He moved to lean on the railing beside me.
“I did some research. And, well, I found someone. I didn’t mean to interfere, but I’ve found your sister. She wants to meet with you. She’s in Paris now, and—”
Crow scared me. The way his face changed. I flinched away from him. Had I done the wrong thing? But, no...
“You shouldn’t have done that,” he said.
“But you want to see her. Surely, after all this time...”
Crow didn’t answer. He didn’t give me time to explain.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I looked up at him, expecting some gentleness to settle on his face.
He shook his head and walked away.
Huh? I understood he was angry, but he was just walking?
“Crow, wait!” I called.
He didn’t even break his stride. He had to turn around, I thought. We were together, and everything was perfect. It couldn’t be destroyed that quickly.
“Crow! I’m sorry. Come back. Listen to me.”
None of my cries reached him.
My heart said to run after him, but my feet wouldn’t move. That look he’d given me would haunt me forever. If I chased him, he’d push me away. I knew that, and I couldn’t stand to have him treat me like that.
I’d wanted to bring light and happiness to his life, but maybe I’d just dug up things that were better left buried. I’d ruined things. I thought I’d done the right thing, but the way he’d looked at me had erased any doubt.
My heart clenched, heavy with fear. Surely, he’d turn around. He wouldn’t just walk away from me. But Crow wasn’t the kind of man who toyed with that kind of thing. As much as I hoped, I knew that if he walked away, he’d keep on walking.
I stood on the bridge watching as he moved into the distance.
Chapter 24
I SPENT THE REST OF the day in my room until it was time to go to the arena. I didn’t want Polly asking what was wrong or any of the others teasing me.
The sun shining outside mocked me. Every dancing ray said, “Remember how happy you were not that long ago?” That sun could shut up. I closed the curtains.
A few times, I picked up my phone to message Cindy. She needed to know that the meeting probably wouldn’t happen. Just picking up my phone made my stomach twist into knots, though. I felt bad for myself, and I felt bad for Crow, but mostly, I felt bad for her. She’d flown all this way, so she obviously wanted to reconcile with him, but I’d given her false hope. I’d planted seeds that would never flower.
The sunlight still filtered into the room, around the edge of the curtains. I wanted to get up and adjust them so I could have complete darkness, but I lacked the energy to even do that. Normally, my head buzzed with ideas on how to fix things, but this time, I had nothing.
I’d planned to wait until the last minute to meet the others in the lobby, but then I thought maybe Crow’s feelings had changed. He’d forgiven me, and everything would be okay. He couldn’t stay angry with me forever. He loved me. I had to hold on to that and believe this would work out. And, surely, when he thought about it, he’d see Cindy needed a chance, too.
He wasn’t in the lobby when I got there. There was only Lij and Rose.
“What’s wrong?” Lij said. “You look down. And where’s Crow?”
I tried to smile, but it seemed like a massive effort for nothing. That was exactly the question I didn’t want to be asked.
“I did something wrong,” I told Elijah. I sure wasn’t prepared to go into what.
“Well, that’s a given, if it’s you,” he said. “But it wouldn’t be a terrible thing. You have a heart of gold, Firecracker. Anyone who’s spent five minutes with you knows that.”
I sat down on the bench. “Maybe I went too far this time,” I said.
He rubbed my shoulder. “Cheer up. Crow’s a funny guy, but if he wants to be with you, he has to accept you as you are. You’re always going to go too far and be a little crazy. If you tried to stop that, you wouldn’t be you.”
Damo and Polly got to the lobby, and Elijah said no more. I let them talk around me while studied my hands.
What Elijah had said was right. Crow knew what I was like. I couldn’t help but interfere in things. That was my way. I wasn’t saying that he’d brought this on himself or anything like that, and I couldn’t absolve myself of responsibility. I’d stepped over the boundaries this time, for sure. But if something seemed wrong to me, I had to fix it. It wasn’t busybody interfering but a need to put things right.
When Crow finally got to the lobby, I looked up and smiled. If he smiled back, I’d run to his arms. It didn’t even need to be a big smile. A tiny grin would do. Hope burned strong within me. After all, we had something special. We just needed to work on things.
But Crow didn’t even look at me. He stood to the side, well away from me, until the van arrived.
Hope died inside me. A black nothingness replaced it. I tried to look like I didn’t care, but I didn’t have a face that hid my emotions. Polly gave me a couple of searching glances, but I ignored them. I couldn’t even talk. It took all my effort not to cry. I’d worked so hard to get us together, and it’d all crumpled.
We jumped into the van, and I made a move to sit next to Crow. If I did that, he’d have to talk to me. But maybe he wouldn’t. I couldn’t handle seeing him look at me that way again. I hesitated in the doorway. Sit with Crow or sit alone?
“What are you doing?” Jax asked, giving me a push.
Jeez, it was hard, being forced together like this when Crow was so angry with me. I jumped into the empty seat, and Jax sat beside me. I couldn’t even see Crow without glancing around, and I refused to do that.
The Freaks went straight up to do their run-though. While they did that, Polly took me aside.
“I’m not going to ask what’s going on between you and Crow,” she said. “If you want to talk about it, I’m here, but I’m not going to push you. But no matter how you feel, you can’t show it when you get up on that stage. You know that, right? People have paid a lot of money to be here. They’re super-excited to see their favorite bands. Not only that, there’ll be a bunch of new fans who saw that interview. They want to see us, and they want to us rock. You can’t let them down.”
I nodded slowly. “I know.”
I wasn’t sure how I’d do that, but I would, even if it killed me inside. It seemed deceitful to hide my feelings away like that, but even worse to show them to thousands of people. If I went to see a band myself, I’d want to know they were on top of their game.
I waited for Polly to say more about how she’d known this would happen when I started dating Crow. That this was the very thing she’d worried about. There was so much she could say, but she left it at that.
“Thanks, Polly,” I said.
She nodded without asking me what I thanked her for. I practiced putting on a smile. I checked the mirror. It might look sincere from a distance. I tried to bring my energy levels up. I’d be so much happier curled up in bed with a mountain of chocolate, but that was impossible. Not so long ago, I’d been bragging about how I was made for this life. Well, now was the time to prove that. I’d get up there and shine, no matter what. Anyone could shine when they were in the sun, but I had to shine in the darkness as well.
Before we got onstage, my stomach quivered. I knew what I had to do; I just wasn’t sure I had it in me to do it. I walked out there, though, to the cheers and the energy. I gulped, then I put up a wall in my mind. My personal issues and my sadness could stay behind that wall for a while. There was only me and these people. That was the relationship I had to worry about while I was on that stage.
A few times while we were playing, I glanced to the side, not wanting to search for Crow but not able to help myself. Of course, he never appeared. And every time I did it, the knife twisted in my heart. I couldn’t even pause when that pain hit. Pain was for the weak, though. I had no time for pain when I was in front of all these people. Instead, I bent
down to the cameraman squatting on the stage, giving him a cheeky smile and a wink that got beamed up to the screens surrounding the place.
Every time I did that, the arena filled with screams and hoots. Okay, maybe I flashed a bit of boob leaning down like that, too. But all those screams fed me. They took away the pain for a little while.
We got through the set. I might’ve been a bit less energetic than usual, but I did it. I tried to scream, and I tried to joke. I might’ve even gone overboard on the sexy stuff to compensate.
“Well done,” Polly said as we walked off. “You proved yourself tonight.”
Her words were a glimmer in the darkness of my heart. That had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I’d done it. I walked off that stage knowing I hadn’t let myself down, and I hadn’t let the fans down. I’d salvaged something from this mess.
The Freaks were still playing their set when I went back to the hotel. Even though my heart screamed to stick around and try to make things up with Crow, I had to get out of there.
But, when I got back to my room, there was nothing but emptiness. I turned on the television, but it annoyed me, so I turned it off again. Then I got on my phone, but that annoyed me too. I had so many photos of Crow and me together.
I tried reading, and I tried sleeping. Nothing worked. I rang room service and ordered a big parfait, but when it arrived, I couldn’t face eating it. I left it sitting until the ice cream had melted and it all became a big, sloppy mess. Much like my life.
Eventually, I heard the others return. I sat in the armchair by the window for a long time, hoping that Crow would knock on my door. He’d come to me. He’d tell me he forgave me, and things would be right between us. But would he? If he could let his sister walk away and not once in ten years try to contact her, would he bother to fix things with me?
When he’d told me that story, my heart had ached for him, but I’d missed the underlying message: he wasn’t a man who forgave. But forgiveness was the only thing I wanted.
Chapter 25
I WASN’T SURE IF CROW would answer the knock on his door. He’d know it was me. Maybe he’d pretend he didn’t hear it. I’d fought so hard to keep away from him, but my heart took me to his door even while my brain protested.
I jumped from foot to foot as I waited, unable to keep still. I wouldn’t knock again. I didn’t want everyone on the tour to think I was crawling back to him. I had my pride. But, damn it, I needed to talk to him.
Just when I’d almost given up, he opened the door.
“We need to talk,” I said.
He shook his head. “Go back to bed, Fay,” he said, as though I was a tiresome child.
The way he said that made something stir inside me. My sadness and disappointment turned to anger. Maybe I’d done the wrong thing, but he didn't have to be like this. Elijah was right. He had to accept me as I was, or we had nothing at all. But Crow had no acceptance to offer.
I pushed past Crow into his room. The things I had to say weren’t things you said in a hotel hallway, and he obviously wasn’t going to invite me in. Even though he’d opened the door to me, he wasn’t willing to talk, but I wouldn’t be shut up.
“Haven’t you interfered enough?” he asked.
“No, I haven’t,” I said. I wanted to put my arms around him, but this wasn’t the Crow that I hugged. He was almost a stranger. The twinkle in his eyes had died. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I stood in the middle of the room, my hands clenched tight. I put my chin up. I’d say my piece, then leave, knowing I could do no more.
He stood there too, as though he was waiting for me to leave.
“I haven’t interfered nearly enough, because there are things you need to hear. You shut people out. You shut everyone out. You’re been in this band with Damo and Lij for years, and they still only know you on a surface level. You don’t let anyone close to you. I thought maybe I’d be the one, but nope.”
He didn’t reply, but he hadn’t kicked me out. Yet.
I wanted to my words to reach him, to change his heart, but I wasn’t sure how to do that. Fear started to override me, then I thought of Cindy. All I knew was that, somewhere in this city, a girl wanted to be reunited with her big brother. Maybe she was wide awake right now, too. Waiting for him to contact her.
“Won’t you get in touch with Cindy?” I asked him. “Just talk to her.”
“Leave it,” he said.
I might be in his room, standing right in front of him, but he didn’t look at me. I wanted to move around so he had to look at me, but I didn’t want him to kick me out before I’d finished.
“I was going to apologize again,” I said. “But I’m not sorry. Maybe I did things the wrong way about, but you need to see her.”
I took a deep breath. My pulse raced. Rather than repairing things, I might destroy them forever by pushing this, but that was what I did. I pushed. I couldn’t push Crow to love, and I couldn’t push him to forgive me, but for Cindy’s sake, I had to make him give her a chance.
“It’s not going to happen, Fay. It’s too late.”
“Your sister obviously wants to repair things. She was fourteen the last time you saw her. Are you going to punish her for a decision she made when she was that young? I might’ve butted in, but I did it for you. You’re never going to heal your past unless you talk to her.”
He still didn’t respond. He stared at the wall behind me. My heart raced faster, but I had to go on. My skin prickled and my mouth had become so dry, I wonder if talking was even possible.
“So, talk to your sister or let her leave your life forever. But you’ll regret it if you don’t take this chance. She’s your family, your only family.”
Crow still didn’t move. He didn’t speak, and he didn’t look at me. I could’ve been talking to a statue. I gulped but continued on. There was something else I needed to say, and I had to say it while I had the courage.
“And another thing.” I put my hands on my hips. “I’m sick of chasing after you. For a relationship to work, it takes two people. Not one person doing all the running and the other person standing still. I don’t know what you want, and I’m pretty sure you don’t know what you want, either. You want me, but if you really want me, you have to make the next move. After I walk out that door, I won’t come back, not until you drag me. I’ll walk miles to be with you, but you at least have to take a step in my direction too.”
I turned to leave, then I remembered something. I unfastened the necklace I wore and set it on his dresser.
“I love you, Crow, even if you can’t accept my love. I know I overstepped, but I think you’re using that as an excuse to avoid having to get too invested. Give that back to me when it means something.”
Then I grabbed a pen and wrote down his sister’s details on the notepad on the desk.
“This is Cindy’s number. If you decide maybe you’ll think about her for a minute instead of yourself, give her a call. But time’s running out.”
It was only after I’d left his room that I realized he’d barely said a word the whole time. That just made me angrier. He should have had something to say. I kicked the door in my room. I punched it too, but that just hurt my fist. I’d never sleep now. I’d be up all night fuming, and fuming alone in my hotel made me feel worse.
I wondered if Jax was still up. I phoned him to check.
“Hey,” he said.
Okay, he’d been asleep. I’d woken him; I could tell from his voice.
“Jax, let’s go out and get hammered,” I said.
“Ah... Umm... okay. I’ll just be a minute.”
That might not be the smartest plan in the world, but it beat the hell out of pacing my room for hours.
We headed to a tiny, dark bar and ordered shots.
“Here’s to the heartbroken,” he said.
“I’m not heartbroken. I’m recovering.”
He laughed. “You’re slap-bang in the middle of heartbreak. You have the reek of heartbreak coming off
you in fumes. Don’t deny it, Fay. The only way out is through.”
He was probably right about that, but right now, I wanted to numb all the hurt inside me. I’d thought I had something wonderful, but it’d been a stupid illusion. I had to move on. I had to drink more, and then I had to dance, because brokenhearted Fay had no place in my life.
Chapter 26
MY HEAD HAD POUNDED all day. Going out drinking with Jax had seemed like a great idea at the time, and the first couple of hours had been fun. Then I’d gotten maudlin, and I think I cried at one point. I’d been a nightmare, and I owed Jax big time for putting up with me. And this morning, nothing had changed. I felt worse, not better. Drinking was no solution.
The solution was staying in bed for as long as I could. If I slept, my head didn’t hurt, and my heart didn’t hurt, either.
At some point, I’d have to call Crow’s sister and explain things. That would be the worst. I’d not only made a mess of my own life, I’d dragged her into things as well. Even though I’d rather tell her sooner than later, I held on to some hope. He might make an attempt to contact her on his own. If he could swallow his stubborn pride, that was.
Eventually, I had to get out of bed. I showered and I dressed. We only had two more nights here in Paris. And even then, the tour didn’t stop. More cities and more shows. I had to get used to it, but hell, it hurt.
I’d survived the show last night, but I hadn’t been thinking it was just one of many. I had to put on that facade night after night.
I jumped into the elevator to go downstairs, but someone got in at the last moment. Crow. I sucked in my breath, and he started. Then we looked away from each other. I moved to get out and use the stairs instead, but the doors shut and the mechanism whirred into action. Instead, I stared ahead at the crack between those doors. I wouldn’t speak first.
This close, I could smell him, and that smell betrayed me. That was the smell of comfort and of love. Of being close to someone. My hands itched to reach for him, and my eyes strained to look at him, but that was no longer allowed. I had to be with him in this confined space and act like he was a stranger.
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