by Anne Violet
“You don’t need to worry--”
“Grandmother!” I yelled, exasperated. “Just tell me everything so I can at least be prepared.”
She shook her head and gave me a hard green-eyed glare for yelling at her. “I do not know for sure. I am assuming some kind of evil spirits—it’s been so long since someone has come into such strong powers. We just don’t know. But we are going to take every precaution. I don’t want you worrying for no reason. We are going to take care of you.”
Taking a deep breath and counting to ten, I finally sat back down. “I take it we are not telling my mom or dad?”
She didn’t answer right away and seemed to be thinking it over. Eventually she got up and reheated her coffee, and then sat down heavily, “No, it will only bring them unnecessary worry. Your dad walked away a long time ago from the religion. They are both safer being ignorant of what is happening.”
Nodding my head in silent agreement, I had kind of figured that. “Does the grove know?”
“Yes, they’ve all known for some time now. Those of us with some ability can usually sense it in others. So we have merely been waiting for yours to awaken,” She murmured.
She seemed more relaxed now that everything was out. I wished I could feel even remotely the same. I only felt worse. I still had so many questions; I didn’t know where to begin.
“Why doesn’t dad have any gifts?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to skip a generation but I have always figured it goes to those that are best able to handle them.”
“And you said there are others with powerful gifts in Ireland. Like what?”
She smiled at this. “There are some that have amazing gifts, like a set of twins that are both empathic, a shape shifter; one of your own relatives is telekinetic.”
I was sure my jaw had dropped to her hard wooden table I was so stunned. “You’re kidding, right?’
“No, and I would like you to consider going to Athboy, Ireland this summer. I think it would be good for you to learn our history and be around others with gifts as strong as yours.”
My chin was surely bruised by now. “What? How? I don’t have any money to go over there and what about my mom?”
Knowing she had piqued my interest she was smiling from ear to ear now. “The grove will handle the arrangements and I will deal with your mom.”
I heard the note of satisfaction in her voice. She and my mom had never gotten along very well. Feeling so emotionally exhausted at this point, I could barely nod my head.
“Alright Grandma, let me think about it for a bit. I gotta go but I will call you later this week.”
Giving her a hug goodbye, I left more solemn and quiet than when I arrived. It would have been nice if the weather had calmed down with me, but instead it pelted me with hard cold rain as soon as I stepped off the stairs and made my way to my bike.
Once at home, my mom thankfully gone again, I collapsed on the couch like I weighed a thousand pounds. It was a thousand pounds of worry, no doubt; at least Cody was pleased that I was home. He curled up next to me and went to sleep. Sighing, I pulled out my phone to call around and see how Chris and the other riders were doing. It took forever to find someone who actually knew what was going on and then reluctantly I had to endure their congratulations on my good luck of having crashed just before the pileup.
Chris had been hurt the worst, sustaining injuries to his spleen, a broken rib, fingers and a severe concussion, but he would survive and would completely recover in time. Most everyone else who had been sent to the hospital had already been sent home to recover, which was a huge relief. I wanted to avoid the fact that Christian hadn’t called me but it was hard. Did he sense that something was not right about me and change his mind? Was he afraid of me? It could be possible he just didn’t feel the same way about me anymore; I don’t know… Maybe it would be a good idea to go to Ireland this summer, get out of Steilacoom for awhile.
Eventually I forced myself to my feet and into my room to get some homework done. I refused to let my whole future go down the drain over all of this. It took forever to finish everything since I was so distracted. My mind seemed fixated on everything my grandmother had told me. Then there was the whole worry about Christian and what he was thinking. There was no way he would just shut me out like this and then act like everything was normal tomorrow. It was tempting to just skip school tomorrow. Even though I knew I wouldn’t. I knew my grandmother, and Tina, in some respects, knew everything that was going on and were there for me, but I still felt so alone and strangely empty. Getting up and sitting down next to my window, I wrapped my arms around my legs, staring out into the night.
The world felt odd to me now, less bright, less hopeful and more frightening. I didn’t know if it was from a new knowledge of what existed out there, or the apparent loss of Christian. Maybe it was both. Hearing the sound of my mom’s car parking in the driveway, I turned off my light and closed my door. I hoped she would think I was asleep and go straight to bed. Once inside, I could hear her rummaging around in the kitchen, then her footsteps neared my door. They seemed to halt for a moment, then eventually she moved on to her room. I felt kind of bad for deceiving her but what could I talk about with her? There was so much of my life I couldn’t tell her or anyone for that matter anymore.
Turning at the sound of Cody’s light padding steps I watched with a half-hearted smile as he leapt up onto the windowsill. Almost mimicking me he sat down and wrapped his tail around him as he stared outside. For a time I just admired this classic of all cat poses, body straight and regal, ears upright, completely calm. So it was a surprise that for no apparent reason he started flicking his tail back and forth. A feeling that I was being watched flooded over my body even though I knew with my lights off that I couldn’t really be seen unless someone was right at the window.
I didn’t see anyone at first then I caught the barest silhouette under the trees at the back of our property. I started to tremble as I considered that it could be Nicolas. Leaning even further away from the window, I studied the form but I still couldn’t tell who it was. I pulled my phone out preparing to call the cops if necessary. Just then a little gust of wind blew, parting the leaves of the trees he was under, and the light from the street lamp hit his face. It was Christian. I started to smile and breathe a sigh of relief even as the light left his face and was in darkness again. Then my smile faded and my heart lurched against my ribs as I realized he wasn’t here to talk to me.
The darkness surrounding him seemed appropriate and part of me wondered if I had really known him at all but even thinking that, I still felt myself drawn to him. If I thought he would welcome me I would go out there now. My heart beat painfully as I watched him draw further into the dark and quietly walk away. Suddenly my head started to throb again and out of frustration, I fought it, refusing to give in, breaking my word that I would stop fighting it. It was because of my gift that this was happening, and I didn’t want to have anything to do with it. So I went to bed with one of the most blinding headaches I could remember and was paid back with nightmare after nightmare of Christian walking away from me.
The next day dawned disgustingly sunny and warm. The complete opposite of what I wanted. As I looked at my reflection in the vanity I knew it was going to take all my skills to hide the dark circles under my eyes and look halfway presentable today. I had a feeling I was going to need it. I decided to wear all black to fit my mood and grabbing my sunglasses headed out the door. At school the urge to turn around and go home was strong; especially when I saw Christian’s car in the parking lot. I had kind of been hoping to forestall seeing him for a bit, but as I was about to head into class I saw him waiting for me, his expression grim.
His beautiful normally warm brown eyes were flat and cold as they looked down at me, “Can I talk to you?”
I didn’t trust myself to talk so I gave a jerky nod of my head and forced my expression to remain impassive. I moved as far away from
my class door into some semblance of privacy as I could, but he seemed intent on talking right where we were.
He looked away as he bent down towards me, whispering in my ear, “I can’t see you anymore, it’s interfering with my recovery.”
Even though I had suspected he was going to break up with me, it still felt like he had physically slapped me and I jerked away in reaction. I was glad my sunglasses were still on, hiding the tears that had welled up in my eyes. Inwardly I shook as I watched him walk away from me like I was nothing to him, which apparently I was. Feeling the stares on me, I got a strangle hold on my emotions. I just needed to make it another six hours and then I could break down at home. Taking a deep breath, I forced probably one of the fakest smiles I ever had onto my face and struggled with my control the rest of the day. When Tina saw me later as I was about to head into yearbook, I shook my head at her warning her that I wasn’t in the best of moods. She approached me slowly; avoiding giving me the hug that she knew would break me.
“Meet me after school at my house,” she said softly, then walked away.
It was good to have a friend who knew me so well words were unnecessary. After school I really wanted to go to Saltar’s to relax and think but it was too close to Christian’s house to feel comfortable. So with great reluctance I went straight to Tina’s. Her mom was at work so at least we could talk privately. After maintaining such rigid control on my emotions all day, all it took was the compassionate expression on her face and I broke down as I stepped through her door. Wrapping an arm around me she led me to the couch, alternating hugging then patting my back as if she was trying to find the thing that would help ease the pain away. Luckily for her she had no idea how impossible that idea was. Eventually I was sick at the sound of my own crying and I forced the pain down and away, burying that horrible feeling with everything I had. I scrubbed my hands against my cheeks like erasing the sign of my tears would erase the pain.
Knowing I was ready to talk now, she faced me. “What did he say?” she asked softly. “That he couldn’t be with me because I was risking his recovery.”
She cocked her head to the side, confusion written all over her face. “He was in rehab?”
“Oh no,” I said cringing. “I forgot you didn’t know. It was private so I hadn’t told anyone, at least until now.” Even after the way he had abruptly broken up with me I still felt like I had betrayed his confidence.
“Don’t worry. I am not going to tell anyone.”
“I know,” I whispered.
We both leaned back, sinking into her comfy couch contemplating the situation. I could see some of my own pain reflecting back at me from her face. It bothered me that she was worrying about me. I tried to think of another subject to talk about but my brain went on strike. “Do you believe his reason?”
I don’t know,” I said shakily. “Does it matter? He doesn’t want me anymore.”
Interlacing her hands, she looked down and away from me, “I suppose not.”
I started to feel the urge to cry again but I felt I had filled my quota for the day so I started racking my brain for another topic to cling to. “I don’t want to talk about this right now… How are you and Jim?”
She started twisting her fingers and looked sadly at me. “We can talk about it later. ”
“It’s fine Tina, I need the distraction.”
“It has been going real good. He asked me to prom today,” she said quietly.
“That’s great,” I breathed.
Oh god, prom. That’s right. I no longer would be going with Christian. I had been so excited, planning my dress for the last couple weeks. A somewhat scandalous dress that I had hoped would render him completely speechless. I also had been fantasizing almost as long about what he would look like that night. I had thought it was going to be so romantic. One of my friends, Michael, was even going to come over to help me do my hair. It was hard to believe that it was this Saturday. So much had happened… I felt my hurt start to rise up again to strangle me and I slapped it back down. Making false promises that I would let it out later when I was alone, promises that I didn’t have any intention of keeping.
“Tina did you want to wear my dress to Prom. It’s really pretty,” I murmured, thinking I had done a pretty good job of keeping the tremors out of my voice.
She looked at me horrified, “No, you’ve been planning that dress for awhile. Just because you are not going with Christian doesn’t mean you can’t go. There is still any number of guys that would go with you, even at the last minute.”
I shook my head. “It’s not important, it isn’t my prom anyways. There is always next year.”
Even though I had been helping to plan the prom before I even met Christian, the moment he had asked me, he had become the reason I wanted to go. There would be no magic to it now.
“I suppose I can just make sure everything is set and ready to go and then I can leave.”
She leveled a harsh look at me, “Absolutely not, it is going to be amazing and you should be there to enjoy it. I want you there to enjoy it with me.”
I didn’t want to make her feel bad but she had to understand. “Tina, you are my best friend, but right now the last thing I want is to be around a bunch of happy couples.”
As I had suspected she looked like she felt guilty now for asking me, but she had to know. I squeezed her shoulder as I got up from the couch. “I want you to have a ton of fun, it’s just… I am not going to be there.”
“Ok… Are you leaving already?”
“Yeah, I’ve got to go home to do homework.” She looked at me in obvious doubt, but hugged me and let me go.
CHAPTER 8
I felt like I cried more in the next couple days than I had my whole life. The feeling of my eyes being sticky and swollen began to feel like their normal state. Everyday was a rollercoaster. At school I would count the hours until I could get home and drop the façade that everything was ok. Then my mom would get home and I would have to lift up the mask and put it on again. I tried to remember what I had been like before and play act myself. I gave myself harsh lectures that I was too strong to let a guy have such an effect on me. At one moment I was filled with self pity and the next-- intense loathing for being so weak. It seems I had been right to fear the bond that had been between us. No…that was incorrect. Apparently the bond had been one sided. Which I guess was no bond at all. Did he feel nothing? Was I that delusional? I kept torturing myself with memories of our time together; the first time we met… hugged… kissed. Did it mean nothing to him? I didn’t believe his reason, anyone else maybe but not him. My intuition screamed that he was lying. He was too strong, too focused, to fall backward like that, unless he did so by choice. Had I not lived up to what he thought I would be?
What hurt the most was he didn’t even seem to look at me when we passed each other in the hall; like we had never passed an intimate moment. Like he had never held me against a rock while he had sucked on my neck till there was a mark so dark that it had taken a mountain of my best makeup to cover it up. I wondered if it was possible that he had marked my heart too, a bruise like that, would never recover. Thursday morning I found myself staring at my reflection in the mirror. The mark he had left on my neck was almost gone and I got mad, really mad. How dare he shake my confidence. It was his loss not mine and I refused to be so down over any guy for one more stupid minute. For the next half hour before school I threw myself into a flurry of activity; picking out my sexiest clothes, styling my hair to perfection and then creating the sultriest makeup look I could think of. When I had finished I stared at the fading mark on my neck, which was very visible with my low cut sweater, and decided I wouldn’t cover it. I hoped that the sight of it would torture him like it did me. Then I headed out for school.
For the first time I decided to take advantage of my bad girl look and act the part. After I had parked in my usual spot, I took my time getting off of my bike, pulling off my helmet and shaking out my hair like I was in some c
ommercial in slow-motion. Once I was sure I had garnered enough male attention I sashayed my way to class.
As I got close to my classroom door I noticed Jenny and Tanya heading my way. Once they had noticed that I wasn’t with Christian anymore they had started antagonizing me every chance they got. I had been too vulnerable to fight back before-- but not today. As they approached I let the evilest smile I possessed cross my face as if to say, I beg you to try something today, and they quickly got out of my way and said not one, single word.
While I sat fuming in first period, a plan came to mind and I looked around for a likely target to help me. Finally my eyes settled on Kirk. He wasn’t my type, but he was attractive enough and was a huge flirt which was exactly what I needed. I stared hard enough at him that he finally turned to look around, and I smiled flirtatiously at him. When he smiled back and gave me a little nod to say what’s up, I knew my plan was in play. Inwardly I was rubbing my hands in glee like some villain in an old movie. I wasn’t surprised that as class ended he walked straight up to me, his eyes glittering like he had just won me without even trying. What an idiot.
That was ok though, he was just a decoy. I kept him talking about himself of course, as he walked me all the way to second period. This time I could feel Christian glance at me. I smiled inside; this girl’s mourning time was over. Once Christian went into his class I dismissed Kirk ruthlessly and then started looking for my next target. I decided on Michael, practically a duplicate of Kirk, a senior jock who thought a great deal of himself. During class I discretely and sometimes not so discretely went into a mad round of texting every guy and girl I knew, to come party at my grandmother’s property this Friday night as kind of a pre-prom party. Luckily my grandmother was going to be gone Friday night at a friend’s in Seattle so she would be none the wiser.
As I stepped out of class with Michael in tow, I made sure to laugh loudly at everything he said and looked straight up into his face flirting outrageously until I knew Christian was out of sight. Then just as I had with Kirk I ruthlessly cut him loose. By the time I got to yearbook, I had a variety of guys buzzing around me and word of my party had spread through most of the school, but I only gave my select invitees the directions. I wasn’t stupid; I didn’t want any druggies or serious trouble makers there. Just some cute guys that could hopefully make me forget all about Christian. I must have looked as dangerous and wicked as I felt because Michelle was staring at me worried and censorious. When everyone broke out to do their own thing she grabbed my arm and hauled me outside. I decided I better try to take the reins of the conversation.