by Claire Adams
“About Kadie or about you not telling me?”
Carl shrugged. “Either? Both?”
I chuckled. “What’s the point of being pissed about it? The important thing is I know now, and I can start making up for lost time. Y’all had to keep the secret from me because y’all didn’t understand the situation, but that was then, and this is now.”
He shook his head. “Damn, bro. You’re way more relaxed than I thought you’d be.”
“Why? What did you think was gonna to happen?”
“I thought you were gonna punch my lights out when you found out.” He knelt down to pick up his hammer and nails again. “I was gonna let you. I figured I had it coming for keeping that sort of thing from you. Man, my stomach’s been killing me over this.”
“Don’t worry about it. You gave me a place to work and a place to stay. It’d be mighty ungrateful of me to punch you.” I shot him a grin.
Carl grinned back.
This is what I needed and wanted. No secrets, just friendship. I knew I could never go back to what we all had in high school, but it wasn’t like Carl, Joe, Perri, and Aspyn were strangers either.
“I better go check on the horses,” I said. I waved to Carl, and he waved back.
Heading back, I whistled. Even though I’d had the nightmare, everything else seemed perfect. Maybe I wasn’t together with Aspyn again yet, but at least she knew the truth, and she was going to let me see my daughter.
Hope. That’s what I was feeling. Honest-to-God, actual hope. Not just you’re “kind of, sort of” hope. It’d been so long since I’d actually felt it, it was almost hard to recognize.
I knew one thing now for certain. Coming back to Livingston hadn’t been a mistake.
* * *
After I’d finished up for the day, Carl tracked me down and pulled me over to his porch for a beer. He’d been so busy avoiding me that we’d not really sat down and relaxed much. Now that he didn’t have to keep a secret from me, he was like a whole different man.
That was wrong. Actually, he was the same man, just the one from before, the good-natured and happy man who I’d envied. It sickened me a little that my crap had messed with him and forced him into worrying so much. It was yet another thing I’d have to make up for, but at least this time, I thought I had some chance at doing that.
I popped open my can of Budweiser and took a sip. Nothing like a little beer after a long day of hard work outdoors.
Carl plopped down on a wooden chair on his porch. I sat in the one opposite him. Just like old times.
“So what’re you gonna do now, bro?” he asked.
“Huh? About what? I got everything done today I needed. You have something else you wanted me to do?”
Carl took a drink of his beer and shook his head. “Not with the ranch. With Aspyn.” He gestured with his can. “Now that all the crap’s out in the open, everything’s different.” He stared at me. “I wasn’t sure before. Figured you would relax and then run, but you can’t be planning to leave now. Not with everything you know.”
I locked gazes with him. I’d not thought about it all that much. Carl was right. My original plan was to come back, relax for a while, and then maybe leave.
Kadie made that difficult, if not impossible. Even if I could never get Aspyn back, I did have a responsibility to my daughter. The last thing I should have been thinking about was leaving.
“Nothing left for me in Texas,” I said. “Not like I had a girlfriend there or even many friends. No reason for me to leave Livingston, and at least a couple of good reasons for me to stay.”
“Hot damn, bro,” Carl said. “So glad to hear you say that. And what about you and Aspyn, though?”
I shook my head. “She told me we’re not a couple.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Not yet.”
I shrugged. “Maybe never. I know how it can be hard to let go of your past. It doesn’t matter. Not saying I still have feelings, but I’m letting her make the call on a lot of this crap.”
Carl downed some more beer. “You know how many times Perri’s pushed me away just to take me back?”
“So now you’re saying I’m a bitch like you?”
He grinned. “Just saying where’s there a chance, there’s hope, right?”
I gulped down some more beer. “Yeah. I do know one important thing, though.”
“What?”
I pointed to the cabin in the distance. “No matter what happens with Aspyn, I’m gonna be there for my daughter, and that means sometimes I’m gonna need to watch her.”
“Yeah, makes sense. What about it?”
“I can’t have her in a small place like that. I’m gonna need a bigger place.” I finished off my beer and put the can on the ground.
Carl snorted. “Big deal. Just buy a place, then. You know you’re going to stay, so no reason not to.”
A grin spread across my face. “My dad’s old place. I drove by it the other day to check on it. You were right. It’s still for sale.”
“There you go, bro. There you go.”
Carl’s smile disappeared, and a worried look appeared on his face. He turned away. “I’ve got something else I wanted to ask you.”
“What?”
“It’s just, with you being here, it’s shown me I can keep this place going,” Carl said. He lowered his can to the ground. “And it can even do better with a little more space and animals.”
“Yeah, I guess. What about it?”
“Need more land for the cows and horses to graze,” Carl said. He pointed to the far distance. “The McMillians are selling their land. It’s right next to mine. I just don’t have all the capital I need.” He looked back over at me. “You could be my partner. I didn’t want to ask you before because I didn’t think you were staying.”
“Your partner?”
“Yeah, we’d need to hire a few more people,” Carl said, “but if I knew we were going to have good cattle sales at the end, it wouldn’t be a big deal. You’d help me out, and you could work a good, solid job supporting a good, solid business.” He leaned back and slapped his hand against the wall of his house. “Hell, bro. Your daughter would have an inheritance like I did.”
I stared out into the distance toward the horizon. The sun had started to set, painting the sky orange-red. Everything Carl had said felt right. More than that. It felt true.
What did I have to go back to? What reason did I have to stay? Everything seemed obvious, and that tightened my stomach. I still might not be able to get Aspyn back. I didn’t know how I’d feel if that was the case.
“I’ll think it over, Carl,” I said. “It’s a lot to think over.”
He smiled. “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”
Chapter 17
Aspyn
Now that the truth was out in the open, the rest of the week passed in a flash. Since I wasn’t worried about avoiding Alex, I wasn’t so stressed out. I could concentrate on work, and, most importantly, Kadie.
While the old high school gang wasn’t exactly all hanging out together yet, no one had to lie or hide either. I didn’t know if I felt good about the whole thing as much as relieved. From what Perri had told me, Carl was in a much better mood, at least.
I still felt a bit sick to my stomach over forcing him to hide the truth from Alex. I’d have to buy his beers at the Mustang for a while as a way of making it up to him. Maybe even for the rest of the year.
By Friday, I was ready to take the next step. I’d called Alex that morning to ask him to stop by my mama’s to talk with Kadie again. We’d not really talked much about how we might introduce him as her father, but I figured it wasn’t like a 2-year-old was going to ask too many hard questions.
There was no rush as far as that went. I mostly wanted her to get used to having him around. The only man up until then she was regularly seeing was Carl.
Standing outside in Mama’s backyard, I watched Kadie play with some blocks on a blanket in the sh
ade. A few other kids ran back and forth playing tag.
“Mama!” Kadie yelled. “Mama, look!” She’d stacked a tower of blocks almost as high as her.
“That’s great, sweetie,” I said, clapping.
My mama glanced at her watch and then leaned in toward me. “He’ll be here soon,” she murmured. “You sure this is a good idea?”
“No, but doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do it. We’ve both waited too long for this. The sooner she gets to know him, the better.”
“Just know I’ll support you in whatever you decide.”
“Thank you, Mama.” My phone buzzed. I pulled it out and looked at the text message. I took a deep breath. “Alex is here.”
“Go greet him, honey,” Mama nodded to me then glanced over at Kadie.
I made my way to the front door, my heart pounding. I wasn’t even sure why I was so scared. It wasn’t like he hadn’t already seen Kadie, and he knew the truth. Nothing was really going to change that day.
Maybe I was more worried about what the little playdate meant in the long run. Not a change that day but a change in the future. It was like it was going to make the whole thing real.
I opened the front door, and Alex was standing there wearing a lopsided smile on his face. He was a bit dusty from working at the ranch, but I didn’t mind, especially since his sleeves were rolled up, and he was showing off those muscular arms of his.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
We stared at each other in awkward silence.
“Come on, Daddy,” I said.
He blinked, and I winced. It’d been meant playfully.
Alex smiled widely. “I think I like the sound of that.”
There was no reason he shouldn’t. Kadie was his daughter, but my joke had made me uncomfortable. I was still coming to terms with all of this more than I had realized. I didn’t say anything else as I turned and headed into my mama’s house.
Alex followed, and we made our way to the backyard. After we stepped outside, he just stood there, watching Kadie, a wide smile on his face like she was the most interesting person he’d ever seen in his life.
It took me a minute to think of what to say.
“She’s very healthy,” I said. “No problems. Been hitting all her milestones according to her pediatrician. Good weight and height.”
I groaned inwardly. It was like I was describing a racehorse and not a man’s daughter.
“She likes playing with blocks?” Alex said.
“Yes. Dolls, blocks, music. Happy little girl. Sweet thing.”
Mama watched us, a concerned look on her face.
Alex didn’t head toward Kadie at all, surprising me. It was then I realized his hands were clenched together tightly. Guess I wasn’t the only one nervous.
“Just go say hi,” I said. I shrugged a single shoulder. “Just say you’re a friend for now. We’ll figure out everything else later.”
He nodded and walked over to the blanket. The was something funny about the big, muscular man with his earrings and tattoos standing over a little girl stacking blocks.
Kadie looked up, tilting her head, a curious look on her face. “Who are you, mister?”
“Um, a friend of your mom’s.”
“Mama’s friend?” She looked over at me, and I nodded. “What’s your name?”
“Alex.”
“My name is Kadence, but Mama calls me Kadie.”
Alex smiled softly. “That’s nice.” He squatted. He still wasn’t at eye level, but at least he wasn’t towering over her now.
She tilted her head the other way and pointed at his arm. “I like your arm pictures.”
He chuckled and held up one arm and then another. “My tattoos? Yeah, they’re pretty nice.”
“Mama,” she called to me. “I want some arm pictures.”
I laughed. “When you’re older, sweetie.”
Kadie stuck out her bottom lip. Everyone laughed.
She pointed at her blocks. “Help me, please. I want it tall.”
Alex grinned. “Sure, I’ll help you.”
They started stacking blocks together. I teared up at the sight. It wasn’t anything special, just a little girl playing with blocks and her daddy helping her, but it did make me realize the kind of thing she’d been missing out on. I looked the other way and wiped my eyes, taking a few deep breaths.
After a few minutes of building block towers, Alex rose and waved to Kadie. She waved back as he walked to me.
He nodded toward the door. “We should talk.”
I glanced over at my mama, and she nodded.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” she said. “She’s doing fine. Take your time.”
Alex opened the door and gestured for me to enter.
Once we were both inside, I stood against the wall, watching him.
He didn’t say anything for a long while. Instead, he stood staring out the back window. I wondered what he was thinking and if he found Kadie annoying or something. The thought pricked my heart.
“Thanks,” Alex finally said. “Thanks for letting me do this.” He shook his head. “I know how hard this all is.”
“You’re welcome,” I said softly. “So what do you think?”
“She’s cute and smart.” He gave me an abashed grin. “At least I think so. Not like I was hanging around with a lot of kids at my own job.”
We both shared a quiet laugh.
“Well, I guess the next question is how often do you want to see her?” I said.
Alex watched Kadie get up and run after another kid before responding. “All the time?”
I shook my head. “I—”
“I know,” he said, shrugging. “Can’t really make up for lost time. Y’all stayed behind here, and I left. I just want my chance.”
“We’ll work something out,” I said. “Now that you’re here and know, I don’t want it to be a problem.” I peered at him. “You’re planning to stay, right? If you aren’t, then you can see her, but I don’t want to get her little heart all set on someone who isn’t going to stick around.”
Alex frowned. Maybe it was unfair for me to say it, but he didn’t exactly have the best track record for sticking around Livingston.
“I’m staying,” he said, nodding. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I know I screwed things up with you, but I owe it to my daughter to be around.” He sighed and furrowed his brow. “Look, we both know how hard it can be to grow up with only one parent, even one who really loves you. I don’t want our daughter to have to go through that.”
“Good.”
“Also, I’m gonna take a look at getting my own house. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m gonna stay when I’m crashing at Carl’s ranch, so I’m gonna buy a bigger place, and maybe when she’s older, she can stay over there some days.”
I opened my mouth to tell him no way in hell but quickly shut it before anything came out. It wasn’t a crazy idea. A father who wanted to be involved with his daughter’s life was a good thing. It still felt very weird.
Even though I knew what had happened, I still had trouble thinking of Alex as anything but the man who had ditched me after a one-night stand. I wondered how long it’d take for me to get over that. If ever.
It didn’t help that every time I was near him and I saw those muscles or smelled that earthy, manly scent of his, I wanted him. Even all dusty and dirty from the ranch, I wanted him. I just didn’t know if I wanted him because of what I’d felt in the past or if there was something still there. The truth was, other than our one night, he’d been all but a stranger to me the last thirteen years.
The memory of the kiss in the conference room still haunted me, the warmth of his mouth on mine, the feel of my breasts as they rubbed against his chest, those strong hands on my ass.
I sucked in a breath and leaned against a wall. I only barely avoided rubbing my thighs together.
Was this out of control lust from a woman who didn’t get enough? I didn’t know.
> “Something wrong?” Alex said.
I shook my head quickly. “No, no, no. Wait. You’re going to buy a house, not rent?”
Alex nodded. “Yeah, I figured that’ll prove I want to stay.”
“Yeah, I guess it would.”
The only thing I couldn’t figure out was how he was even going to afford a house. It wasn’t exactly like houses in Livingston were expensive, but as far as I knew, Alex was working as a ranch hand for Carl. Even if our friend was being generous, it wasn’t like he’d be able to pay enough for a man to buy his own house.
I wanted to ask Alex about it but decided against it. It wasn’t my place to question him on that yet. Kadie didn’t know who he really was, and he’d not said anything about a house to her, so it wasn’t like he was setting her up to be disappointed. We were in a good place, and I didn’t want to say something that would make things tense again.
“I’ve got to get going,” Alex said. “Carl is waiting on me to come back and help him with something. Thanks again for this.” He nodded toward the back door.
“You’re welcome.” I offered him a soft smile.
He started for the front door before stopping. “We should have dinner sometime.”
All my good feelings vanished. No matter how attracted I was to Alex, I didn’t want him to think he could step back into something with me because of that kiss.
“That’s not a good idea,” I said. “I told you before. Letting you into Kadie’s life doesn’t mean we’re a couple.”
“I know, I know. I’m not talking about having dinner with just you. I don’t want a date. I wanted to have dinner as a family. Or sort of family. Whatever.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay, I’ll think that over. That sounds fair.”
We waved to me and continued on his way as I stayed in the kitchen.
The sound of the front door closing reached my ears a few seconds later, but I could barely hear it over the thumping pulse in my ears. I wasn’t sure if I was worried about being on a date with him because of his reaction or my own.
I looked through the window at Kadie.
“This is all for you, sweetie. All for you.”