Oh, right, he was younger. That was the one thing I heard him complain about over and over in his long, drawn-out talks about basketball.
“Well, that’s something to be proud of,” she said, her lips tight.
I shifted from one foot to the other, squeezing his hand, trying to send him messages through mental telepathy.
Say something, I begged him with my eyes.
He cleared his throat.
“What’s for dinner?” he asked.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be a long night.
When Ryan had finally left, after one of the most awkward and painful dinners of my life, my mom helped me clean up in the kitchen. I had cooked most of it, something she’d been sure to mention a few times, but Ryan had just nodded, no compliments or pride.
“Ryan is…very different than what I expected,” my mom said, her hands submerged in the soapy water in the sink.
“Well, he is a junior,” I said lamely, knowing it was so much more than that.
“Have you heard back from any colleges?” she said, drying the dishes carefully. We’d used the nice plates that couldn’t be put into the dishwasher. It was a pain to wash them by hand, but they were really pretty. Also something Ryan hadn’t remarked on.
I was almost grateful for the change of subject, but unfortunately, I hadn’t heard back so it just made me feel worse.
“No, but it’s still early,” I said, my voice soft. “Maybe they’re just waiting to get my grades from this quarter.”
“And your grades will be better?” she said, her eyes narrowed.
Last semester hadn’t ended well, and I wanted her to know I was doing better.
“Yes, absolutely,” I said, smiling to show how positive I felt about everything. “I’m almost done with my history project with Jeremiah.”
Her forehead crinkled.
“I thought you were with Ryan?” she said.
“Yes, but I’m still friends with Jeremiah.”
Another raised eyebrow. Why did no one believe that I could be friends with him?
Oh, right, because we’d still ended up kissing.
“It’s fine. We’ll get a good grade, I promise.”
“And Ryan is okay with you working together?”
“Mom, are you seriously trying to talk to me about boys right now?” I threw up my soapy hands in frustration. “You’re off living your own life. Do you really care that much about mine?”
Her face fell, and I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. The words echoed so closely what my dad had said to her before he’d left, my face grew hot with shame.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, quickly occupying my attention by wiping a dish. “I’m just so stressed about school and Ryan being such a…a…” I searched desperately for the right word.
“Disappointment?” she suggested.
I nodded.
“He is definitely a different breed than Jeremiah was.”
She was preaching to the choir.
“Moving on after losing someone you cared about is hard,” she said slowly, her gaze drifting out the window. “The choices you’ll make at first won’t be the best ones. So you just have to learn and move on and try to make better ones.”
There was something in there that I wanted to ask more about. Her trip to Boulder. Her more frequent outings recently. The chicken marsala. There was clearly a new guy in her life, and it killed me to think she had moved on so quickly after Dad.
But, honestly, I had too much on my mind to worry about her troubles. I had enough to deal with on my own.
“Thanks for being nice to him,” I said and came around to give her a hug.
“Of course,” she said and wrapped me in her arms.
It was nice to have a hug from someone I knew actually cared about me.
Because all this dinner had shown me was that I wasn’t sure if Ryan cared about it. This wasn’t how you treated someone you liked; even a totally clueless guy would make an effort. And he seemed to be making the opposite effort. He couldn’t really be that clueless.
Could he?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Staci bombarded me with questions the second I got into her car the next day.
“So, how was dinner? Did he impress your mom?” she asked, eyes lit up.
“Uh, not exactly,” I said, shifting in my seat. “He showed up in sweats.”
“Well, he’s an athlete, what can you expect?”
“He didn’t bring anything for my mom.”
She made a face. “That’s such an old-fashioned rule.”
“No, it’s polite, Staci. And he didn’t even ask how my head was.”
I turned to see her roll her eyes, but then she glanced at me and flushed.
“Sorry if I’m boring you,” I said, not in the mood to fight about this. I was exhausted from the weekend, my head still kind of hurt, especially the spot where it had hit the floor, I’d had to use a ton of makeup to cover up the bruising on my cheek, and to top it off, I’d gotten some very confusing texts the night before. One from my dad and one from Jeremiah.
“It’s just, you can’t keep comparing him to Jeremiah,” she said, her eyes maybe a little too glued to the road.
“You’re not going to slap me again, are you?”
She flushed again. I hadn’t meant to sound so irritated, but I kind of needed her support on this.
“Of course not, but you have to admit that by now, Jeremiah should be out of your—”
“Jeremiah still loves me!” I blurted out, overcome by the need to tell her.
Her head whipped around to look at me. Thankfully we were at a red light.
“He said that?” She narrowed her eyes.
“Well, not exactly…” I squirmed in my seat.
“What are you not telling me?” A horn honked, and she looked up at the light that had turned to green. “No, wait until we’re parked. I have a feeling this will make me angry.”
I worried my bottom lip all the way to the school parking lot. There was no way she could still promote Ryan if she knew how Jeremiah really felt about me. The only reason she’d pushed me so hard (both literally and figuratively) toward Ryan had been how Jeremiah acted toward me. But this had to change things, right?
“Spill,” she said the second she was in a spot.
“There may have been…a kiss.” I looked down at my hands so I couldn’t see her face. But I heard her sharp intake of breath.
“When was this?”
“Last week. The day I was being such a witch in cheerleading practice.”
“That’s every day, so you’ll have to be more specific.”
Yikes, she was really mad.
“The day after he changed my tire. He told me that morning we weren’t going to meet anymore for the history project, that Linzie was mad about the tire. So I was upset.”
I peeked up. Staci’s lips were pressed together in a thin line.
“He came to find me after practice; apparently Linzie was complaining how awful I was being.”
“So, he kissed you to make you be nicer to her?”
“No. It wasn’t like that!” I sighed and put my head in my hands. “He said he couldn’t explain why he was with her but he still cared about me more than anything.”
Staci’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head.
“Of course he said that,” she cried, throwing her hands in the air. “He’s obviously jealous that you’re with Ryan. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, the jerk.”
I almost laughed when I remembered I’d said the same thing to him right before the kiss that had changed everything.
“What if he was telling the truth?” I said, seeking desperately for something to excuse him. “Maybe she has some dirt on him and is forcing him to go out with her.”
Staci raised an eyebrow. “And forcing him to make out with her every day?”
My heart sank. It did seem a little ridiculous, now that I said it o
ut loud. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes, threatening to fall. I’d spent the night tossing and turning, thinking of all the ways Jeremiah proved he still cared while Ryan clearly didn’t. I needed Staci to see this, to understand it. If someone else could see it, that would make it true. And I so desperately wanted it to be true.
“I know it’s hard to think he just doesn’t like you anymore,” she said, putting her arm around my shoulder.
“But he said—”
“Whatever he had to in order to get you to kiss him,” she said softly. Her anger abated, she was now on damage control.
The tears were streaming out of my eyes, and my breath came out in choking sobs.
How many times would I cry over this boy?
“Of course he still wants you, Sammi, you’re the hottest girl in school,” she said, pulling me into her arms across the armrests and patting my back. “But as much as it sucks to think you’re not right for each other, that’s just the way it is. You can want someone without really liking them. Guys are all idiots.”
“He sent me a text, too, last night.” I sniffed. I hadn’t wanted to tell her that. Somehow it felt more private than the kiss. “It was way sweeter than what Ryan said.”
I hadn’t replied to him, not knowing how to interpret his I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you more at the game. I really hope you’re doing okay. I was so scared when I saw you fall.
He was scared for me. This was the proof he still cared about me, wasn’t it?
But then I’d thought of how worried Linzie had been, too, and realized maybe it had just looked so bad, even those who hated me would have been concerned. I had gone back and forth, debating whether to answer him or not. I’d needed the advice of my best friend, who, by the look on her face about the kiss I’d just admitted to, didn’t seem to be in the mood to help me draft a text to him right now.
All Staci did in response to this news, however, was let out what sounded like a low growl. I pulled out of the hug and took in her deep frown, knowing she was reaching her limit with me.
“Did you answer him?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“Good.”
“And I don’t plan on talking to him again,” I said, hoping that would put her mind at ease and we could move past it. “I mean, outside of our project and everything, obviously.”
She nodded, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed her in my life right now.
I felt so alone. Everyone had left me: Linzie, Jeremiah, my dad. My mom was even more unavailable than usual. My siblings were busy with their grownup lives. All I had was Staci. And I kept pissing her off, so it was only a matter of time before she left too.
You still have Ryan, said a little voice in my head. I held back a grimace. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to seeing him today after the disaster of the previous night.
“Ready?” said Staci as she checked her makeup in the visor.
I did the same and brushed away some of my mascara that had run. I hadn’t planned on bawling on the way to school, so I hadn’t worn my extra super waterproof one that I did on game days. Other than that, however, I looked fine. Better than fine.
“Say your mantra,” Staci said, her eyes bright.
“I am Samantha Parsons, head cheerleader and total alpha female.”
Staci grinned.
“Jeremiah Keller is nothing to me,” I went on.
She nodded, a smile playing on her lips that I couldn’t help but return.
“No guy drama is going to derail my last semester of high school.”
“Heck yeah,” she cried and pushed open her door.
I wish I’d known when we walked into school just how wrong the day would prove me on all three counts.
Chapter Twenty-Three
When Coach pulled me out of my study period, I was in too good a mood to be worried. I had avoided Jeremiah’s gaze all through first period and had snagged Ryan for a very public kiss in front of most of the basketball team and cheerleading squad. Veronica may have even been in the vicinity. I was firmly back on Team Ryan, at least as far as anyone else was concerned. My heart would catch up eventually.
Since we weren’t working on the project anymore, Jeremiah wasn’t in study hall. It was a relief, really, all things considered. I just didn’t have it in me to ignore him or be mean to him. I was all set for a distraction-free study session, but Coach insisted it couldn’t wait.
However, her expression was so serious when I sat down to face her, my stomach dropped.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, the tremble in my voice audible.
She frowned. “After you left Saturday, I followed up with your emergency contact to make sure you’d gotten home safely.”
“You didn’t have to do that, that’s why I texted you.”
“It’s protocol, Sammi. I have to inform parents when an injury occurs.” She raised an eyebrow.
I flushed. Of course.
“I spoke with your father, and he, ah, mentioned the recent change in the situation at home.”
I squirmed in my seat. The posters on the wall for stretches and cheers were interspersed with lists of verb conjugations and maps of Spain. Coach was also one of the Spanish teachers. I was pretty sure the only reason I had passed the required semester of a foreign language was because of her. She hadn’t been my teacher, I’d had Señora Ferrera, who, rumor had it (as in, Veronica told anyone who would listen), was still so broken up about her own teenage love story from ages ago that she graded popular girls super hard. But Coach had spent extra time with me after practice freshman year to be sure I understood enough for the exams. She really cared about us, and I felt guilty that she was looking so sad to hear I hadn’t confided in her about this.
But I hadn’t wanted anyone to know.
“I didn’t think it was important.”
“Everything is important to me if it affects you,” she said. Her frown was still in place, but her eyes were soft.
I didn’t want anyone to look at me that way. I’d been hiding this from everyone for a reason.
“Well, it hasn’t really been affecting me,” I said with a shrug.
She raised an eyebrow.
“So, all this recent nastiness has been the result of…?” She tilted her head and folded her hands, which would have seemed cheeky on a teammate but on her just looked politely curious.
I swallowed. I didn’t know how much she noticed, but apparently more than I’d realized.
“Does it really matter? The season is over now.” The basketball team had played and lost their last game that weekend, and the cheerleading squad wasn’t going to any competitions.
“It matters to me when I see girls being mean to each other.”
My face heated. “I’m not the mean one, it’s all Linzie—” I stopped myself, bringing a hand to my mouth.
Coach leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.
“What exactly did Linzie do?” Her dark eyes were serious.
I rushed to explain so she didn’t tell my parents that I was being bullied.
“Nothing. Just took my boyfriend. Whatever. I guess he didn’t really like me that much.” I shrugged, willing myself to think of anything but the kiss, of the words he’d said, of the text message burning a hole in my bag. Was Staci right about him? He hadn’t mentioned being jealous of Ryan, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t. I remembered how Linzie had strung Anderson along for weeks, never fully letting him go until she was ready to, always making sure he was still an option. Was that what Jeremiah was doing with me?
“You and Linzie were close. I’m sorry that something came between you, especially now that you might need support from your friends.”
My heart skipped a beat, but I knew she was referring to my dad leaving, not about my trouble in history class. But I still couldn’t admit that my parents splitting up was a big deal. Not yet. Though, if there was any adult I could talk to, it was probably her.
“I have Staci,” I said, my
stomach churning. For how much longer, I didn’t know. “And it’s not like I’m sitting home on Saturday nights. I’m with Ryan Nelson now.”
“Hmm” was all she said.
We sat there a few more moments, her eyes boring into me, as if trying to read my soul. I had enough of that from Staci and her New Age nonsense.
“Um, can I go back to class now?” I asked.
Coach nodded, and I hurried to leave.
“I’m always here if you need me,” she said softly as I pushed open the door.
As much as I wanted to believe her, I didn’t think it could really be true.
“What did Coach want to talk to you about?” asked Staci later in the lunch line.
“Boys. She noticed the tension on the squad the past few weeks.”
“Ugh, can’t she stay out of our personal lives? She already rules our diet.” Staci looked longingly at the chocolate pudding as she picked up an apple. The season may have been over, but Staci was headed to Boulder U and planned on cheering for them, so she was in Coach’s spring workshop to stay in shape. “What did you tell her?”
“That Linzie stole my boyfriend. But it’s okay because I have you.”
Staci beamed at this.
“Yeah, you do,” she said. “And did you tell her your ex-boyfriend is a big lying jerk face?”
I sighed. “It will take me some time to get over these feelings, you know. Even with Ryan.”
She opened her mouth to say more, but I interrupted her.
“Speaking of Ryan.” I glanced around. I hadn’t seen him since the kiss this morning. He usually ate lunch with a few of us from the athletic crowd, but he was nowhere to be found in the cafeteria. “Any idea where he may be?”
Staci shrugged. “You don’t have to worry about him. That kid is gaga for you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Are we talking about the same guy?”
“What? He’s shy. He doesn’t show his feelings that much, that’s all.”
“You seem to know him pretty well.”
There wasn’t even the slightest tinge of jealousy when I said it, which was just yet another strike against him. Either I didn’t care that much or I was confident that she was right and I had nothing to worry about.
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