Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

by Olson, Martin

  FUTURE (fyū chər) n. The bright rendezvous with hope which never arrives.

  QUADRIFIDUM THE SECOND

  ZYK’S SECOND MEMO TO THE PUBLISHER

  CONCERNING HIS RESEARCH ON EARTH

  MEMO TO

  MORTIMER PÖNÇÉ, ESQ.

  PUBLISHER, MIND CONTROL PRESS

  HELL HOLE WEST

  CITY OF HELL

  FROM

  ZYK OF ASIMOTH, EDITOR

  INVASION MANUAL COMMISSION

  DISPATCHED FROM EARTH,

  DACHAU, GERMANY

  JUNE 9, 1942

  Detestable Mr. Pönçé:

  I am presently engaged in undercover research disguised as a German clarinet player in the peppy village of Dachau. The stench of burning flesh from the indefatigable camp chimneys delightfully peppers the village air.

  I was shocked by your letter stating our Lord’s refusal to grant me more time. Since my Commission was late in sending Him the first batch of Commentaries, His Majesty has already begun obliterating the Commission, one by one, in Supremely Horrific Ways:

  One week ago Baal Zebub suddenly exploded into a weird festoon of hissing, ultraviolet eels; two days later, an invisible force shoved Belial into his own anus with such force that he vanished utterly in an imposture of anal infinite regression; two days after that, Ahriman drowned in a vat of boiling spittoon phlegm; and yesterday, Behemoth was hacked to microscopic bits from the inside out by one of Lord Satan’s Urethra-Seeking Razor-Worms.

  As a result, the remaining Commission members — Llu Cipher, Mephis Tophiel, Asmo Deus and Lilith — are seething with rage. In fact, Cipher and Tophiel — citing Lord Satan’s bizarre admission (under his article “Supreme Being”) that He may not be the Creator of All — claim that Our Lord has gone mad and are fomenting rebellion and sedition. But politics aside, all of the members of my Commission are terrified of Obliteration. Thus they are performing the maximum number of Temporal Shifts allowable by Hell Physics in an attempt to complete the remainder of the Commentaries as soon as is demonically possible.

  Today, however, I received The Terrible News. Our Lord has decreed that the Invasion will be pushed forward yet another week. This gives me only three days to complete my mission. Mr. Pönçé, know that we are doomed. I know not how You and I can avoid the Inevitable from His Majesty’s Implacable Fist.

  But to live in the Moment is the First Cosmic Teaching of our Black Art. So I must trust in the Evil of the Cosmos and faithfully continue my mission.

  Which brings me to my study of the human named Adolf Schicklgruber Hitler. My research on Hitler, King of the Master Race, has become a dull and distasteful chore. I presumed that Hitler would be a Singularity, a rare human Advocate of Evil, a primitive but tasteful artist of outrageous lies and colorful mass murders. However, behind his seeming Exuberance for Death, I found only a shallow, half-castrated, syphilitic poltroon with an annoying indifference to his almost constant, acrid flatulence. This disappointment in Hitler compounds a more compelling reason why my research here has been insidiously slow. You see, Mr. Pönçé, I was unable, for reasons I cannot articulate on paper, to eat and discard the human female I mentioned in my previous letter. I am embarrassed to say that the nun, who calls herself Debbie, is now my girlfriend.

  I am aware that my taking a human with me on my mission is untenable and absurd. But I hypothesize that the magnetic field of Earth has inhibited my reason and willpower, as it seems to affect all humans, and has given birth in me to the mental delusion humans call love. As a result, I have absconded with Sister Debbie and brought her here with me to the Warmth and Splendor of Nazi Germany. Here, in our quaint cottage overlooking the Rhine, she is my constant companion. Unfortunately, Sister Debbie contracted the Black Death before our temporal shift, which caused her right ear to decompose into a cauliflower of greenish boils. This, of course, increased my desire for her, as it immensely improved her appearance.

  My love for Debbie, although admittedly delusional, nonetheless feels utterly real. But instead of researching Hitler, I find myself taking her on canoe rides, spelunking expeditions, Oktoberfest alcohol orgies, Düsseldorf sack races, and other romantic excursions, with my girlfriend by my side, I in a silken cummerbund, she in her black religious raiment, beneath which her tumescent glands and gauchely florid nipples are hidden to all but my schnapps-covered lips.

  But deluded by the madness of love, I temporarily stripped myself of all supernatural powers. Why? Because I was eager to fully experience the emotions of human romance on an equal footing with Sister Debbie. Thus I conjured that my powers would return only at the Equinox Full Moon the following week.

  Immediately upon “becoming human,” I began romantically fornicating with Sister Debbie constantly and ferociously, like a wild filth dog. Unfortunately, after several hours, we were arrested by Nazi soldiers for illegally copulating on the Rhine in public with a nun in a canoe.

  She and I were sent to the Dachau concentration camp to be executed as degenerates. The Full Moon was five days away. I was aghast at my stupidity. I was certain we would be killed.

  Separated from Debbie by the guards, I learned that she had been taken to a facility for human medical experiments. For my part, my days from 4 a.m. to 7 p.m. were spent in the rigors of manual labor, operating at gunpoint a bulldozer, supplied to the Nazis by American Industrialists in exchange for money. The bulldozer was used to dump piles of skeletal victims into mass graves.

  On the morning of the Equinox Full Moon, the day when Hitler himself was to inspect the camp, I hoped that both Debbie and I would survive until evening, when my powers would return. But my faint psychic link with Debbie told me that she would be killed within the hour. I was desperate to escape and find her.

  An opportunity finally occurred near dusk as Hitler arrived, accompanied by a Chinese Feng Shui master whom the Führer had contracted to give advice on harmonizing the placement of shower heads and ovens. As I was about to dump a load of corpses into the pit, I sneezed, causing my hand to spastically grab the bulldozer’s whistle. The deafening whistle startled an acned guard at the edge of the pit, who lost his footing and fell into the pile of corpses just as I released my shovel.

  His cry as he fell caught the attention of the other guards, who immediately jumped into the pit to dig out the acned guard from the swath of corpses. Seizing the moment, I drove the bulldozer toward the pit and jumped to the ground. The dozer careened over the edge, landing on top of the guards, crushing them.

  The encroaching darkness obscured my escape as the other guards came running to the accident scene. Attempting to focus my enfeebled powers to home in on Sister Debbie’s aura, I was drawn to a rear window of the Medical Building. Inside, I saw Debbie strapped to a table as Hitler was listening to the Chinese mystic’s suggestion to install a fountain to increase chi in the gas chambers. As they passed Debbie’s squirming body, Hitler stopped and eyed her with interest. He whispered something to the mystic and marched out of the room. A doctor unstrapped Debbie and the guards forced her to follow Hitler outside. I crept after them to Hitler’s military vehicle, a shiny Ford, which waited out front. Under cover of darkness, I pried open the Ford’s trunk and secreted myself inside just as Debbie was shoved into the car with the Führer and the vehicle screeched away.

  When we reached our destination, I peeked out to see Hitler carrying Debbie into the mansion and up the stairs. I was able to climb the side of the building without being seen and found an open window. Before entering, I checked the status of the encroaching Full Moon. My supernatural powers would return in sixteen minutes. Until then, I was powerless to save Debbie except via the absurd limitations of human physicality. I crept through the open window, following the Führer as he carried Debbie into a bedroom. I managed to hide under the bed and watched them via an arc of ceiling mirrors installed on the bedroom ceiling.

  Hitler stripped down to his undergarments, consisting of exotic black leather underwear printed with a patte
rn of bright red swastikas. These hidden vestments revealed, the Führer emitted a strange gurgling sound of muted excitement as he tied Debbie’s hands and feet to the bedposts.

  Observing the Moon through the window, I calculated that it would not reach Fullness for another eleven minutes. If Hitler attacked Debbie before my powers returned, I readied myself to confront him, even if it meant my obliteration in the most embarrassing manner conceivable to a Demon of my stature — at the hands of an insignificant human gnat.

  I watched as Hitler blasted Wagner on a record player, then smeared his body with what appeared to be cooking lard. Once his body was fully lubricated, he removed a large magnifying glass from a drawer as he slowly divested himself of his absurd undergarments, revealing his acrid groin and bulbous buttocks.

  My view of his genital area in the mirror revealed nothing but folds of limpid flesh at the root of his veiny thighs. As he held the magnifying glass over his groin, I saw at once that the Führer’s penis was barely visible to the naked eye. While peering through the magnifying glass at his tiny member, apparently to keep track of its location, the Führer shuffled toward the bed and clambered closer to my beloved.

  The Moon would not reach Fullness in time. I was forced to reveal myself and attempt to save her while devoid of my powers. I jumped up from under the bed, dove at his throat and yanked him onto the floor. Unfortunately, I had neglected to calculate the effect of the lard covering his flesh, which made him slip out of my grasp like a greased pig and crash to the floor. I pounced and began strangling him. But the lard made a firm grasp impossible and his strength was sudden and formidable. He punched me in the sternum, leapt to his feet and snatched a pistol from a drawer.

  Screaming the Curse of Carnak, I kicked the gun from his hands and kneed him hard in the groin. Due to his imperceptible penis this was ineffectual. He shoved me to the wall, grabbed a saber from a case and powerfully slashed the sword at my neck. Instinctively, the Führer must have known that decapitation is the only way to defeat a Demon. I was taken aback by his psychotic strength, and the blade hacked into my neck.

  The Fuhrer’s Tools of Seduction

  I blacked out. A deafening rush of white noise filled my head and I jolted back into consciousness. My eyes burst open and I stared up in confusion at what I saw. Hitler was strangely frozen above me. The sword, also frozen, had only penetrated a third of the way through my neck. I yanked out the sword, pushed Hitler’s frozen body off mine and jumped to my feet.

  Debbie was frozen mid-squirm on the bed. But there was another Presence in the room. A Black Myst was forming in the foci of the mirrors curving around and above the bed. The Myst congealed into a monstrous black form. It was the Ancient Demon Abra Kadab. Staring at me with his thousand silver eyes, he roared telepathically that he had tracked me down and frozen the Führer’s local time for the pleasure of obliterating me himself. All trespassers on his planet, he seethed, were to be killed, raped, then eaten raw.

  Kadab unfurled his weird silver wings, upon which are written a thousand spells, and unsheathed a weapon I had heard about but had never seen. It was a Plasma Scimitar, gilded with strange glyphs and signs, a weapon designed in ancient times to decapitate Demons. Although antiquated, it was extremely deadly. Without my powers, I was no match for a Demon, even one as old and senile as Kadab.

  Sister Debbie watched helplessly as Kadab, with a deafening roar, pinned me against the bed next to her, and drove the Scimitar home through my neck.

  As I was decapitated, I felt the sheaf of scales covering my body violently tingle. Now, I thought, I know how Asmo Deus felt being Obliterated.

  But I was wrong. It was not Nothingness which ensconced me, but rather the vast Power of Hell surging through my body. For the Moon at that instant reached Fullness, electrifying me with a bolt of Pure Cosmic Evil. Although Kadab was a deadly adversary, we were now Equal. Revitalized, I expanded my claws a hundredfold and wrapped them around his gargoylish head. As he screamed, I invoked the Spell of Puckmallow, which powerfully crushed his head to the size of a grape, and ripped it off his scaly neck. His huge, blubbery, headless mass flopped to the floor next to the naked Führer, who was still frozen with the saber clutched in his hands.

  I threw Kadab’s crushed head out the window while his body churned, dilated and shrunk on the floor as a Demon’s body does after decapitation. Using the Scimitar I hacked Debbie free from the bed. Unfreezing her from time, she hugged me and sobbed, and I felt in that instant that the expanse between human and demon was not as vast as I had taught my students in Hell University.

  When I knew my love was safe, I unfroze Hitler from time and, inspired by Lord Satan’s obliteration of Ahriman, shoved the Führer headfirst into the anus of Kadab’s hissing, decompressing body. Hitler’s muffled shrieks became delightfully piercing as Kadab’s body tightened around him like dark, oozing shrink-wrap. I took Sister Debbie into my arms and leapt to the open window. Silhouetted hellishly against the swath of stars, I flew her up through the glimmering clouds of Dachau and out of Earth’s cumbersome temporal density.

  It was this time-consuming adventure, Mr. Pönçé, which put me impossibly behind schedule. Our only hope is in your abilities at Conniving, Deceit and Manipulation. For unless you can convince our Lord to stop obliterating members of my Commission with each passing day, we can both Kiss our Scaly Asses good-bye.

  Despite my Certainty of Failure, I shall resume my mission. Soon I will have finished compiling data and poetic conceits to define by nuance the more difficult concepts concerning Inexplicable Mankind. I travel now across the fetid Earth and several years hence. In the meantime, please keep me informed if Our Lord loosens the stranglehold He has on our necks.

  Wishing You an Eternity in a Charred,

  Stinking Hole of Brackish Filth, I remain,

  Most hatefully yours,

  ZYK

  MANUAL OF EARTH TERMS

  THE LETTERS G~L

  g, G (jē) n. Pictogram representing the bulbous human nose, devoid of a hanky to shield it from the Stench of the Surrounding Human Alphabet.

  GAG (găg) v. A glottis reflex which occurs when a Demon tries to swallow a human heart whole.

  Admirably Merges Arts & Crafts and Asphyxiation

  GALLOWS (gă lōz) n. A pleasant demonstration of the law of pendulumic action.

  GALLOWS HUMOR (gă lōz hyū mer) n. The most mirthful form of wit, since its subject is the human death.

  GAMBLING (găm blĭng) n. A ritualized activity in which humans imbibe alcohol to lower their intelligence, then wager their possessions on negative-entropy probability machines manufactured by thieves.

  GAME SHOW HOST (gām shō hōst) n. See Vodka.

  GANGPLANK (găng plănk) n. A tree which wreaks revenge on humans for having sliced it into a plank.

  GANGSTERS (găng stərs) n. An unusually honest tribe of humans who do not disguise the fact that they will kill, mutilate and enslave others for money. Opposite of Military (q.v.)

  GARBAGE (gär bəj) n. That which Demons routinely (and fittingly) dump on the Earth. Unknown to idiot humans, so-called “UFO sightings” are merely Hell’s garbage scows unloading toxic waste. See Space Debris.

  Despised Death-Obstructing Device

  GAS MASK (găs măsk) n. Annoying device which obstructs the death of humans.

  Fluid Beloved by Demons

  GASOLINE (găs ə lēn) n. Beloved fluid which, when burnt, beautifully poisons the Earth’s atmosphere. Burning gasoline every instant of the day is one of the fundamental compulsive activities of Mankind. See Air.

  Repository for Computer Tech Semen

  GEISHA (gā shə) p. That which fellates Asian computer salesmen. See Prostitute.

  COMMENTARY BY LILITH

  The face-painting and costuming of geishas as generic mannequins allows the male to feel he is depositing his seminal fluid in a mechanical receptacle not unlike that to which he is most accustomed — the crevasse of his calloused, wart-encrusted hand.


  General Orgasmic at Adolescent Death Toll

  GENERAL (jĕ nər əl) n. A sexually impotent middle-aged human who achieves orgasm by ordering virile adolescents to their mutilation deaths. See Military; Soldier.

  GENETIC ENGINEERING (jə nĕ tĭk ĕn jĭ nîr ĭng) n. A science dedicated to creating a race of disease-free meat-robots who will kill the enemy on command.

  Superior Human Gore Bag

  GENIUS (jēn yəs) n. Flowery name given to select humans to disguise the fact that they are all walking bags of insensate gore.

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  Human geniuses generally do not have the intelligence to put on a pair of socks. However, they make up for this by designing death machines to destroy the Earth and Humanity. See Einstein.