Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It
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INSOMNIA (ĭn säm nē ə) n. That despised state which prevents a human from exiting the Nightmare of his Reality and entering the Reality of his Nightmare.
INSTANT (ĭn stənt) n. The time it takes a Demon to suck the soul from a human spinal cord.
Insurance Thieves
INSURANCE (ĭn shr ənz) n. Protection payments which humans must pay to corporate thieves for fear of a house burning down, a car crashing, a child dismembered by a bear, or a corpse accruing debt from its ancestors’ inability to pay rent in perpetuity on a hole in the ground.
Testing Human Intelligence in Boiling Dog Excrement Lab
COMMENTARY BY BAAL ZEBUB
Earth-Density’s insurance industry, is now run entirely by Demons who have emigrated to Earth to experience the Thrill of Price-Gouging Humanity from atop the tallest and most opulent Skyscrapers, paid for by the stupid human slaves themselves, and thus daily rubbing their noses in the Monstrous Immensity of the Octopus of Extortion.
INTELLECT (ĭn təl lĕkt) n. The linear and causal filter of the brain which humans stupidly mistake for a source of knowledge. A mindless tool for dividing, ordering and structuring the puny reserve of human knowledge, making it appear bigger than it is. See Wisdom.
Human Intellectual Pondering Pretentious Paradoxy
INTELLECTUAL (ĭn təl lĕk shū əl) adj., n. Human who smokes a death plant from a wooden tube while drinking rotting grape effluvia. See Moron.
INTELLIGENCE TEST (ĭn tĕ lə jəns tĕst) n. A quiz written by morons for the classification of idiots.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Since humans with high intelligence have a bitter aftertaste to the Demonic palate, after the Invasion is complete, an intelligence test will be administered to all enslaved humans. After being forced to stand on their heads in pits of boiling dog excrement, humans will be required to answer multiplication problems by tapping the answers on their feet. Those who pass the quiz will be summarily vaporized and those who do not will be stored in protoplasm vats for future meals.
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE (ĭn tûr nəl rĕ və nū sûr vəs) n. Magnificent satanic corporation which eats profit and excretes bureaucracy. See Income Tax.
INTERNET (ĭn tər nĕt) n. Billion-dollar mass communication system which humans use to discuss fellatio and transmit child pornography.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
The Internet is the means by which Lord Satan and his Executives presently connect from a distance into the nervous system of the Earth and thus corrupt Humanity directly in the illusory safety of their homes. Prior to the Invasion of Earth, all Internet communication filtered through Lord Satan’s Palace, saving Demons both the nuisance of traveling via Hell’s Garbage Scows (previously the only available transport to Earth) and the unbearable discomfort of breathing in the reeking Body Odor of Mankind.
Invasion Manual Commission. L to R , in Human Form: Llu Cipher, Mephis Tophiel, Baal Zebub, Ahriman, Lord Satan, Asmo Deus, Lilith, Belial, Behemoth, Zyk .
INTESTINES (ĭn tĕs tĭns) n. Bags which hold Humanity’s most meaningful possessions. See Abdomen .
INTOXICATION (ĭn täk sə kā shən) n. n. See Alcohol; Journalist.
INVASION MANUAL COMMISSION (ĭn vā zhən mă nyū əl kə mĭ shən) n. This Intensely Evil Group, soon to be obliterated, was personally selected by the Evil Poet and Versifier Zyk of Asimoth to write Commentaries on My Manual of Earth Terms, in order to further Explicate the Dementia of Mankind.
The Demons comprising the Commission, in addition to being Hell’s Leading Experts on the Seven Deadly Sins, Eternally and Magnificently Despise each other. Their mutual hatred served to raise their level of enthusiasm in their desire to demean and refute one another. Thus, working out of fear, envy and loathing, their Writings Radiate a delightful Aura of Hatred and Paranoia.
Zyk, Commission Chairman, edited the Research Data and Composed Idiosyncratic Verses based upon his Scouting Missions to Earth at various historical periods.
The Commission’s work was difficult and wrought with tension. As the publication date draws closer and their work becomes delinquent, I plan to obliterate members of the Commission at surprise intervals to instill Fear into their Hides and thus get the job completed posthaste.
Ultimately, the Success of Zyk’s Commission may be determined only by You, the Demon Insurgent, and by how helpful this volume proves to be for the Invasion and Enslavement of Earth.
INVESTMENT (ĭn vĕst mənt) n. The superstition of the poor that they can hoard money already owned by the rich. See Finance.
IRON (ī ərn) n. Hot slab of metal which allows a human to wear unwrinkled pants to the gallows.
ISOLATION (ī sə lā shən) n. The location of the human mind relative to wisdom. See Hermit; Internet.
Map of Mafia Land Mass
ITALY (ĭ tə lē) p. Land inhabited exclusively by the Mafia. See Mafia; Vatican.
ITCH (ĭch) n. According to human mythology, the motive for the haphazard Creation of the Cosmos. Symbolically, the hypothetical Creator had an itch in the small of his back and materialized the Cosmos in order to evolve a backscratcher. After scratching his itch, the Cosmos was still there, a now useless creation, which the Creator abandoned in embarrassment.
J, J (jā) n. Pictogram indicating the hook circumscribing the neck of the Vaudeville Hack known as Mankind.
JACKAL (jă kəl) n. That which feeds off predatory decay. See Attorney.
Terror-Inducing Toddler Toy
JACK-IN-THE-BOX (jăk ĭn thə bŏks) n. Simple but effective toy designed to terrorize human toddlers.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
This profoundly evil toy symbolizes in its depths of meaning the Sadistic Imp of Enlightenment which appears at the climax of a precisely sequenced series of vibrations and reveals the inner self to be The Fool.
JAIL (jāl) n. 1. Skin. 2. The Earth. 3. The Cosmos.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Eons ago, Earth-Density was used as the Horrific Clime to which Unruly or Disobedient Demons were banished. But after finding it a wonderland of amusement, occupied as it was by the Stupidest Creatures in the Galaxy, Earth instead became not a jail but an offbeat resort.
Thus the Disobedient of Hell are no longer banished to Earth, but rather are banished into the Cosmos at Large, deemed by Lord Satan to be the Ultimate Prison for Sentient Entities.
JAZZ (jăz) n. The sounds of Hell which, when heard distantly by mythic divine angels, make them wonder if they are not, after all is said and done, in the wrong place. See Music.
JELLYFISH (jĕ lē fĭsh) n. State of evolution to which a human wife attempts to reduce her husband.
JESUS CHRIST (jē zəs krīst) p. 1. A .k.a. Jesus Josephson, Jesus the Nazarene, an archetypal Jewish teacher of the demented and incomprehensible doctrine of love. Thanks to Religion (q.v.), the fruit of Jesus’ bizarre teachings has rotted so exquisitely on the Tree of Ignorance that I, Satan, smile upon all Churches and Scriptures (q.v.) as the Greatest Allies of Evil. 2. In Earth history, the chief enemy of the military, capital punishment and fundamentalist dogma. In short, the enemy of patriotism, government and religion.
Human Artist’s Depiction of Jesus the Nazarene
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
Jesus Christ was executed for the annoying crimes of blasphemy, defiling a temple, giving Magic Shows without a license, and babbling that, in effect, he shared stewardship of the Cosmos with a Mythic God. After being nailed to a tree63, Jesus’ body was stolen by his faithful followers. The body was then gutted, stuffed and armatured with a crude internal clockwork mechanism which caused the corpse to sit up and its wired jaws to begin opening and closing, giving the illusion that Jesus had risen from the dead.
The Christ Puppet 64, operated and made to talk by Apostles Peter and Paul crouching under the corpse’s robe, launched their wildly successful business venture later known as Christianity (q.v.).
Jesus of Nazarene: Actual Appearance
COMMENTARY BY ZY
K
For the 666thEdition
Jesus was a Nazarene whose primary teaching was for humans to forgive their enemies and ultimately themselves, a teaching rightly hated by Humanity, who enthusiastically crucified him. He was also a plagiarist who stole Lord Satan’s Parables listed in the 1st edition of this book and reworked them in a disgustingly saccharine form. See Stupidity; the postscript to Zyk’s First Memo to the Publisher; and Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
Jesus Josephson looked nothing like the Earth painting supposedly made in his likeness. As a practical joke, Demons overshadowed the minds of Christian artists and painted Jesus to look exactly like Myself, as may be seen in the frontispiece portrait I commissioned for this Commemorative Edition. The real Jesus of Nazareth was short and pudgy, bearing a striking physical resemblance to My favorite human comedian, Buddy Hackett.
JEWELRY (jl rē) n. That which a human female uses as a request for love, and which a human male sees as a request for rape.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The humans’ obsession with jewelry is, overall, incomprehensible to Intelligent Demons. For example, human jewelry fetishists are so obsessed that they have even been observed having their heads surgically opened and a shiny metal plate placed inside the gore of the brain, apparently as jewelry for the otherwise ugly cerebellum.
Similarly, homosexual males, specifically alcoholics on the Joint Chiefs of Staff, secretly adorn their unseen rectums with bizarre jewelry known as butt plugs (q.v.).
JIGSAW PUZZLE (jĭg sô pŭ zəl) n. The complete puzzle of the Cosmos cut up, scrambled and boxed inside the human brain.
JOKE (jōk) n. 1. A human being. 2. That which, when told by a human, is not funny.
Al Jolson, Negro Impersonator
JOLSON, AL (jōl sən) p. An entertainer who won the love of human Caucasians by painting his face black and caricaturing a Negro begging for his mammy.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
As a personal note, Jolson is My favorite human entertainer.65
JOURNALISM (jûr nəl ĭ zəm) n. A form of Black Magic in which a publication biases Reality to the advantage of its advertisers. See Newspaper.
JUGGLER (jŭg lər) n. 1. Human accountant. 2. Human polygamist.
COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
Common misspelling for jugular, the least sour vein to suck after gutting a human.
JURY (j rē) n. Humans too stupid to get out of jury duty.
Billionaire-Controlled Scale
JUSTICE (jŭs tĭs) n. Superstition of humans oppressed by the billionaires who own them. See Plea Bargaining.
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE (jŭs tə fī ə bəl hŏ mə sīd) n. The homicide of humans. See Mercy Killing.
k, K (kā) n. 1. A pictogram of the Gaping Yawn extruding from the Symbol of Oneness.
KEEPSAKE (kēp sāk) n. A rag saved by a sentimental serial killer, because it mopped up the blood of his first victim. In the case of a Demon torturing humans for sport, keepsakes immediately should be shat upon.
Devices to Control Vaginal Freshness
KEY (kē) n. That which allows a male to lock his wife in a house, keeping her vagina fresh while he uses another.
KGB (kā jē bē) n. See Central Intelligence Agency.
KHAKI (kă kē) n. 1. Fashionable groin covering worn by humans while spilling the guts of an enemy or when organizing group therapy
for lesbians. 2. Aside from black and red, the only other color recognized by Hell. See Lesbian.
KICKBACK (kĭk băk) n. See Congress.
KIDNAPPER (kĭd nă pər) n. An inane thief who steals the most worthless thing in the galaxy, namely, a human being.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
The despicable act of human birth is a primal form of kidnapping in which a female steals innocent cosmic essences, deposits them against their will in her bowels, bakes them in sewage for nine months, then excretes them in the form of a mucus-covered homunculus. Indeed, the hypothetical God (whom humans pathetically prefer to posit as their Creator rather than Lord Satan, their true Creator) is the ultimate Kidnapper, having stolen Cosmic Elements against their will and formed them, to their horror, into a race of idiots.
Delicious Snack When Properly Evacuated
KIDNEY (kĭd nē) n. After gutting a human, squeeze this organ dry of fluid before eating.
KILL (kĭl) v. 1. To relieve misery holistically ; that is, without drugs. 2. That which any idiot can do, and therefore the chief activity of Mankind.
COMMENTARY BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL
Appreciation of the lusciousness of Killing is the only thing, thankfully, that Demonkind shares with the otherwise Insensible Glut of Mankind.
KINDNESS (kīnd nĭs) n. The act of instantly snapping a baby’s neck at birth. See Love.
Spewer Upon Queen and Country
KING (kĭng) n. That which soils the Queen. See Queen.
KISMET (kĭz mĕt) n. A romantic convergence of space-time strings in the human mind; for example, when long-lost childhood friends are entranced by finding their beds next to each other in the same cancer ward. See Future; Love.
Kitchen: Preparing Gore for Throat Holes
KISS (kĭs) n. The kiss is an activity designed by Hell to speed the evolution of the most important creature on Earth, Bacteria.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Humanity, an insignificant race, was designed by Lord Satan as a mere host organism into whose mouths and groins Bacteria could emigrate and therein house and feed themselves. Bacteria utilize human kissing as transportation from mouth to mouth until they find a tongue that suits them, and around which they then swathe their beautiful viral colonies. See Bacteria.
KITCHEN (kĭ chən) n. 1. Area in which humans slaughter and burn life-forms. 2. Central clearinghouse for disseminating carcinogens to Mankind. See Cooking; Lunch; Menu.
Coward Clothed in Metal
KNIGHT (nīt) n. A cowardly warrior who refuses to fight unless riveted inside a boiler oven.
KORAN (kə răn) n. See Scripture.
KREMLIN (krĕm lən) n. See White House.
Ancient Cow - Bag Advocate
KRISHNA (krĭsh nə) p. Spiritual leader who inspired the Caste System, the Class of Untouchables, and the Deification of Earth’s most insipid creature, the stinking, flatulent Cow. See Christ; Scripture.
l, L (ĕl) n. Pictogram of the human foot, which must be carefully deboned before eating.
Torso-Flap Slobbering Area
LABIA (lā bē ə) n. Female groin-flaps exuding urine, mucus and blood, which are enthusiastically slobbered over by human males.
LABOR (lā bər) n. Justifiable pain inflicted on females for bringing another human into the world.
LABOR UNION (lā bər yūn yən) n. 1.That which protects human workers from a corrupt organization. 2. A corrupt organization from which human workers must protect themselves.
LABORATORY (lăb (ə) rə tôr ē) n. Workplace in which humans torture animals and create diseases.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
Aside from the use of their television presentations as Somnambulants and Themselves as Rustic Toys for Demonkind, the only other use for Mankind is as subjects for the noble study of Human Animal Experimentation and Vivisection.9
All students of Torture 101 at Hell University now exclusively use Humanity as their lab rats in the devising of new and imaginative tortures.