We unglue from each other and I wipe my face dry. I don’t want to cry. This isn’t a night for crying, this is a night for love, wine and celebration.
C.J.: It was so hard to see you with girlfriends.
Grant: You mean train wrecks? I suppose I purposely did that. Purposely dated women I knew I would never end up with.
C.J.: You had a lot of girlfriends. You never thought about marrying any of them?
Grant: It wasn’t a lot, less than a handful and no, never.
I don’t ask it again. I believe him. It makes me feel even more like crying again.
Grant: How do you think I felt having to see you at the lake with your—
C.J.: [wincing] I know. I’m sorry. I can’t believe we made it, there were so many things standing in the way.
Grant: I can. I always knew. I might not have been fully confident at all times, or known what to do or say, but I just knew it was you.
C.J.: I love our life. I love you.
Grant: I love our life too. I’m glad we don’t have to sneak around anymore.
Chapter 13
“LOVE HER BUT LEAVE HER WILD.”
-ATTICUS
Secret Spot
AFFAIRYTALE-Deleted Scene
For nine months each winter I ached for the warmth of summer bonfires and was haunted by the sound of his voice. That time was upon me again. It was the last fire of the season. The last weekend we’d all be together. Except this year, everything had changed.
Grant strummed Dad’s twelve string from on top of the old picnic table. Charisma and charm oozed naturally from him. He was irresistible. He tapped his bare foot along in rhythm to Bon Jovi’s Dead or Alive. The song that made me roll my eyes and sigh at how frustratingly good he was. Everyone watched him and sang along as they tipped back their last Coronas of the season.
Everything about Grant summoned me closer. The way he looked in tattered jeans, the subtle movements of his eyes and lips when he sang. His words floated over the fire and slipped into my ears, anesthetizing me. The pluck of the strings vibrated through the marsh and echoed off the darkness. Through the dim simmer of crimson coals, Grant looked at me, sang to me. I hummed and swayed, synchronous to him, allowing him in—unbelieving that he really wanted me. There could be no more separation between us. I would fold into a suitcase that night and he could sneak me into his world.
We exchanged glances, each knowing what the other was thinking.
It was time.
He gave me the signal.
I looked around to see if anyone was still sober. Nope. All impaired. I nodded my head, good-to-go. The plan was for me to go first and Grant would follow shortly after.
“Goodnight everyone. It’s been a fun season.”
I stood and left the dwindling fire and the remaining lake-folk to their philosophical conversations once again about alien life. Out of the smoke, mosquitoes buzzed my head as I headed down toward the lake. Distorted music and bamboozled laughter were amplified over the still water. Different sounds and voices coming from a dozen waterfront bonfires scattered around the shores. Spirited lake goers were celebrating their final summer weekend.
I took off my sandals, rolled up my yoga pants, and gumshoed along the shore under the moonlight. Carefully, I slid over docks and strolled silently along. A warm glow emanated from the windows of the cabins that were up past bedtime. I didn’t look their way though, I stayed face down—unrecognizable.
A smile grew on my face as I crept closer toward our rendezvous. The thrill of being alone with him, having his hands and lips greet me, was more exciting than anything I’d ever felt before. At a safe distance from the cabin I cut through a vacant property then walked along the edge of the asphalt road, still warm from the day’s sun. When I saw headlights I ducked into a row of shrubs and waited. As the lights crept forward, after I was certain it was my chariot, I jumped from the trees then yelled and waved my arms.
“Wait!”
Red brake lights lit up the night, I hustled around the back before flinging myself into the passenger seat, closing the door, and slinking down. His fingers gripped my head and forced me to his lips. A most welcome kiss. We looked at each other and smiled. We’d gotten away with it again.
“What if Dylan goes inside and sees you’re not there?” Grant asked as I sat on the floor of the passenger seat.
“Dylan stays out until sunrise on a Tuesday. It’s Saturday of the last real weekend of the summer. He won’t go in any time soon.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Hmm . . . ” I said, as if I didn’t know, but I’d been plotting places where we could go to be together for hours. “I can’t wait for the day when we can just go back to your place.”
He tilted his head all sweet. “Soon baby. Soon.”
The red glow of the dash lights lit the interior, teasing me with his handsome profile. “What about that old storage unit at the end of East Road? It’s grown over with weeds, hasn’t been mowed this year. The grass must be five feet tall. If we go to the south side no one will see us.”
“Honey, YES! That’s a great idea!” He lay his hand on my shoulder while we drove. Just his touch through my clothes was enough to fill me with happiness. “It’s so hard to see you from across the fire and not be able to touch you,” he said as he stroked my neck.
“Tell me about it. It sucks to not be able to stand by you or even hold your hand,” I pouted. “Do you think anyone suspects us or sees the way we look at each other?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
I didn’t ask when our plan was to come out of hiding, it was too soon. But I was dreaming of the day. I’d just gotten divorced and moved into my own place.
Grant switched off the headlights and we drove blind through the darkness into the abandoned area. We bumped along the sand mounds of the overgrown maintenance road and plowed a swath of five-foot tall grasses as we went.
“The car just made a trail right to us.”
“No one is looking for us, we’ll be fine.” He was confident about not getting caught. I didn’t share the same level of assuredness.
He turned off the ignition and we were instantly surrounded by the familiar sounds of the nocturnal creatures in the marsh.
“What should we do?” I asked and we both smiled and laughed.
“We can do whatever you want. You know under different circumstances I’d take you anywhere. We wouldn’t have to do this.”
“I know,” I said signaling him to come closer. “Let’s just skip right to the good stuff.”
We undressed each other and laughed out loud at the tight space we had to work with. “How should we do this?”
I lifted my hips from the seat and slid my panties to the floor. “We’ll just have to figure it out,” I said pushing my seat back and reclining as far as it would go. I felt completely exposed and was fearful of getting caught by some nosy neighbor who saw a car driving with no headlights into the area. My mind kept imagining someone knocking on the passenger side window with a flashlight at any moment.
My heart beat in wild thumps for so many reasons. Most of which were just for him. The flesh of my sensitive torso flinched as his fingertips skimmed along my sides. He watched my reaction, evaluated my pleasure and adapted to my response.
The only way to accommodate two bodies in a narrow passenger seat was to reach one foot as far as I could up on the dash, then wedge the other between the windshield and crack of the door leaving myself wide open. An inviting landscape for him to explore. He came, he saw, he conquered. It was an acrobatic miracle that we made it to the end.
“Lascivious car sex is fun,” I said as he drove back with the headlights off along the dark lake road.
“Lascivious . . . I like that word.”
“You look pretty lascivious driving naked and pointing north. . .Why didn’t you put your clothes back on?” I laughed.
“It’s hot in here.”
I shrugged. Total guy th
ing. Okay naked and always too hot.
“You were so sexy tonight,” he said pulling over to the side of the road in the same place I got in. “I am so in love with you . . . not just for this, you know that right?”
I smiled but stayed silent for a moment, letting what he said sink in.
“I know,” I said reaching for the handle to open the door, then nodded back at him. “You should put some clothes on, what if another car passes and sees you.” I laughed and reached for his thigh.
His leg muscle flinched and his exhausted male parts retreated from my sliding hand. He scrambled to pull his boxers up then pulled me in close before I could escape.
His Caribbean eyes seemed to glow in the darkness. “Didn’t you hear me?” he said. “I love you.”
His lips smacked together in that sweet mannerism I’d come to love and expect. Mwah! I kissed two fingers, waved him away, and crept through the cool grass hugging the shoulder of the road on my way back to the cabin. Crisp midnight air dusted the stuffy scent of car sex from my hair and clothes.
Walking up the driveway I could see the fire in back was out and everyone was gone. My first thought was that they’d all made their way to another fire or perhaps even went up for last call somewhere. When I reached for the doorknob Peanut was already in full intruder mode.
“P. Shut up!” I whisper yelled through the door. My gritted teeth tried to tell him how much trouble he could get me into. But the five-pound wannabe lion barked and wagged and didn’t pick up what I was layin’ down. He just kept letting everyone know I was home. It wouldn’t matter though, when I wiggled the door knob it didn’t budge.
Fuck. Someone locked it.
No one ever locks it and I’ve never needed keys.
I sighed, hanging my head. Peanut was still barking and making everything worse. There was only one thing I could do, knock. But I didn’t need to. Peanut was doing that for me. Mom answered the door in her white night gown.
“Sorry Mom.”
“I locked the door ‘cause I never know when Dylan is going to be home.”
“I don't know either. Sorry to wake you.”
I walked into my bedroom that hadn’t changed since I was three years old. I hurried to get under the covers and end the night. Washing my face, even peeing before bed was a habit I’d lost when I was at the lake sneaking around with Grant. I felt like a teenager sneaking into my parents’ house, not getting water or using the bathroom so I wouldn’t wake anyone. When I was with him, it was all worth it. When I was alone, I just wanted my life to feel normal again.
Mom cornered me the next morning. “Where were you last night? I know you weren’t with everyone else. You came home early.” Two o’clock in the morning is early when you have a brother like mine. “Dylan didn’t get home until almost six.” Her voice was super annoyed and I think she even rolled her eyes the way she frequently did when she disapproved of his all-nighters. Which was fine with me. If she was annoyed with my older brother, she’d be too occupied to care about my goings on.
“After the fire I looked at the stars on the dock for a while.” She made a sound that told me she was unconvinced. “Momma, I don’t want to lie to you but I can’t tell you anything just yet. I promise I will when the time is right, okay?” I hoped she would take the plea bargain.
She nodded without saying anything and accepted my vague explanation. I got away as quickly as I could in case she changed her mind.
Chapter 14
Forever After-Grant
C.J. : Were you scared what our moms would think after I released AFFAIRYTALE ?
Grant: No, not really. They’re our moms.
C.J.: Good point.
Grant: Were you scared?
C.J.: With you and Dani already giving me your approval, I knew I had made peace with whatever might happen.
He’s eating and talking. It’s distracting me.
C.J.: What are you eating?
Grant: [crunching] Hummus. I made it. Do you want some? It’s roasted garlic.
C.J.: No thank you. I’m good.
Grant: I can’t find tahini. I’ve looked several times. Where do you buy it from?
C.J.: I don’t. Not anymore. I don’t love how it tastes and it’s not necessary in hummus. Not for me anyway.
He seems only partially interested in our conversation, mostly interested in his hummus.
C.J.: You really like eating don’t you.
He laughs and smiles some more. He definitely likes to eat.
C.J.: If you were forced to eat meat. If you HAD TO, what kind of meat would you eat? Pig? Cow?
He looks like he’s in anguish at my question. It makes me love him even more. To me, a man who is confident enough to not eat animals and talk candidly about it with anyone, is sexy. Especially in a world that expects men to be men—grilling, hunting, and eating extra protein.
Grant: That’s like lining up a handful of women and asking me if I had to have sex with one of them which one would I pick? I can’t even imagine being with another woman, it would be terrible. None of them. I can’t answer. My answer is none.
I love this man. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE this man.
C.J.: But you and I agree that in a survival situation we would kill and eat animals if we had to survive.
Grant: Of course.
C.J.: If that happens, I don’t think I can kill them. Can you?
He doesn’t answer me.
C.J. If we were in a survival situation and I died, would you eat my body?
Grant: I don’t know if I could.
C.J.: Of course you could. Of course you would. I’d eat you. As long as you didn’t die of a disease or something. But if you died of starvation your body would probably not have very much meat on it. I’d have to maybe suck the marrow from your bones.
Grant: Which part would you eat first?
C.J.: Your penis of course. We both laugh. No, I’d leave that alone for a while. But maybe your testicles. People eat cow nuts right? Rocky mountain oysters or something they’re called. I watched my dad eat cow nuts when I was little. We both make the universal vomit gesture. No, but really, I’d probably start with like your calf muscle or something. Maybe your butt.
Grant: I’d start with your butt too.
I realize this conversation could go down a very dirty and potentially disgusting, morbid path in which we would try to one-up each other with the most shocking statements. I re-direct.
C.J.: Was it hard to become a vegetarian?
Grant: [shrugging] No. Not really.
C.J.: Did I ever ask you to give up meat and become a vegetarian?
Grant: Of course you didn’t honey. I was almost a vegetarian before we got together anyway.
C.J.: You’ve said that before, but it’s not really true now is it?
Grant: Well I ate a lot less meat than most people, even back then.
C.J.: I know you did sweetheart, you’re wonderful. How long has it been now?
Grant: I don’t know what . . . eight years? How long has it been for you?
C.J.: Fifteen.
Grant: Wow, you’re going to live forever.
C.J.: I don’t want to live forever unless you do too. Speaking of not eating meat. I want to go to Utah to the Best Friends Animal Society and volunteer for a week. Remember we talked about this a while back? Will you be okay taking care of everything while I’m gone?
Grant: Of course. Just send me the dates.
C.J.: Will do. Can I have your credit card so I can pay for my ticket?
Of course we have a joint account and my money is his money and blah blah blah but if I put that ticket on my card then I have to pay for it out of my paycheck which is smaller than his so . . .
Grant: Yes. I’ll leave it on the counter.
C.J.: Thank you. And I also want to go to New York for a bachelorette party in May. Can I book those with your card too?
Thought I’d just slip that in there.
Grant: I thought I would take you to New York f
or the first time.
C.J.: Are you saying that ‘cause you don’t want to pay for the tickets or ‘cause you seriously want me to go with you for the first time?
Grant: [whining] I wanna go too. No, I’m just kidding. Of course I’ll book them for you, send me the dates. We can go together some other time. But we better figure out where you’re staying and make sure it’s safe. May, you said?
C.J.: It’s safe. I’ll be in a group.
This ain’t going down like the Washington trip I never went on ‘cause it might be unsafe. No way!
He begins to search airline prices for tickets to New York in May while I catch up on jotting down my notes. I think he might be trying to find a way to say no.
Grant: Holy shit tickets are like $1,200 right now. Honey we don’t have to book them right now, we have plenty of time.
Knew it.
C.J.: Grant, I need to get tickets for exact dates on an exact flight. If not, I’ll be the only one flying alone, showing up alone, on who knows what date you book, at whatever time in the universe while everyone else is eating at Cake Boss together in a group, safe. It has to be the exact date and flight. I don’t care what it costs.
Grant: Honey, I am not going to book tickets now, prices will go down closer to May.
C.J.: Like April 30th? Then you have to book it no matter what. Deal?
Grant: Yes. Of course.
C.J.: No. Not of course. I’m not kidding. If you forget and don’t write it down or this information gets lost in your head or office and you don’t book it, I will book it no matter what and I’ll book myself right into first class with your Delta card no problem.
Grant: I’ll book it I said. I mumble a few syllables of something I’ve mumbled before in these exact circumstances. I will! Now stop it. Ask your questions already.
I eye him suspiciously but I’m happy to continue now that we got that out of the way.
C.J.: What’s something you’re glad you never have to do again?
There’s tension between us.
Forever After Page 6