Kill a memory.
Kill a memory that’s already there.
Before I responded, he’d pushed off the wall, standing up straight and slipping his bag back over one shoulder. “I’ve got to go. I’m late for practice. So are you, I guess. Thanks for…” He shook his head, like he wasn’t sure which things to thank me for. “Just, thanks,” he repeated and took off for the gym while I still stood, mind whirling with the strangest sense of déjà vu. Where had I heard that before?
How do you kill a memory that’s already there?
Chapter Fifteen
I actually skipped practice completely and went to my room, where I was unsurprised to find Amy crying on her bed. She was surprised to see me, though, and sat up quickly, scrubbing tears from her eyes while stuttering.
“I…just…um. Shit.” She flopped back down onto her mountain of pillows. They were all different from last year’s but there were no fewer of them. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here, remember?” I joked, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I went and laid down next to her on her bed. It was a tight fit, but she moved over to make room for me. “I skipped practice,” I admitted.
“Why?”
“Because I ran into Caleb on the way in.” She squeezed her eyes shut but didn’t say anything. “I thought my roommate might need a cheerleader more than the volleyball team right now.”
“What’d he say?”
I’d promised I wouldn’t tell her what I’d seen or, worse, thought I’d seen, or, worst of all, what Caleb had admitted, but I could tell her something. “He said nothing surprising: he loves you but sometimes you make him crazy.”
She rolled over onto her side, facing the wall while she hugged a pillow to her chest. “He makes me crazy too, you know.”
“I know.” I rubbed circles on her back.
“He canceled on me tonight. So, I’ll be here. Sorry.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Yeah it is.”
“It’s not a big deal to me.”
She giggled and glanced over her shoulder at me. “Carter will probably mind a little.”
“He’ll survive.”
It was supposed to be, as Amy liked to call it, “date night.” I knew it was silly that I kept risking getting caught sneaking Carter into my room when we could really do whatever we wanted at his apartment, but I just couldn’t handle the fact that his aunt and uncle lived there too. They felt too much like parents and I felt weird when we even closed the door to his bedroom, whether we were fooling around or not. I was sure they knew what was going on when Carter came to my dorm, but that weirded me out less than them knowing it was going on at their house.
She sighed again. “Caleb didn’t even want to this afternoon.”
“Ame, geez.”
“That’s not like him. He always wants to.” And that was probably true. Actually, that was probably true of most guys, but Caleb and Amy were the couple who were always fooling around. All our friends joked about it. Hell, all of campus joked about it. When they’d gotten together last year, the bonfire they were supposed to be tending had almost burned out of control. Usually Amy joked about it too.
I tried to lighten the mood. “Maybe he is tired, Ame. You’re a lot to keep up with.”
And it backfired completely. She started sniffling again. “I know I’m not as skinny as other girls, okay? I get it.”
“That’s not…Ame.” I touched her shoulder and when that failed to elicit a response, I just went ahead and hugged her. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“It’s true though. I’m not. I don’t think I’ll ever be. I can’t be skinny like you and Alexis and…and Mandi.”
There it was. I wasn’t going to say her name but I knew Amy would bring it up eventually. Alexis and I weren’t really the problem. Amy “hated” the two of us for our long legs and skinny asses all the time. I mean, she hated Alexis for plenty of things, but not, actually, because she was beautiful.
With Mandi, it was different. Mandi was Amy’s opposite, and all the things Amy sometimes wished she could be. Mandi was maybe close to Amy’s height, but where Amy bought a medium or sometimes a large, Mandi was an extra-small. She had straight blond hair and blue eyes and probably could get away with not wearing a bra.
Most of the time I thought Amy knew how gorgeous she was. She joked how guys loved her for her boobs and her laugh, and she was never afraid to flaunt either. But when she felt bad, she felt all wrong. We all had those moments. Amy felt fat. And like her pretty brown curls were frizzy, and her perfect eyebrows were too Italian, and her D+ cup breasts were the only thing guys liked about her. Comparing herself to Mandi just amplified all of those feelings.
“No one wants you to look like me, or Mandi.”
“No? Then why did my boyfriend turn down—”
“Jesus! Ame. I don’t need the details. And I may not know much, but I know if you think a guy loves you only for how you look or what you do for him, he doesn’t love you! Caleb loves you, all of you. Give him a little credit. Give you a little credit too.”
“God,” she sniffed. “What’s wrong with me? When did I become this girl?”
“You’re not this girl. This isn’t you, and I, for one, would like you back. So would Caleb. Maybe start by trusting him.”
She disentangled herself from my arms then and we sat up. “You’re right,” she said, rubbing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths. “You’re right. And I think I do trust Caleb. I do. I just don’t trust Mandi Worthington.”
“That’s okay. I don’t trust her either. She’s bad news, even though I’m not supposed to say that about my mentees. But you still have to trust Caleb.”
“You’re right,” she repeated and gave me one more swift hug. “Thank you for skipping practice.”
With a tug of one of her curls and a smile, I got up from the bed. “Any time.”
Behind me, she flopped backward on her pillows again and rolled in my direction, watching me. “There are days, Lane, I mean, look at you—why can’t I be attracted to you? It would be so much simpler. We could push our beds together and never have to sneak anywhere.”
“Date night every night?” I laughed.
“Exactly!”
“I’m not so easy to cuddle with this monstrous cast on.”
She made a face and rubbed a spot on her ribs. “I know. I think you left a bruise. But it’s perfect for clubbing our enemies!” We laughed together, and for that minute, it felt like everything was perfect. When we stopped, Amy sobered. “Seriously though, thank you. And I was only half joking. You’re hot, and I really do wonder sometimes if the boys are worth it.”
Did I ever understand that. “I hope they are.”
DINNER LATER WAS an odd affair, with Amy and Caleb in an unresolved fight that basically no one knew about. They were themselves, but strained, not looking at each other when they laughed at jokes. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but to me it was like there were feet of space between them though they sat right next to each other. Their shoulders didn’t touch, and neither stole anything from the other’s plate.
Finally, when we were all just about ready to leave, Caleb leaned over and whispered in Amy’s ear. She stiffened, then nodded. They left together and I watched them go, trying not to look as worried as I was. But as they were walking out the dining hall doors, Caleb slipped his hand into Amy’s and her whole face brightened. Maybe this would be a good talk.
Her text came in just before the curfew bells started to ring.
be back late. staying here for a while tonight. just to sleep. xoxo
I was glad. I thought sleeping together without sleeping together would be good for them. Just being close to each other. It meant Carter could have come over, and I could still have called him, but I thought I could use the time alone. To think.
I pushed my notebook away and tilted back in my chair, staring at the cracked plaster of the old building’s high ceiling.
>
It seemed like as soon as I solved one problem another was ready to slip into its place. Now that my looming death was no longer looming, or at least on hold, my best friend was basically on the verge of a breakdown or, for her maybe worse, a break up. And part of me felt like I’d let her get there.
I felt totally trapped. Between my two worlds, between everything. This was exactly why I’d wanted to get away from the Sententia in the first place and I was beginning to fear I never would. Hell, lately I’d been considering getting even deeper into Sententia business. Not for the first time, I thought about how the only thing keeping me involved was Carter. How maybe no man was worth this trouble.
But the problem with that line of thinking was my heart didn’t believe it.
On the shelf above my desk, a paperback copy of Love’s Labour’s Lost slid out of its place, teetered on the edge, and fell with a soft thump onto the books scattered in front of me. Carter Penrose, the comedian. He did that sometimes, sent me little signs that he was thinking about me. Sometimes they scared the crap out of me, and then sometimes it was like he just knew when I’d been thinking about him.
I always thought it would have been cool if he could make messages appear in my notebook with my pen, but that was beyond even his abilities. He could make them appear on my phone, though. It buzzed from somewhere under all the books.
still studying?
sort of. but not really. more like on a break
how’s moretti?
gone actually. they’re making up.
So, want some company?
I was tempted. Really tempted. I’d already considered it. But a night alone was what I planned and I still had something else I hadn’t really had a chance to think about: memories. What Caleb had said that afternoon kept coming back to me.
Yes…but I really do have to study.
I could help.
You don’t help.
Just to say goodnight?
I’m about to get in the shower.
Which was true.
Even better.
Damn him.
Amy could come back any minute.
It’ll only take a minute.
That doesn’t sound fun for me.
That was when the phone rang, and I answered it to the sound of Carter laughing. “You really won’t let me come say goodnight?”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“No, you’re beautiful, and I haven’t seen you all day.”
I was also an easy mark. I sighed. And smiled, but he couldn’t see that part. “Fine. But I’ll meet you outside. Under the tree in half an hour.”
When I came out of the bathroom after my shower, he was lying on my bed, grinning exactly like the Cheshire Cat. I’d have screamed, but I was only moderately surprised to see him.
“You really are incorrigible,” I said as I pulled the towel off my head. My hair fell down with a heavy thunk, dampening the back and shoulders of my robe.
His grin didn’t diminish a bit. “And you,” he said, “are late.” He tapped my alarm clock, which of course read more than half an hour after I told him to meet me. Crap. “Plus it’s freezing out, and your hair is wet.”
The great, and not so great, depending on the day, thing about dating Carter was he could easily sneak in with no help from me. Our quirky old building featured a beautiful window conveniently placed in the first floor landing of the back stairwell. It was locked, of course, as was my door, but that was a minor impediment to most Thought Movers, and none at all to Carter. Once he’d seen the locks, he could get in without opening any doors that would either set off the fire alarm or require him to pass Ms. Kim’s apartment.
Now that he was here, it wasn’t like I was disappointed to see him. I laid down next to him and snuggled into his open arms. “Thank you for thinking about me.”
“I’m always thinking about you.”
MORE THAN A minute later, as he played with my hair that was drying in tangles, Carter said, “So, when are you going to ask me?”
“To go home? I didn’t exactly invite you in the first place.”
“You were late on purpose,” he said and tickled my nose with one of my tangles.
“You’re delusional.”
“You could have kicked me out,” he countered.
With a pronounced sigh, I elbowed him in the ribs and got up to fix the mess on my head he was only making worse. “When am I going to ask you…?”
“To the Winter Ball.”
My hands stilled in their brushing. The Winter Ball. The Winter Debacle, as I thought of it. I didn’t exactly have fond memories of it. This year, it had the added bonus of being held on my birthday. I didn’t want to go.
“Who said I was going to?” I joked, except I wasn’t joking.
He tipped his head to the side, as if he knew I wasn’t playing around. “You had another date in mind?”
“Yes.” I told him the truth. “None.”
He stood then, turning his perfect bare back and, well, everything to me while looking for various pieces of clothing, and I lost all cognitive abilities. “…stag? I’ll miss wearing the tux, but okay.”
I shook my head. “Wait, what? No.” He was mostly dressed and I was thinking again. “You think I’d go without you? I meant I don’t want to go at all.”
He looked up from tying his shoes. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“It’s your senior year. And your birthday. You should go. We should go.”
“So all I can do the whole time is think about last year? No thanks. Ugh!” I concluded, pulling too hard on my brush.
Carter came and sat on the ottoman across from the divan, where I was fighting with my hair. And, really, my feelings. “Hey.” He gently removed the brush from my hands and held them. “It’s not last year. That’s all in the past.”
True. “But what about the future?” I wasn’t sure what came over me, but every one of my worries, from the real to the insignificant, poured out of me. “Everything just feels so messed up. Amy and Caleb fighting, and I’m afraid she’s not going to get elected to the court this year but I will, and I still can’t see what’s going to happen with you and me, and I’ll still be wearing this ugly thing.” I held up my cast, another thing making my life more difficult than it should have been. “And I don’t even have a dress—”
Carter leaned forward and kissed me, stopping any other complaints I might have come up with. Kisses had their own language, and this one said shhhh. Relax it told me, and I’m here. It spoke to my heart, rather than other places, and my heart thumped in response. When he pulled back, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly while I tipped my head against his chest. He scooped me onto his lap and held me even closer. It would have made more sense to sit on the couch, where I’d been, but still. It was nice.
“Nothing’s going to happen to you, remember?” he whispered, hugging me so tightly I almost felt safe.
“You don’t know that,” I whispered back.
“I do know,” he said. “Because you do too. What you saw once, fate realized wasn’t for us.” We sat together like that until my tension of moments ago started to ebb.
“As for the rest of it,” Carter went on, “you can’t fix Amy and Caleb’s problems. They have to do that.” When I started to interrupt, he stopped me, lightly kissing my forehead. “Just listen, okay? Turn off the worry machine for a few minutes. Next, who cares who gets elected to the court? You’ve both already been nominated and you can’t do anything more now. Besides, you’ll probably be Queen, not just on the court.”
God I hoped not. Alexis already hated me enough. “That’s not helping.”
“But it’s true. I mean, my girlfriend’s going to be prom queen. How sweet is that?”
“Not if I don’t go.”
“You can wear a dress you already have and we’ll get some sparkles or something for your cast.” He knocked on it for emphasis. “No one cares about that.”
“I’m not
the kind of girl who bedazzles her cast. The purple is bad enough.” I kind of hated whoever let that happen. I assumed it had been the doctor or a nurse who chose it, thinking I’d like it, but I a little bit suspected it was Carter, who thought it would be funny. Short of coloring it entirely black, I got my aunt to do some art on it with a black Sharpie after I’d gotten to Mexico.
Carter snickered. “Fine. I’ll get you a corsage that covers it.”
“I’m not the kind of girl who wears wrist corsages either.”
“No. You’re the kind of girl who has to make everything difficult.”
He tickled me then, and I shoved him, and about when we fell off the ottoman is when Amy opened the door.
“OH, God.” She shut it quickly behind her. “Seriously? And why can’t Penrose be the one wearing a robe that’s showing, like, everything.”
We got up, Carter laughing, and me hiding my blushing face behind his shoulder. “Hey,” I squeaked. I cleared my throat. “Hey. You’re back kind of early.”
“I’m not, really.” She dropped her bag by her desk and went about getting ready for bed like Carter wasn’t even there. “You just obviously haven’t looked at a clock in a while.” She ducked into the bathroom while I did what I obviously hadn’t done in a while. She was right. It was later than I realized. “And also,” she continued, voice floating out the open door, “you could have texted. Or put out the ribbon you insisted we needed.”
Carter interjected, “I take it the coast is clear now?”
“Ah, good,” Amy said, the words garbled by her toothbrush. She poked her head back into the room. “So you’re actually on your way out. At least that explains why your shoes are still on. I was a little worried. Night, Penrose.” She shut the door behind her.
“Night, Penrose,” I echoed and he kissed me.
“I love you, Young.” Just before he slipped out, he turned his head back and said, “And pick a nice dress, okay?”
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