I nodded. “It’s okay, and it’s not your fault anyway.”
He kissed me again, then got up and went into the bathroom. I took off my boots and set them beside the bed. A minute later, he climbed back in bed with me and drew the covers up around us. I tucked myself into the nook of his strong arm and rested my head against his chest.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” he said.
“Do you really want to work for your dad?” I asked. “You’ve never talked about that before. I didn’t realize that was what you were planning.”
“That’s because I don’t know if it is anymore,” he said. “That was the plan, once. I guess back in high school, it made sense. My dad had been a wrestler, gone to college. He opened his first dealership when he was my age. It seemed natural that I’d follow in his footsteps.”
“But that was before,” I said, my voice soft.
“That was before,” he said. “I don’t understand why no one wants me to be any different. It’s like I was traveling down a road, and when my heart gave out, I veered hard to the left. And I kept on veering, taking unexpected turns. I wasn’t even going forward anymore. Sometimes backwards, sometimes sideways. Then after my surgery, I started to get better. At the time, it seemed like it was never going to end, but eventually I was healthy. It seems like ever since, people in my life keep waiting for me to get back on that original road. But I veered so far away from it, I don’t even know where it is anymore. And if I found it, I don’t know if it would be the right one.”
“That road ended in Waverly,” I said. “Working at your dad’s dealership.” Married to Cami, or at least someone like her. An Iowa girl with corn silk hair.
“Exactly.” He paused, still caressing my skin. “I almost died. And it was agonizing and slow. I don’t know how my parents could watch me go through that and not see how it changed me.”
“I guess sometimes people see what they want to see,” I said.
“Yeah.”
“What do you want?” I asked. “If you don’t want that life in Waverly.”
He took a deep breath, his chest expanding against me. “Promise you won’t laugh?”
“Why would I laugh?” I asked. “Unless you’re going to say you want to be a drag queen. Then I make no promises.”
“No,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ve been thinking about going into architecture.”
I propped my head on my hand so I could look at him. “Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve always been interested in it. Although back in high school, I was so focused on sports, I didn’t think about much else. I figured I had a job waiting for me after college, so why worry about it? But when you can’t do sports, and you’ve lost almost all of your friends, you have a lot of time on your hands. I did a lot of reading when I was sick. I read about a lot of things, but architecture fascinated me. I actually had a subscription to Architectural Digest for a while, but I stopped getting it.”
“Why did you stop?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “It seemed stupid. I’m already so close to finishing school. There’s nothing wrong with a business degree, even if I don’t work for my dad. I can do a lot with that. I’m already behind, you know? I lost years to my illness. If I start over now, with a completely different major, it will take that much longer before I’m finished.”
“It doesn’t seem like the time should hold you back,” I said. “But college is expensive.”
“Yeah, but that’s not a big issue,” he said. “I don’t want to sound like an asshole about it, but my parents have plenty of money. They gave me my entire college fund and let’s just say it was overkill. I haven’t even gone through half of it yet.”
“Wow, that makes it easier,” I said. “Then what’s holding you back?”
“That’s a good question,” he said. “Maybe I’m still trying to figure out what road I’m supposed to be on.”
I settled down against his chest again. The warmth of his body was so relaxing. But I couldn’t help but wonder if the road he was meant for was a road also meant for me.
30
Brooke
Work was crazy. Joe had decided to give Olivia a chance at reopening the café, and she’d attacked the project with gusto. We spent our time searching for deals on furniture and décor to spruce up the place, comparing suppliers and costs, and trying to get Joe to sign off on the new store layout. He had some very particular requirements and didn’t want to budge. It was no surprise he hadn’t been using the space efficiently. It was hard to get it all organized to his satisfaction.
We’d been hoping to get the first events going before the holidays, but things had taken longer than we’d anticipated. It was mid-December, and there was still work to do. But Joe hadn’t minded waiting, and the store was getting more business as people shopped for gifts.
This week the chaos had settled to a dull roar. Olivia was in Phoenix to visit her parents and sell some of the things she didn’t want to move. Charlie couldn’t go because of work, so he’d been pouting since she’d left. The first night, Sebastian had declared him impossible to live with, so he’d come to my place.
He’d been staying at my house all week. I didn’t mind. I loved falling asleep next to him every night, and waking up to him in the morning. I think we were both starting to realize it was something we could get used to.
The house was empty when I got home after work, but Sebastian texted me minutes later.
Sebastian: We still on for our date tonight?
Me: Yes! What are we doing?
Sebastian: Movie? New horror flick is out.
Me: OMG WE ARE THERE
Sebastian: Done. Already checked times. Should we do 9?
Me: Sounds perfect.
Sebastian: I’ll be at the library another hour or so. Finals are going to be brutal.
Me: Come straight here when you’re done. I’ll make us dinner.
Sebastian: Have I told you lately how much I adore you?
Me: Yes, but you can say it again.
Sebastian: I’ll tell you with my tongue later.
Me: Promise?
Sebastian: It’s either a threat or a promise. You can tell me after you’re done begging me to stop.
I laughed and set my phone on the counter. If he kept talking like that, I was going to have to change my panties. I thought about sending him a dirtier text—maybe see what it took to get him to pack it in and come here now—but I decided to try it another time. He’d been studying his ass off for finals. If he needed another hour, I shouldn’t mess with him. He’d have time to make good on his tongue threats later.
My phone rang, so I grabbed it. Mary. That was strange. I hoped everything was okay with Olivia.
“Hi, Mary.”
“Hi, Brooke,” she said. Her voice was serious, putting me immediately on edge. “Do you have a minute?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Did Olivia make her flight?”
“She did. She should be landing in about an hour,” she said.
“Okay, good,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Well, there was an accident on one of the freeways, just outside Phoenix,” she said. “The driver who caused it was killed.”
My heart felt like it was in my throat and my hands trembled. I didn’t understand why she was telling me this. Car accidents happened all the time. Why was this one important?
“Um, okay.”
“The driver who caused the crash was intoxicated,” she said. “I think that’s why it made the news. That and the fact that multiple cars were involved with only one fatality. But… honey, the driver who died was your mother.”
“What?” A sick feeling turned my stomach. My mother? “How do you know?”
“The news article online gave her name,” she said. “I made some phone calls to confirm that it was her. She had a Texas driver’s license, plus an old one from Arizona.”
I stared at the counter, numb with shock. “She… she caused a
n accident?”
“Yes,” Mary said.
“But she didn’t kill anyone?” I asked.
“No.”
“Were people hurt?”
“The news said there were minor injuries, but no one was hospitalized,” she said.
“Oh god.” I pressed my hand to my stomach, wondering if I was going to throw up. “Do you know anything else? Why was she in Phoenix?”
“I’m afraid I don’t know,” she said. “I have the name of the funeral home where her body was taken. Do you want me to call for you?”
I took a deep breath. “No, I can call if you give me the number. Can you text it to me?”
“Yes, of course,” she said. “If you need to come to Phoenix, you’re welcome to stay with us.”
The Harpers still lived in the same house. I wasn’t sure if I could face that again. “I don’t know, Mary, I’ll think about it.”
“Brooke, I am so very sorry,” she said. “If there’s anything we can do, let me know. I mean that.”
“Thank you,” I said. “And thanks for letting me know.”
“You’re welcome,” she said. “At least let me know if you come to town.”
“I will.”
We said goodbye and a minute later, I got her text. This was so surreal. What had my mother been doing back in Phoenix? Why had she been driving drunk? What had she been doing all these years?
I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d gone back to Arizona looking for me.
An hour later, Sebastian came back from campus. He found me in my bedroom, packing.
“What’s going on?” he asked. “Is everything all right?”
I folded the shirt I was holding and put it in my bag. “I have to go to Phoenix. My mom died.”
“Oh my god.”
Instantly, his arms were around me. I leaned into his thick chest and breathed him in. Let him hold me. I didn’t feel like crying. I wasn’t sure how I felt. I was still too shocked to feel much of anything.
“I’ll come with you,” he said.
I pulled back. “You have three finals this week. You’re not missing those.”
“Fuck my finals,” he said. “I’ll get them rescheduled.”
“Seb, I’m okay,” I said. “I’m going for a few days, that’s all. Her current boyfriend already took care of a lot of stuff, so it’s not like I’m being saddled with funeral arrangements.”
“Is there going to be a service or something?” he asked.
“I think maybe something small, but I’ll find out more when I get there.”
“I’m absolutely going,” he said.
“No.” I put my hand on his chest. “I just need to go take care of some things. I know it’s my mom, but… god, this makes me sound like a horrible person, but the last time I saw her she tried to beat the crap out of me. And that was years ago. It’s not like we were close.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I’m going.”
“I already booked my flight,” I said.
“I don’t care—”
I gently touched his lips. “Sebastian, listen to me. I’ll feel terrible if you miss your finals. There’s no way I’m doing that to you. It’s bad enough that I have to go. Please don’t make this worse for me.”
“What about Olivia?” he asked. “Can she stay in Phoenix with you?”
“She’s on a plane coming back here right now,” I said. “I can’t ask her to turn around and go back. She has to work.”
He put his hands alongside my face. “Will you stay with the Harpers?”
“They offered, but…”
“Stay with them, and I’ll stay here and take my finals. I don’t want you to be alone.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, I will.”
His brow furrowed and he brushed my hair back. “I still don’t like this. I should be there with you.”
“I know, but I’ll feel so much better knowing you’re getting your finals out of the way,” I said. “Please. This is what I need you to do for me right now. Ace those tests. I’ll be back Friday and we can celebrate.”
He kissed my forehead and wrapped me in his arms again. I knew he didn’t like it, but the guilt would kill me if he missed his tests because of this.
31
Sebastian
I walked out of the classroom, knowing I’d just crushed my final. Considering how distracted I’d been since Brooke had left, it was something of a miracle. I was good at compartmentalizing—staying focused on just one thing, even in the middle of chaos. But this thing with Brooke’s mom was weighing on me, making it hard to focus.
Still, I’d pulled it off, and I’d done it for her. She wanted me to ace my tests, so I was going to ace the shit out of those fuckers.
Still, I kept feeling like I should have gone with her.
I hated that she was down there dealing with something as intense as her mother’s death without me. I’d had a bad feeling when she’d left, and now it was worse. She’d been texting me to keep me updated, and this morning she’d said she’d need to stay a few days longer than she’d thought. I’d been ready to go to the airport and get on the first flight I could—or maybe just fucking drive the twenty-four hours to Phoenix—but she’d stopped me. Again. I had another final on Monday, and she wanted me to stay and take it.
She’d insisted this was what she needed from me. I wanted to give her what she needed, but I didn’t have to like it.
I was free for the rest of the day, although I had to spend more time studying. I also needed food, so instead of going to the library, I drove out to Billy’s, a diner I liked that served great breakfast. If it wasn’t too busy, I could get some studying done there anyway.
The restaurant was quiet, so I got a table by the window and ordered a breakfast burrito. I pulled out a stack of envelopes from my backpack and laid them out in front of me.
Admissions packets. I’d requested them from five different universities with good architecture programs. There was no guarantee that I’d be accepted if I took the leap and applied. But I had a shot. My grades were good, especially since I’d been back at U of I. I’d taken most of the prerequisites.
But I still wasn’t sure.
I didn’t have to ask to know what Brooke would say. She’d tell me to apply. I knew she’d have my back.
Something was still keeping me from taking the plunge. This would mean leaving U of I—leaving Iowa. All the schools I was interested in were out of state. I liked the idea of moving somewhere new—that wasn’t a problem.
But it would also be the point of no return. It would officially set my life on a different path—one that didn’t end in Waverly with me running one of my dad’s dealerships and coaching wrestling on the side.
Like I’d told Brooke, I hadn’t been on that path since the day my heart had stopped. It had been almost seven years and I was still trying to figure it all out. Who I was. Where I was going. I’d gone from believing I was going to die before I was old enough to order a beer, to being healthy again, able to pick up the pieces and go back to my life.
But in trying to pick up the pieces of who I used to be, I’d stalled out. Some of those pieces didn’t fit anymore. I wasn’t the guy who’d thought wrestling was a metaphor for life—who’d thought winning was everything. Who’d been content to follow the path that everyone expected.
I didn’t want to be like those guys I used to hang out with, who never thought beyond the obvious. Who got jobs they didn’t care about and married their high school or college girlfriends, simply because that’s what you do. Not because it was what they wanted. Not because that life had anything in it that set their soul on fire.
“Hi, Sebastian.”
I glanced up, surprised to see Cami standing next to my table. I’d been so lost in my thoughts, I hadn’t noticed her.
“Hi.” I quickly scooped up the admissions packets and stuffed them in my backpack. “What are you doing here?”
“I met a friend out here for coffee thi
s morning. I drove by and saw your car outside so I stopped. Do you mind if I sit?”
“I guess not.” I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. I didn’t really want to sit and talk with her. I was still annoyed with my mom for the dinner debacle. But that hadn’t really been Cami’s fault.
“Thanks.” She lowered herself into the chair across from me. “So, how have you been?”
“Great,” I said. “How about you?”
“Okay,” she said. “It’s weird to be back in Waverly. It all looks the same, but it’s not, you know?”
“Yeah, things change.”
“They do,” she said. “People do too.”
The waitress brought my breakfast and asked Cami if she wanted a menu. Cami glanced at me, like she was hoping I’d invite her to stay, but I didn’t. She told the waitress she’d stick with water.
“Sebastian, I’ve really been wanting to apologize,” she said. “I was hoping I’d get the chance when your parents had us over for dinner last month, but…”
“Kind of hard when I was there with my girlfriend,” I said. Cami flinched, but I didn’t feel bad about it. I was with Brooke and it was better that she knew where things stood.
“Yeah,” she said. “Well, what I wanted to say was that I’m sorry. I abandoned you when you needed me. It was immature and selfish. I was so caught up in sorority life and parties. I thought I wanted a boyfriend who could spoil me and show me off. But all I got out of that was drama. Guys who didn’t care about me. Who cheated on me and treated me like I was disposable. And then I went off to Chicago and I thought I’d be living this glamorous big-city life. But none of it turned out the way I expected.”
I felt bad for Cami. Life had obviously knocked her around a bit. I understood what that was like. “I’m not mad at you anymore. It was a long time ago. And I’m sorry if you went through stuff that was shitty.”
She met my eyes and smiled. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
His Heart Page 22