by R. J. Blain
“You really hit your boss in the face with a lamp?”
“I absolutely hit him in the face with a lamp. Once he’s done picking glass shards out of his face, he’ll send one of the fucking assholes over to clean the mess up, and it’ll let him do some minor rehab work without it cutting into his schedule. You’ll have to learn how to do that sort of micromanagement. Sometimes, the best way to get something done around here is to make a mess that Lucifer needs to clean up. Just plan the messes accordingly. If you spot a good opportunity to force him to do some light rehab work, do so. We want to keep his workload light, but we also need to make sure he’s visible. And yes, we really do call the souls in need of rehabilitation fucking assholes. It was Darlene’s idea. Souls don’t make it here without needing some serious alignment adjustments, so it’s fitting.”
Life, just when I’d thought it was going to be over, had become strange. “There’s the problem of my education.”
Diana made a disgruntled noise before clearing her throat. “Your education is not a problem. Lucifer wants us minions to have the schooling we want. I’m taking classes in the evening, because higher education was denied to me due to my circumstances. Now I go in to learn what I want, and I have a tutor to help me catch up on what I missed due to religiously restricted learning. Your record implies you come from a poor background, but your parents took your schooling seriously, so you went into higher education ahead of the curve—and your grades up to now have been stellar. Better than perfect, really. We’ll adjust your schedule so you can continue your education, and Lucifer absolutely will make use of the fucking assholes to help you on that front. There are some truly brilliant minds here, and they will work with us to avoid the harsher punishments. It cultivates a more nurturing spirit down the road, too. The soul remembers.”
“But will he pay for it if, say, I want to be an academic attorney with a doctorate in European history?”
“Absolutely.”
Huh. “Am I really lucky or really unlucky? A few weeks ago, I was dying of cancer. Now I’m getting a free ride for all the schooling I want?”
“You’re both. You’re lucky in that you qualified for the treatments, but you’re unlucky in having caught Lucifer’s attention. That said, you’re also lucky you caught Lucifer’s attention, because for all he’s the Devil, his capacity for affection and love is matched by few. You’ll get used to him and his contradictions. My recommendation is to try not to worry about it.”
“Diana, I have requests,” Lucifer announced in the background.
“Didn’t I just get rid of you?” the Devil’s secretary complained. “I need more things to throw at you, damn it all. What requests? I’m trying to use the phone here.”
“My requests are errands for Sandra once she’s released. You may use this as ammunition against my wallet.”
“I have changed my mind. You may enter my domain and give me your list of requests.”
“I even wrote them down for you.”
“In the like ten whole seconds since I hit you with my lamp?” Diana sighed.
“No, not precisely. I had the list already, but I got distracted when you hit me with the lamp,” Lucifer admitted. “I am going to go fetch someone to clean the mess up. Do you want an artist, a musician, or a dancer?”
“Musician, harp, and make it somebody who can teach me how to play,” she requested.
“It shall be as you wish. Clothed, tastefully undressed, or nude?”
“Clothed, else Darian will…” After a long moment of silence, Diana cleared her throat. “Tastefully undressed, now that I’m thinking about it. And send for that fiancé of mine. I suppose I could use some evening entertainment.”
“I’ll even have someone to make you a new lamp on the promise you don’t break it on my face.”
Diana huffed. “Always conditions with you. Fine, but you better have somebody make me some vases I can chuck at you.”
“I think I can handle agreeing to those terms. Enjoy your call.”
A door thumped closed, and a moment later, Diana giggled, “That’s his way of saying I need to stop working, and that he will be enforcing my off-work status through evening entertainment. He does not appreciate overtime unless it’s really important, so while he views my call with you to be important, I’m otherwise done for the day. You’ll have to get used to that—and you’ll have to be prepared to justify the overtime. That’s not a bad thing. You’ll learn to determine if something is actually important within a few months of working for him. So, where were we?”
“Finalizing this internship offer.”
“Right. Anyway, your education will be paid for until you’ve decided you’re done with being educated. He’s not hiring you for your degree. He’s hiring you for your intellect, work ethic, and drive. You could decide to stop pursuing your JD tomorrow, and he would still want you to intern for him. Any other requests?”
“No, I can’t think of anything assuming clothing, tech, and travel expenses are all covered like it says in these papers.”
“Meals will be covered, too. I’ll draw this up and check into Lucifer’s list of errands. If they seem sane enough, I’ll send them over so you can get to work once you’re out of the hospital until you end up back in there. But I wouldn’t worry too much about getting sick. Lucifer’s invested, and while he’ll allow the hospital to evaluate you to help establish treatment plans for future patients, you’re almost guaranteed survival, though I can’t promise you’ll emerge fully human once he’s done with you.”
“I’m already no longer fully human, Diana. I’m infected with lycanthropy.”
“Lycanthropes are humans. A disease doesn’t stop you from being human. That’s just what prejudice elitists say to make themselves feel superior. At heart, you’re still human. You just have a few extra advantages now.”
“Well, I have it in writing I won’t become a creepy-crawly, so I’m pretty happy with the situation. Am I allowed to counter the counteroffer?”
“You absolutely are, especially if you feel you’ve been low-balled. If you want to spend a few weeks haggling, do so.” Papers shuffled, and Diana chuckled. “Lucifer’s list of errands is a little ridiculous, but you should have fun. I have a note to send a card you can use for any purchases. I’m going to send Jonas with you for some of these, because I expect you’ll try to complete the entire list, and by the time you’re done with half of it, you’ll be exhausted. It’ll also keep Darlene off my back for a while. Remember, no is an allowed answer, and Jonas may be a jackass at times, but he respects consent. That’s part of why he starves. If you say no, that’s it. Succubi say no because they like the game and they want him to convince them to say yes. He doesn’t play those games with women. So, if you want him to pursue you, always reply maybe, because no means no and that’s that. That said, Jonas is a liar, a thief, and a whole bunch of other unsavory things, but the one thing he isn’t is a cheat. And don’t expect him to reform.”
“Diana, I’m training to become a professional shark out for the blood of other attorneys and the unwary. I’m literally educating myself on how to be paid to twist the truth to best benefit my client. He better watch himself with the thieving, because I’ll beat that out of him if he’s around me much.”
“Trust me, you’d be doing us all a favor. Last week, he stole Lucifer’s wallet and put it behind the milk in Darlene’s office—the emergency milk, which is usually only assaulted once every two or three weeks. The emergency milk had just been replaced.”
I frowned. “I’m not sure what the problem is.”
“Well, he stole Lucifer’s wallet.”
“Diana, he stole Lucifer’s wallet.”
“We’re using the same words in the same order, and for some reason, I feel like we have entirely different meanings to what we’re saying,” the Devil’s secretary admitted.
“That’s just amazing. He really stole Lucifer’s wallet and hid it behind his sister’s milk?”
“Ye
s. It was really childish.”
“It was really bold. I mean, we’re talking about Lucifer here.”
“I will acknowledge it was bold, but it was childish.”
“I don’t see a problem with people having fun at the Devil’s expense.”
Diana grunted. “I’ll acknowledge it was amusing until Lucifer needed his wallet for something important.”
“Well, where did he leave it that Jonas could get his hands on it?”
“On his desk.”
I grinned. “It sounds like Jonas was reminding the Devil he can’t leave important things out where anyone might wander by and take them.”
“While I’ll give you that, please don’t encourage Jonas. He targets panties, too.”
All right. I couldn’t figure out why an incubus who didn’t get laid often needed panties, and curiosity drove me into asking, “But what does he do with the panties?”
“He usually hangs them inappropriate places along with a note complaining about the general sexual frustration levels in the place. Apparently, we annoy him when we don’t get laid often enough.”
“So, you’re saying he’s trying to help in unconventional ways?”
“Basically.”
“I’m still not seeing the problem.”
“He targeted mine the last time. He hung every scrap of underwear I own throughout the entire place. Every demon and devil in residence saw my bras, Sandra.”
“How’d your fiancé handle it?”
“The jackass loved it, because he’s the only one who gets to see me wearing them, and he knows it. As do the devils and demons.”
Understanding struck me, and I giggled. “You’re a control freak, aren’t you?”
“Maybe a little.”
“I’m sure you’ll survive through a few little pranks.”
“Little?”
I blinked. “How many bras do you own?”
“Maybe more than I should,” she confessed. “The worst part of this is? I’m still missing a few, and it’s really starting to freak me out.”
“Have you asked him nicely to return the missing bras?”
Diana sighed. “I did ask, but he said there had been so many of them he started getting creative, and he genuinely doesn’t remember where he put them all. So, inevitably, my bras will turn up at the worst times. He didn’t mean to forget, but I have missing bras, Sandra.”
“Is one of my errands to help look for your missing bras?”
After a moment of silence, the woman laughed. “No, but there are bras in your future. You’re to buy clothing, and he’s specified the exact number of everything you should get with a note you may meet or exceed, but you may not be a skinflint and go under the specified amount.”
I could handle that. “I’m still not seeing the problem here, Diana.”
“You’ll learn soon enough,” she warned. “And my evening entertainment has just arrived, so I’m going to let you go. Expect a guest tomorrow morning with the paperwork. If you like it, sign it. If you don’t, send him back with counters until you’re ready to sign. He can teleport, so you can probably get at least six or seven counters in during the day if you want. I’ve been given orders to make the time to review the paperwork throughout the day, so don’t be shy about negotiations. It’s a good time to learn. If you’re uncertain about something, call me.”
Without waiting for me to reply, Diana hung up, leaving me to wonder what tomorrow would hold.
After a little reflection, it amazed me I had a tomorrow at all.
Five
Some was better than none.
The virus donor had a ridiculous amount of blood; first thing in the morning, the doctors and nurses subjected me to yet another transfusion courtesy of my incubating virus’s determination to repair my vital organs. Apparently, a virus on a mission consumed blood as fuel, or so my doctors believed.
It turned the experiment with my health rather dangerous—and improbable for others, as several donors with the same strain would be needed before testing to see if my success could be duplicated. If it could be duplicated, lycanthropes would be the final last-ditch effort for cancer patients.
I doubted all—or even most—of them could be saved, but some was better than none.
It took two units to get my blood pressure back up to where they wanted it, but thanks to an early start and a lack of care if anyone watched somebody’s blood seep into my veins, they permitted visitors. The human man with darker brown hair looked me over while I gave him the same treatment. I recognized the suit as something Lucifer would wear, and as the two shared similar builds when human, I suspected the Devil had tossed Darlene’s brother into his clothes in an effort to up his general appeal.
It worked, and I eyed the red tie with interest. “You must be Jonas.”
“I am. You must be Sandra.”
Interesting. Had he wanted to be dressed up? Had the women in his life held him down while Lucifer stuffed him into his clothes? Either option amused me, as did my awareness he’d been dressed to the Devil’s standards, which involved designer tags and zero respect for money. “I am. First, no is allowed. You do not have to play to Darlene’s hopes and dreams for your love life. I’m not sure if virgins count as treats to incubi or not, but if I do count as a treat, I’m accepting rain checks.” I pointed at the line feeding blood into my arm. “I keep leaking, and frankly, I’m concerned any amount of exertion at this point will finish me off.”
“I see you’ve been informed I’m an incubus.”
“I’ve been told you’re a strangely monogamous incubus in need of a love life,” I replied, unable to keep from grinning. “I can’t tell if I’m infernally lucky or unlucky.” Thinking on my feet was a requirement in my future work, so I decided to live on the wild side for a change. The wild side also ran decent odds of acquiring a reliable bedwarmer. “Here’s the deal. I engage with one person at a time, I do not have time in my life for a man, but I do have time in my life for a consistent bed buddy. The way I see it, we can help each other out. I go to bed happy, you go to bed fed, and we’ll maintain a non-relationship for however long is required or desired. Think of it as free dinner for as long as we’re both hungry. That said, I’m infected with lycanthropy, and I really don’t have time to shop around for some man who’ll get in the way of my career, so if you get stuck with me, that’s a you problem and not a me problem, especially if it means I go to bed happy most nights of the week. I’ve got parents to take care of, and no mere man is going to put the brakes on my general ambitions and job security.”
The incubus snickered, stepped out in the hallway long enough to drag in a bulky duffle bag and a briefcase, and hauled the lot over to my bed before taking a seat. “I appreciate your candor. I see my sister has already gotten to you.”
“Diana did, but I’m guessing that’s the same thing.”
“It really is.”
I almost felt sorry for the guy. “Let’s get down to business. If you were a student in the legal world, would you accept the job offer in that briefcase?”
Jonas laughed. “I’d put some serious thought into it, and I’d be putting serious thought into it because I know my brother-in-law. Without my extensive experience dealing with him, I’d probably accept it without hesitation. Darlene asked me to sanity check the offer, and I made a few recommendations to sweeten the deal for you. Lucifer would rather not dance around all day about getting you in his employ, although he’s willing to. He’s edgy because you haven’t been secured yet, and when he’s edgy, he makes everyone around him miserable.”
“And he dresses you in his clothes, apparently.”
“I was going to wear good jeans and a nice shirt, and this offended His Sulfurous Majesty.” Jonas huffed. “Rather than let me go back to my own damned room and wear something else, I got ambushed. Frankly, I’m a dream in jeans, and I was thinking about your happiness. I’ve learned women who are in hospitals enjoy when the men visiting them look appealing. I’m just as g
ood in jeans as I am in a suit.”
I took my time admiring him. “That’s really good advice. Who gave it to you?”
“One of Lucifer’s nephews, who is part incubus. He was visiting his wife in the hospital before they got together, and he had worn jeans since it was his day off. He discovered she gets really hot and bothered when he wears jeans. He kept her amused dressing in various outfits for her while she was ill. He’s almost as much of a prankster as I am at times, so he also tested to find out which outfits she hated the most.” Jonas placed the briefcase on his lap, opened it up, and pulled out a thick stack of papers. “Before you worry, it’s three copies of the same agreement, as Lucifer is really hopeful you’ll like it and want to sign. He’s already signed all of the copies, so if you agree, you just sign, keep one for yourself, Lucifer will keep one, and one will be sent to your school. The one sent to your school is modified so that it only includes the education agreements, the lodging agreements, the travel agreements, a line stating it was a paid internship and you were being compensated a minimum of twenty dollars an hour, and the provisions for tech and attire. Lucifer did not want your full package disclosed to some academics who might try to make your life miserable. They will if given a chance. We’ve discovered that with Diana.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“They keep trying to scalp her on the costs for her credits. She has shot down those attempts every time, but Lucifer is well-aware of mortal greed.” Jonas shrugged. “He’s a dick, but he usually means well, at least when his family is concerned.”
“And since you’re Darlene’s brother, you’re family.”
“Technically, I’m not. Let’s just say He played around with Darlene’s genetics, so while we have the same parents, we don’t actually share the same genes. This is something that bothers the hell right out of Darlene, and she heads upstairs once a month to cry at Him over having removed our parents’ genetic contributions to her general existence. He just reminds her family is where the heart is, and Lucifer backs Him, which gets the entirety of the hells agitated, because those two aren’t supposed to agree on anything. She’s my sister, and I don’t care what the blood tests say.”