by Paris Rose
I started to feel sick as I realized that there was a part of me that was more like Axel than I cared to admit. I was certain that almost everyone in the entertainment industry had a self-absorbed streak. We’ve all had to put ourselves first to get to where we are in the business. It’s a matter of necessity, but, even so, facing that side of myself caused a pang of guilt and self-loathing. How could I have been so into myself that I allowed Axel to lure me into doing something that devastated Christoff and indirectly wrecked all of our lives?
I tried to hold it in, but I felt myself start to tear up. Being there with Axel brought back all the negative feelings I’d been carrying around over what had happened. The stress from the Bianca scandal had brought me a reprieve from the guilt and self-hatred that I had spiraled into since that night. Ever since Bianca had made her allegations, I had been directing all of my energy toward being angry at her instead of dealing with being ashamed of myself. I continued to stare down at the table as tears threatened to spill out onto my flushed cheeks.
“Gia, are you okay?” Axel spoke softly.
I swallowed hard before looking up and meeting his gaze.
“No, I’m not okay. Things are just so fucked up right now. Even though it seems that Christoff has forgiven me, I still feel like such a shitty person for what happened with you. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for it. I can be pissed at you and pissed at Bianca all day long, but when I’m alone, and there is no one else around to blame, I realize that it’s really me that’s the problem.” I dabbed my eyes with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry, Axel. I know I just kind of went off on you for your self-pity party, and now I’m doing the same thing. It’s just… I’ve been trying to be so strong for Christoff that I’ve been holding a lot in. That man is my rock, and he takes such great care of me, but I don’t want him to see me like this, especially with all that he’s been going through. Things have been so hard. I know I’ll make it through. I always do. And Christoff is the same way. He’s indestructible. I know we’ll get through this, but I would give anything for even a glimmer of salvation from this hell that we’re enduring.”
I knew that Axel was probably the last person that I should have been using as a sounding board, but I felt like I had no one else to listen to me. This was what people hire therapists for. Most people in the industry had one. In that moment, I decided that was something I should look into.
“Gia, I get it more than you know. That’s partially why I asked you to meet with me. I’ve been dealing with my own guilt, so I wanted to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. Also, I figured that you were probably blaming yourself for what happened, so I was hoping that some of what I had to say may help you forgive yourself,” Axel said.
I took a big gulp of water to try to drown the growing lump in my throat.
“All right, I think I’m okay now.” I drew in a deep breath and tossed my hair over my shoulder. “I’m all ears, Axel.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, go ahead.”
“Okay. Well, like I was saying, I really appreciate you agreeing to meet up with me. I really wanted to apologize to you face-to-face for what I did. I was totally in the wrong. I went after you when I knew you were the most vulnerable, and, for that, I know I’m a shitty person.” Axel looked away from me. “It’s just that I’ve always been so jealous of Christoff. Of course, I love and admire him. He is one of my best friends, and one of the most talented artists I know. But for some reason, it has just always gotten under my skin that he gets more attention than the rest of the band. We all contribute something important to Aus Deutschland, but I feel like Christoff has always gotten all of the credit for it. Not only did he steal the limelight professionally, but he always got all of the girls I wanted.” Axel wouldn’t meet my eyes. Instead, he was toying with his water glass.
I took a long sip of my own water. Discovering Axel’s true feelings toward Christoff made my mouth go dry.
“Christoff still doesn’t know to this day, but I’ve had affairs with more than one of his ex-girlfriends,” Axel said quietly. Deep inside, I always knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just couldn’t stand to see Christoff get everything that I always wanted but never had. I guess I just always wanted to take his place.” Axel gazed out the window, as if he would rather be on the beach than baring his soul. “My envy toward him has always driven me to the brink of insanity. But after I betrayed Christoff by preying on you, I realized that I was starting to spiral completely out of control. You’re so different from all of his other girlfriends.”
I intentionally didn’t respond and tried to keep my face neutral.
“I know for a fact that Christoff loves you more than he ever loved any of them. When I first met you, I wanted to have you, but I vowed to myself that I would never go after you, because I knew how serious Christoff was about you.” Axel glanced up at me, then looked back down. “But, clearly, all it took was the right opportunity and a couple of shots of whiskey, and I was back to my usual pattern. I spiraled into a deep depression after what happened between us, and, after Christoff and the rest of the band found out, I sank even lower. You were the first girl that ever told Christoff what happened, so this is the first time I’ve really had to suffer the consequences.” He sounded miserable.
“I see,” I responded quietly.
With a deep breath, as if he was resolved to getting it over with, Axel continued. “I’m not mad at you for telling him. The whole thing was the wakeup call I needed to finally get my shit together. One of the girls I’ve been messing around with recently pushed me to get professional help, and so I did. I was diagnosed with a sex addiction, alcoholism, and histrionic personality disorder. I’m so fucked up, Gia. Honestly, I don’t think there is anything that can fix me. I’m so sorry for trying to pull you down with me. I invited you here to tell you that what happened wasn’t your fault. It was all me. I manipulated you. I kept trying to leave you alone, but I couldn’t help myself. I know it’s no excuse, but I’m a very sick man, Gia. I’m hoping that you can forgive me, but, more importantly, I’m hoping that you can forgive yourself.”
The heaviness of Axel’s confession rendered me speechless. I was disgusted by him and his maliciousness toward Christoff, but, deep inside, there was a part of me that felt a pang of empathy for him. I believed him when he said that he was sick, and I respected him for admitting that he had a problem and seeking help. But I suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to get out of there.
“I really don’t know what to say, Axel. I do hope that one day you find peace. I mean that. I accept your apology, and I still accept responsibility for my part in everything that happened. I’m not going to tell Christoff all that you said, because it would only hurt him, and I would encourage you to give him some space to get over this. I wish you all the best, Axel, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t contact me again. I have to work on my own healing, and I hope you will do the same.”
Axel looked down at the table while we sat in silence for what felt like several minutes, but was probably only a few seconds.
“Now I’m the one who doesn’t know what to say,” Axel said, sighing.
“That’s because there isn’t anything left to be said.”
“No, I guess there isn’t.”
“Goodbye, Axel. I hope that karma is not too unkind to you.”
“Bye, Gia. I hope you’ll take good care of yourself.”
***
When I made it back home, the house was empty. Since Christoff wasn’t around, I decided this would be a great time to focus on looking for a new agent. I was willing to do anything to prevent myself from sitting and over-analyzing my conversation with Axel. And I did not want to give my mind time and my heart space to start feeling sorry for myself, or, even more damning, I didn’t want to allow myself to start feeling too much sympathy for Axel.
I brewed some tea, sat down at my desk, and prepared submissions for agents I wanted to work with. I must have be
en in the zone because, when I looked up, it was already getting dark out. I closed my laptop and headed down the hall toward the bathroom to take a shower. I was lost in my thoughts as I headed down the dark corridor when suddenly I heard a bunch of commotion below me downstairs. It sounded like someone was breaking down the back door. My heart raced wildly and my stomach did somersaults. I gasped for air; it was suddenly hard to breath. Our property was gated, so I had no idea how someone would be able to get the door. But I definitely heard it slam open, and I heard lots of movement down there.
Christoff was always calm and quiet when he came in or walked around the house. Most of the time, I never even knew if he was home, but whoever was down there now was causing a commotion. I about-faced, ran into the bedroom, and locked the door. My heart sank as I realized that I had left my phone downstairs in the kitchen with whoever was down there. I had so much adrenaline pumping through me that I was shaking. I paced the floor as I tried to figure out an exit plan. I held my breath as I heard footsteps bound up the stairs. Just seconds later, I saw the doorknob turn and someone pushed against the door. I screamed and jumped in the air.
“Gia, are you okay?!?” There was a heavy banging on the door. I was so disoriented by fear that I didn’t recognize the voice.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed.
“Gia! This is important! Open the fucking door!”
“Christoff?”
“Yes! Who else would it be? Open the door!” My face flushed red with embarrassment and relief. I immediately rushed to let him in.
“Christoff, what the hell? You scared the shit out of me!” I clutched my chest as I struggled to get my breathing to return to normal.
“Come downstairs with me, hurry!” Christoff grabbed my hand and assertively led me down the staircase and through the kitchen. I noticed the back door was still open, and I wondered what was going on. The television was on in the living room, and it was up loud.
“Christoff, what’s going on?”
“Shhh, listen.” Christoff led me into the living room and pointed to the TV. There was a picture of Bianca on one side of the screen, and Christoff on the other. I stood frozen with my mouth agape as I listened to the story. Suddenly, my knees felt weak, and I was overcome with wracking sobs. Christoff pulled me into his embrace and squeezed me tightly. I buried my face in his chest and let all of the emotions that I had been holding in for weeks come out. Christoff stroked my hair. After several moments, I pulled back and looked up at him. There were tears in his eyes threatening to spill out. I had never seen Christoff get so emotional.
“It’s okay, Christoff. It’s over now.” I kissed him on the cheek and tears streamed down his face. The reporter on the screen was interviewing people on the street, asking them what they thought about the latest development that closed the case. One of Bianca’s friends leaked a recording to the media, for an undisclosed amount of money. On the tape of a phone call, Bianca explicitly admitted to fabricating the sexual assault to frame Christoff. I always knew Christoff was innocent, but hearing the words from Bianca’s mouth brought so much closure and relief. I knew it would take time for Christoff to rebuild his professional reputation, and I realized it would take even longer for us to be able to go out in public without being bombarded by a pack of reporters, but I could not have possibly been more relieved and more overjoyed that the investigation was finally over. Christoff grabbed the back of my neck and guided my lips to his. The warmth of his mouth sent a wave of comfort through me that soothed my over-stimulated nerves. I let my hands caress his back as our kissing became more passionate. He lifted me up as he pulled me more tightly into his embrace, and I wrapped my legs around him. I held his face in my hands as I looked down at him. The electricity in his gaze exhilarated me. I felt like the news breathed new life into both of us. The entire scandal was soul crushing, but all at once it seemed like we got our vitality back.
“Gia, I could not have gotten through this without you. I am so grateful to you for sticking by me. I love you, sweetheart.”
“Anything for you, Christoff. I love you so much.”
He brought his lips back to mine, and I wrapped my legs around him more tightly. My breath hitched in my throat as our tongues played with one another. I moaned as his mouth traveled to my neck, and he started to carry me toward the kitchen. He kissed me deeply and passionately before placing me on the edge of the kitchen island. He stood between my open legs and caressed the outside of my thighs. I could tell by the ferocity in his touch that he was aching to give it to me. I nibbled my bottom lip as he gazed into my eyes and squeezed my ass. He reached under my skirt and pulled my panties down without breaking our gaze. I exhaled as he silently slid his hand up my inner thigh. My heart fluttered with anticipation. I gasped as he used both hands to force my knees further apart before slipping two fingers deep inside of me. I was already wet for him, and his fingers penetrated me with ease. My entire body quivered as he used his thumb to toy with my clit. Pleasure jolted through me as he bit and licked my neck while he continued to finger fuck me. I reached under his shirt and caressed his nicely toned abs. His body felt so good. I began to claw at his pants as a pleasant tension mounted within me.
“Make love to me, Christoff,” I breathed.
He tore out of his shirt and dropped his pants to his ankles in a few swift motions. I kicked my panties from around my ankles and tossed them aside.
“I want to take you from behind. Bend over the counter,” Christoff growled. I slid to my feet and did as I was told. He lifted my skirt and smacked my ass. It made me feel naughty. He grabbed my hips and guided himself inside of me. I let out a ragged breath as he slid in and out with slow, deep thrusts.
“Oh, it feels good. Take me, Christoff,” I moaned.
“You drive me crazy, Gia,” Christoff grunted. He grabbed a handful of my hair and tugged at the roots as he drove into me with the ferocity of a tiger. He bit my neck and continued to pull my hair as he pleasured me with hard, fast pumps. The sensations pulsing through my body were so intense that I started pouring sweat. Christoff spanked me as he continued to bury himself deep inside of me. I screamed out his name as I felt all of the stress I had been carrying for the past several months release from me in a mind-blowing orgasm.
“Holy fuck!” Christoff growled as he drove into me with three hard pumps that filled me up completely. His body went rigid, and he collapsed on top of my back. I rested my weight on the counter as I came down. Christoff slowly withdrew from me. I stood up and pulled my dress down as I watched Christoff pull up his pants.
“Your sex is so good, Gia,” Christoff murmured. His eyes were low, and his lips were flushed. I took pleasure in the satisfied look on his face.
“Yours is amazing, Christoff.”
He smirked arrogantly. “Let’s go lay down,” he commanded.
I faded in and out of sleep as Christoff and I spooned in bed. I was so relieved that our personal hell was finally over. I was exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. I knew it would take time to fully heal from all the stress that we’d endured, but I already felt lighter. I rolled over to face Christoff.
“Christoff, are you up?”
“Yes.” His lids fluttered, and he looked over at me. His sapphire eyes were so captivating.
“I have an idea that I would like to get your feedback on.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Even though the case is resolved now, we endured so much with the stress of the scandal. I think it might be a good idea for us to talk to a therapist or counselor about everything we went through, so we can move through it more quickly. I want to make sure this doesn’t leave long-term scars. What do you think?”
Christoff was quiet for several beats.
“I think it’s a pretty good idea, but I’m not into therapy. It’s just not for me. I’ve tried it before, and it did nothing for me, but a lot of my friends have gotten a lot of benefit from it. If it’s something that you wanted to do for yourse
lf, I would support you wholeheartedly. You’ve been through a lot over the past couple of years. You’ve grown so much on your own, but I think you might really enjoy talking to someone about things and learning new tools to overcome your challenges. I think you should do it,” Christoff said tenderly.
“Thank you for your support, Christoff. I think I will try it. If I enjoy it, and if it seems like it will work for me, I’ll keep doing it. If not, I will find another way to heal.”
“That sounds reasonable.”
“Thanks for not judging me.”
“Of course, Gia. There is nothing to judge. I’m proud of you for taking care of your emotional health. I should be the one thanking you. You were so strong for me during all of this. I really could not have gotten through this without your support, your strength, and your nurturing spirit. You’re tough as nails, but, at the same time, sweet as honey. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. Your love makes all of life’s challenges more bearable.”
“I feel the same, Christoff. It’s my pleasure to be there for you during the good times and the bad. Having you in my life makes everything sweeter.”
“Come here and give me some of that sweetness,” Christoff growled as he grabbed my ass and pulled me into him. I kissed his neck as he caressed my body, and we proceeded to make passionate love until dawn.
Chapter 11
Three months had passed since Bianca’s lies were exposed. Christoff’s lawyers filed a suit against Bianca for defamation, and she immediately proposed a settlement. Christoff’s team encouraged him not to take it and to just go forward with the suit, but Christoff insisted that he wanted Bianca out of his life as quickly as possible, so he took the settlement just to put the whole thing behind him. I supported him in his decision to not go to court.. Things finally seemed to be turning around for us.