by M. J. Haag
“Brenna!”
I looked at the figure approaching from the left. Angel waved and picked up her pace. I scanned the area to my right again, searching for any sign of Thallirin before moving toward her.
“I thought you were going to run away from me for a minute there,” she said with a smile when I reached her.
“No. I was looking for someone.”
“Oh?”
“Did you need something?” I asked, ignoring her hint that I should tell her who.
“I wanted to invite you to lunch.”
“Why?” I didn’t mean to say it like I had, but I couldn’t help feeling her invitation was a little strange since we didn’t really know each other.
“For something to do. Now, I’m not complaining,” she said, holding up her hands. “I appreciate the relative safety here. But, it does get a little boring. Spontaneous infected breaks-ins aside.” She tucked her hands into her big jacket pockets and shrugged. “I figured being stuck in here for the day was probably driving you crazy after all the exciting supply runs.”
“Going on supply runs isn’t exciting. It’s a terrifying necessity.”
“Necessity?” she asked, looking truly confused.
“Yeah, how else are we going to keep feeding ourselves?”
“You could ask one of the fey to bring you supplies.”
I shook my head.
“That’s not a long-term solution. Eventually, some girl is going to give in, and that fey will be gathering supplies exclusively for her. Like you and Shax.”
She smiled.
“You have a point. All I have to do is mention a craving, and he’s out the door to look for it. I have a case of snack cakes in the kitchen because of it.”
“Snack cakes?” My mouth watered at the thought of one. I’d been so busy craving anything not dog food that I’d forgotten how amazing dessert could be.
“Come on. I’ll share.” She turned and started walking but only made it two steps before pausing.
“Do you need to find someone first?” she asked.
“That can wait,” I said, catching up to her. Thallirin had left in a rush for a reason. Maybe giving him a little time was for the best. I knew that was my stomach talking and not my conscience, though.
Angel and I walked in silence for a moment.
“Garrett mentioned you’ve been his partner in the truck the last few days. He makes it sound boringly harmless being out there, but I know better. I heard that yesterday was far from safe for you.”
“Heard from who?” I asked, preferring not to dwell on what had happened.
“The fey talk. If you ever want to know something, just ask one of them. They don’t know the meaning of privacy or secrets. Which is the second reason I thought you might want to have lunch with me. I heard that Uan’s spending the day with your mom.”
“Yeah, I could have used that heads up earlier.”
Angel laughed.
“Have you been traumatized for life?” she asked.
“Not for life, but dinner’s sure going to be awkward.”
“Only if you let it,” she said. “I swear, the fey don’t care. My understanding is that they didn’t wear much in the caves. Shirtless is their preference, even up here in the snow. I can’t say I mind the views. Their muscles have muscles.” A wistful smile curled her lips.
“Are we trying to unscar me or make some more?”
She chuckled.
“You’ve had to notice. I mean, you’re not blind.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed. I’ve just been smart enough to keep that notice to myself.”
“Why? These guys would love the ego boost. I accidentally flashed one. I think it was the best day of his life.”
I snorted. Angel had no boundaries, it seemed.
“So, who’s caught your attention?” she asked. “Any fey I know?”
“It wasn’t anyone specific,” I said quickly. “Just general observation.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Liking one of them would fix your problem.”
“Problem?”
“Having to go on supply runs. You said you didn’t want to ask a fey because you might lose him to a girl. Ever think that maybe you could be that girl?”
She turned up the sidewalk of one of the houses and opened the door for me. I stepped inside before answering.
“Not really,” I said. “Although I suppose now that Uan’s with Mom, he’ll probably get supplies, too.” I kicked off my boots. “I’m not sure I’d want to stop going on supply runs, though.”
“Why’s that?” Angel asked, removing her jacket.
“Going outside the wall is scary. The infected are changing. Getting smarter. If I stop going out there, then something happens to force me out again, I’m not sure I’d have the skills or knowledge to survive. Going out as I am now is forcing me to adapt with the changes.”
She nodded, hung my jacket by the door, and motioned for me to follow.
“Makes sense. But what about the other benefits of having a fey of your own?”
“Like what?”
She went to a kitchen cupboard and pulled out a whole box of snack cakes, which she tossed to me.
“Like not ever having to worry about turning because of a bite to the leg,” she said as I caught the box.
“What kind of relationship would it be if I’m just there for the food and the sex?”
“A really good one?” She grinned. “There are a million reasons to be with a fey, not just food and sex. They’re attentive, caring, funny, affectionate, great at backrubs, loyal, trustworthy—not with secrets, though—and kind, even in the face of extreme prejudice. Should I go on?”
“Kind might be a bit of a stretch,” I said. “It’s definitely circumstantial for those not of the fairer sex.”
I opened the box and ripped into a snack cake.
“You’re right, there. Shax would have tossed Garrett over the wall if I hadn’t stopped him. But that was jealousy.”
She opened her own box of cakes and sat at the table.
“Seriously, you’ve never considered taking up with a fey just for the sake of safety from infection?”
I sat and toyed with my cake.
“That’s what my mom’s doing. I mean, she really does like Uan. But, that’s why she considered hooking up with one of them in the first place so soon after…”
It hurt to think that we’d lost Dad just over a month ago. Yet, it felt like a lifetime. So much had happened. So much had changed and kept changing.
“I’m sorry about your dad,” Angel said softly.
“Me too.” I took a large bite to soothe the ache in my heart.
“Thallirin would give up both testicles to be your grey someone.”
I choked on my cake so hard that I teared up.
“You think I’m kidding, but I’m not,” she said.
I managed to swallow and shook my head at her.
“I know you’re not kidding. However, Thallirin’s complicated.”
“How so?”
“He wants to control everything. It’s beyond stifling. It’s the kind of control where you stop being who you are.”
She tilted her head at me.
“Are you sure about that? I thought Shax wanted me just for the baby. That I was going to be a passing fling. That once the baby was born, he’d go back to wanting Hannah or some other girl. But he proves that theory wrong every day. Instead of assuming something, ask. The fey are incredibly honest. Like run and hide from the embarrassing moments kind of honest. You might find he doesn’t want to control you at all. He probably just doesn’t know how to behave around you. You’re the first girl he’s ever been interested in.”
Thallirin’s words echoed in my mind as I swallowed my last bite of cake. All the other women he’d met had been too terrified of his scars to ever give him a chance. While his scars didn’t scare me, what I’d thought he wanted from me had. And because of my fear, I’d treated him just as horribly as all the res
t of the assholes from Whiteman. I was better than that.
With the food in my stomach and Angel’s well-meaning advice, my conscience grew so loud I could no longer ignore it.
“I think I need to take a raincheck on lunch.”
“Oh, no. Why? I swear I can make us just about anything.” She opened a cupboard to show her stock of food. It was downright enviable.
“It’s not that. I appreciate the snack cake a lot. But, I need to go talk to Thallirin. He’s the one I was trying to find,” I admitted.
She grinned at me.
“That’s easy. The best way to find a fey is to just shout his name. Shax can make it to the house in less than a minute, no matter where he is in Tolerance.”
“I’m not going to go out there and yell Thallirin’s name.”
She shrugged.
“Suit yourself. It’s pretty rewarding seeing one run to you.”
“Like a trained dog?”
“No, like a man in love, desperate to keep you safe, fed, and happy.”
I sighed. That was the last thing I wanted to see.
“I think walking to look for him will do me good. I have a lot to think about.”
She nodded and followed me to the door.
“Come back anytime,” she said as I slipped my boots on. “If we don’t answer right away, give us a few minutes.” She winked to make it clear why a few minutes might be needed, then opened the door for me.
“Thanks for the talk,” I said.
“Thanks for listening.”
I walked away from Angel’s house with a lot on my mind.
Every single attribute that Angel had listed about the fey was true. They were decent. Never once had any of the fey done anything to justify the hate the survivors from Whiteman unleashed on them. The idea that I’d been treating Thallirin just as poorly as the Whiteman asshats had treated him didn’t sit well with me. Sure, I could try to justify my bad behavior as the only means to get him to leave me alone, but I knew that wasn’t true. Eden had proven that her suggestion to just tell Thallirin the truth had been the right one.
My fear had blinded me, and I cringed at the thought of what other decisions my emotions might be negatively influencing. Angel’s comment about me being some fey’s girl echoed in my mind.
While I knew women, including my mom, were hooking up with fey for food and immunity, I just couldn’t see it as an option for myself. It felt too much like the decision I’d been forced into back at the bunker. Yet, was I being a fool for ignoring the most obvious answer for safety? The fey, for all their bigness and muscle, were nothing like Van. They were completely naïve about women and many other things, just as Angel had pointed out. And just as I’d pointed out to my mom, neither Drav nor Thallirin had threatened me or even gotten angry when I’d struck out at them.
I sighed heavily.
The bite yesterday had been terrifying. The idea that I could turn and become infected obviously weighed on me, given how much I’d dreamt about it.
Was it foolish to dismiss Thallirin’s interest?
While I wasn’t ready to make the decision Mom made, maybe I should talk to Thallirin and ask some questions about what exactly he wanted from me. Oh, I knew his long-term goal was to get me to be his girl in every way. But what about short-term? He was determined to protect me and had already been providing supplies for us without expecting sex from me. In fact, he’d done all of that while I was being angry and rude. Was it wrong to try to be nice to him in return?
While the answer would be ‘no’ for most people, it wasn’t for me. It felt like all the things he’d done had been to create an obligation for me to be nice.
I sighed in frustration, hating the mental loop I was in.
Even if he continued to do as he’d done, watching out for me and my family, it seemed wrong to decide to just stay home and let the fey take all the risks when I was able-bodied. While it made sense for Angel, given her condition, and Mom, given her limitations, I couldn’t see it ever making sense for me. And I couldn’t imagine a life where I was safely tucked away in a house.
Yet, everyone here seemed okay with the tradeoff. Sex for safety. Although Thallirin had never said anything about sex, I hated that it felt as though everyone was pushing me toward him like he was my prearranged marriage or something.
My steps slowed, and I considered the conversation with Angel in a new light. Had she been doing the same thing?
I shook my head and kept walking. Whether she was or wasn’t didn’t matter because she’d said something that was completely true. Something I’d already determined for myself. I didn’t know Thallirin, and if I wanted to fully understand why he had acted the way he had, then I needed to ask him.
I slowed for a fey walking toward me.
“Have you seen Thallirin?” I asked.
He shook his head but looked around us.
“He should be close,” he said.
“Thanks.”
I stopped a few more fey before giving up. I was starting to think that Angel was right and I’d need to yell his name to find him. My cheeks flushed at the thought. Everyone would think things that weren’t true. While I didn’t care what they thought in theory, I did care in reality because I didn’t want them to go back to treating me like I belonged to Thallirin.
“Brenna.”
I whirled around at the sound of Thallirin’s voice and found him just behind me.
“You’re hard to find,” I said.
“Why are you looking for me?”
“Because you left before we were done talking.”
He studied me in silence, and I glanced around us. The neighborhood seemed quiet, but I knew better. The fey were out there with their sharp eyes and keen ears.
“Is there somewhere we can go to continue our conversation in private?” I asked.
He nodded and started walking in the direction I’d been headed. I hurried to catch up, glancing at his face, trying to read him.
“Are you okay with talking to me?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t tell. It’s hard to read how you’re feeling based on your expression. What does your angry face look like?”
He glanced at me.
“I don’t know.”
“Are you angry now?”
“No.”
That answer made me nervous. If that wasn’t his angry face, I really didn’t want to see him when he was angry. I recalled his cold expression on the roof when he’d thought I’d been bitten. It was just a flash memory because I’d been so terrified myself at the time, but I could remember the worry I’d felt.
“How often do you get angry?” I asked.
“Rarely.”
“Good to know.”
His steps slowed.
“You wanted to talk about my temper?”
“Not really.”
He grunted and kept going. We wove our way toward the center of “town,” and I followed him to a house that matched all the other homes in that section. Opening the front door, he let himself in and turned to wait for me. I hesitated to go inside.
“I thought you said you didn’t have a house.”
“I don’t. This is Uan’s. He’s with your mom.”
“He’s not going to mind if we use it?”
“No, he’s not using it now.” He said it as if it was completely obvious that Uan’s lack of current occupancy meant the house was free to use.
Hoping Uan truly wouldn’t mind, I stepped inside. Thallirin closed the door and then stayed there, standing really close to me. I tipped my head up to look at him then started taking off my jacket.
“What are you thinking?” I asked as he watched me.
“I’m wondering what you want to say to me.”
I hung my jacket in the coat closet and held out my hand.
“Can I have your jacket?”
He shrugged out of it, his chest rippling with the move. The image of him shirtless flashed in my mind. It wasn’t his scars or bites tha
t stood out in the memory but the hard ridges of his abs and the slight dip above his navel. Was I noticing because of Angel’s talk or just because?
I hung the jacket up and kicked off my shoes.
“I guess it’s not just one thing I want to talk about. Let’s go sit in the living room.”
He followed me and waited until I sat on the couch before taking the nearby chair. It creaked under his weight, and I wondered if I looked as dwarfed by him as the chair did.
“I’ve been very vocal about not wanting anything to do with you. Yet, you’ve continued to watch out for me and bring supplies to our house. Why? Is it because of the hope you have that I’ll change my mind?”
“The hope I feel is my burden, not yours. Choose no one. Choose another fey. It won’t matter. I will still keep you safe and see you fed. I want nothing from you.”
“That’s not true. You do want something from me even if you’re trying not to want it. You said you wanted a female for companionship. But we both know that’s not all you want. What about sex?”
“I will not have sex with you.”
The abrupt way he said it surprised me.
“Ever?”
His gaze shifted, searching the room as if he was seeking a quick escape. It was more annoying than funny. He’d already run from me once. I didn’t want that happening again.
“You and I are having problems because we don’t understand each other, and we never will if we keep running away from the conversations we need to have.
“We have a rule in my family. If you’re thinking something, say it. Miscommunication is the number one problem in relationships.”
His gaze locked onto mine at that last word.
Damn hope.
“Any kind of relationship,” I said, clarifying. “Since you’re always around, I’m hoping we can put aside our differences and try to be friends. To get to know one another. I was mean and rude to you because I was afraid you’d take anything else as encouragement to pursue me. I don’t want to keep going as we have. But I need to know what your long-term hope is because if it’s something I don’t think I can give, I want to be upfront about it. I don’t want to lead you on.”
His ears darkened, something I’d noticed happens with the fey.
“Are you embarrassed?”