by RH Tucker
Emma
To say I'm on cloud nine would be an understatement. Maybe cloud ninety? Nine hundred? As soon as I reached the lunch table the day of the art show, I spilled my guts to everyone, not just Jen. I couldn't help it. I was bubbling over. Micah looked at me like a concerned older brother, while both Lana and Jen fawned and squealed with excitement. I kissed Carter! Carter kissed me! And if that wasn't enough, then he went out of his way to visit the art show. And we kissed again! It's insane, and I'm most shocked by the fact that I didn't act like a blubbering idiot. Probably because other than these past few weeks, I've only ever treated him like a sleaze-ball flirt, something I do feel a little bad about now because we're … I don't know. A thing!
Jen spends the night at my house after the art show, and then we hang out with Lana over the weekend, since her parents are out of town.
“I still can’t believe I missed it.” Lana groans while we lay out next to her pool. “Twice.”
“It’s not like we scheduled it to happen,” I say. “Hey, was Micah mad you weren’t at the show?”
Micah and I were both excited about the art show, and Lana was planning on going, but I guess she texted him last minute and told him she couldn't make it. He seemed upset the entire night. He even left the show early, only staying for half of it.
“Yes.” She lets out a frustrated sigh that seems more angry than apologetic.
“You guys good?” Jen asks.
“I don’t know. He’s just so … serious. Always painting or working on his graphic novel.” Lana keeps her eyes closed as Jen and I stare at each other. “I mean, I knew he was really into his art before we started dating, but he just seemed like the quiet and mysterious type, you know?"
“Not to mention, he is hot,” Jen says playfully.
“Jen,” I groan. Being friends with him since the beginning of high school, we’ve always had a brother/sister relationship.
“Oh, come on, Emma.” Jen swats my arm as she sits up and grabs her drink. “I know you always say he’s like a brother, and yeah, I do too. But now that you’ve got Carter Dixon’s tongue to play with, you can’t tell me Micah’s not hot.”
I scrunch my lips together. “Okay, he is attractive. In a totally platonic, sibling, kind of way.”
“Wow, Emma.” Jen wiggles her eyebrows. “I never knew you were into incest. You kinky girl, you.”
My brow furrows and my jaw drops because even for Jen, that's too much. Before I can say anything, Lana gets up from her seat and dives into the pool. Swimming over to the ledge, she reaches over for her sunglasses, crossing her arms over the ledge.
"Anyways, it's getting to be a little much now. We're eighteen—"
"Almost." I raise a finger.
"We're all almost eighteen. We only have a few months of high school left before we start college, but it's like he's already in college mode, and it's always work, work, work."
She lets out a sigh as Jen and I exchange another look. I don't think either of us has ever heard Lana say something negative about Micah, and we both know Micah adores her. Thankfully, she either doesn't feel the awkwardness or ignores it, and changes the subject.
"Enough about Micah. I want the gossip.” Lana looks over at me, as I lay back down on the pool chair. “So, you guys are, like, a couple now?”
“I don’t know.” I try not to sound confused, even though I am.
Yes, he kissed me. He's been honest and sweet with me, and he even made an effort to go to the art show, which I didn't know at the time, but I'm sure it couldn't have been easy. People were talking about their basketball loss on Facebook and Twitter the next day, and I found out that since they lost the game, they weren't making the playoffs. That has to suck. He could've just went home and tried to forget about it, but he didn't. He came and saw me. He told me I'm beautiful. It's all things a boyfriend would do, isn't it? But we didn't talk about what we are. We just … are.
“You got his number, right?” Lana asks, breaking me from my train of thought.
“No,” I grumble, more in disappointment at myself for not thinking of it.
“I’m telling you,” Jen laments, “let me just text one of his friends. I’ve been dying for a reason to get Franco’s number.”
“No!” I scold her. “I told you, I’ll just get it Monday. I don’t want to come off as clingy or needy.”
“You guys kissed. Twice. You should have his number.”
"And I will, on Monday. Which is tomorrow by the way. It's not that big of a deal."
Jen's eyes widen with anticipation. "Does this mean he's going to be sitting with us during lunch? Can you ask him to bring over some of his friends?"
I'm about to chide her again when my phone goes off. Reaching for it, I gasp as I see the notification. The only other thing that's been on my mind, other than the amazing kisses I've shared with Carter, is Baller. And not in a good way. He seems like a nice guy even if he did stand me up. But since then, he's been distant. And now with Carter, I have no idea what to tell him. But I know I have to end it. I can't keep up a secret conversation with someone I don't know if I'm going out with Carter.
BigBaller27: How’s ur weekend?
Emerald22: Good
One word answers. That's what I'll do. Just keep it short, sweet, and to the point. Hopefully, he'll get the message and just fade away. Yes, not mature at all, but I don't want to have to tell him not to text me anymore. It just seems mean.
BigBaller27: Just good? No big plans? No fun parties?
Emerald22: Nope
“Who is that?” Jen scowls at me. From her look, I know she knows.
“No one.”
“Right.”
“What? Who is it?” Lana asks.
“It’s no one.” I hold my phone tighter, hoping she gets the message.
“It’s the stand-up jerkoff.”
“You’re still texting him?” Lana asks, but it’s not as accusatory as Jen. “Would you consider that cheating?”
"What?" My eyes shoot to her. "No. Absolutely not. For one, I'm not doing anything. I don't even know him. And two, I'm trying to figure out how to end our conversations."
“Just tell him to drop dead,” Jen says.
“Jen, I—”
My phone chimes again.
BigBaller27: Ok
BigBaller27: Hey, so do u like basketball?
I gape at the screen, trying to keep my head from exploding. No, this isn't cheating. It's not. But why do I feel like I'm cheating on Carter when Baller brings up basketball? Because Carter loves basketball and now, talking about it with someone I once liked, feels … weird.
Emerald22: Why would u ask me that?
New worries sprout in my mind. Did he actually show up that day and see Carter? Does he know who I am and that Carter and I are a thing? Oh no, maybe he's one of Carter's friends.
BigBaller27: Just curious. I wanted to meet u finally. I thought we might meet at our basketball team's last game tomorrow?
No. No, this is not happening. I can’t let this happen.
Emerald22: I don’t think that’s a good idea
BigBaller27: :(
BigBaller27: Y not?
I just need to tell him. Just put it out there. He’ll understand, right?
Emerald22: Look, I liked u. But…
Emerald22: Recently I’ve been talking to someone else. I don’t think it’s a good idea if we meet anymore
BigBaller27: Damn. I guess I blew it, huh?
See? Even in that text, he doesn’t come off as spiteful. He seems cordial. Understanding. It almost freaks me out how well he’s taking it.
BigBaller27: Is he nice?
Emerald22: No
I smile, knowing exactly what I’m typing, but he replies before I can send my next text.
BigBaller27: What???
Emerald22: He’s amazing. He’s great.
A smile cements on my face, remembering Carter's kisses.
BigBaller27: I’d still really love to meet
u? Plz
Emerald22: No, I’m sorry. I don’t see the point
BigBaller27: Just to know who u r. Plz plz plz. U can even bring ur friend who threatened to kick me in the nuts. I'd just really like to meet u finally. Maybe we can just be friends
“Seriously, you need to stop texting that dill-hole.” Jen curls her lip, which makes me smile after seeing the last text he sent.
“He wants to meet.”
“You cannot be serious.”
“Do it.” Lana gives me a mischievous smile.
"No!" Jen yells at her, and I'm a little taken aback. If anything, I'd have thought Jen would be the one egging me on to meet him. "Emma, you will not meet that asshole. You're going out with Carter now."
“Am I though?”
“What?” She scoffs. “Okay, you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend.” She uses air quotes. “You may not be, like, official but I saw you guys Friday night. You’re together.”
I nod. “Yeah, you’re right. What’s wrong with me? This is so stupid.”
“But don’t you want to know who he is at least?” Lana asks.
Jen gives her a warning look, as I stare back at my phone. It's not like I don't want to know. I've wanted to know for nearly a month. But the more time has gone by, the less important it's become. My eyes jump back and forth between Jen and Lana, who seem to be the little angel and devil that sit on your shoulders. Scrolling back through our text conversation, I see my reply about Carter. How he's nice and great. I'd hate for him to find out I'm meeting someone, who I honestly don't really want to meet anymore. Then I get an idea.
Emerald22: Fine. I’ll meet u if the guy I’m talking to is okay with it.
BigBaller27: I’ll take it :)
He immediately replies, and I smile at my phone, thinking how this will be over and done with tomorrow. What guy wants his girl meeting some random guy? Then I melt a little inside, imagining Carter thinking of me as his girl.
Chapter 35
Carter
“You what?”
Emma looks at me like I drowned a bag full of kittens.
"Yeah, I think you should do it," I answer her again, doing everything humanly possible to stay calm when all I want to do is break out in hysterics.
I keep a firm grasp on her hand as we walk because even though this is all part of my plan, I don't want her to feel like I'm saying she should just randomly go off and meet some mysterious guy. I want to come off as confident like I have nothing to worry about. But the way she's looking at me, I know I need to be very careful.
After I finished eating lunch, I walked over to the quad and met up with her. Jen nearly choked on her food as I approached their lunch table. The rumors about me have died a bit, but there’s still a ton out there. The biggest one now is about the numbers of girls I asked to lie about hooking up with me. Whether she believes any of them or not, Jen still looks at me like I’m the biggest player in school, which earns me a smirk when I ask if I can sit with them.
My plan is to ask her to go to my last game, this time as me and not Baller. We head to history, and before I have a chance to ask her, she brings up the text message conversation. She seems at ease about it and is practically force feeding me reasons why she shouldn't go. Her eyes nearly fall out of their sockets, when I tell her she should meet him. My exact words are, "Yeah, that'd be cool. You should meet him."
I didn’t think my plan all the way through.
“You think I should do it?” She stops walking, looking slightly confused. “You think I should meet him?”
“Yeah. What’s the big deal? It’s just some random guy, right?”
“I guess.”
"I mean, you're not into him, are you?"
“Well, no, but …”
“But what?”
After looking down for a moment, she raises her head and meets my eyes. The hurt I saw the day she thought I stood her up is there. Damn it. If she thinks that I don't care that she goes off and meets him, she might think I don't like her that much, or at all. That I'm not even the tiniest bit jealous if she meets some guy, which is entirely false. Because if this were a real conversation, about meeting someone I didn't know, I'd probably flip my shit and want to chain myself to her. The jealousy writhes through me just thinking about it.
“Sorry.” I let go of her hand, wrapping both arms around her, pulling her closer. “I didn’t mean to sound like it isn’t a big deal. I guess I just trust you.”
“What are we?”
Her blunt question makes me raise my eyebrows. “What are we?”
“Look, I’m trying not to be that girl, but I thought you liked me. I mean, I like you, and—”
“You like me?” I cut her off with a smile.
“Yes.” She starts to blush, shaking her head. “I mean, you do like me, right?”
She looks away, but her directness is something I’ve grown fond of. I always appreciated how she seemed to say what she meant when we texted. I guess it’s easier to sound much more confident through digital words than it is through vocal ones.
I put a finger under her chin, bringing her eyes back to meet mine. I wanted to save these words for her when I finally surprised her at the game, but I can’t hold it back. I have to tell her.
“No,” I whisper. “I think I’m in love with you.”
I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting from her, but standing there frozen, is not something I thought would happen. She blinks, so I know she's not catatonic, but now I feel like I've made a colossal mistake. Maybe it's too soon. No, it's not too soon for me. I know this girl. I'm in love with this girl. Shit, what do I do?
“You what?” she says, but it’s so low I can hardly hear it.
“Sorry.” I keep my eyes locked on hers, afraid if I look away she’s going to disappear. “Was that too soon?”
"Too soon? Too Soon?" Her voice gets louder, and with each second, she's coming back to life. She looks utterly baffled. "Carter, how can … you barely know me."
“No.” I shake my head. “I know you. And you know me.”
"What are you talking about?" More of her confidence is returning, and I'm not sure if she's getting mad or annoyed. "I've known who you are, sure. But I don't know you.”
“Emma, you know better than almost anyone.”
“That doesn’t even make sense.” She pulls her hands up to my chest. It’s still a good sign that she hasn’t backed away from me, right? “Okay, you … you …” I smile as her cheeks get red. “You feel that way about me, which is a whole other topic I think we need to talk about later, but this is so confusing.”
“What?”
“If you feel like that, why are you so okay with me meeting this mystery guy. It doesn’t make any sense!”
No shit. I really need to think these things out better. My brain scrambles, trying to think of something. “Well, um, it’s my game.”
“What?”
“It’s my last game. I’ll be there. I want to see who this guy is myself.” Yeah, this could be viable. “I want you to meet him and that way, I can see who he is, and then he can see how badly he screwed up. I might not sound jealous, but that’s only because I believe in us. I’m telling you, Emma, I really—”
“Don’t say it.”
I smirk. “Like you.”
"Okay, fine. What if this guy shows up and I take one look at him, and I'm awestruck. I'm hit with love at first sight. What then?"
It's almost painful how hard I'm trying not to smile because I'd love it if that happened. If, when I finally reveal myself, she throws herself into my arms and tells me she loves me back. But no, I can't laugh or smile or even grin at her worry. I need to act like I'd be jealous. I try to think of her feeling like that for someone else, and it's easier to get into that mindset.
“Screw that,” I spit out.
“See?”
I don't know how long we've been standing by the building until the bells sounds, letting us know lunch is over, and it's time for our ne
xt class.
"Okay, am I jealous? Yes. But maybe I just don't want you doubting yourself. Like, second-guessing, or something."
“What do you mean?”
"You know, that ‘what if' mentality?" I pull her closer, and she seems a little hesitant. "I just don't want you to say, ‘what if' later." She stares at me with a befuddled expression. "Come on, we're gonna be late for class."
Chapter 36
Emma
What the hell just happened? I walk into history, and I can't stop looking across the room at Carter. First, he acted like it isn't a big deal for me to meet some guy I've been texting. He actually said it was a good idea and that I should do it. Then, he told me he loved me? What? I'm not one to shy away from love, but still! He barely knows me but insists that he does. And that I know him.
Throughout the entire conversation, my insides were twisting like a pretzel because now I'm second guessing what I'm feeling. I mean, I like him, that much I know. But is it more than that? The conversations we've had between classes and at lunch have been nice. And I can't ignore how it feels when we kiss. It's like his lips were made to fit mine.
Then I remember how I felt about Baller. We talked so much. We had no physical contact, and we didn't even see each other, but by the time I was going to meet him I was falling. Hard. That's why I was so devastated when he didn't show. If only I could combine my long conversations I had with Baller and the epic gorgeousness of Carter.
Stop being ridiculous, Emma.
Plus, I shouldn't be thinking like that, should I? That really would be like cheating, right? I look back over at Carter, as he takes notes on something Mrs. Yanick is talking about. He looks over and gives me that incredible smile. It's like he only sees me. It makes my insides go all gooey. But if that's how he feels, and if he really does love me, then why is he so calm about me meeting Baller. Ugh, it's an infinite conundrum, and all I can do is keep going around and around.