COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
Demons often use dried human carcasses as puppets for entertainment purposes. This involves a process of recycling organs and carefully tanning the human hide. Specifically, a human may be stitched into a puppet and its parts recycled by the following procedure:1. With rubber gloves and a human vivisection kit (available from the Office of Behemoth, South Hell), gut and drain the human corpse. Do not drink the effluvia, as wasteful as this might seem. (Human plasma has a bitter aftertaste unless it is saturated with environmental toxins. See pamphlet #67, available free from the Office of Behemoth, entitled Unpolluted Human Plasma — What You Can Do About It.)
2. Manually squeeze the intestines from upper to lower, emptying the waste products into a shallow trench in your victory garden. Wash the intestines (approx. 25 ft.) and soak in a beaker of whiskey for two days.The tract may then be recycled as sausage casings, bagpipe bellows, groin cup/codpiece lining, razored into 3/4” strips, rosined and twisted into D or G doublebass strings, or shredded as pectoral implants.
3. Gently decapitate and use a 1/8” Skilsaw on the skull to access the brain. Puncture brain sac. Pound the sac, brain and effluvia with a two-lb. sledge into a gray paste. Puree in a blender with green food coloring. Pour into a bowl with 1/4 cup frozen corn and bread crumbs and mix thoroughly. Pour out on a cookie tray in a pancake and let dry.When stiff, brush two layers of shellac over top and bottom. The human corpse’s brains may now be recycled as realistic novelty “plastic” party vomit.
Demon Entertainer With Human Fetus Puppet
4. After eating the heart, kidneys and liver, slice the lung sacs into lozenges and dry for one hour. These lozenges may be sucked on for their exquisitely tart and tangy environmental toxins. (See Pamphlet #85, Lungs and Los Angeles: A Winning Taste-Treat.)
5. Dry the decapitated head and skin and reattach via a sewing machine. Soften the skin (which will be stiff) by vigorous sledge-pounding until flexible and pliable. Shellac and glue the dried tongue into the bottom of the jaw, then wire the jaw so that it opens and closes freely.
6. Finally, sew the gutted skin back together, leaving a 6” opening near the anus. Replace the eyes with 3/4” black marbles and carefully comb the skull hair over the stitch marks.
If the Demon Reader has carefully followed the above instructions, the human may now be recycled for use at parties as a cute and perky hand puppet.
PURGATORY (pər gə tô rē) n. The human concept which, although childishly formulated, vaguely resembles the Real Reality. See Cosmology of Hell; Reality.
PUS (pŭs) n. A substance which humans dislike encountering during their first kiss. See Acne; Puberty.
q, Q (kyū) n. Aerial pictogram of a human with Death’s Scythe embedded in his head.
Absurd Earth Animal
QUACK (kwăk) n. Babbling emission erupting from the mouth of a duck or a human physician.
QUADRUPLETS (kwô drū plĭts) n. 1. That which quadruples the excrement. 2. Litters born in trailer parks.
QUAGMIRE (kwăg mīr) n. A reference to the technical and logistic problems a Demon experiences when about to devour a human. (A popular term referring to the human-hungry, rapacious and notoriously indecisive Quag Demon.)
For example, the dilemma may hinge on whether to kill a human before eating it, or to drink its blood first and then kill it or, in the case of Demons with hinged jaws, whether or not to simply devour it whole.
Groin-Cupped Steroid Addict
COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
The answer, of course, is to devour the human whole, allowing its screams to tingle the palate as it squirms down the throat, heightening the gourmet experience.
QUANTUM PHYSICS (kwän təm fĭ zĭks) n. Satirical science fiction resulting from moronic humans’ inability to identify the threshold between the organs of perception and the perceived object.
QUARTERBACK (kwôr tər băk) n. A barking, groin-cupped steroid addict who is worshipped by humans for his ability to throw the hide of a swine.
QUARTERLY REPORT (kwôr tər lē rĭ pôrt) n. The bathroom reading of Satan.
QUARTET (kwôr tĕt) n. Torture times four.
Vibratory Torture
QUASAR (kwā zär) n. Due to the feebleness and paucity of Humanity’s perception of interstellar objects, they mistake for a luminosity level R star what is really a Despised Angel who has been bazookaed by Lord Satan’s Executives and is burning to a crisp.
QUATERNION (kwä tər nē ən) n. Mathematical eunuch beautifully castrated by vector analysis. Regarding this castration, Demons use quaternions to plot the rotations of Sir William Rowe Hamilton in his grave.
QUATRAIN (kwä trān) n. Poem with four verses too many.
COMMENTARY BY ZYK
Four lines summing up Humanity And its breadth of wisdom inclusively Require but a barren three.
Human Queasiness
QUEASY (kwē zē) adj. 1. Human perturbation upon viewing conceptual art exhibit. 2. That which a Demon feels for a half-hour after devouring an advertising executive.
Queen on Throne During Royal Menses Discharge
QUEEN (kwēn) n. That which elegantly bleeds on the throne.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The fatuous human whore of state known as the queen has no official duties save one: to torture her starving subjects with displays of decadent opulence. A queen is without peer as a fashion trendsetter, often displaying her bejeweled head in a baroque new hairstyle, stuffed in a gaudy wig, or guillotined in a basket.
QUEER (kwîr) adj. That which best describes the human race in its morbid predilection to ceaselessly fornicate with its own orifices.
QUESTION MARK (kwĕs chən märk) n. A punctuation mark in human language which imitates the inexplicable shape of the Cosmos.
COMMENTARY BY ZYK
Of this shape, and its conceptual analogy to Universal Creation, I offer the following versification:Upon the sebaceous skin
of whorish space,
The Lords of Hell tattooed
whorls of stars,
Exoskeleton of the Hell Cosmos
Arranging them in patterns
which would trace
In code the secret plucking
of their lyres.
With that which monkey men
call meta-time,
Daemons sculpt the skies
in geometric meditation
To shape their Sacred Lies
in hideous rhyme,
Blaspheming the Light
in Black Configuration.
But when, at last,
man’s fleshy Earth-disguise
Lies waste in blistered pulps
on ravaged shores,
And drowned jackals stare
with saucer eyes
As the last engulfing wave
their peace restores,
Then Daemons, to punctuate
their Poem in the dark,
Will pluck the Earth to dot
a Question Mark.
QUINTUPLETS (kwĭn t plətz) n. The most common cause of parental prayers for crib death. See Child Abuse; Child Sacrifice; Sterilization .
r, R (är) n. Letter which imitates the creaking sound of a frozen human being defrosted in a microwave.
RABBI (ră bī) n. A holy man who emulates the mythic miserliness of Jehovah (q.v.) by charging humans to worship Him.
Soon to Have Good-Luck Stumps
RABBIT (ră bĭt) n. Cute creature whose feet humans chop off for good luck.
RACE (rās) n. 1. The division of the Broadcloth of Humanity into a clashing, incompatible wardrobe which the Earth wears like a trembling wino. 2. The scramble for the Finish Line of Wisdom in which, on the first lap, Man’s brain pulls a hamstring.
RACE TRACK (rās trăk) n. See Horse Racing.
RACK (răk) n. A happy device used to encourage a human to stretch his tolerance for pain.
RACKETEER (ră kə tîr) n. An unlettered raconteur.
RACONTEUR (ră kôn tûr) n. A suave r
acketeer.
Jingle Transmission Device
RADIO (rā dē ō) n. Vibratory transmissions with which humans glut the galaxy with hemorrhoid cream jingles.
RAINBOW (rān bō) n. That which forms over Auschwitz.
RAIN (rān) n. Ecosystem which blends Humanity’s atmospheric pollutants and efficiently recycles them to poison the Earth.
RAPE (rāp) n. The pit inside the fruit of human courtship.
COMMENTARY BY BELIAL
Rape is a bizarre gymnastic routine performed exclusively by human males, using females in place of exercise machines.
RATIONALISM (ră shən əl ĭ zəm) n. A wall of paradox and prooflessness resulting from humans viewing Reality through the pinhole of human logic. See Intellect.
Human Correlative
RAT (răt) n. A creature which, like Humanity, infests the planet with ceaseless reproduction and thrives on transforming its environment into a rat hole.
RATTLESNAKE (ră təl snāk) n. That which, like a human infant, shakes its rattle in warning that hideous poisons lie inside its orifice.
Scraper of Futility
RAZOR (rā zər) n. That which humans use to temporarily scrape bristles from their hides in a laughable attempt to disguise their monstrousness.
REAL ESTATE (rēl əs tāt) n. The succinct expression of Mankind’s arch philosophy that it owns the Earth, like a layer of mold proclaiming it owns the orange peel.
REALITY (rē ăl ə tē) n. 1. The kindergarten play which Humanity performs for its bored theater critic, Nothingness. 2. The Infinitely Interwoven Broadcloth of the Cosmos of which Human Idiots can see only a Single Thread. See Nothingness.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
Reality, as such, does not exist. To give All That Is the name Reality is to defile and corrupt the concept before it can even be explored. But without the word Reality, the Demon Reader may Inquire, how can the concept be grasped? By experiencing it, say I, Satan, Lord of Hell. And in that experience is the Blackest Bliss in all of the Profoundly Evil and Empty Soul of the Cosmos.86
REASON (rē zən) n. The tool which humans use to analyze and justify atrocities committed on behalf of their genitalia.
Supervisor of Torment and Alienation
RECEPTIONIST (rĭ sĕp shən ĭst) n. The most powerful of humans who, as Gatekeepers to Corporate Executives and Electronic Communication Systems, single-handedly restrict humans’ access to their own banks, attorneys and corporations and who thereby supervise the Torment and Alienation of Mankind.
COMMENTARY BY BAAL ZXEBUB
That which is unknown to Mankind is that Demons have infiltrated every major corporation as Head Receptionist, and therefore have Ultimate Control over the Destiny of Man.
RECTANGULAR (rĕk tăng gyū lər) adj. The shape of a human’s head when he’s not looking in the mirror.
RECYCLE (rē sī kəl) v. That which bacteria does to Humanity.
REDUNDANCY (rĭ dŭn dən sē) n. See Self-Reference.
Rotten Food Preservation Device
REFRIGERATOR (rĭ frĭj ər ā tər) n. That which retards the rotting of foodstuff, so that humans may savor the full effect of food, once eaten, rotting inside themselves.
REINCARNATION (rē ĭn kär nā shən) n. 1. Regurgitation of a half-baked breakfast. 2. The process by which souls travel from body to body until they have burnt all Anti-Evil (q.v.) from their Beings and reach, after eons of evolution, a State of Perfect Evil. At this point, they are eligible for matriculation at the City of Hell School of Law. See Cosmology of Hell.
RELATIVE (rĕl ə tĭv) n. Humans statistically most likely to kill, rape and/or steal from those spewed from genetically linked vaginas.
RELIGION (rĭ lĭ jən) n. The layering of honey on shit. See Stupidity ; God; Scripture.
REMAINDER BIN (rĭ mān dər bĭn) n. That which, in human bookstores, is glutted with treatises on wisdom and morality.
RENAISSANCE (rĕn ə sänts) n. The age in which Humanity freed itself from the oppression of ignorance, and enslaved itself to the oppression of God.87
REPUBLICAN (rĭ pŭb lĭ kən) n. A meat-eating democrat. See Conservative; Money.
Family Outing to Devour Gore and Glucose
RESTAURANT (rĕs tə ränt) n. Place where spouses devour gore and ignore each other, when they tire of ignoring each other at home.
RETCH (rĕch) v. See Dry Heave.
REUNION (rē yūn yən) n. An opportunity for the renewal of misery.
REVELATION (rĕ vəl ā shən) n. Telepathic messages sent by drunken Demons to human “prophets” and “mediums” as a joke. See Possession; Scripture.
REVOLUTION (rĕ və lū shən) n. A government of starving citizens which topples a government of bloated citizens.
RIBALDRY (rĭ bəl drē) n. A camouflage term human intellectuals use to justify in-depth discussions of fellatio and sodomy.
RIDDLE (rĭ dəl) 1. v. That which bullets do to human flesh. 2. n. A flouncy human conundrum.
COMMEMTARY BY ZYK
By way of example, I offer the following riddle regarding Humanity:
Question:
What do Demons love that gods
require;
The poor possess, yet the rich desire;
What lies obdurate hidden in the
heart,
And yet extends to hold the stars
apart;
From what comes Man from which
he cannot come,
And starts and stops the moon and
stars and sun;
That which misers discard and
paupers save,
And each man brings unto his
grave?
Answer: Nothing.
Symbol of Human Marriage: Rigid Emptiness
RING (rĭng) n. A metal circle symbolic of human relationships: a rigid emptiness, a hollow zero.
RING OF OBLADADOX (rĭng əv ä blä dă däks) n. An expensive finger ring conjured in Hell City which facilitates the possessing of a lower life-form. After possession, the Ring magically moves to the finger of the body you are possessing.88
Masturbation Correlative
RITUAL (rĭ chū əl) n. Repetitive motions which humans perform to attain religious ecstasy. See Masturbation.
COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
The origin of human religious ritual is worthy of note. Eons ago, when Demons first settled in Earth-Density, the eating and digesting of humans consistently caused particularly strong and unappetizing clouds of flatulence.
When Demons attempted to dissipate the odor by lighting candles or incense and moving them in circles through the stench, primitive humans misinterpreted these movements as having religious significance.
Thus the solemn rituals performed by religious numbskulls do not symbolize sanctifying the church, but rather clearing it of farts.
Ideal Corporate Human
ROBOT (rō bŏt) n. From the corporate viewpoint, the ideal human being.
Cozy Death Chair
ROCKING CHAIR (rŏ kĭng châr) n. A cozy chair in which human children pray that their foul-smelling and attention-demanding grandparents die. See Wheelchair.
ROMANCE (rō măns) n. The dreary clash of two human magnetic fields, auras which invisibly stick out from human bodies like mangy, chaotic stacks of etheric straw. See Love.
COMMENTARY BY BELIAL
Romance between humans can be compared to the momentary chafing of maggots. The clashing of the humans’ magnetic fields gives them a momentary intoxicating rush, akin to the rush a Demon experiences when sucking on the human pineal gland.
Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 20