If Not for You

by Debbie Macomber

  Sunshine arrived before him to pick her up and drive Beth to her apartment. As a surprise, Sam waited outside the rehab facility with a bouquet of flowers and five big, colorful balloons. They’d both eagerly anticipated this day. Beth could finally get back to her real life, to teaching her students the music she loved, to everything she’d managed to build in the short amount of time she’d been in Portland.

  It started to drizzle rain as Sam stood outside, impatiently waiting. He glanced toward the sky and sighed. His head was buzzing with small concerns—big ones, too. Beth had talked about her own worries, fearing what was only natural for someone in her situation. Sam had a few of his own.

  They hadn’t talked much about the sure-to-be changes in their relationship once she was discharged. Inevitably it would shift. No doubt there. He didn’t know how or what the future held, and dwelling on it did nothing good for his digestion. Sam felt a stronger connection to Beth than he had to any other woman since Trish. That alone offered its own set of qualms. He understood that Beth was nothing like the other woman, but at the same time he remained reluctant to risk his heart a second time. Yet he’d found it impossible to maintain his guard.

  He’d never enjoyed time with a woman the way he did with Beth. Their nightly jam sessions had been some of the happiest times he could remember in years. The fact they could laugh together and tease each other had been foreign to him. They’d bonded over the music and had agreed to return to the rehab center at least twice a week and play for the patients and the staff, as much for their own enjoyment as for others’.

  This thing with Beth was unchartered territory for him. He hoped they’d be able to move forward, to continue as a couple, but he was prepared to let matters fall where they would.

  The misty rain continued, typical of autumn in the Pacific Northwest. Discharging Beth was taking much longer than he’d expected. He’d assumed when Sunshine went inside that it would be only a matter of minutes before she appeared with Beth. Not so. It’d been fifteen minutes already and he saw no signs they’d be coming out anytime soon.

  Another fifteen minutes passed when Sam caught sight of Beth and her aunt. The sliding glass doors parted and he stepped forward.

  As soon as Beth saw him with the flowers and the balloons, her face lit up with joy. “Sam,” she cried, “you’re here.”

  “Wasn’t going to miss seeing my girl walk out of that facility.”

  She headed straight for him with her arms wide open, her smile as bright as a summer’s day. She bubbled with laughter as she tossed her arms around him.

  Sam hugged her back, the balloons and flowers tangling. Every doubt and worry he had fled the instant she was in his arms.

  Beth rode with Sunshine, holding on to the flowers while he dealt with the balloons and followed behind in his truck. They went directly to her apartment, which was close to the high school. It was a one-bedroom place with an impossibly tiny kitchen. The apartment was like Beth, bright and cheerful. He felt her warmth the moment he walked inside. Knowing she came from money, this must have been quite an adjustment from what she was accustomed to in her Chicago home. But it was hers, and just the way she paused and breathed in the atmosphere, Sam knew she loved it. He wasn’t the least bit surprised that the first thing she did was walk over to the piano and run her fingers over the keys.

  “How are you feeling?” Sunshine asked, once the array of flowers was deposited in a pitcher. Beth apologized that she didn’t have a vase.

  “Wonderful. I want to throw out my arms and twirl around. I’m home at last.”

  Sam couldn’t have held back a smile had he tried.

  “I’ve loaded you up with groceries and the sheets on the bed are fresh. You need anything else?” Sunshine asked.

  “A hug,” Beth said, reaching for her aunt. “Thank you for everything.”

  Sunshine hugged her back. “I’ll check in on you later.” She hesitated and then suggested, “You might want to call your parents.”

  Beth rolled her eyes. “Okay, I will, but later.”

  “Do it.”

  “I will, I will,” she promised.

  Sunshine left. As soon as she was out the door, Beth was in Sam’s arms. “I can’t believe you took the day off.”

  “Wouldn’t miss it, babe. What do you have on your mind? Anything you want to do? Any place you want to go?”

  “Out,” she returned instantly. “Take me out.”

  “Anywhere in particular?” Her request didn’t surprise him after being trapped for more than a month in two different medical facilities, first the hospital and then the rehab center.

  “No, just out where I can breathe the fresh air and soak in the freedom of being alive and with you.”

  That sounded perfect to Sam. They spent the rest of the day together and it couldn’t have been more wonderful. Sam drove her out to view Multnomah Falls. Beth insisted he park so they could get out and view the site even in the rain. He stood behind her, hands on her shoulders, looking for any excuse to keep her close. They ate thick sandwiches and drank coffee at a diner. Beth talked nearly nonstop, full of glee and joy. Sam drank it all in, savoring each moment, praying it would always be like this for them.

  And knowing it wouldn’t.

  —

  Beth returned to teaching, and while both Sam and Sunshine wished she’d have started off more slowly with half-days, she chose otherwise, too eager to get back to her students. Sam had met a few of the teenagers she taught and she’d told him about several others until he felt like he knew half of her classes himself. He loved her enthusiasm and was fairly certain the teenagers were drawn in by her joyful spirit. He understood that classical music wasn’t the most popular elective, but he didn’t doubt for a moment that Beth made it fun and exciting.

  By Friday, the first week she was back, as he feared, Beth was exhausted. Sam checked in on her that evening, not intending to stay long.

  “You overdid it,” he chastised gently.

  “Maybe. Are you going to say I told you so?” she asked, her eyes wide and beseeching.

  “Nope.” He stood, looking down on her.

  “Why not?” she asked on the tail end of a yawn. “You were right.”

  “Having you admit it is reward enough.” He glanced at his watch.

  “Sit,” she said, and patted the space next to her.

  Sam shook his head. “Think I should head out.”

  She blinked back her surprise. “Already?”

  “Yeah, you’re tired and I’ve got things to do.”

  “Okay.” She didn’t bother to disguise her disappointment. “Is everything all right, Sam?”

  He shrugged. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  He scowled at her. “It’s fine.”

  “Stay,” she said softly, “just a few minutes more.”

  Reluctantly he sat down on the sofa next to her. Beth leaned against him and reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers. “It’s been over a month now,” she said.

  “Since the accident,” he said, remembering that first evening they met. He never would have guessed Beth would become this important to him.

  “Since everything,” she added. “I’ve seen you nearly every day.”

  “True.”

  “I’ve spent more time with you than I have anyone in a long time.”

  “True again.”

  “The thing is, Sam, after all that time together, I’ve come to know you, know your moods. I know without you even having to tell me when you’ve had a good day at the garage or when you’re disgruntled with one of the guys.”

  He didn’t know he was that transparent, but it didn’t surprise him. Beth seemed to have the ability to see straight through him.

  “Did you call your parents?” he asked, wanting to change the subject.

  “Sam!”

  “Did you?”

  “Yes, and we had a…decent conversation. Now stop and let me finish w
hat I was saying.”

  He nodded, although he wasn’t keen to continue.

  “Something’s troubling you.”

  He shrugged. This was the very subject he’d been hoping to avoid.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked in that gentle way of hers.

  “No.”

  “I’m a good listener,” she reminded him.

  “Not your business,” he snapped.

  She sucked in a soft breath in an effort to hide her surprise. “Okay.”

  “Can we drop it?”

  “If that’s what you want, and apparently it is.”

  “Good. Now tell me how the conversation went with your parents.” That should be a safe enough subject.

  She hesitated and then said, “Not your business.”

  He blinked back his surprise, snickered, and let go of her hand. “Think it’s time I left.” Not waiting for her to respond, he headed for the door. Beth didn’t stop him, which was fine by him. The sooner he left, the better. As it was, he might say something he’d regret later, and he didn’t want to do that.

  Sam got all the way to where he’d parked and hesitated and then looked to the sky. Beth was right. He was out of sorts, upset and on edge. With good reason. He hadn’t meant to be gruff and regretted the way he’d handled the situation. Beth had no idea what day this was. He had a knot in his stomach and knew he needed to make this right. He looked back up at her building, wondering if she was stewing the same as he was. Heaving a sigh, he returned to the apartment complex and rang her doorbell.

  Beth answered, and for a moment all they seemed able to do was look at each other.

  “It’s Lucinda’s birthday,” he said, looking down.

  “Your daughter,” she whispered, and immediately reached for him, hugging him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

  She couldn’t have known, couldn’t have guessed. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I should have told you sooner.” Beth was everything good in his life and he wasn’t willing to risk losing her because he was in a sour mood.

  “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I understand.”

  “I’d rather not.”

  He kissed her, needing her warmth and her gentleness in an effort to let go of the regret, the pain of never knowing the daughter who was his own flesh and blood.

  —

  Later they sat in front of the television sharing a bowl of freshly popped popcorn and watching a movie on Netflix.

  Out of the blue, Beth asked, “I wonder how many Peter Hamlins there are in the world?”

  “Who’s Peter Hamlin?”

  “A man.”

  “I got that much. You’re looking to find him?”

  “Yup, and I’m determined.”

  He didn’t like the sound of that and made an effort to appear disinterested when he definitely wasn’t. “Do you mind telling me why?”

  She grinned up at him. “Are you jealous, Sam?”

  “Should I be?” He arched his brows with the question.

  Her eyes sparkled with renewed life. “Nope.” She entwined her fingers with his and raised his hand to her mouth for a kiss. “Sunshine mentioned him when we were at dinner. She still loves him after thirty years.”

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t know, but I’d like to find out.”

  Sam exhaled slowly. “Are you sure that’s wise?”

  She took her time answering. “I don’t know. I saw the look in Sunshine’s eyes when she mentioned him. It was a slip of the tongue. I’m convinced she never meant to say his name aloud. Whatever happened between them devastated her. I have a feeling my mother knows, but I’d rather not ask her.”

  “Why not? That might save you a lot of trouble.”

  Beth released a sigh, her shoulders rising and lowering with the release of her breath. “Sad to say, I’m not sure I can trust her to tell the truth. I suspect she’ll brush off the question. Besides, I do everything I can to avoid talking to my mother.”

  Sam knew the two had a prickly relationship. “Sunshine didn’t tell you anything more about him?”

  “Nothing. As soon as I asked about him, she shut up tighter than an oyster.”

  “Maybe your aunt doesn’t want you to know. Didn’t you say all this happened thirty years ago? Sometimes it’s better to leave matters as they are, especially if the other person doesn’t have a clue you’re stirring the waters.”

  To her credit, Beth appeared to give his words serious thought. “Maybe, but I’m curious. You know Sunshine has never married. I always thought it was because she was a free spirit. Now I’m not so sure. I think the reason she’s remained single all these years is because of this man and whatever happened between them.”

  Sam still had reservations. While Beth seemed to have strong feelings on the matter, he feared she could be sticking her hand in a snake hole. “Are you sure your aunt wants you meddling in her past?”

  Again she took a moment before she spoke. “No, but I can’t help thinking that if Sunshine still loves him after all these years, just maybe he feels the same way about her. What if he does and my finding him is what clears the path for them to reunite?”

  Sam tightened his hold around her shoulders. “I had no idea you had such a romantic heart.”

  “I want Sunshine to be happy.”

  “She’s happy. That woman is brimming with joy.”

  “Sure, she’s fun and quirky, but deep down I have to wonder.”

  Sam mulled this over. “You realize Peter Hamlin is probably married and a grandfather by now,” he said.

  “Maybe, and if that’s the case, then so be it.”

  Sam remained unconvinced. “Your aunt is a famous artist, right?”

  “Right. So?”

  “So if this man she loved was so inclined, he wouldn’t have a problem seeking her out on his own, don’t you think?”

  Beth groaned. “I hate it when you argue with me.”

  “Are we arguing?” he joked.

  “No, but you’re being reasonable and I don’t want to hear it. I’m determined to find him, Sam, and if I have to ask my mother I will, but only as a last resort.” She sighed again. “Are you going to say ‘I told you so’ if this blows up in my face?”

  “Nope. Don’t think I’ll need to if that happens.”

  “Probably not,” she agreed. “You’ve given me something to think about, though, and while I agree with most of what you said, I still want to learn what I can. Sunshine doesn’t need to know what I’m doing.”

  Sam wasn’t convinced this search for her aunt’s lover was a good thing, but he had to admire her spirit.

  —

  Rocco groaned when Sam contacted him by phone Saturday morning about helping him with one of his vehicles. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” his friend complained. “An engine must weigh a ton.”

  “Yup.” Sam didn’t argue.

  “I could easily come up with a dozen excuses why it would be impossible for me to help you.”

  “You could, in which case I have one word for you.”

  “One word? All right, lay it on me.”

  “Dryer.”

  Silence followed before Rocco muttered something under his breath that would have cost Sam a good ten bucks if he’d said it in earshot of Owen.

  “What time do you need me?” Rocco asked.

  “I’m free all day. Let me know what works best for you.”

  “How about next year?”

  “Very funny. You’d do it if it was Nichole asking you, right?”

  “Right. And it’d be the same with you if Beth asked you for something. You’d do it, right?”

  “Most likely,” Sam agreed.

  “Thought so. You gonna buy me a beer afterward?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “I’m not doing it without the promise of a cold one.”

  Sam laughed. “Okay, it’s a deal.”

  Apparently, Rocco wasn’t done complain
ing. “This is what I don’t understand,” he muttered. “How is it that two strong-willed men have found women who have the ability to twist us around their little fingers?”

  Sam didn’t have an answer for him. “Can’t say.”

  “Me, neither, but I know if Nichole asked me to pack up the house and move to the moon, I’d seriously look for a way to make that happen. Makes no sense whatsoever, but because she asked, I’d do it.”

  “I know what you mean,” Sam agreed. Crazy as he was about Beth, there was very little he wouldn’t do to make her happy. “The thing is…”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you asked Nichole the same thing, she’d do it for you, too. That’s love, my friend.”

  “Oh, and when did you become such an expert on the subject?”

  “Guess it must be close to six weeks ago now?” Sam admitted.

  Rocco chuckled. “Personally, I’m glad to see you take the tumble. I never thought it’d happen.”

  “Truth is,” Sam repeated, “I didn’t, either. Meeting Beth…man, I owe you.”

  “Not me. You owe Nichole.”

  “Right, but you’re the one who conned me into that dinner.”

  “And you were so happy to attend,” Rocco teased.

  Sam laughed.

  “About as happy as I am to be lifting an engine out of that old car of yours,” Rocco grumbled.

  —

  After they finished Saturday morning, Sam kept his promise and treated Rocco to a beer at The Dog House. A cheer rose when the two men walked into the tavern. It used to be that Sam spent the better part of his nights at his favorite spot. In the weeks following Beth’s accident, he’d stopped by only a couple times.

  “Sam.” Cherise called out his name as soon as he sat down at the bar. “I’ve been worried sick about you,” she said, wrapping her arm around his neck and leaning her head against his. “Where have you been keeping yourself?”

  She smelled of smoke and rancid oil, which he didn’t think was supposed to be her perfume. Funny, he’d never noticed that about her before. He removed her arm from around his neck and hoped she got the hint.

  “Hardly ever see you anymore, either, Rocco.”