Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “If you need to talk, I’m here Callie.”

  “Thanks for being here, Ari,” she whispers, pulling away with a half-smile.

  “See you soon?” I nod, kissing her hand before heading back towards the corridor.

  “Sure.”

  * * *

  “Gavin, baby, I’m here.” My voice is strained with emotion and I try to take deep breaths through the fear coursing through me. What if he doesn’t wake up? God, I can’t fathom being without him. How would I survive it?

  I clutch his hand that isn’t bound up in wires and tape, press his palm to my cheek in an effort to connect in even the smallest way. I just need him to open those gorgeous blue gray eyes of his.

  I’m taken back to that first night he held me, so many weeks ago.

  “Beautiful,” he says, and without another word he pulls me into his chest, lifting me as he sits against the headboard, his arms wrapped tightly around my trembling body. He sets me in his lap, holding me tight and I bury my face in his neck, clutching onto his shoulders for support. I let my emotions take over my body, feeling the pain and the terror and the relief of being held.

  “I can’t… .” I stutter, trying to talk through my tears. His hand runs up and down my back, banishing away the cold, dirty feeling that lingers on my skin from the dream.

  “Shh, baby. I’m here, just breathe,” he whispers, kissing my forehead and tucking me close to him, his chin resting on the top of my head. I suck in a breath, slowly letting it out.

  “Again, Aria,” he continues to whisper, watching me while I take another full breath and release it. I feel myself calm down from his warmth and that intoxicating scent of mint that only Gavin can make both calming and exciting at the same time.

  He lifts his chin and places his palms on my cheeks, tilting my face up so his eyes meet mine. He gasps, seeing my disheveled state. I see his forehead crease with worry as he wipes my tears away with his thumbs and showers my face with soft kisses.

  “How? When did you get here?” I whisper, finding comfort in his soft blue eyes and gentle touch.

  “I was on my way home and I wanted to bring you flowers to surprise you. When I got here, Jesus, you looked so scared, so helpless, I had to wake you. I can’t stand to see you like this, hurt and afraid, Aria. Are you okay? Please, be honest with me.”

  I can’t seem to form words so I rest my forehead against his, taking a deep breath to steady myself. I’m okay, it was just a dream. I’m okay.

  “I’m okay, it was horrible, but I’m okay,” I finally whisper.

  Gavin exhales, not letting go of me. He traces a pattern across my thigh, calming me.

  “What do you need, baby?” I get butterflies despite my nightmare, at the sound of him calling me that. I might even like it better than Beautiful.

  “I don’t know, Gavin. I can’t fall back asleep after that. Can you just hold me for a while?”

  He leans back, smiling warmly at me.

  “That I can do, Aria.”

  He wraps his arms around me, his hands gliding up my back to soothe me. Pressing my face to his chest, I focus on breathing in and out. God, he feels so good.

  After so long just sitting with him, I remember something Dr. Lee said. Gavin might be able to hear me, feel my presence. Suddenly it makes perfect sense to me. I have to give him a reason to wake up, to come back. I have to talk to him, tell him everything I’ve been feeling the last three hours.

  “Gavin… ” I press my hand to the left of his chest where I can feel his slightly slower but still steady heartbeat underneath my fingers.

  “I feel it. I feel your heart. It’s still beating. Please, please come back to me.”

  Tears well in my eyes and I dip my head to his forearm as I silently cry. I’m so scared, so, so scared that I’ve lost this kind, passionate, beautiful man forever.

  “I’m so sorry, Gavin. I left and I didn’t let you explain. I was so hurt, so angry with you after what I saw in your office yesterday. I had no idea what to think, how to move on from you. I love you; I think I’ve loved you since the moment we first made love.”

  God, the truth of my last statement strikes right through my heart. I’d been so afraid to open up to him, to risk my heart. Afraid that I’d be all alone in this thing I’d found with Gavin. But when I looked up into his smoldering blue gray eyes while we were making love, I saw so much. I saw love. And I knew I’d fallen now and forever in love with him.

  I kiss his hand and the tears don’t stop as I pour my heart out for him. He’s owned it ever since I fell in love with him just a few weeks ago.

  “Before I met you, I was so closed off. I was so determined to stay away from any attachment, knowing how deeply my heart could be broken and I didn’t want to risk that again. But you, God, Gavin, you got to me, you saw me and I couldn’t stay away from you. I was afraid that you’d hurt me, but more than that, I was scared that I would lose you, Gavin. These last three hours have been the most terrifying of my life and I realized something. I’m completely and totally in love with you, baby. I’m so sorry I overreacted and I didn’t let you explain. Please, open your eyes. Wake up so I can tell you how much I love you, Gavin. Please… ”

  I look tenderly at his face, waiting and waiting. Yearning for that soft smile to spread over his mouth, revealing his dimple. For those expressive blue eyes of his to bore into mine. But he doesn’t stir, his eyes remain closed. I exhale and press my face to his neck, breathing his intoxicating scent into my nose. I press my hands to his chest, crying quietly into his neck. Gavin, please come back to me…

  “I’m sorry, I love you” are the only words I can seem to utter as the sobs erupt out of me, my throat constricting as I release the emotions overwhelming my body.

  Eighteen

  THERE’S A KNOCK BY THE DOOR and thankfully, I’ve collected myself enough to call out for whomever it is to enter. Callie and an older woman with dark brown hair and gray colored eyes that shift to mine walk in. Gavin’s mother. Oh my God this is Gavin’s mother.

  “Ari, this is Elizabeth, my mom. Mom, this is Aria Morgan, Gavin’s girlfriend.”

  She eyes me for a moment before stepping forward and gives me a warm smile. “It’s wonderful to meet you, honey. Are you doing OK?”

  She sits beside me and her eyes are soft with unshed tears. She looks so much like Gavin, it takes me aback for a moment.

  “I’m not sure. I can’t believe this happened and I just want him to wake up.”

  A tear escapes my eye and she grabs my hand, holding it gently in hers and deftly wipes the tear away from my cheek.

  “He’s strong honey, and I know how much he loves you. He’s going to wake up, and from what I’ve heard he’ll have some making up to do.”

  I gasp, he talks to his mother about me? Oh, goodness.

  “Why do you say that?”

  She sighs, looking briefly to her son before her eyes shift back to mine. I spot Callie speaking softly to her brother on the other side of the bed and my heart constricts for her.

  “We had dinner last night and honey, he was a mess. He told me what happened with Jasmine and I can tell you, that nothing is between him and that girl. From what I heard, he loves you more than anything. And I’m not telling you to forget what you saw, but Aria, he would never want to hurt you or betray you. I would bet my life on that.”

  I nod, knowing she’s right. I don’t know why I ran like that, but I have to explain it to him. He has to wake up, soon.

  “He loves you, sweet girl. And I can see that you love him. Don’t you?”

  I nod, squeezing his hand in mine.

  “God, I love him so much. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. Mrs. Thomas, I love your son very much.”

  She scoffs when I call her that, her lips lifting in a smile.

  “Elizabeth, please honey. I’m going to take Callie home for a few hours, then we’ll be back. Do you need anything?”

  She leans forward and wraps her arms around m
e, her slender frame pressing to mine. I hug her back, sniffing into her beige colored, striped knitted jacket.

  “No, I’m okay. Thank you, Elizabeth. It’s nice to finally meet you. You raised an amazing son.”

  “Thank you, honey. You make him happy, that’s all I want for him.”

  She smiles as she pulls away and stands. I see Callie coming over to hug me briefly, her sad eyes meeting mine.

  “Take care of him?”

  “Always.”

  They close the door behind them and I turn back to Gavin, running my hand up and down his forearm. The smooth skin beneath my fingertips starts to calm me.

  “Your mother is delightful, by the way.”

  I place Gavin’s hand onto the bed and sit beside him on the mattress, gazing down into his unguarded face. I caress his cheek with my hand, noticing the rough edge of stubble across his jaw and lean forward, grazing my mouth across his forehead, kissing him tenderly.

  “I never thought I would need this, but I do. Your touch, seeing the love in your eyes, getting to know your family. It’s all so overwhelming, but I want it. I want to be with you. Please, Gavin. Please don’t leave me.” I kiss his mouth softly, then lean back again, feeling empty without him.

  My breath hitches in my throat, and I sit back on the stool beside his bed, grasp his hand in both of mine and lay my head beside our adjoined hands. Before I know it, I drift.

  “Aria, baby wake up.” I feel a brush of his fingers against my bare lips, the slide of his fingertip between my parted folds, the softness of sheets hitched up on my bare thighs. I hum contentedly, wanting to go back to sleep but also wanting to wake up to my man pleasuring me so intimately.

  “What are you doing?”

  I feel Gavin’s hands clasp my knees and they are urged farther apart.

  “I’m touching you, Beautiful.” He dips a finger into the wetness of my core and I gasp at the fullness, the tightening in my muscles and then my gasp turns into a whimper when suddenly his finger is gone and I’m left bereft and overcome with need. My eyes fly open.

  “You can’t do that! What are you… ?”

  My voice dies when I see the amazing picture in front of me. Gavin, completely naked, kneeling between my thighs and that sweet and sexy smile is staring right back at me.

  “Hmm” is all I muster before I catapult myself into his arms, knocking him flat on his back and grasping his hips as I lower my mouth to his lower belly. I tease his length with squeezes around the base, kisses and bites all the way down his torso until my lips are at the apex of his thighs, just above where he’s aching for me.

  “Baby… ” His voice is strained with need and my eyes flick up to his. I lose my breath all over again when I see him looking down at me with eyes filled with hunger, his lower lip trapped between his teeth.

  “I’m touching you.” I tease, licking down his thick shaft, around the tip where I taste beads of moisture.

  A low rumble comes from Gavin as his hands lock into thick strands of my hair.

  “Fuck, that feels amazing. Aria, baby stop, you don’t have to do that.” I can hear the need in his voice but I also know that above all else, he considers me and my feelings in this moment. This is something we’ve never done. He would never push me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

  “Shh.” I trust him and I want to do this for him. I want to feel him lose himself in the pleasure I can give him. Gavin wraps a hand around my nape and tugs gently, wanting to pull me up, but I shake my head and wrap my mouth around his tip once more.

  “Ahh, baby!” I taste the moisture and a cathartic moan escapes me.

  I’m in a haze of pleasure and determination, hearing Gavin’s moans as I take him even deeper into my mouth and love him in this new, heady way.

  When his hands tighten in my hair, his fingers almost digging into my scalp, a sense of awareness settles into me. Even in the throes of passion, Gavin is never rough with me.

  “Loosen up, babe.” I whimper, attempting to pull back from him but his hands grab onto me even tighter. Panic ebbs its way into my stomach.

  “Come on, Princess. Don’t stop now.”

  His roughened voice and harsh grip on my head thrashes me into reality. Oh, God, no. No, no no no! I know that voice. Bryce. It’s not possible…

  “Let me go!”

  I come back into consciousness when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Panic, fear, pain, disgust—it’s all coursing through me and making my body shake. It was just a dream. Just another stupid dream. Breathe, Aria. Just breathe. In and out. Once I’ve calmed, my eyes drift open and I lift my head to see Dr. Lee standing by the foot of the bed. I wipe my eyes and try for a smile, not sure how long I’ve slept.

  “I thought you’d want these, his effects that we found on him when he came in.”

  He hands me a small plastic bag and I take it with shaking fingers. I can see his cell phone, keys, and brown threaded wallet through the clear bag in my hand. Is this all I have to hold onto? Everything he had on him when he was hit by the semi?

  “Has he woken up at all?” The doctor asks, taking Gavin’s chart out from the holder against the wall at his bedside.

  “No, I’ve been here all night.” I couldn’t leave him, God I’ll never leave his side again.

  “That’s normal in these circumstances, it shouldn’t be long though. I’ll be back in an hour or so to check his vitals,” Dr. Lee says, a hopeful look in his eyes that takes me back.

  That makes the heaviness in my chest lighten, knowing he should be conscious soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, he has to wake up. I need him to wake up so I can tell him how wrong I was, how much he means to me.

  I nod as the doctor leaves and I’m left alone again.

  Once Dr. Lee is gone from the room I turn back to Gavin and kiss his hand, laying my head back to the bed and gaze up into the face that I fell in love with only weeks ago. I’m surprised at how tired I still am. Only a few more hours, I tell myself and my eyes close once more.

  My sister wakes me some time later and she slips my favorite sweatshirt over my head. I try to smile as she hugs me tight, her arms wrapping around my waist and her hands smoothing down my back. I spot Lucas standing by the doorway intently looking at the two of us. I can see how tired they both are, but Kel’s love for me and Luke’s love for my sister brings them here at close to one AM.

  “Are you doing okay? I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.” I can hear that she’s worried for me. She has to be the most caring person I know.

  I give her a half smile to reassure her, not stopping myself from looking over at Gavin’s gorgeous face. He looks so peaceful, the fear in the pit of my stomach is still there and it hasn’t wavered since I got that call close to six hours ago.

  “As okay as I can possibly be right now. I just wish he’d wake up, Kel.”

  She takes my hand and squeezes tightly.

  “Don’t give up; I know how much he loves you. He’s crazy about you, Ari.”

  I know she’s right, it just feels so hopeless right now. He should have woken by now, hell—he should never have been in this hospital. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was headed to me, Gavin wouldn’t have been on the road so late at night.

  “What if he doesn’t wake up, Sis? I can’t—I can’t imagine being without him.”

  My sister wraps her hand around mine across Gavin’s bed and stares softly into my eyes.

  “Have faith, Ari. Just, have faith. He loves you and he’s here, that’s all that matters, okay?”

  I know she’s right. I know, God I know it could have been so much worse. Gavin is here now, I have to focus on that. I have to remember how much he loves me.

  Thankfully, over the next three hours, my wonderful sister keeps me busy talking about all the various details about the wedding. After a while, I can see her eyes getting heavy as she leans against Luke’s chest. I squeeze her hand and give her my best smile to reassure her I’m okay.

  “H
ey, go home. I promise I’ll keep you posted OK?”

  She hastily shakes her head and tries to hide a yawn. She’s so stubborn, so determined to be the rock in this family, even though she doesn’t have to be. She can rely on Luke now and she has so many people around her. I can already see her preparing for a fight.

  “No, I—” Kel argues, pushing away from Luke when he grasps her shoulders from behind her.

  I look up at him and plead with him with my eyes.

  “Go, Luke take her home please. I’ll text you when he wakes up.”

  She sighs and I know she’ll listen. I squeeze her hand and then she hugs me for long minutes and kisses my cheek. Luke kisses my forehead and gives me a soft smile. From the look he gives me, I know he wants to stay.

  “You good?” he asks, dipping his head to look me in the eye.

  I nod, turning back to my Gavin, my love.

  Once they’re gone, I pull my sweatshirt tight around me and lean my head against the bedside right next to our adjoined hands once more. And I drift.

  * * *

  “Beautiful.”

  A low voice wakes me, groggy and roughened from sleep and some other emotion. Immediately, I lift my head and my eyes dart to Gavin. His blue-gray eyes meet mine and tears build in my own. This time, their tears of such joy.

  “Oh! Gavin! Thank God.” I press my lips to his hand over and over again, reveling in the feel of his hand squeezing mine. Such joy and relief course through me. There’s such intensity in his eyes and hopelessness? But why? My heart yearns for him, this man that has become so precious to me. The feeling of relief now that he’s here, awake and well overwhelms me. He’s awake, he came back. I can’t get my mind around the suddenness of it all.

  “Aria, you’re here,” Gavin whispers, his hand coming up to my cheek to wipe away the tears falling down. My skin tingles and hums from the touch.

  “I came as soon as Callie called me, I couldn’t stay away. Gavin I’m so sorry…”

  He stops me with an index finger to my lips and his hand curls around mine, holding tight.