by Kiera Cass
“She’ll come back,” I insisted. “She’s not a quitter.”
Kriss pulled the fur wrap across her shoulders, a definite sign she was leaving if anyone asked me. Why in the world would Maxon give her fur if he was planning to keep her in Angeles?
“I don’t think her quitting is really the issue,” she mused. “It’s more about her being able to bounce back. You saw how she was after Marlee left, and this is her dad. I’d be a wreck.”
“Me, too.” Elise confessed.
“Same.” I looked at the pile of gifts, wondering if Maxon would give me a spare suitcase to take it all home. Surely I’d be heading there any day now. If anyone sat Elise, Kriss, America, and me side by side, I’d still easily look like the obvious choice for a princess. I could admit there was a part of me that held out hope I would somehow pull it off. . . .
But I knew—maybe even before Maxon knew himself—that it would be America.
The last vestiges of my vanity needed it to be her. The thought of losing to anyone but her sent me into a tailspin. She was my only worthy competitor.
She was also, maybe, my only friend.
I didn’t think she’d call me that, not when she had sisters and still talked about Marlee as if she was around. But that was fine. I didn’t need anyone to call me her friend at the moment. Having someone to call mine was enough.
Maybe I could work on that once I got home. I could bribe my way in with some of these jewels, probably.
“Let’s make a promise,” Kriss said. “Next year, no matter where we are, let’s all send one another Christmas cards.”
I smiled. I was going to get cards next year.
“America would like that, I think,” Elise added. “Something to take her mind off the sadness this season will have.”
“Excellent point, Elise. It’s a promise.” She and I shared a look. It was unlikely I’d ever have her true forgiveness, but to speak to her amicably was a huge step, more than I deserved.
“Should we send for some baskets?” Kriss asked. “I don’t even know how to begin getting all this to my room.”
“He’s too generous,” I said, meaning it in the core of my heart. Maxon Schreave had been too good to me.
“Who’s too generous?”
We all turned at the sound of Maxon’s voice, rising from our seats.
“You, of course,” Kriss gushed. “We’re still trying to sort through this pile of gifts.”
He shrugged. “I’m just pleased you liked them.”
“All very thoughtful.” Elise’s voice got so much quieter when he was around.
He smiled at us in turn, looking into each of our eyes purposefully before clearing his throat.
“Elise, Kriss, would you please return to your rooms? I need to speak with Celeste alone. And I’ll be coming to visit each of you shortly.”
My body went cold. This was it! Everything was coming to a close, and he was going to tell me now. I wondered if this was what it felt like right before you faint.
“Certainly.” Kriss curtsied and headed to the door, an anxious Elise following her.
Maxon and I both watched her scuttle away, her jet-black hair hiding her face as if we wouldn’t notice her as long as there was no eye contact. Once she was gone I giggled a little, and Maxon shook his head.
“I think I bring out her nerves.”
I rolled my eyes. “Everything brings out her nerves, but you’re certainly the worst.”
He narrowed his eyes. “But I’ve never made you nervous. Not even in the beginning.”
I smirked. “I’m not the type to get easily intimidated.”
“I know.” He circled around, coming to the couch I’d been using. “Sit, please.” I joined him, smoothing my dress. “That’s been one of my favorite things about you, actually. I admire your tenacity, your hunger to live. I think it will serve you well.”
“After I leave the palace, you mean?”
His smile dwindled. “Yes. After you leave the palace.” He shook his head. “There’s no hiding anything from you, is there?”
I pressed my lips together, trying so hard not to cry. Part of me felt relieved, but a bigger part was crushed.
I lost.
“I intended to explain everything before that came out. I still can if you like.”
Have my list of faults read aloud? No, thank you.
“It’s fine,” I answered in the most cheerful voice I could muster. “Wait, is it Kriss, then? I mean, America’s gone, and you can see how fragile Elise is.”
Maxon straightened up. “I’m not at liberty to comment on the possible winner. But America is on her way back to the palace.”
“She is?” I asked breathlessly. I was thrilled! Because I knew her returning meant she won. If he didn’t want her, he wasn’t cruel enough to bring her all the way back to the palace for a rejection.
“Yes, she should be here tomorrow.”
“Will . . . Do I have to leave right away, or can I stay to see her?”
I saw the confusion flicker across his eyes. While I had dealt with Elise in more direct ways, my method of taking down America involved subtle digs at her in front of Maxon. Well, maybe not always subtle. No doubt my excitement to see her again was a surprise to him.
He leaned across the couch, placing a hand on my knee. “You’re not leaving yet. I’ve invited everyone back for a last hurrah.”
I covered my mouth, shocked and pleased. There were so many apologies owed on my part that I never thought I’d have the opportunity to give. Without even knowing it, Maxon was too good to me one last time.
“All the Selected will be here for a personal gathering, and then we’ll have a banquet and make the final announcement.”
I placed my hands on his, tears brimming in my eyes. “I want to sit here and tell you that I would have been good for you. I want to tell you I would have been so loyal, so proud. . . .” I shrugged. “Truth is, I would have been good for me. I don’t know if I can love someone, not the way you love her.”
Even without saying America’s name, I could see the way the light changed in his eyes at the thought of her. “I think you can. Maybe not today,” he conceded with a pointed look.
I chuckled.
“And there’s no need for you to right now. Love only yourself a little bit longer, until you can’t stand not to love someone else.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I wiped at my eyes, making sure to keep my makeup in place. “Listen, when you tell Elise, be gentler than you think you need to be. She’s . . . I don’t know what she’ll do.”
His brows knit together. “I’m going to see her next. The conversation with Kriss will be a happy one, and I knew you were too tough to let it bring you down. But I’m worried about Elise.”
“Maybe bring some booze?”
He laughed. “I might just.” He gazed into my eyes. “Are you all right?”
“Surprisingly . . . yes? It’s kind of nice for it to be over. And I’m happy for . . . other people.”
“I think big things are on the horizon for you.”
“Maybe. Look, let’s not drag this out. I’m fine, really. And you have some other girls you need to speak to.”
He sighed. “I do.” Leaning in, Maxon gave me a last kiss on the cheek. “I will never forget your fire. I can’t wait to see what you do.”
With that he pulled away, exiting the room with only the smallest look back.
I leaned onto the couch, disappointed and grateful at the same time. America had told me I didn’t need a man to get what I wanted, and she was right. Maxon told me to love myself a little bit longer, and that was good advice.
I’d walk out of this strong, dignified. I was in the top four of the Elite. That was no small accomplishment. And I was still young, still pretty, still ambitious. There would be more for me.
I sat up and surveyed the room. Elise, in her dash to get away, had left the golden shoes on the flo
or. I reached over and put them on.
They fit like a dream. Whatever she thought, I remembered opening the box with these shoes inside, and they were definitely mine. I stood, walking in them back to my room.
They were the perfect shoes to take steps into a new life, one that would start when America became Maxon’s fiancée and I left the palace.
For the first time maybe ever, it didn’t matter if I looked beautiful or not. I felt it.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” I whispered to Aspen, my words barely audible over the hum of the airplane. Suddenly he’d become this unattainable thing again. I could list the ages and quirks of all his siblings, tell the story behind the long scar on his arm, and explain in detail how badly he missed his father. But now that I knew the truth, all of that felt false. Despite three weeks of marathon conversations and hidden kisses, it was almost as if I didn’t know him at all.
I fiddled with a patch of my uniform. After the pretty dresses I’d worn in the Singers’ home—even my lady’s old clothes—it felt too rough now. Always pressed, always starched, no room to play or dance or barely even hug. Just one more cage.
“I was afraid of putting you in an awkward position.” I could tell there was more he wanted to say. He was usually so confident. It was one of the many things that drew me to him—and one of our most striking differences. In most ways, I thought we were similar. Devoted almost to a fault; the type who others might underestimate because we took our time forming our thoughts; the type who kept parts of themselves tucked in the dark. But he was self-assured. Gutsy. A risk-taker. I wanted to be as brave as he was.
As brave as Lady America.
His first love?
I risked a peek at his face and could read the disappointment. “Falling for you was the last thing I expected to happen,” he said. “And I’ve already lost someone special to me once.”
I looked down the aisle. I could see only a piece of my lady’s hair and her finger worrying it into a figure eight over and over.
Special to me.
I turned back to him as he continued.
“I didn’t think you’d want to be with me if you knew the last girl I cared about was the same one you dressed every morning.”
Tears bit at my eyes, but I fought them. I’d beaten them so many times lately. I had Aspen to thank for that.
“I told you everything,” I breathed, still pushing at the ache. “It was terrifying to let you know how close I’d been to happiness before, how broken I’ve been in the palace, how wanting you has ruined my relationships with Anne and Mary.”
“They have nothing to do with you and me,” he countered quickly.
“They have everything to do with us. And so does she,” I added, nodding toward Lady America. “So does your family and the prince and my father. Because we live our lives with them, Aspen. You can’t have a relationship in a bubble. It won’t survive.”
Aspen blinked a few times, like this hit him somewhere in the farthest corners of himself. He shook his head.
“You’re right. And that’s why you have to know: no matter how badly I wanted it to work at the time, that relationship wouldn’t have lasted. It never saw the light of day.”
“Neither has ours.” I sighed, refusing to look away. He and I needed to own up to what we were and everything we had built—and how quickly it was crumbling.
“I thought that was for the best. At first, anyway. But I don’t want it to stay that way.”
I was so tired of excuses. They seemed to fall on me from everywhere. You can’t be in love because of your caste. You can’t keep your mother because she is sick. You can’t feel safe because even the palace isn’t enough to protect you. Foolish reason after foolish reason building a wall between me and a life with any sort of joy.
“What can I do, Lucy?” he quietly begged. “Tell me what you want.”
I turned to him. “The truth.”
Aspen sat up, bracing himself. I didn’t know if there was a particular question he was afraid to hear, but I began with the one I was most scared to ask. “Do you still love her?”
He started shaking his head almost instantly, but I stopped him.
“Don’t tell me what you think I need to hear. Don’t try to protect me. Tell me everything—”
A guard poked his head up from his seat a few rows back, and I quieted myself again, looking at Aspen and waiting.
He swallowed. “I think a part of me always will. I can’t shake the urge to fight for her, to rescue her. I don’t know if it’s romantic love, but I know it’s there. And I know that when the prince marries her, which I’m sure he will now, I won’t take it well. Because it’s hard to watch something you wanted disappear.”
I dropped my head. Of course.
“But I also know,” he continued, “that if she wanted to be with me again, I’d spend every day looking back at this moment and wondering ‘what if?’ about you. It took years for her to have that effect on me. It took weeks for you.”
I felt my cheeks turning pink. I wanted so badly to believe that I’d bound myself as tightly to him as he had to me.
“Would she try to? Would she ask you back?” At her home, Lady America had yelled that her relationship with Aspen was in the past. But if that was true, why did they both seem so on edge about it?
He considered. “No. She’s going to marry the prince.”
I leaned over. “That’s His Majesty’s choice, not hers. You’re assuming Prince Maxon is going to ask. What if he doesn’t? Would she want you then? Does she have a reason to believe you’ll be waiting?”
I could tell by the look in his eyes he didn’t want to answer me. Finally, he nodded.
I pulled back, pressing myself into the seat. Anne was right. I aimed too high.
“Lucy,” he pleaded. “Lucy, look at me.”
His voice was tender, full of our secrets. It implored me not to let go. And I felt all of it. The way he made me laugh and the sensation of his fingers tickling my cheeks. The honey and gravel sound of his voice in my ear and the quick winks he snuck me in the hallways.
I summoned every last fragment of strength I had and looked at him. “Please don’t speak with me so intimately, sir. I have no wish to be involved with a taken man.”
Pulling in several uneven breaths, I fought to keep myself in one piece. I faced the window, watching as we chased the daylight home. I didn’t want to think about the complications of our lives together in the palace, so I focused on this moment, here and now. If I just held on to each minute, I could conquer them.
“Lucy,” he pleaded. “I promise you, I’ll fix this. I’ll fix it now.”
I heard him stand, and I stared wide eyed as he walked back to my lady. Now? What in the world could he say to her now? Was he going to tell her about us? Would she hate me?
No, she couldn’t. I’d been by her side for months. I’d nursed her through embarrassments and the loss of her closest friend. I’d sacrificed for her, and she’d done the same for me. Not another one of the Elite would have considered dragging her maids to the safe room reserved for the royal family. Lady America didn’t think twice. I’d placed my head on her shoulder the night she did her presentation. She dressed me in her clothes like a sister. She defended me.
My heart fluttered with the impossible hope—my lady might rejoice for me.
For one beautiful moment, I was consumed with a glowing anticipation. Maybe I’d been miserable for nothing!
I heard a huff as someone sat down. It was Aspen, a row behind me and across the aisle. He didn’t look at me. He didn’t do anything.
So he wasn’t free. And neither was I.
Inside the palace, I stood behind my lady, thankful that someone else came for her coat. I was afraid of what she might read in my eyes if I got too close.
Aspen stepped aside to talk to a senior officer, and Lady America was escorted to a homecoming reception.
No one noticed as I slipped into the Great Room. From there, I could exi
t into the hall through a side door and go back to being invisible.
I tried not to let myself be too disappointed. At least I had a home. My father was still around. I’d tasted love twice in my life. It didn’t last, but it was more than Mary or Anne had ever had.
I should be grateful.
But I was so tired of being grateful for a half-lived life.
I made my way downstairs, noticing when I reached the bottom that the common room was empty. Finally, I was alone. I slumped into one of the ancient chairs, rickety and threadbare, and let the tears come. I buried my face in my hands, trying to block and release everything at the same time. God, it hurt. It hurt to think of his lips on mine, of all the possibilities he’d whispered to me in darkened rooms. He felt so real, so possible.
But I’d been kidding myself. It had been so easy to grasp onto him after years of sadness, like the flicker of the North Star in the night.
It just wasn’t meant to be. Not for someone like me.
No matter.
It was time to shake off the hope I’d been holding onto and embrace what was ahead of me. I’d work as a maid until I was no longer considered pretty enough or fit enough to be one of the faces of the palace. When that happened, I’d join the laundry staff. I’d take care of Papa until he passed, and I’d dedicate my life to the service of the crown. This was all I had.
“Lucy.”
I whipped my head from my hands. Aspen had snuck up on me. Wiping away the tears, I stood up and started walking in the direction of the maids’ quarters.
“Please leave me alone. It will only make things worse.”
“I tried to talk to her, but she’s scared of confronting Maxon. She wasn’t ready to listen. In the morning, I will make sure she knows I’ve moved on.”
“If you care at all, don’t do this to me. You know I’ve already been through enough. I don’t need another lie.”
I got halfway across the room before Aspen grabbed my arm, forcing me to face him.
“This isn’t a lie, Lucy.”
I wanted to believe it, to accept the look in his eyes as truth. But if he’d held this secret back—and if he had promised to fix it once and failed—how could I?
“I’ll hate you forever for breaking my heart,” I promised. “But you know what’s worse?”