by Owen, L
Now, I could tell her many things, fuck off for starters, but I just can’t seem to get over the fact she’s practically naked while trying to intimidate me. “I’m sorry, Nicola. I just can’t take you seriously like this.” I gesture with my hand towards her body.
She drops her arms and takes a step closer. I stand my ground waiting for I don’t know what to happen. Maybe a bit of hair pulling or a bitch slap? There’s a knock at the door. “Caitlin, are you in there, babe?” Great timing Ethan.
I walk over to the door, opening it just a crack. “Hey, just getting changed, you okay?”
He gets a glint in his eye. “You getting shy? I’ve seen it all already, and mighty fine it is, too.”
I shake my head. “I’m not the only one in here.”
“Oh, okay. Sorry. Do you want me to stay with you while you train?” He’s cute when he’s embarrassed.
“Nope, it’s fine. You’ll just be a distraction.” I lean forward and give him a quick kiss.
“Come find me when you finish, then. I should be in my office.”
I attempt to say bye, but the door is pulled from my hands by Nicola. Luckily, she’s now dressed as she walks past us. Looking up at Ethan, she bats her eyelashes. “Hi, Ethan.” Then she walks over towards Roman. I can’t believe the balls of this woman. I take a long breath. I need to count to ten, or even maybe a hundred.
Going back in the locker room, I quickly get changed as I don’t need Nicola to bitch about me making them late, as well. Once I get out there, she’s running on a treadmill. There’s a look of concern on Roman’s face as he asks, “You ready?”
I slap his arm. “As I’ll ever be!”
We’re here for an hour and a half. The first half of the session, we work on cardio, then we move in the ring for sparring. I can see why Roman wants to train Nicola. I have to give it to her, she’s talented. Roman’s not helping the bad situation with Nicola though. A few times he tells her she needs to put in more effort. Then he really pisses her off. “Nicola, for fuck’s sake, you want to do this professionally? Caitlin’s running rings around you. You’re lucky she doesn’t want to be a professional, too. You would never beat her if this is all you’ve got.” Then he turns his attention to me. “Caitlin, thought anymore about coaching for me?” Now, I know he’s pissed about Beth, but even I think his comment was a bit shitty, and it won’t exactly help this stupid vendetta Nicola has with me. I stop sparring, letting my guard down to turn my face to him. My stance is still towards Nicola. “Yes, actually, I think I want to do it.” There is a horrific pain on the side of my face, and I’m falling to the ground. I lie there completely dazed. What the hell just happened? It takes a few moments before I realize Nicola must have hit or even kicked me right in my face. I have no idea how she didn’t knock me out. Ethan runs to my side, a look of pure panic in his eyes. “Baby, are you okay? I heard Roman screaming at Nicola, and next thing I knew, you were on the floor!”
This draws me to the scene playing out just outside the ring. Roman was in the army and is a fighter, so he must have an aggressive side, but that’s not him at all. In that first bar, when Clay had been all over me, he couldn’t help but joke. That’s what he does; he’s a joker. Not now, though. The look across his face as he bellows at Nicola scares the crap out of me. I know it’s not hard to do, but it’s having the same effect on Nicola, as she flinches with each word being fired at her.
“What the fuck was that?” he demands.
“We were sparring,” Nicola says, trying to sound confident but looking quite the opposite.
“Sparring! You knew she had stopped. She wasn’t even looking at you. That was a dick move, and you know it, but what else should I expect from a bitch like you?” He’s becoming red in the face. “I don’t want to be associated with someone like you, let alone train you. GET THE FUCK OUT!” he yells the last four words at her.
All Nicola’s bravado has gone, and tears stream down her face. My head is killing me, so it’s hard to feel sorry for her. She soon recovers though, as she walks to Ethan and asks, “Are you going to let him talk to me like that?” Like I said before, she’s got balls. Ethan’s eyes remain firmly on mine. I take his hand and shake my head. There’s no expression on his face, but his jaw is ticking so I know he’s as angry as Roman. He doesn’t move, but in a low tone he says, “Just do as my brother says.”
She sucks in a breath and glares at me. “You! This is entirely your fault, you fucking bitch.”
As she is finishing her sentence, Ethan grabs her arm and marches her towards the locker room. He holds the door open and spits out, “Get your stuff and get out! Don’t even think about coming back.” He looks furious now. I hear Nicola running out of the gym as Roman comes over and crouches beside me. “Caitlin, I’m so sorry. Ethan was right, I never should’ve let you two train together.”
“You think?” is all Ethan says as he rejoins us.
“Ethan,” I warn. “This is not Roman’s fault. Roman, I’m a little sore, but I’ll live. Please don’t worry about it.”
Roman rubs the back of his neck, “I’ll get you some ice.”
As he leaves, I say to Ethan, “Please, Ethan, I’m fine.”
He gently strokes my sore jaw. “I love you.”
Those three words take all my pain away. “I love you, too.”
TWENTY TWO
Caitlin
I sit on Ethan’s bed as he fusses around me. Some may say he’s being attentive, but it’s becoming annoying. Nicola had only blindsided me. Apart from a sore head and a little shock, I’m fine. Ethan doesn’t see it that way. After the incident, he walked me the short distance to his apartment, keeping his arm wrapped around me for support. I was fighting a headache, not lost coordination.
“I know she surprised you, but damn Caitlin, you should have knocked her flat on her ass. If anyone had an ass whooping coming, it’s Nicola for that cheap shot.”
“I only do it to train, not to fight,” I say, dread starting to weigh heavily upon me.
“You train, but refuse to use it to fight? What? You need to train to compete. Caitlin, you’re good and could go really far.”
“Stop, Ethan. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we drop it?” I plead, my stomach starting to churn.
He sighs heavily and shrugs his shoulders before disappearing into the kitchen. I sit in silence, my foot nervously tapping up and down.
“I don’t understand why you want me to drop it. It’s just a simple question, an observation,” he calls to me from the other room. A single thought occupies my mind. Ever since Beth brought it up during her visit, I can’t stop thinking about my secret. She was right, I needed to tell him, and he deserves better than to hear it from someone else. However, I thought I might have more time. I’m being backed into a corner.
“Caitlin? You still there? Why won’t you answer me?”
It’s now or never. “Well, you never asked me again,” I blurt as he enters the room.
Ethan looks confused and joins me on the bed. “What are you talking about?”
“Why I won’t fight back. After Clay, you never asked again.” My nervous foot twitch goes into hyper drive as I furiously gnaw on a thumbnail.
“Well, I just figured you’d tell me when you were ready. What’s this have to do with Nicola? Are you scared of her?” he says with almost a laugh. I want to look at him, but my eyes remain firmly fixed at the floor.
“He always told me nobody would want me.” I feel the familiar stinging of unshed tears threatening to fall.
“Who, babe?” Ethan reaches out and puts his hand on top of my knee in an effort to stop my trembling leg. I finally manage to glance up at him, but my eyes dart back to the spot on the floor.
“Stephen. He always said that once people found out, they wouldn’t accept me; that he was the only person who would ever be with me after…what I did.”
Ethan edges forward, and I put my hand up to stall him. I have to get this out, and if he tries to comfort
me, I may lose my nerve.
“I need to tell you something.” My voice is barely above a whisper.
“I don’t understand. Caitlin, you’re worrying me, and you’re shaking!”
“As terrible as it is, you deserve the truth.” I bite my lower lip to stop the trembling.
Ethan’s quiet for a few moments. “What truth? Caitlin, what the hell are you talking about?” His voice is harsh now.
It had happened so many years ago, and I rarely let myself think about it anymore. It’s such a painful memory, but I’ve basically come to terms with what I’d done. Hesitantly, I relive the story of that fateful night for Ethan.
“It was a few days after my twenty-third birthday, and Beth had arranged a night out to celebrate. My shift at the care home finished a little late, so I got ready at work. Afterwards, I set off on foot to the local pub in town where I’d promised to meet everyone.
“My town is small and quiet. It wasn’t a surprise the streets were mostly deserted, and I only saw the occasional person as I made my way. About halfway there, I heard footsteps closing in behind me, but I didn’t worry about it. I felt safe in my sleepy town where bad things rarely happened.
“One moment I was casually walking, minding my own business, and the next I was grabbed from behind and dragged down an alley. My feet scrambled in the gravel, and I couldn’t get my footing. Initially, alarm set in as I clawed at the hands that imprisoned me, but it was to no avail. I was trapped.
“‘There’s no point struggling, bitch,’ the gruff voice said, sending chills up my spine. One hand now gripped both of my arms, while the other one roughly grabbed at my breast.
“I managed to get my panic under control, when a sudden calm washed over me. I wasn’t giving up without a fight. The last year prior, I’d been kick boxing, and I’d been preparing for my first competition.
“As soon as my feet were firmly back on the ground, I got the leverage I needed to bring my head forward. With all the strength I could muster, I hurled it back and connected with his nose.
“He immediately released me, screaming, ‘You fucking bitch!’ I found myself being propelled forward and landed face forward into a brick wall. Luckily, I’d braced myself, and my hands took most of the impact.
“Turning to face him, I finally saw my attacker. He was a big guy, well over six feet, but with it being dark, his face remained shadowed. I couldn’t quite make out his features. Bringing my hands up, I got into a defensive stance, just how I had practiced a thousand times before. But this wasn’t practice, and I was growing terrified. I tried to channel the calm I’d felt before to stay focused because I couldn’t let this guy hurt me, or maybe even something worse.
“A hand covered his nose, and I had some satisfaction when the blood dripped through his fingers. When he noticed my stance, he laughed. ‘You think you’re going to stop me, stupid bitch? Nothing stops me. You made me bleed; I’ll take my sweet time with you.’
“Involuntary shudders wracked my body, but I remained firm and unmoving. My eyes stayed focused on my target, anticipating his next move. He stalked towards me, and I braced myself…waiting. Waiting for just the right time to make my move. Being as large as he was, he moved slowly and cumbersome. He raised his fist, but before it connected, I swung my leg up with all my might. It landed under his jaw, and his head jolted back.
“He stumbled a couple of paces, and then fell to the ground. His head made the most sickening sound when it smacked against the pavement. I got back into my defensive stance, expecting him to get up. He didn’t move. I kept waiting for him to jump up, to lurch at me, to grab for me… Then I noticed the angle of his neck. I slowly moved forward and nudged his foot with mine. I couldn’t breathe. The alley started to spin, and I vomited right there. I…I…”
“You killed him!” Ethan blurts out instantly stopping my story.
“Yes!” The tears finally flow, and I hide my face in my palms.
Ethan jumps up and paces the room a few times before stopping in front of me. “Are you telling me that some fucking guy dragged you down an alley with the intention to rape you, but before he could, you killed him?” His voice gets louder the more he rants.
“Ethan,” I say, but he halts me with his hand.
“Don’t say anything; I need a moment.” He begins to pace again.
My head becomes dizzy watching him walk back and forth. I’ve lost him; I just know it. Stephen’s words haunt me. No one is ever going to understand. My throat’s closing up, and now I’m unable to catch my breath. Tears well in my eyes as a sob chokes out. Ethan must hear it as he abruptly turns to me. “Shit!” he hisses and is suddenly next to me. Rubbing at my back while holding my hand, he whispers for me to calm down and take slow, deep breaths. Doing so calms my breathing, but I still can’t look him in the eye. I don’t have the strength to see the disgust I’m sure he now feels for me.
“Caitlin,” he says, but I refuse to move. “Caitlin,” he stresses again. This time I lift my tear-swollen eyes to meet his. There’s no disgust on his face. A little hurt maybe, but mostly I see love. “Are you okay now?” I manage a nod in reply. “Good,” he mutters, looking away but continuing to stroke my back. We sit in silence until he asks, “Why haven’t you told me this before?”
“Stephen said…”
He interrupts me. “Fuck what Stephen said! He’s a damned idiot. Ohhh, what I’m going to do to that man if I ever get my hands on him.”
“NO!” I shout out. “Don’t even say things like that. I can’t ever see him again.” My panic quickly rises again.
“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” he asks quietly. I don’t know what to say, so I say nothing.
Eventually, Ethan asks, “What happened after?”
I swipe the tears from my cheeks and swallow hard before continuing. “At first I was in shock, but I finally called the police. They arrested me.”
“What!” Ethan exclaims, making me jump. “Shit, babe. Sorry,” he says wrapping me in his arms. He places sweet kisses to my forehead. His tenderness shows I haven’t lost him, and the tears start again. His embrace tightens. “Caitlin, I’m so, so sorry how I reacted.”
“I can’t believe you’re holding me instead of hating me?” I mumble into his chest.
He pulls me away and takes my face in his hands. “How could I hate you?” he adamantly states, dropping his head to kiss to my lips. “What you did was self-defense. Please, tell me you know that, right?”
“I still struggle with that,” I admit. “Self-defense or not, I took a life.”
He remains holding my face and looks deeply into my eyes. “It was you or him, babe. And I thought you were strong before…” He shakes his head, letting out a pent up breath. “I wish you’d told me this earlier, but at least you told me. I could never hate you for defending yourself. That fucking rapist deserved everything he got.” With his words, the relief I feel is out of this world. It’s as if everything that’s been done or said to me doesn’t matter anymore. Ethan is right; it was me or the attacker, and he accepts me completely—baggage and all.
“What happened after those idiots arrested you?”
“I was appointed a lawyer, and it was Stephen.”
“Stephen was your lawyer?” Ethan doesn’t hide his disgust at the mention of his name.
Blowing out a sigh I continue, “Yes, it wasn’t hard for him to convince them of my innocence, especially since my story held up with what was found at the scene. Also, once they identified the man, it turned out he was wanted for six other rapes. He wasn’t local, but he’d hopped on a train and unfortunately found himself in my town.”
“So how the hell did you end up dating your lawyer? Surely that shit’s frowned upon?”
“It didn’t happen at first. After the attack, I wasn’t in a good place. I was on a rare trip out with Beth, and I bumped into him.”
“What do you mean, not a good place?”
“After the attack, I couldn’t get the im
age of his neck grossly twisted that way out of my head. Every time I shut my eyes, his lifeless ones stared back at me. The guilt ate away at me. I stayed in my room, rarely coming out. My Nan made me see a counselor, but nothing helped. One day, she reached out to the police and asked if her name could be passed on to the other victims. They did as she requested, and three out of the six contacted her, agreeing to meet me.”
“Wow, I bet that was difficult.”
“At first, yes. I couldn’t face anyone, but one of the younger girls grabbed me in a huge hug. She kept thanking me as she desperately clung to me. After hearing their horrific stories, I realized something important. My actions might have saved other girls who would have been unable to protect themselves. At first, Stephen agreed with that sentiment. He was like a knight in shining armor sent to rescue me from my self-pity and guilt. However, the more I healed, the more independence I gained. He didn’t like that. The abuse started simply, with him forcing me to relive the story to keep me scared and at home.” I focus on Ethan’s fingers that are lovingly rubbing circles on my hand. He says nothing, so I continue.
“Anyway, you know the extent of Stephen’s abuse, no need to rehash that. But I wanted to let you know why I freeze like I do with violence. I stopped kick boxing for a year, but eventually my coach talked me into coming back for stress relief. I was never able to compete; the most I managed was light sparring. I was always terrified I’d hurt someone again. I only did it for fun and to keep fit, well until Stephen of course.” We’re now lying down, and I’m snuggled safely in his arms. My eyelids droop; this emotional conversation is exhausting me.
“I understand,” says Ethan. Now he knows everything, and he’s still here. Feeling relief in that fact, I fall asleep safely in the arms of the man I love, and who loves me back unconditionally.
TWENTY THREE
Caitlin
Since our conversation and the incident with Nicola, Ethan is insisting we spend our free time together. I have to say, there are worse ways to spend my week, and I don’t mind it at all. It’s great we’re able to move past everything; in fact I think it’s made us stronger.