by Lila Felix
“Hmm…I don’t snore. And anyway you’re the one who came unglued when I fell down.” I grunted.
“Yeah, you don’t snore and I’m really an aardvark. I was scared, Rev. You falling down like that just reminded me of how real this is. If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t even console you properly, yet I’m attached to you, heart and soul.”
Her words rang true, but they were spoken with a tinge of aloofness.
Martha had me turned upside-down.
One minute she was angry and ready to hold me down and mark me and the next she was pissed because I fell down.
She had me cleaned up in no time and with a cold ‘thank you’, I grabbed my bag and hopped into the hot shower.
The room was empty of Martha and all of her belongings when I came back into the room. She was close. Her scent was just outside the cabin door.
Outside, she sat on a makeshift bench writing furiously in a notebook. A pause was taken here and there, tapping the pen on her chin and then the whole process resumed again.
“We should…”
“Ahhh!” she interrupted me as I, apparently, interrupted her.
I couldn’t get along with my mate for shit.
The crib Schuylar and his pack had made for Hawke was beyond craftsmanship—it was art.
“I assume the Alpha made arrangements for payment?”
Schuylar smoothed his fingers over the edges of the crib once more, testing everything.
“Yes. He did. There’s also something else I’d like to talk to you about. You see, my mate, when she finds something she likes, doesn’t give up until she has one for herself. A friend of hers has an extremely intricate birdhouse she bought from the internet. As it turns out, Hawke and I were talking about mates and I mentioned something about this birdhouse. He said you make them,”
I cleared my throat. I hadn’t expected that.
“Yes. I do.”
“We have already given Hawke the speculations for the one she wants. My mate is—not one to be outdone. Though I could’ve made her one, she insisted we get it from you. You’ve also been paid in full. Your Alpha has the money when you return.”
I nodded. “Thank you. I appreciate that. I’ll do my best to make sure it meets your expectations.”
Schuylar nodded. He moved to the corner of the barn-like building, motioning me to follow. He waited until the other wolves around were once again involved in their work and began in a whisper.
“I’m sure you will. There’s one more thing. We think your Alpha’s mate is in danger. You should keep this between us and Hawke, of course until there’s further proof. However, we also maintain an alliance with another clan of grizzlies and they’ve been contacted about joining into Horace’s son’s group. I’m not sure if Horace has passed or has just turned his Alpha status to his son. They said they intended to get revenge on Hawke for taking Echo. He needs to be extremely careful. Those grizzlies may be—rudimentary—in their ways, but they fight with a brute force that overcomes your kinds’. Be diligent. For a long time, we watched over Echo as though she was one of ours. We wouldn’t want to see her or anyone in your clan come to harm.”
The alarm on my face must’ve been apparent.
“Stay here until you can calm yourself. Get back to your clan as soon as possible. I can’t stress how careful you should be.”
A few breaths later, I steadied myself. Exiting the building, the crib had been deconstructed into manageable pieces for me to put together at our lands. Martha was already in the car, waiting, looking out the window.
She said nothing as I got into the car.
“Everything is packed and ready to go?”
“Yes. The wolves helped me.”
“I’m sorry. That was my job.”
She shrugged, “It’s fine. The large one, Schuylar, said you were handling some clan business.”
“I was.”
Martha
To feel someone else’s panic—to feel his panic—shredding at his sensibilities and making him shaky—I hated it. If I was any kind of mate, I would go to him immediately and take care of him.
I don’t think I’m cut out for this mate thing, despite my dreaming and conjuring up fantasies about it since I was a cub.
When we were well out of the wolves’ lands, I asked him.
“What had you so upset back there?”
He jumped, like I’d startled him. “What? Oh, news for the Alpha about the grizzlies.”
That was the only answer I received.
This was my fault. By now, most mates would’ve been in the honeymoon stage.
I’d stifled us all the way down to the ‘barely talking to each other’ stage—because I’m so amazing at being romantic—in books.
Not telling him everything felt like betrayal.
“I’m afraid of you.” I blurted out unattractively. It would’ve been impossible for me to be any more of a spaz.
Someone should detain me.
For idiocracy.
And for being socially derailed.
Hiding my face in my hands, I waited for him to push me away—to make fun of me—something.
Yet, he said nothing. Instead, I felt the car veer to the side.
He’s taking the next exit and changing course to the nearest mental facility.
At least I’ll get a good amount of writing done in there.
“Tell me why.”
Opening my eyes to the surprise of a warehouse store instead of a nut house, groaned. Being sent to the padded room would be easier for me than admitting to him why he frightened me.
And then, looking into his begging brown eyes, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
If nothing else, he deserved my truth.
“I’m afraid you’re going to take everything I’ve worked for. I’m scared you’re just going to barrel in like a bull in a china shop and want me to quit working, be Mrs. Beta Female and have a bunch of babies. I’m afraid of what you expect from me. I’m not Echo. I pretend to be this happy, happy, apron wearing crafty Katie, but those are the things I do when I’m bored. I’m afraid of losing myself in this.” I motioned back and forth between us, hoping my hand gestures would help him understand my lunacy. “The way you make me feel—like I’m out of control. All of it. I’m like a walking, talking contradiction. I want you, but I’m afraid. I need you, but needing someone else makes me manic.”
He swallowed heavily and slipped his hands under the outside of his thighs. He might as well have run a thousand miles away—the gesture was cutting me off from himself. I gazed out the front windshield, and it began to rain as he spoke.
“Martha, I understand your concerns—I do. But I think you’re forgetting one thing. One single thing that would give light to all that darkness you feel about me.”
I didn’t see darkness in him—I didn’t. I saw a light separate from mine and my things. This was all about me. For the rest of my life, I’d be contented, sitting in my office, hoarding myself and my writing, holding it tight. Even with my friendship with Echo, I kept her at arms’ length, hoping she wouldn’t expect anything of me that I wasn’t willing to give.
Even though she could command me to do whatever she wanted.
“What’s that?”
“I was made to make you happy. You’re the most intelligent, beautiful, fireball of a female I’ve ever met. I couldn’t be more honored to be chosen as your mate. You say you don’t need to revisit the histories, but clearly you do. There’s no desire greater in me than to have you be content. Your needs before mine. Your heart with mine. Your happiness above mine. Your life tied to mine for all eternity. The creed is as old as our clan. The ball is in your court here. From now on, I will be the best damned mate I can—from a distance.”
From a distance? Was he not staying with me?
“What do you mean?”
“I will do the best I can to love you and be your mate. I’ll give you everything I am able to from the outside, because that’s w
here you keep me. You keep me on the outer rings of who you are. And I certainly won’t stick around if you’re afraid of me. I won’t spark fear in my mate.
I won’t lie to you. That archaic male in me wants you not to have to work and start a family as soon as possible. But my need for you to be happy trumps all of that. You just keep holding on to everything you think is more important than you and me and I will—well, I will learn to be okay with it eventually.”
The rain cleared up and he started the car up again. “We need to get home right away.”
The ride home was dreadful.
Even my bear wasn’t speaking to me.
Hours later, we arrived on our lands. Rev parked my car in the carport beside my house and helped me get my things into the house.
“Where’s your stuff?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
“Coming home with me.”
There were clansmen out and about all over the place, so I got closer to him, trying not to have our coupling be the topic of the new gossip.
“I thought you said we would live here.”
A pained look crossed his face and it matched the pain in his heart. “This is your home Martha. You have no real desire to share it with me. You offered because you thought it was the thing to do and I appreciate it. But until my mate offers me everything that is her freely, I wouldn’t think of this as my home. This is yours, what you’ve worked so hard for.” He looked away. “I wouldn’t want you to think I was trying to take anything from you.”
He grabbed his backpack and slipped off his shoes, one at a time. By the time the tears began to fall, he was already out of my sight.
Two days we spent away from each other. A small piece of me, the selfish human part, thought I was better off. Everything had been before he came along.
I had to re-evaluate which part I wanted. One part of me wanted the fantasy, the male who loved me and made me feel secure—but only at my convenience—when I wasn’t working or travelling.
But a shifter’s human side and their bear were interconnected and more and more my animal side was winning the argument.
I didn’t dare call Echo. If she was expecting, she shouldn’t have any stress put on her than necessary.
I was a mess. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t sleep. Eating had gone to hell. I’d even attempted to sneak in a run by myself, but my bear refused to make the change.
My bear rebelled against me to the point where it pained me from the inside out.
I’d roamed my house, which had always made me feel powerful and independent and found that suddenly it made me feel lonely.
I needed Rev.
On the third day, I was damned near inconsolable. He hadn’t called or come by, though I’d seen him go to Hawke’s home more than once. He’d also gotten the crib out of my car at some point.
Get to him now!
I was drinking coffee early that morning when the best part of me screamed out in desperation and longing.
“For a bear, you are stubborn as a damned mule. I’m second guessing giving this baby one of your names, if it’s a girl.”
Echo entered my kitchen and leaned against the counter across from me with her arms crossed.
“You know, I asked Hawke if he’d be upset if I came over here and commanded the two of you to just get over yourselves. I mean, seriously, that man was solemn before but it’s gotten ridiculous. What happened? I thought you two would be marked, mated and married by Sunday.”
Then the tears really began to fall.
“I’m so stubborn. It’s like I want to have it all. I want him to be here, but in my mind it’s still my house. I want him to be okay with my career and support me, but as soon as he said Beta Female, I nearly lost it. I’m so scared to give in.”
“Why? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t know. My mom is so independent. She taught me to be self-sufficient. I don’t want to rely on someone. I’m just a big control freak. I want what I want when I want it. The Creator should’ve made me mate-less. ”
Echo nodded. “I get that. And your mom is amazing. She really is and I respect the hell out of her for supporting herself. But do you think for one second she wouldn’t trade it in for having her mate back? I mean really, what happened to my friend who was so hung up on having a mate and a family that she’d practically perfected the art of being a homemaker? Those weren’t just girlish dreams—that was the Creator prepping you for this. Doubt everything around you. Doubt your job, your house, your feelings, and even your mate. But don’t, for one second, doubt the Creator’s plan.”
By the time she was finished, sobs wracked my chest. “I need him so badly, Echo.”
The Coeur, known for her compassion, enfolded me in her arms. “I know. And at this point, he’s holding on to the last shred of pride he has. Those boys can only give as much as they have. You need him? Go get him.”
Rev
Hawke said that in his time without the Coeur, physical labor had helped him pass the time. In the two days since I’d left Martha in front of her house, I’d become more and more irritable.
Screw irritable, I was downright vile.
I swore that every time I went to the Alpha’s home, I could scent her from the outside of her home. The sun was on my back, but every part of me was ingrained with rain.
In four days’ time, I’d ruined the mating I’d waited all my life for.
Honestly, I didn’t know what she wanted from me. She was so hot and cold. One moment, she was talking about marking me, and the next, she was scared of me taking everything from her.
In the meantime, Schuylar’s order was being taken care of. His order was outrageous by any standards, and his payment was even more so.
The coy wolf had paid me five hundred dollars for one birdhouse.
One birdhouse.
He was insane.
Or very much committed to his mate.
Either way I’d give my left lung to be in either state.
I’d been taking a break from my work, sitting on a chair my father had made, when I heard footsteps in the brush around my cabin. My entire body tensed as I realized it could be none other than Martha. Her footsteps were light and soon enough, her scent on the wind confirmed it.
“Hiding much?” My mate had started with sarcasm, which was my language.
“Avoiding much?” I quipped back.
“Maybe I’m done avoiding.”
“Congratulations.”
Okay, that was full on asshole.
Maybe she wasn’t the only one holding a grudge.
Her breaths were short and forced. She was attempting to calm herself, but it wasn’t working.
“Just get over here already.”
She stepped toward me carefully and reached out her hand. I took it, and then pulled her to sit in my lap. Turning her sideways, I wrapped my arms around her. For animals, and especially bears, touch was so important. It validated relationships of all kinds.
Six words from her and I’d melted into a pile of male bear goo.
The calm washed over us both instantly.
I didn’t know what to say to her. Anything I said was either taken wrong or taken defensively. The last thing I wanted was for her to turn around and leave again.
“I finished the book.” I figured starting on an ominous topic would serve us both well.
“What did you think?”
“I think you’re brilliant. You’re very talented.”
Contrary to holding her career close to her heart, she squirmed under my praise.
“What are you doing here?”
She shrugged and tears bubbled in the corners of her eyes. “I missed you.”
Most people, in my knowledge, hung on and waited for the words ‘I love you.’ But my mate, sitting so near, admitting something as raw and honest as her missing me—I couldn’t imagine anything could trump that feeling.
“I’ve missed you every second.”
She laughed as the
tears contradicted her by flowing down her face. “What did you miss most? My selfishness or my unwillingness to let you actually act like my mate?”
I chuckled at her. I didn’t need all of her to be happy. I just wanted a piece of her—a piece she’d just given me.
“I missed everything about you.”
She pushed away the tears as I pushed more calm and comfort to her through the bond. Wiping her tears on her pants, she took notice of my work in progress.
“What are you making?” She seemed genuinely interested, so I leaned over and retrieved the plans. “This is a birdhouse that Schuylar’s mate wants. It’s a very unique design.”
She took the paper from me, turning it this way and that. “This is like a miniature Victorian mansion.”
“It is.”
“I’d love to see it before you give it to them.”
I nodded in agreement.
While sitting there a few moments in silence, and despite the calm she’d received from me, she was still fidgeting. It was like she was uncomfortable in her own skin.
“What is the matter with you?”
Martha raised her fists in frustration. “This is going to sound so stupid. Ugh, I can’t shift.”
I became alarmed. “What do you mean you can’t shift? You’re a bear shifter.”
“I can’t! She’s all pissed off at me and when I try to run, she refuses to take shape.”
I knew she’d just come back and against my own best interest, I leaned up and spoke into her ear. “I’m sure I could help with that. But I won’t run with you unmarked.”
Our heart fluttered as one. A lightning fast thought hit her conscience. Whatever residual shock left in her was quickly turned on me. The animal side of her was drowning. If possible, she’d buried the female deeper since the last time I saw her.
“Are you blackmailing me into marking you?”
Despite her tone, she didn’t seem all that offended.
“Consider it a truce. Make a deal with me.” I prompted.
She pulled away.
“Come on, nothing scary. I promise not to infringe on your career or your house or anything else you’re so very attached to.”
She cringed. And I felt like shit for saying it, but it was the truth. No amount of tip-toeing around it would make it go away. I was her mate, but part of loving her was telling her the truth, and it wasn’t always candy-coated.