First I’d like to say a huge thank you to you the reader for purchasing this book and reading Ava and Corey’s story.
This book means so much to me and is so close to my heart and I really hope you love it as much as I loved writing it.
I’d like to thank my husband for being there for me every step of the way. Listening to me talk about every little detail and being there when I need a good moan or even a cry.
To my two daughters who inspire me every day to be better, to do better. You’re my world and I love you both to pieces.
Thank you Danielle for being there for me at any time of night or day. You are truly a Godsend and I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. Thank you for helping me mold this story into what it has become.
Thank you Lucii for editing this book. Thank you for every little thing you do to help me, I appreciate it so much.
To my military adviser, Alex. Thank you so much for helping me with all the technical terms. I hope you’re ready to be interrogated for the next book.
Thank you to Garrick Murdie for being the model on the cover and thank you to Eric Battershell for taking the picture. As soon as I saw this image I knew straight away that is was perfect and I just had to snap it up!
Thank you to all of my beta readers, you’re all amazing!
To all of the bloggers who share, promote and read my work, thank you so much. The book community wouldn’t be what it is without all of your help.
My eyes sprang open as I heard the pleas coming from my dad. I didn’t know why this particular night I decided to see what was happening because things like this were a regular occurrence in our trailer. It was usually a dealer coming to collect the money that dad owed him.
I could always decipher which dealer it was from the voice but tonight was different. I didn’t recognize the voice at all which should have warned me to stay in my small ‘room’.
Instead, I frowned and pulled my thin scratchy blanket off me as I tiptoed to the bedroom door. Door was an over statement, it was basically a thin piece of curtain that gave me a small amount of privacy, although that privacy was always interrupted when dad begged me to go and get him his next fix; usually it was when he was coming down off his current high.
“The way I see it,” the deep gravely voice said to dad. “You have two options; I kill you now or...” He left something hanging in the air and I frowned harder, trying to work out what it was that he was trying to say.
We’d lived in this small trailer for years and we had absolutely nothing to our name apart from a few clothes and the moldy bread in the fridge. I hated living here and I dreamed daily of getting out of this place and starting a life far away. All I ever did was run around for dad, it had been that way ever since mom up and left us years ago.
Although that hadn’t been a bad thing, in fact, I was glad that she went. It was one less mouth to feed and one less drug habit to keep up with.
I didn’t know how they lasted together as long as they did. They were both junkies and I often wondered how I’d managed to keep my head above water and not go down the same path as them.
I had no doubt that at one stage my mom and dad had been happy and in love but that wasn’t what I saw with them, all I saw were the fights that they had and it was always over drugs.
The last time I had seen mom, I was sure she wouldn’t make it another six months. With the constant beatings, not just from dad but from other men too, added with dad loaning her out as payment for drugs. I had no doubt in my mind that the best thing she could’ve done was to leave but I just wished she would have taken me with her.
For that, I’ll never forgive her.
I saw what drugs did to people, not just physically but mentally too. The hair that grew limp and was constantly greasy, along with their teeth that would rot. Add that with the bad smell that surrounded them, it was enough to put me off for life. Dad now looked twice his age and the few teeth that he still owned were rotten to the core.
But mentally, it messed with you, it took away your ability to distinguish between reality and the high that it gave you. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve watched dad shout at his own reflection, thinking it was somebody else. They didn’t care about anything or anybody, the only thing that they did care about was getting their next high.
“I... I... I...” Dad stammered.
I pulled the curtain back a little, trying to see who was out there but I couldn’t see past the wall that divided my room from the living area.
The man laughed big and loud, the sound sinister. This was a man that you didn’t want to mess with and usually I wouldn’t care what dad had gotten himself into but, for some reason, I felt compelled to go out and see who it was.
Dad’s normal dealers all knew me and considering they provided him with the one thing that had completely ruined him as a person and a father, they all treated me with respect. They knew what I had to do to survive, after all, I was only months away from my eighteenth birthday and as soon that came, I was out of here.
I understood why they sold it, we were all doing what we could to survive and for that, I couldn’t blame them. Whenever they came here for payment, they would beat dad to get him to pay up but not once had they touched me.
Maybe that was why I felt safe to go out there and see who this new person was?
I shouldn’t have. I should have listened to my gut instincts and stayed where I was but curiosity killed that cat and out I walked into the living area.
“Ava,” Dad gasped, coming closer to me and grasping at my arm. “Help me out here, I don’t have what they want.” His putrid breath fanned across my face and I held in my gag.
“What-”
“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” My eyes turned to the man that took up most of the space and I swallowed.
“I... erm...” My eyes scanned the room, trying to look for anything that could get us out of this situation, only there was starting to not be an ‘us’ as I saw dad backing away, leaving me to deal with the situation that he’d got himself into.
“Wanna clear your debt?” The evil giant said to dad, his almost black eyes glinting off the small light that illuminated the space.
“Yeah,” he slurred, moving away from me and leaning on the wall, barely able to stand up. The needle on the table told me that he’d just taken a hit so there was no way he would be of any help now.
“Her.” The giant waved at me, his eyes squinting as he looked me up and down. I shuffled on the spot, my eyes flicking to the door.
I wondered if I made a run for it, how far I would get.
“Take her.” Dad stumbled and walked away, his eyes catching mine just before he went into his room. I saw it then, saw how much he didn’t care. I always suspected that deep down he loved me, that one day he would get help and treat me how a father should.
I’d been wrong. So very, very wrong.
I turned just in timed to see the giant’s hand come out and cup my mouth and nose. I struggled for breath as he pulled me closer to him.
“I think I’ll have fun with you.” He winked, right before I felt something pinch my neck and I passed out.
Even after going to college for a year, I still can’t bear to walk across this campus. The first time I made this walk, I nearly had a meltdown; the noise from all of the students was too much. The laughter, the shouting, I felt like they were all looking at me like they knew.
Rationally, I know it’s impossible because there’s only a handful of people who know what happened that day and even they didn’t know the full story. I don’t want anyone to know everything because then they’ll see just how tainted and broken I really am.
There’s only one person who knows more than everyone else but even h
e still doesn’t know all of what happened. I can remember the sympathy that shone through his eyes that day. I haven’t seen him for so long but I have no doubt that it would still be there.
I’ve changed a lot over the last eighteen months, I’ve learned to deal with things in my own way. Things like the noise on campus can be canceled out by wearing headphones. The brilliant thing about them is that they serve two purposes, they block out the noise but also stop people from approaching me.
Talking to people I don’t know is a big no-no. I’m better than I was but I’m still not quite there yet.
I keep my head down as I walk through the quad and to the main building. Monday’s have to be the worst day of the week for me.
Not only do I have the biggest class of the week but I also have my counseling session at the Medical Center with Anita. Every time I have a session with her, I come out feeling like I need to sleep for a week and tell myself that I’m never going back there, but I always do.
Pulling open the big doors to the building, I join the fray of the students all going to the same lecture. Turning my music down so I can hear everything around me, I take stock of my surroundings.
This place is your typical college, not so different from high school. There are still all the cliques that you get; the jocks, the popular girls, the geeks, the goths and the bad boys.
I go it alone, I always have.
It doesn’t bother me, only having one friend, I’d rather have one true friend as opposed to ten who were just there for the sake of being there.
The one friend I do have is the complete opposite of me, sometimes that’s what works best.
Keeping my head down I shuffle into the class and take my normal seat. Three rows back and three seats from the end.
I’d developed this slight obsession with the number three. Control. That’s what Anita said it was, I tended to agree with her but it didn’t make it any less paralyzing. Everything has to be done in sets of three, I washed my hair three times, I touched the end of my bed three times before I went to sleep and I tapped my pen on the table three times before I could write with it.
At first it was something I relied on but now it’s starting to get to me. I don’t want to be the person who lives like this.
I just want to be normal.
“Welcome!” A loud male voice booms. I jump in my seat and look up as I pull my headphones off my head.
My hands start to tremble at the new voice and my eyes scan the room looking for Mrs. Gill.
Where is she?
The room starts to spin and my breaths come in short bursts as I hear someone whisper-shout my name. I ignore them, not being able to take my eyes off the huge man standing at the front.
“I’m taking over from Mrs. Gill for the rest of the year,” he continues, running his hand through his slicked back hair and adjusting his shirt cuffs.
I tap my pen three times and lift my things off the table, shoving them into my bag. I can’t stay in this class, not with him teaching it.
I lift up off the chair and stand, ready to get out of here and never come back to this lecture.
“Is everything okay, Miss...” I stare with wide eyes as he looks over at me, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. I desperately want to say something, anything, but no matter how many times I try to answer him, nothing comes out.
Instead, I do what I do best and ignore him, looking down at the floor instead. Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I shuffle past the three people at the end of the row and down the couple of steps.
“Erm... Miss?”
Ignoring him a second time, I pull the door open and just as I’m about to step through, his hand comes down on my arm.
I whimper at his touch, not having felt this out of control in so long.
I hate it, hate how my body and mind reacts to a new person. It shouldn’t matter that a new person has taken over this class, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.
“Sir,” I hear coming from behind me. “She’s not well.”
I flick my eyes up to Jess, thanking her silently.
I never expected to find a friend like her, she was so different to what I always thought girls like her were. Being head cheerleader always came with this ready-made persona but she had broken the mold. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I would have been this last year.
“And you are?” he asks, his hand still on my arm.
Squirming to try and move away from him, I look to Jess, the panic obvious on my face.
“I’m her roommate.” She smiles, taking my hand and pulling me out of the room and out from under his grip.
We don’t stop walking until we’re out of the building and almost half way back to our little apartment.
“Girl, you need to calm down,” she says, squeezing my hand.
“I... I know,” I huff and roll my eyes at myself.
This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be strong, confident and independent. Except, I’m none of those things and no matter how much I long to be, I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be that person who can walk in a room and sit anywhere, who can talk to anyone even if I’ve never met them before.
“Come on, let’s get you back and make you some tea.”
Tea.
I hate the stuff but Elena says it’s good for calming your nerves.
I drink it by the bucket load and my nerves are still shot.
I lay staring at the same spot on the wall wishing for sleep to take me.
There’s nothing worse than being in bed ready to sleep the night away and not being able to rid your mind of all the whirling thoughts.
I’ve got better over the last year and a half, at first it was every night. I’d go several nights without any sleep and then when I finally got to sleep, I’d be woken by the sound of my own pleas for him to stop.
Slowly, I got better and would only suffer with the insomnia a couple of times a week. Now it’s only a couple of times a month, at most.
I’ve tried everything that I can think of to battle it. Having a lavender bath, staying up when I felt like I could sleep to try and trick my brain. I even tried sleeping pills once and I swore I would never do that again. I didn’t like how out of control they made me feel. Once I have one there’s no chance I will wake up, which is a good thing, but not when I have no control over my own body.
It became apparent very early on that I needed to learn my own coping techniques and that’s exactly what I’ve done, but what happened earlier in the lecture hall, the unknown voice and when he touched me, it was just too much.
That was all that my body and mind could take, so as soon as Jess had walked me to our apartment, I went straight to bed.
Now, at four in the morning, I still haven’t slept and I’ve got to be up in a couple of hours for my early morning class.
The sun peeking through the edges of the blinds has me huffing as I pull my comforter back and jump out of bed.
Pulling the cord on the blinds, I squint as the sun blinds me temporarily. I don’t have much of a view, just a small parking lot but it’s still my view. Something that I’m proud of.
Both me and Jess pay for this apartment without any help and it’s a feeling that I can’t describe, being able to do it on my own. Although I suspect that her boyfriend pays some towards her half, he does stay here more than his own place after all.
I don’t mind that he stays here but what I do mind is him eating all of my food. It’s a small thing and something that I never thought would bother me but when you’ve lived off only a slice of bread a day, having your own food becomes important.
We don’t have a strict ‘this is mine and that is yours’ rule, but we always ask each other first. But Scott? He just eats whatever he likes and it’s not as if he eats a small amount either.
Being the star baseball player, the one who throws the balls? What are they called again? Pitcher? Ah, I don’t know what the proper term is, anyway, he basically eats his we
ight in food every day.
Every. Single. Day.
Stepping over the clothes that I threw on the floor yesterday, I pull my door open and shuffle down the hallway and into the kitchen.
The whole apartment is quaint with two bedrooms, a bathroom and a small living room and kitchen combined in one, the only thing that separates the two is a small waist high wall. Sharing a bathroom with Jess can be a nightmare and it takes careful planning so that I can have a hot shower.
The whole place is painted white with black accents here and there. Jess insisted on the white, saying that it’s calming and would help me. I didn’t disagree with her but I did feel like it was a little cold at times.
Jess doesn’t know what happened to me but she has seen glimpses of the scars, and although she said to me when we first met in our shared dorm that she would always be there to talk to, I still haven’t opened up to her.
I honestly don’t think I ever will.
Her ‘in your face’ personality scared me at first but after I got to know her a little better I could see how well living together would work. She’s a genuine person and isn’t driven by all the popularity stuff. Sure, she dates a baseball player but it’s not because of the popularity that comes with it.
You can see how much they love each other and I see it more than anyone.
Switching the coffee pot on, I lean against the counter and wait for it to brew. Pulling two cups down, knowing that Scott will be out any second to go and do his early morning training, I pour us both a cup. Leaving his on the counter, I go and sit on the couch.
Catching my cell light blinking out the corner of my eye, I resist looking at it for all of two seconds before I huff and grab it.
Swiping at the screen, I type in my pass code and scroll past all of the missed calls and messages.
I know exactly who they’re from and what they’re about.
I write out a quick text to Anita telling her that I’ll call her to rearrange another appointment and then one to Elena to tell her that everything is fine, that I’m fine.
Anita always does that, whenever she can’t get in contact with me she calls Elena.
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