by Juli Valenti
I can’t even remember the details of your face through memories clearly anymore, baby. When I think and try to see them clearly, they blur, like a dream. The kind when you wake up you desperately try to remember, but only get flashes. Only one image comes up clearly – the final time I saw you, and that’s not the image I want to remember. I want to remember your smile when I’d blow raspberries on your belly, your little happy gurgles when I’d play silly peek-a-boo with you.
If I’m being honest, I just want you. I want to wake up and have this all been some horrible dream to teach me something. To force me to grow up and cherish the small things; but, I know it’s the truth. I hate it, but I’ve accepted it. I now know that no day is guaranteed to us. No breath, no feeling, no touch is guaranteed. Everything can be gone in a flash. You’ve taught me to live like there is no tomorrow because there very well may not be.
I’m so sorry that I failed you. Please know that Mommy loves you with every breath she takes, and though I can’t keep pictures out of you, that I never forget you. It’s just too hard for me to see you every day and not be able to hold you; not be able to smell your sweet baby smell, or not hear your happy noises. Thank you for teaching me what love actually is. You’ve made me a better person, at least I think, though I fight it tooth and nail.
With that, my sweet baby, I will leave you from a quote from my favorite baby book – I never got to read it to you, but I will write it to you one day, I promise.
“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living,
My baby you’ll be.”
Please don’t forget me.
I love you,
Mommy
Jessie stared at the pages she had written to her son through blurred eyes. God, I miss him, she thought, dropping them to the ground and cradling her head in her hands, crying. She let the tears flow, watering the grass between her crossed legs. She realized somewhere along the way that though he was gone, she was forever growing and learning because of him. She’d written it in her letter, not quite believing it, but she knew it was true. He really had taught her love, taught her survival, and, most importantly, taught her about life.
“Crappy way to learn,” she said aloud, breaking the peaceful hush of the clearing. She could have learned many other ways – she wasn’t stupid. It still made her angry, even all these months later. It was still supposed to be her in the ground, not him. Frustrated, Jessie pounded her fists into the grass, and was surprised when a butterfly gently drifted upward to her face.
It was beautiful, a perfect monarch butterfly. The small insect seemed to glow, its vibrant orange out of place among the lush green of the park. Holding her hand out, she held her breath as the butterfly came to a stop on her palm, its wings moving idly. She watched in fascination as its proboscis tongue unrolled to taste the salt from her skin. Around them, the wind had stilled, and Jessie couldn’t explain the emotion that came over her. Peace. She stared at the small creature, such a small thing to show her so much. She knew that butterflies signified transformation, but to her, it was her baby telling her things were okay.
Jessie wanted to cry at the acceptance she now felt, for once at total peace with herself. Instead, she stayed unmoving, not wanting the feeling to pass when the insect flew away. It was the most beautiful sight and she was grateful.
“Thank you, Little Mister,” she whispered, her hand shaking from the strain of holding it up. As she knew they would, her words spurred the butterfly into motion. It hovered for just a moment above her before it switched direction and flew upward into the blue sky and disappeared amongst the trees. Jessie remained where she was, unable to move. She had anticipated losing the feeling the moment it was gone, but she didn’t. She still felt at peace, like her son was holding her. Not being one to believe in signs, she wasn’t sure if it was the pouring of her emotions onto the pages, or if it was the butterfly, but she hadn’t been this calm since before she’d lost him.
The breeze picked up once again, blowing the pages around, and she scrambled to grab the notebook before the wind could ruin it. Gingerly she placed it back into her bag and allowed herself to fall back into the grass.
Staring up into the clear Florida blue sky, Jessie allowed her thoughts to lead her where they wanted. They started in the past, from the moments she’d just relived in her letter, and moved forward. She cringed when they touched the loss of her son, but the familiar feeling of a knife in her stomach wasn’t there. Not poking at it, she let them continue – now moving on to Dominick. She remembered his smile when he talked to her, half hanging out his car. She thought about his careful choosing of which cup of coffee to give her. She smiled at the thought; she’d learned he did that often, analyzed everything before making his choice. The images continued to the night of the masquerade gala, her crazy large dress, and to their first kiss on the dance floor. Jessie had since learned the song he had sung to her was “The Scientist” by Coldplay, and it was still fitting to her. She had it memorized by now.
When her thoughts came to her first night with him, she bit her lip, remembering his being terrified at her nightmare. He’d gotten used to them, accepted them as a part of who she was, though she had to accept that they’d eased since she’d started staying with him. Now it was just the terrible fear of him dying on her that he couldn’t accept as much. He needed sleep, she knew that. She also knew that she couldn’t keep waking him.
Jessie knew she loved him. Every part of her was screaming to go to him. It had been almost two weeks now since she’d seen him. Almost two weeks since her first meeting with her therapist – her second appointment tomorrow, which was why she had chosen today to write the assignment. Yes, she’d spoken to Dominick a few times, mostly in texts, letting him know that she was okay. He often asked if she was eating, and she’d smile at the phone, at the concern she could read in his words. She believed he loved her, it was plain to see. But, before she could be with him, truly love him as he needed, she needed to make sure she was okay first. She couldn’t lean on him. Maybe tomorrow, after her appointment…maybe not. One thing was for sure. She needed him in her life and she was slowly going in his direction.
Chapter Twenty Eight
“Jessie.” Mary interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up to see her therapist peering at her through misty eyes, her notebook clutched tightly in her hands. “This? This is perfect. Touching. Well done. Now, tell me…how do you feel having written it?”
“Honestly? I feel… raw, yet at peace somehow, if that makes any sense.” Mary nodded. “It’s like…I realized things about myself that even I didn’t know. It still hurts to think about him, but I know it always will be. I miss him,” Jessie said, her voice trailing off at the end, her eyes trained on the paisley print carpet.
“You’re right. You will always miss your son, but you will eventually be able to think of him without pain at all. I know, I know,” she said, holding her hand up, “It’s hard to believe it now, but look at the progress you’ve made just in the last two weeks. The darkness under your eyes has almost disappeared and you look like you’re gaining some weight, which as we talked about is a good thing, right?”
Jessie nodded, looking down at her body. Mary was right: she had gained weight, not a lot mind you, but enough to notice. She’d been sleeping more, keeping her shifts at the diner, and she’d even gone out with the girls a couple times. They were small baby steps to anyone else, but to her, they were leaps and bounds. She had gone grocery shopping, completely stocked her cupboards even, though she’d held off on going furniture shopping. She’d tried, but when she’d been looking all she could think about were Dominick’s comforting items. She hadn’t wanted to buy the same stuff, so she’d thanked the salesman and left, instead picking up an air mattress from Wal-Mart to hold her over for now. It was odd, not sleeping on the hard floor of her condo. She wasn’t used to it yet.
“How about things with Dominick? Have you spoken
to him?”
“Only a couple times, mostly in text messages,” Jessie answered, sighing.
“You haven’t seen him since he asked you to get help?” Jessie just shook her head, not meeting Mary’s eyes as she did so. “How come?” the kindly woman asked.
Why hadn’t she? It was no secret, to anyone it seemed, that she missed him like crazy. Mr. Castellanos had talked to her several times about her spacing out mid-shift, when she’d been thinking about him. According to her boss, she got a “silly love-sick girly” face each time and he automatically knew what she was thinking of. He’d told her several times that Dominick wanted to see her, often asked at her schedule, and that he’d had to start fibbing on when her shifts were just to grant her request of space. Jessie could tell that Mr. C had been unhappy about lying to his nephew and it had made her feel guilty. Worse than guilty, if she were being honest. Why is this so hard? she asked herself.
“Jessie?”
“I don’t know, Mary. I miss him like crazy. I think about him all the time: when I’m working, when I’m cooking, even when I’m sitting around listening to music or writing in the journal you gave me. Why is this so hard?” Jessie asked her internal question aloud, hoping to get some advice on how to handle it.
“It’s hard because you love him, Jessie. You’ve found someone who loves you passed your issues; unconditional love, that is, sugar. You’ll have to make a decision soon, because no man is going to wait forever to hear that the woman he loves doesn’t truly love him in return. What hurts you the most? That he demanded you get help, or the thought of never seeing him again?”
She thought about the question a moment, her heart twisting at never seeing him again. It was like a knife straight through her middle, stealing her breath, and making her want to double over. No, that wasn’t an option to her, it just couldn’t be. Jessie just couldn’t shake the hurt of his ultimatum.
“The idea of never seeing Dominick again is…no,” Jessie all but gasped, stopping to swallow before continuing on. “But why can’t I get over his asking me to come see you?”
“Truth is often harder to swallow than lies, sweetie. Hearing it from him hit you where it hurt, so to speak, and it took a lot to get over your pride and actually call me.” Mary’s voice was gentle as she said it, though she could hear the slight chiding from her counselor.
Of course, she knew the woman was right. It was hard to hear the truth coming from him and just as hard to see the concern that had been etched on his face. The light bulb came to life in her head, and Jessie sat upright, almost panicked. She was going to let the best thing she’d ever had walk out of her life because of her wounded pride?
“What is it?” Mary asked, though a knowing smile had spread across her face.
“I just realized I could really lose him. How, how do I apologize to him, Mary? How do I say that I’m sorry? It’s been two weeks – I know that he’s still trying to see me, from what I’m told, but what if he changes his mind before I get the chance? What should I do?”
“Well, you’ll have to be honest, even if it hurts. He already knows the demons that haunt you, but you’ll have to apologize for your pride, and you’ll have to mean it. Don’t go to him if you can’t be honest with himself, and you – even from my professional standpoint I can tell that he deserves better than that. You both do.”
Jessie nodded. “I can do that.”
“I’d also suggest you keep therapy on your schedule. You can even bring Dominick with you in a few weeks, and we can discuss your progress together, if you like.”
“Alright. Sure,” she said, still nodding, her thoughts going a mile a minute.
Jessie could tell that Mary had started speaking again but she’d tuned her out, already thinking about what she was going to do to apologize. She had no idea what she’d do but she knew she had to do something. Think, Jessie, think. Surely you can come up with something that he deserves, she prompted herself.
“Jessie?”
Shaking her head to clear it, Jessie looked up and met Mary’s eyes. “I’m sorry, but I need to go,” she said hurriedly, standing and grabbing her bag and notebook from her therapist’s hands. Mary merely nodded to her, smiling at her fluster, and standing to hand her the appointment card she held out.
“Two weeks,” Mary said.
“Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel, yep!” Jessie said, snatching it and rushing down the hallway. She heard the kindly woman’s chuckle behind her as she exited the building and walked into the rain.
***
“You suck, rain,” Jessie said aloud, grumpy. She’d been in such a rush to leave her appointment she hadn’t given much thought to the clouds opening up, until she’d gotten halfway down the block. She was drenched immediately with no umbrella. If she was smart she would have gotten in her car and driven…except that it was still in its place on the third floor of the parking garage. After living in the “Sunshine State” for as long as she had, she should’ve known by now that it always rains – especially when you don’t have an umbrella. It’s Murphy’s Law, anything bad that can happen, will.
The humidity was stifling as the rain fell, steam rising from the sidewalk. It started out warming her feet, the water soaking up from the ground and into her skin, now cold as the sun was dropping. She had the urge to suddenly break into song, “Singing in the Rain,” the jingle that popped into her head, making her groan. She was definitely not in the mood to start dancing on the sidewalks, swinging around lamp posts, while singing that overly cheerful diddy. It wasn’t even realistic, that song, and she chalked up another fallacy to the 1950s.
After what she walked what seemed like forever, she found herself in front of Dominick’s place. She hesitated, afraid to knock. If she’d known this was where she was going to be tonight, she’d have brought the key he’d given her, especially since she’d taken if off the ring a week and a half ago. Steeling herself, and her pride, she knocked quietly. When there was no answer a few seconds later, she almost left. You know that he couldn’t have heard that pansy knock. Stop being a coward, she scolded herself. God, the voice in her head was a bossy little thing – a right, bossy little thing, but a bossy little thing nonetheless. Sticking her tongue out to her subconscious, she tried again, her knock seeming to echo in the quiet neighborhood. Again, there was no answer.
Jessie turned and left, her feet taking her in a straight line instead of on the sidewalk. She was halfway to the small courtyard garden before she thought she heard something. Peering around through the sheets of rain still pouring on her, she saw nothing through the darkness, and she continued on her path. She wanted to cry. How could she have thought he’d just be sitting around waiting for her? He didn’t even know she was coming…hell, neither had she. It’s a Friday night…he’s probably on a date, the voice in her head informed her. As much as she hated it, she couldn’t argue the notion. It was very possible that he was on a date, and it made her want to crumble. Keeping her legs moving by sheer will alone, she kept going.
“Jessie!” a voice called loudly through the sound of the falling water. Turning, she saw Dominick running toward her. Jessie dropped her bag and ran, not caring about the sheets of rain coming down or the puddles she ran through. She ran full speed toward him, not thinking about anything but that he was there. When she was right up to him, she jumped up into his arms, and he caught her, not missing a beat. “Jessie,” he whispered before he kissed her. The moment his lips touched hers, she was home. With him, regardless of their surroundings, she was home.
She clutched at him, trying to get closer to him even when there was nowhere else to go. Jessie kissed him, out in the open, in the cold rain falling around them. She no longer felt the water on her skin, only his chest against hers. Breathing hard, she broke the kiss for a moment to look at him, her hands holding his face in place.
“Dominick! I’m so, so sorry. You were right, you were completely,” Jessie started, words coming out frantic.
“No. No, baby.
No apologies. I’m the one who’s–” Dominick cut her off, placing her feet on the ground in front of him.
“You have nothing to apologize for!” she interrupted, laughing at the look on his face before kissing him again. “Listen, just listen. I got a therapist, I’m getting help for my dreams… I’m sorry my pride got in between us. I just want to be perfect for you, but I’m not. I’m just me…as broken as I am.”
“Oh, baby girl. I’m glad you’re talking to someone – but you need to know that I’m so sorry for giving you the ultimatum to begin with. I love you, and at the first real test of my words, I failed you. Please tell me you can forgive me,” he said, his eyes radiating sincerity.
“There’s nothing for me to forgive – I was mad at myself, not at you. I’m so sorry I ran the day I did. Can you forgive me?” she asked him, her body now shaking from adrenaline and the cold rain.
“Jessie, there’s nothing to forgive. I love you. The last couple weeks without you were the hardest of my entire life. I had some thinking of my own to do, and I know I can’t live without you.”
Standing there, with Dominick’s arms around her, she felt the last barrier inside her fall. Hot tears coursed down her face to mingle with the cold rain, and a smile broke over her face. Unable to speak, she pulled his head down and kissed him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dominick carried her from the courtyard to the door of his home, barely giving her time to breathe in between the steps he took and the passionate kisses he kept stopping to steal. Jessie was in awe over him, that he could still love her, still clearly want her as much as he was showing. Her back was pressed against the wall, her legs wrapped around him, as he fumbled to retrieve the keys from his back pocket. After letting him struggle another minute or two, Jessie slid down his body, stopping to stand first in front of him, then off the to the side.