by M. J. Haag
I screamed. The sound was cut short by a hand over my mouth.
“Brenna, you are safe,” Thallirin said, his expression showing his shock.
Dragging in a breath, I pulled his hand from my mouth.
“Shit, Thallirin. I think you almost gave me a heart attack. What are you doing here?”
Even as I asked it, his current wardrobe gave me my answer. He wore a pair of athletic shorts. That was it. The broad expanse of his scarred chest distracted me from my question. Yes, I’d seen him shirtless while at Hannah’s, but I hadn’t truly noticed just how muscled the man was. It was impressive and very drool-worthy. I didn’t blink until his hand came up and nervously swiped over his scars.
I focused on his face, guilty I’d made him uncomfortable.
“Uan told me I could have his house,” Thallirin said in his low rumble, answering the question I’d already forgotten I’d asked. “He will live with your mom now.”
“Oh.” I looked around awkwardly. “I’m so sorry I just barged in. I thought it would be empty.”
“Why are you here, Brenna?”
I could feel a flush creeping into my cheeks as I looked up at him.
“My mom and Uan are having sex. A lot of it, and very loudly. I can’t fall asleep there. I figured since Uan wasn’t using his house, I could sleep here. I didn’t know he’d given it to you.”
I turned to reach for my jacket.
“You can sleep here if you wish,” Thallirin said behind me. “There are three bedrooms to choose from. I can sleep outside.”
My initial “hell, nah!” reaction to sleeping in the same house with him was killed with that last addition. It struck me right in my still sprinting, treacherous chest organ that he would endure another cold night outside just to put me at ease.
I dropped my jacket back on the floor.
“There’s no way I’m kicking you out to sleep in the cold. But if there’s three bedrooms and you don’t mind me taking one by myself, I’ll gratefully stay.”
He grunted and stepped aside.
I turned down the hall opposite the kitchen and peeked into all the rooms. The master was obviously used by Uan, and more recently, Thallirin. The other two rooms were neatly made up, ready for me to claim.
“I’ll take this one,” I said. “See you in the morning.”
I closed the door behind me, took off my jeans, and climbed into bed.
My level of trust with Thallirin was higher than I realized because I immediately fell asleep and remained comatose until early morning light shined through the bedroom’s window.
Stretching, I listened to my knees pop and yawned loudly before frowning and lifting my head to look at the open door. I’d definitely closed it last night.
Frowning, I got out of bed, more worried about the hint of char I smelled in the air than why Thallirin had opened my door. My nose led me to the kitchen. Still dressed in athletic shorts, Thallirin stood in front of the stove, staring down at the smoking pan.
I waved my hand in front of my face and coughed lightly.
“I don’t know what you’re cooking, but if it starts smoking, it’s usually done.”
“Something isn’t right. It’s still gooey,” he said, glancing back at me.
His gaze swept over me, and the plastic spatula in his hand snapped in half. I looked down at myself. Nothing was hanging out of my top, and my shorts covered my bits. All I was showing was legs and arms.
Shaking my head at his reaction, I crossed the room and reached around him to turn off the burner.
“You have the heat too high for pancakes,” I said, looking at the mess in the pan. “Lower is better for those. And a cover.” I reached up and turned on the hood vent. “This thing vents the smoke outside. I can’t believe the smoke detectors aren’t going off.”
He continued to hold completely still in front of the stove, watching me.
“So, you like pancakes?”
“No,” he rasped. “I was making them for you.”
“You didn’t need to do that.”
“I wanted to do something for you. Something that was given freely.” The words were sweet as was the way his eyes kept flicking to my pajamas.
“Does what I’m wearing make you uncomfortable?” I asked. “I can go put my jeans—”
“No,” he said quickly.
His gaze dipped to my chest, and I watched in fascination as the tips of his ears darkened. My pulse jumped a little.
Trying to ignore both our reactions, I reached up and gently set my fingers on his chin, turning his head so I could look at his neck.
“The bite looks better,” I said. I carefully ran my finger over the skin just around the scab. “It’s not overly warm, which is good.” I leaned closer, frowning. “In fact, it looks mostly healed. That’s amazing.”
He closed his eyes, and a full-body shudder shook him, obviously too much touching for him to handle while I was still wearing pajamas.
“Sorry.”
I went to take my hand away, but his closed over mine. He didn’t force it back, but he held it like he wanted to. Like he was trying so hard not to.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said.
“I’m not upset.”
“You look like you are.”
He exhaled slowly.
“I’m desperate and confused and trying to be neither.”
His honesty had me willingly returning my hand to his skin just below the bite. He didn’t try to stop me, but a small noise did escape him. For the first time, I really considered what this moment might mean to him.
While my experience at the bunker previously had me writing off sexual contact for the rest of my life, I’d never once wanted to give up physical contact. Mom and Zach hugging me was a balm to my soul. Even the smallest touch or gesture from them, when I was feeling down and alone, helped. I couldn’t imagine going through a lifetime without that kind of contact, let alone several lifetimes. That Thallirin had endured just that only to come to the surface and feel like I—the girl who the rules said he couldn’t yet be with—was the one for him had to be torture.
“You want to be touched just as much as you don’t want to be touched. Am I right?”
He closed his eyes and gave a small nod.
“I understand,” I said. I trailed my fingers down his throat to his chest, tracing over the scars. He shuddered again.
“Will you tell me to stop if something bothers you?”
“Yes.” The word was a rasp of a whisper.
I could lie to myself and say that I was trying to comfort him with my touch, but I wasn’t. I was touching him for me, too. Because with each scar I traced, my heart beat just a little faster. My breathing became just a little shallower. I was touching him to test me. To try to figure out why I was reacting the way I was. Was it real? Why him? Those two questions quietly whispered into my mind until they wouldn’t leave me alone.
“Do you want to touch me?” I asked, smoothing my palms over his shoulders.
“Yes.”
The word was filled with enough need that I should have been running for the door. But I didn’t. I stood my ground and asked the most terrifying question I had ever asked.
“How do you want to touch me?”
I braced myself for a boob grab or a southern grope but received neither. He opened his eyes, his gaze feathering over my face as he reached up, his hand trembling, and gently stroked a finger down my hair. Another tremor ran through him, and he dropped his hand to his side again.
That was it. He’d wanted to touch my hair.
I took his hand and lifted it to my cheek. His breathing grew ragged. Knowing I’d pushed us both far enough, I turned my head and pressed my lips to his palm to comfort and thank him.
He jerked back from me as if scalded, and an angry growl echoed from his chest.
“I’m sorry,” I said, inching back. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
He fisted his hand at his side, and I looked down at i
t, wondering what he meant to do. My gaze didn’t stay there, though. It shifted to his waist, where all thought of an enraged fey evaporated at the sight of the massive tent he was sporting. No, tent was the wrong word for it. The shorts weren’t that loose. His meat-mallet was trying to rip its way free of the pathetic material.
He wasn’t angry. He was raging the biggest boner I’d ever witnessed. I’d never be able to unsee it.
As I stared, it twitched.
His fingers touched the bottom of my chin and forced my gaze up to his eyes.
“You’re too young, Brenna. Eat. I will return.”
He left the kitchen, and I stared after him in amazement. He didn’t just have restraint; he had an iron will. And probably a set of blue balls from hell.
Why did that make me want to grin like an idiot?
I scraped the burnt pancake mess from the pan and started over on the breakfast he’d been trying to make me. I knew pancakes weren’t the fey’s first choice in breakfast food. It was meat. It was always meat. That Thallirin had been up trying to cook something specifically for me only made me smile more. Even with the promise of nothing, he was still doing what he’d said he would do.
My smile fell, and I felt a little cruel. Oh, guilt wasn’t going to get me to hop into bed with him, but I sure was going to try to be a lot nicer and more understanding.
By the time Thallirin returned, showered and dressed, I had a nice stack of pancakes made and the table set.
We had a quiet breakfast together where he kept glancing at me.
“What are your plans for today?” I asked finally.
“I have no plans.”
“Me either. Want to spend some more time together?”
“Yes.”
“Great. I’m going to head back to my house to shower and change. Should I meet you back here in an hour?”
He grunted, and I went to the bedroom to put on my jeans. They weren’t on the floor where I’d left them, but on the bed, neatly folded. The bed was made, too.
“You don’t have to clean up after me,” I called. “You’re already doing me a favor by letting me stay here.” I tugged on my pants and buttoned them.
Turning, I squeaked at the sight of him standing in the doorway. I was beginning to recognize when I’d done something he’d really liked by the color of his ears. Watching me put jeans on over my sleep shorts was about a six in his book. The palm kiss had been a seven. I wondered how he would react when I did something that ranked higher. The thought didn’t upset me. In fact, I kind of wanted to find out.
Dangerous territory.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” I said, edging past him. “Don’t give my room away while I’m gone. I might need it again tonight.”
Outside, I took a deep breath and smiled. Maybe it was the good night’s sleep. Maybe it was knowing I had another day where I didn’t need to leave the safety of Tolerance. Or maybe it was Thallirin’s now flattering attention and my resolution to be nicer to him. Whatever it was, I felt alive and happy.
Smiling even bigger, I started home. I’d only made it a block when I spotted Zach coming my way.
“If you’re headed home, don’t,” he said.
I took in the dark circles under his eyes.
“They didn’t stop?”
“Not yet. Next time you have a bright idea in the middle of the night, come get me, too,” he said.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
“Like anyone could sleep through that. Uan’s a machine. There were like fifteen-minute breaks, at most.”
“Have they come out of the room yet? Did you make sure Mom was okay?”
He gave me a disgruntled look.
“Yeah, Uan came out to make me breakfast because Mom was sleeping. He was bare-assed while making me waffles. Like I was going to eat his pube waffles.”
I was laughing so hard I snorted.
“He made enough for you, too. You should go check on Mom.”
“I’m good,” I said between giggles. “What are you going to do today? Want to come back to Uan’s? Well, not Uan’s. He gave it to Thallirin because Uan’s officially moving in, I guess.”
Zach’s expression vacillated between horror and confusion.
“I’m not sure what’s getting me more. The idea of listening to Uan and Mom go at it like rabbits every night or the idea of you willingly hanging with Thallirin.”
“Har-har. Thallirin didn’t understand what was going on before or why what he was doing was so abrasive. Now that we understand each other a little better and he’s not trying to boss me around, he’s pretty nice. He tried making me pancakes this morning.”
“You know what? I think I’m going to go see what Garrett’s up to today. He has a house to himself. Maybe I’ll crash there tonight, too.”
I cringed at what he was hinting at.
“You think Mom and Uan will be at it the same way tonight?”
“I don’t see it changing any time soon. Not the way they look at each other.” His humor fled, and he looked down at the ground. I knew where his head had gone, and I gave his arm a comforting squeeze.
“She’ll always be our mom,” I said. “But she needs this, Zach.”
He nodded.
“It just feels like the family is falling apart.”
“No. It’s going through an awkward growth phase. Enjoy your freedom at Garrett’s while you can because Mom’s going to put her foot down and demand you come home as soon as she figures out what you’re doing.”
“What about you? Are you going to risk staying at Thallirin’s again tonight?”
Staying at Thallirin’s didn’t feel like a risk at all. In fact, the idea of waking up and seeing him again tomorrow morning appealed to me far too much.
Chapter Eleven
“I’m going to enjoy my freedom, too, while I have it, and I’m eating all of Uan’s junk food while I’m there.” I shivered and looked in the direction of our house. “I’d planned to go home to shower and change, but I’m not sure I want an eyeful of Uan. Let me know if there’s anything going on today. Two days in a row watching movies is going to get a little boring.”
“Will do. You do the same.”
“I will.”
He walked off toward Garrett’s, and I turned around to head back to Thallirin’s. If I was lucky, I’d find something else to wear at his house. The fey were known to collect women’s clothes in hopes that they’d catch a female for themselves as if we were wild rabbits just running around waiting for their snares and cuddles.
Thallirin opened the door for me before I even reached it.
“Hey,” I said. “Hope you don’t mind I’m back so soon.” I stepped inside and removed my jacket. “Turns out Mom and Uan are still having sex. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare clothes here, would you? I was hoping for a shower and a clean change of clothes when I went home.”
“Go shower. I will find you something and put it in your room.”
“Really? Thanks.”
I closed myself into the guest bathroom and stripped down. Because of the supply runs, I didn’t usually shower in the morning. It was too cold to have wet hair while guarding the trucks. And I’d skipped my shower last night because I’d assumed I’d have one this morning—it being a no-supply-run day. After going for days at a time without bathing post-quakes, I ensured I got my daily showers when I could.
Testing the water, I ducked under the spray with a sigh and washed my hair. I didn’t linger long. Just long enough for my skin to turn pink and my fingers to prune. Okay, I took my sweet-ass time and loved it.
When I finally got out of the shower, I dried off then wrapped the damp towel around my torso to cross the hall. A set of clothes waited on my bed as promised.
“Thank you,” I called as I dropped the towel and picked up the underwear he’d set out for me. They were mine.
Frowning, I looked in the bag on the chair and found that everything in it was mine.
I turned toward the b
ed again and froze at the sight of Thallirin in the doorway. He was gripping the frame, and his head hung low like he’d been punched in the balls. He wasn’t looking at the ground, though. He was looking at me with tormented eyes.
As I watched, the darkness consuming the tips of his ears spread to his face and down his neck.
“Are you okay?” I said softly.
“Forgive me.”
He straightened and stepped into the room.
My pulse skyrocketed, and I retreated a pace.
He didn’t follow, though. He reached for the knob and pulled the door closed so I could dress in private. I exhaled slowly and wondered how I felt about what had just happened. Sure, my pulse was pounding in fear, but there was something else there, too. Something terrifyingly unexpected. Disappointment. But was it because he hadn’t chased me or because I’d retreated from him and likely hurt his feelings?
I hurried to dress then left my room to look for Thallirin, unsure if I needed to apologize or thank him. He wasn’t anywhere in the house, though. Figuring he might need some time to cool off, I went to the snack cupboard to look for something new then put on another movie.
It took Thallirin an hour to return, and he wasn’t alone.
“Bundle up, Brenna,” Zach said, in greeting. “Garrett and I had an idea.”
I turned off the TV and tossed Zach what was left of the snack mix I’d opened.
“Oooh. This stuff’s good.”
I watched in amusement as he scooped a handful into his mouth and chewed.
“Maybe you better explain what’s going on,” I said.
Given Zach’s mouthful, I looked to Thallirin for an explanation. For the first time ever, the big guy wasn’t studying me. Thallirin’s attention remained on Zach as he answered, and I knew it wasn’t because Zach was horking down the snacks.
“Zach wants to take the supplies you don’t need and trade at Tenacity.”
Instead of asking if he was all right, I decided to let Thallirin’s weirdness slide until we were alone and could talk about what had happened.
Zach finished chewing and rolled up what was left of the bag to put into his pocket.
“Garrett’s in the same boat as we are. He has a surplus of stuff and is hoping he can trade for more diversity. While we could just swap out supplies with what’s in the shed, we figured trading with Tenacity might open up more goodwill. And, with new survivors hopefully coming their way, maybe we can help Matt out without making it look like a freebie.”