That I most definitely didn’t care about because I was mad at him.
“Look, I know I’m not what you want in a boyfriend,” Ryan said, shoving his hands in his pockets.
I held back an eye roll. That was for sure.
“But this is who I am. You either take it or leave it.”
I bristled. Where was this sudden confidence coming from? He’d never shown any indication of wanting to do things a certain way, other than ignoring my suggestions. Or had I just expected him to listen and do what I told him because he was younger?
“So, what are you saying?” I drew out the question, my eyes locked on his face.
The shift in his frown was subtle, but there it was: he wanted to break up with me, but he was struggling with the words. Hoping I would do it first.
Every part of my brain and heart were fighting.
Awesome! said my heart. Set this poor boy free. Go after Jeremiah.
Awful! said my brain. Right before Valentine’s Day.
Everyone would know when I showed up without a bouquet. They wouldn’t even need Veronica’s help to write the headline: Sammi Parsons, Queen of the School, gets dumped for second time this year. It would be the cherry on top of this crap sundae that was my life right now.
“Why don’t we wait until after Valentine’s Day to have this talk?” I grasped desperately at something, anything, to get him to stay. “Why don’t we hang out tonight, watch that basketball movie you like so much? You can get me whatever flowers you want, I’m sure I’ll love them.”
He was shaking his head as soon as the words started coming out of my mouth. My hands were trembling, but I clung to the books in my hands, willing myself to stay calm.
“There’s someone else who thinks I’m great just the way I am,” he said, looking down at his feet. “I’d rather give her flowers.”
“Wait, what?” Someone else? This was not happening. Not two days before Valentine’s Day.
“I don’t know what you were doing with Jeremiah, and I don’t really care. But I can’t just keep making out with you when I don’t feel anything for you.”
That stung. I mean, I figured he hadn’t been in love with me or anything, but really? He felt nothing?
“Did you ever like me?” I asked before I thought better of it.
He chewed on his lower lip, and my stomach rose into my throat.
Guess I had my answer, but I needed to hear it. “Why did you even go out with me then?”
He shrugged. “You’re the hottest girl in school, and you wanted me. I knew it was probably just some way to get back at Jeremiah, but all the guys on the team told me to go for it, even him. So I did.”
With that, he laid his hands on my shoulders, looked right into my eyes, and said the same words his teammate had uttered barely two months ago.
“I’m sorry, Sammi. I just can’t be with you anymore.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
All the guys on the team.
Even Jeremiah.
As Ryan walked away, I blinked back a tear, realizing I was just as stupid as Staci probably thought I was. This hadn’t been a way to get back at Jeremiah, the way Ryan thought it was, but a way to get over him. Which, apparently, he wanted, too, despite all the signs to the contrary.
Staci had been right; everything Jeremiah had said to me was a lie. He wanted to keep stringing me along, just in case things turned south with Linzie, who he’d chosen over me. Period.
It didn’t matter why. It didn’t matter if he still cared about me. He’d betrayed me over and over, and I’d let him because…because I was stupid. Stupid in love with a boy who’d never love me back the way I needed.
I tried to cheer myself up. At least no one had seen this happen, I thought, running out of the building to my car. I didn’t even bother to check if anyone was lurking in the parking lot to see me burst into tears.
I’d started the day with my mantra. It was laughable how very wrong every single part of it was now.
I am Samantha Parsons, head cheerleader and total alpha female.
More like total loser with no friends left. Cheerleading was over, I still hadn’t heard back from colleges, and after what everyone had seen in the hallway today, I doubted anyone would even move out of my way even if I shoved them.
Jeremiah Keller is nothing to me.
I missed him with every fiber of my being. Even furious at him for losing the project, even if he was a liar, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him.
No boy drama is going to derail my last semester of high school.
Too late for that.
I can have any guy I want at this school.
With Valentine’s Day so near, everyone had been snatched up. I could try stealing someone, but what would the point be? To have him dump me just like Ryan had for someone who actually liked him?
I burned at the thought. Who on earth was he talking about? I alternated between wanting to destroy her, and worrying she was somehow better than me. I’d been so focused on making him the perfect boyfriend that I hadn’t even tried to be a good girlfriend.
I decided to stop on the way home for a milkshake and chicken nuggets, my favorite treat and most definitely not on the Coach-approved food list. I wasn’t planning on cheering anywhere, so did I really have to pay attention anymore? At least it wasn’t someone from Rosemark working the drive-through, so only some random old guy was witness to my streaky mascara and trembling, parched lips. He gave me extra sauce, so I must have looked worse than I realized.
My mom wasn’t in when I got home, but I ran up to my room to eat anyway. I didn’t want to see her, or anyone. I ate in sobbing bites and sips in between wiping tears off my face, watching all the same movies I had when Jeremiah had broken up with me, but none of them made me feel any better. In December, Staci had been there watching with me.
Alone for the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do.
The next day when I was getting ready for school, I burst into tears in the kitchen. My mom rushed over in a panic.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” She held me close, and I breathed her in. The familiar smell should have helped, but somehow it made things worse. I didn’t want to be crying in her arms. I wanted my dad. But I couldn’t tell her that.
“I don’t feel well,” I said. It wasn’t a total lie. I felt awful, but it was more emotional than physical. “I slept pretty badly last night.”
That was definitely the truth, though it was my own fault. I’d spent hours scrolling through people’s feeds, seeing if there was any news about Ryan and me. Who would even know, other than the two of us? I didn’t have Staci anymore, and I doubted Ryan would have bragged to the team about dumping me.
But his other girl would be thrilled. She probably couldn’t wait to start posting pictures of them together. I didn’t see any, but I’d stayed up so late, waiting for a hint of anything, that I’d fallen asleep with my makeup still on.
So on top of being exhausted, my skin was a wreck.
“Do you need me to call the school?” my mom asked, taking in my ashen complexion with a frown.
I nodded, grateful that she had been the one to ask, not me. It felt less like a cop-out if she was the one to suggest it. My chest filled with warmth in gratitude.
“I can work from home today,” she said, pulling out of the hug to give me a smile. The one I gave back wasn’t as enthusiastic, as the warmth seeped from me.
My dad would have taken the day off, gone to the store to get medicine, fluffed pillows, ordered in food…
“I’ll be in my room,” I said miserably, heading out of the kitchen.
“I’ll bring you some tea in a bit,” she called, her phone in her hand.
It was three hours later that she finally came up to my room, and I’d like to say that I was surprised she forgot about me, but I wasn’t.
Everyone who knew how to make things better had left me. This was all on me to figure out.
I considered taking another sick day on the fou
rteenth but knew that would be even worse. I had spent the previous day thinking about it, and there was only one way to do this: go in, hold my head high, and deal with the consequences.
Alone.
Without news from Staci, I had no idea what awaited me. What stories had started to spread? Who was spreading them? I regretted now taking the day off. I spent extra time on my makeup and hair that morning, very aware that all eyes would be on me. I made it through the drive to school and all the way to my locker before the tears started to appear.
No, I am Samantha Parsons, queen of this school. I am an alpha female.
I don’t need a bouquet.
But all it took was catching a glimpse of the very first one and it was like my heart had been crushed under a bus.
Everywhere I looked, there they were. Dozens of red roses, a single expensive pink orchid, dahlias in bright blues and tiger lilies in flashy oranges that took my breath away.
And I was walking through the hallways with nothing in my arms but my books.
The one tiny thing keeping me together was that, for the moment, in the rush before school started, most people were more concerned with looking at the flowers than noticing who didn’t have any. I knew that would change pretty quickly once the voting got started, so I hurried off to class early to avoid being seen in the hallways too much.
I slid into a chair at an empty desk near the front, the classroom mostly empty.
“Ah, Ms. Parsons,” said Mr. Carter.
Ugh, I did not need this today.
“I’m looking forward to watching your video,” he said, smiling at me from his desk in the corner. “Mr. Keller told me all about it. And he says your study sessions have been going well.”
My stomach lurched. So Jeremiah hadn’t told him about the video issue. Or the fact we’d entirely stopped our study sessions. I sank down into my seat, hot shame seeping through me as I gave him a wide smile. Perfect. Jeremiah had totally screwed me. This would make it so much worse next week when there was no presentation. I’d fail my AP test, and this class, and all hopes of ever leaving this town and going to college would be ruined.
It was a lot to take in before first period had even started.
My phone buzzed, and I looked at it quickly before Mr. Carter could notice. His no-phone policy was one of the strictest.
Hope you’re feeling better! texted Shannon.
I smiled, thinking I had a few friends left. At least someone had noticed I’d been out sick yesterday.
But then she sent another.
Sorry to hear about what happened. It was rough when my parents split up too. Let me know if you want to talk later!
The color drained from my face. My phone buzzed again, and there was another message, from Penny.
Hope everything is okay at home! She included a ridiculous amount of heart emojis.
I didn’t know what to do. I looked around the room at the pitying faces of everyone. Was is just because of my lack of bouquet, or had everyone heard by now?
I tried to sort all this out, my heart beating fast but I managed to keep my normal peppy expression. Who had told everyone? Shannon and Penny hadn’t just figured it out at the same time.
Just then, Jeremiah strode in the door, and I narrowed my eyes, my face heating.
“What did you do?” I hissed at him when he passed by me to get to his seat in the back.
He looked down, his mouth open in surprise that I’d spoken to him.
“I told you I’d talk to Mr. Carter but I haven’t had a chance yet and—”
“Not the project. Why did you tell everyone about my parents?”
Tears pricked at my eyes. I’d been stupid to tell him about it, when I’d kept it from everyone else.
“I didn’t!” he said, and while I wanted so desperately to believe his wide, puppy-dog eyes, it cut me to the core to know I couldn’t trust him anymore.
“Well, only like, three people knew about it, and you’re one of them.”
More people filed in and gave us strange looks as they took their seats.
“It must have been Linzie,” he said, his eyebrows drawing together. “But I never told her. She—she knows a lot of stuff somehow.”
He flushed, and again I was reminded of the so-called secret reason he had to be with her. How many lies would he tell me before he actually started to feel bad about it?
“She knows stuff?” I rolled my eyes, heat radiating off of me. I’d never been this mad, ever.
“Sam, I know you’re upset, but it’s not that big a deal. Lots of people have divorced parents. Mackey’s parents split up too, last semester, no one cares.”
The eyes of everyone in the front of the room turned to me, and I almost slapped him.
“It’s a big deal to me, but you’ve shown again and again how whatever is important to me doesn’t matter to you,” I said. I was standing by now, my face frustratingly a good six inches below his, making this much less intimidating than I’d have preferred. He cowered anyway, and my rage ticked up another notch. “The project was a big deal too. Why do you keep ruining my life, Jeremiah?”
“I’m not! You need to believe me, all I want is to help—”
“You’ve got a weird way of helping.”
“Let’s take our seats,” called Mr. Carter with a glare at Jeremiah and me, staring each other down as if the world depended on us fighting this out in public.
I took a deep, trembling breath and sat down, willing my pulse to slow to a semi-regular pace. I so did not want to be here anymore. Coming in today had been a mistake. Only the thoughts of spending a year alone while my friends went away to college kept me in my seat instead of bursting out of the class to hide in the library.
Then I remembered I didn’t have any friends left and let a single tear fall that I quickly brushed away.
Alpha female indeed.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Rather than give the school yet another Sammi Parsons meltdown to talk about (four in a week was a little extreme, to be honest), I spent the morning with my head held high while my heart was breaking. I reminded myself that I wasn’t totally friendless, but there was no one who I felt like talking to.
The pity texts were coming in fast and strong, and I felt like screaming at everyone to just leave me alone. They all had a story about either their parents, or their cousin’s parents, or their friend’s parents…But I didn’t care about any of them. They weren’t my parents, and no one seemed to actually want to listen to what had happened to me. They were all just listening to whatever Linzie had told them.
Shannon and Penny waved at me in the hall, but their eyes were so full of pity I could barely stand to wave back, a bright smile on my face that tried to say “I’m totally fine, don’t worry about me.”
But I wanted someone to worry about me. And no one seemed to.
I passed Staci a few times in the hall, and she avoided my eyes. She carried a single red rose, and despite everything, I wanted to rush over and ask her who it was from. She blushed so much whenever she looked at it, however, my stomach twisted, sick with jealousy. I had been planning on making some sort of attempt to reconnect at lunch, but I decided to skip the cafeteria to go catch up on some homework in the library.
I was the head cheerleader sitting in the library during lunch on Valentine’s Day, while everyone felt sorry for me.
What had happened to my life?
I was mostly alone in the library, which should have been a relief but somehow made it worse. Everyone was paired off, if even for just a day, and the scent of flowers permeated the stacks like someone had sprayed perfume. Or maybe it was perfume, still lingering from someone’s covert, between-classes make-out session.
As I was getting my books for my afternoon classes, Linzie strolled by in front of my locker, waving her giant bouquet in my face. Something inside me broke at the sight.
“I bet you’ll win,” Christina said as they walked by. “It’s gorgeous.”
She
looked so happy, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“Oh, how pretty,” I said, turning to her with a wide grin.
She froze in pure shock, her eyes wide. Christina had her nose turned up as if something smelled gross.
I resisted the urge to make a comment about her breath.
I stepped forward and grabbed Linzie’s bouquet roughly, and bent my head, as if to sniff it. I peered up at her through lowered lids and growled, “These should have been mine.”
She turned a dark purple, her lips pursed into a dangerous frown. She tried to pull it back, but I held on tight. I knew I was being petty, and ridiculous, and possibly slightly insane.
“Get over yourself, Sammi,” Christina hissed, coming to block us from everyone passing in the hall.
A few curious eyes were flitting over us, trying to get their daily dose of cheerleading drama. As if my fight in the hall with Staci two days ago hadn’t been enough for them.
As Christina put her hands on her hips, I had a sudden flash of Linzie’s sixteenth birthday party. The entire squad had spent hours learning the choreography to Thriller, as a surprise for Linzie. It was her favorite song. I wondered if Jeremiah knew that. He hadn’t been there that night, it had been mostly girls. It was the last party before everyone started pairing off, and parties became less about dancing and more about how much we could get away with.
Maybe Linzie didn’t even remember it. Maybe it hadn’t even been that important to her. Maybe I’d never been that important to her.
This time, with a stronger jerk of her wrist, she ripped the flowers from my hand.
“You’re pathetic, Sammi,” she snarled, her eyes flashing. “You just take whatever you want, you don’t even care about people’s feelings.”
“No one cares about mine,” I whined. “Thanks to you and your big mouth.”
“All I did for three years was worry about you,” she said, her voice raspy and angry like the buzzing of hornets. “Whatever Sammi wanted, Sammi got. The perfect big house, the perfect boyfriend. Head cheerleader. It’s all so easy for you, isn’t it?”
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