grayson is ridiculous. Just talk to him and tell him how you truly feel.”
“Steph, he made it very clear when he walked away. I don’t expect him to be waiting for my phone call. I’m sure he’s ready to move on to the next one who is willing to give him everything he wants. Let’s just not talk about him today. Please. I’ve had a rough morning and don’t need to be reminded of it.”
“Okay, but you should know he hasn’t moved on to the next one. He’s pretty upset about this. I don’t think he’ll move on as quickly as you think.”
“How the hell-”
“Because he spoke to Kyle last night. He’s pretty beat up about this.” Steph interrupts me, answering my question.
“Oh,” is all I could say before setting up my mat.
The class begins with some stretches and progressively gets more intense with some interesting poses. I am athletic and love running and working out, but this class is definitely more challenging than I had anticipated. I have to twist and turn my body in ways I never have, not even during sex. I struggle with some of them, not able to do a couple at all.
At the end, the instructor has us lie on our mats in corpse pose as he calls it and tells us to slow our breathing and relax our bodies. The pose name is ironic since I’m feeling dead inside, so I happily oblige. I find it hard to relax until he begins to speak. My mind is all over the place. I half hear what he’s saying about relaxing my muscles, clearing my mind, and then he says something that catches my attention.
When facing a challenge, or something that didn’t turn out the way you wanted, ask yourself ‘what new desire does this bring forth?’ Focus on that new desire instead of feeling sorry for yourself. You control your reaction to experiences and how they will affect you, positively or negatively? The choice is ultimately yours. How will you live your life?
Damn, he spoke straight to me. I got a little spooked out listening to him. I see what they mean about working through emotions. If every class has something like this, I am going to be reflecting a whole awful lot.
I really enjoyed the class, though. It was different than what I had expected. Steph seemed to have enjoyed it, too.
“What did you think?” Steph asks excitedly.
“It was fun, definitely harder than I thought. I liked it.”
“Good. Let’s come back again this week!” Her voice is loud, and she’s speaking animatedly.
“Sure. Let me know when, and I’ll be here. It beats being home alone.” I say already dreading having to go to my apartment and think about how my life has gone so wrong.
“Let’s grab some lunch, Mia.” Steph says shaking her head at my depressive tone.
Chapter 12
The rest of the weekend passes by uneventfully. Steph invited me to go out Saturday night with her and Kyle, but I wasn’t up for it and didn’t want to risk running into Grayson or making any poor decisions.
I get to work and turn on my computer to check my e-mails. After missing work on Friday, I’m sure I’ll have some e-mails to get back to this morning. I am half way through my e-mails when Toni walks into my office.
“Hi Mia, how are you feeling? You look good today.”
“I’m much better, Toni. Thanks. I am so sorry about Friday. I never take a sick day, I was just totally out of it.” I explain.
“It’s okay. We’re all entitled to a day off. I need you well and healthy in order to write your best, which reminds me, I have your next assignment. It’s a short one. You can have a break from the hectic few weeks that just passed with Nika’s cover and all.”
“Perfect. Thanks. What do you want me to write?” I ask, curious and eager to begin working on something.
“I want to include an article titled 5 Signs To Know He’s the One.” I just stare at Toni in disbelief. Seriously?! This is what she wants me to write about. Hi-fucking-larious! Karma is having a joy ride with me.
“Is that a problem?” Toni asks taking in my expression and lack of speech.
“Absolutely not,” I say plastering my best smile on my face.
“Perfect. I can’t wait to read it.” She says
as she leaves me alone in my office.
Neither can I, I think to myself. 5 Signs To Know He’s the One. What do I know about this? A better article would be 5 Ways To Scare Away the One. I better start researching and interviewing people “in love.” I get to work on it, seeking my inner goddess for some kind of insight into the world of love.
At noon, Steph peeks into my office to go grab lunch. She can’t help but laugh when I tell her what Toni has assigned. “Maybe it’ll be good for you to write about this,” she says trying to hold in her laughter.
“Oh yeah, daily reminder of Grayson.” I can’t help but grimace.
“Just go with it, Mia. Don’t over think, just write. This is your career. You’ve always been able to separate your personal life and your career.” She’s right of course.
Back at the office I begin to brainstorm reasons why you would want to commit to someone forever. I write down a list and begin to work on it thinking about conversations I’ve had with friends and acquaintances in relation to this topic. Things that made them realize they were in love or ready to settle down with someone.
Surprisingly the ideas are rolling off my mind, but I am exhausted by the end of the day and leave work to escape the memories that have surrounded me all day writing this article. Unfortunately, I have thought more about Grayson than I wanted as the ideas of commitment that would come to mind made me realize that I feel those things towards him.
I head to yoga that evening with Steph. I have found that it has been really helpful in relaxing and accepting my life and myself as I am. Just after that first class I was able to reflect and think back at my past actions and why I lived in that way. I’m hooked.
Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) Page 12