by Elena Aitken
Something had shifted. He’d seen it in her eyes at the hospital. She was scared. But for the life of him, Ben couldn’t figure out what the hell she was scared of.
Finally, when he still hadn’t heard from her after lunch, Ben filled a to-go container with Austin’s favorite chicken fingers and packed up some of Michael’s daily soup creation for Drew, and headed to her house.
Laura Frederick’s car was parked behind Drew’s and the front curtains were open.
She was home.
But it wasn’t Drew who answered the door. “Laura. Hi.” He greeted her with a huge smile. “I brought lunch.”
She smiled, but there was a smidge of—was it pity?—in it. “That was really nice of you.” She took the packages from him but didn’t make any move to step out of the way to let him in.
Ben tried to peek around her, but couldn’t see much past the hallway. He did, however, hear the familiar strains of the Transformer theme song. A cartoon he’d introduced Austin to earlier that spring on a day when Little League had been rained out and he’d been disappointed that they couldn’t practice.
“Hey, buddy,” he called out past Laura’s shoulder.
Drew’s mom gave him a look, but he saw her smile when Austin came running to the front door. “Uncle Ben!”
Ben bent down and scooped the boy into his arms before he could crash into his legs. “How’s it going, buddy? Feeling better?”
“Yes.” Austin groaned. “Mom won’t let me go out and play.” As they spoke, Ben stepped into the house as Laura gave up guarding the door, and started walking toward the kitchen.
“I think that’s probably a good idea.”
“I don’t.”
“Of course you don’t.” Ben ruffled his hair. “But moms definitely know best when it comes to stuff like this. Besides, watching Transformers doesn’t sound so bad.”
Austin pulled back from his hug and looked at Ben in the eye. “Will you watch with me?”
Ben’s eyes landed on Drew standing in front of the kitchen sink. She had her back turned to him, her head dropped down. His heart clenched at the sight of her. Something was definitely wrong.
“Maybe in a little bit,” he said to the boy. “I’d really like to talk to your mom for a second, okay?”
Austin nodded and wriggled out of Ben’s arms.
“Come on,” Laura said to the boy. “Grandma will let you eat these on the couch.” She held up the to-go container Ben had packed and grinned. They both glanced toward Drew to wait for her protest, but it never came.
With a shrug and a slight shake of her head in Ben’s direction, Laura ushered Austin into the other room, leaving them alone.
Ben waited a beat and when he couldn’t stand it any longer, he stepped closer to Drew and put his hand on her shoulder. “Drew, I—”
She turned around and the emotion on her face took the words from his mouth.
“Sweetheart? What’s…what’s going on?”
He reached for her, but she stepped to the side. She shook her head slightly and a tear slipped down her cheek. “I can’t do this, Ben. You should go.”
“You can’t do what?” He looked around. “Austin’s fine. You must be exhausted and I—”
“No.” She shook her head again and wiped at her face. “You don’t understand. This was a mistake.”
Her words were a blow to the gut, and Ben struggled not to react physically. “None of this is a mistake, Drew. None of it.”
She wrapped her arms around her waist. “It is. It was,” she corrected herself. “I can’t do it. It’s too much.”
“What’s too much?” He had to force himself to control his voice, but he didn’t care. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what was happening and what she was trying to say to him. Because if Drew was trying to say what he thought she was, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. And he didn’t believe it. Not for a minute. She was tired. She was emotional. She didn’t know what—
“All of it.”
She turned again and took a step back, but there was no way Ben was just going to stand there and let her push him away. “Talk to me, Drew.” He reached for her and reflexively, she softened a little under his touch, but it only lasted a moment before she stiffened again.
“Please, Ben. This is already hard enough. Can you please go?”
“No.” He shook his head. “Not until you talk to me. There is no way that after what we shared that—”
She whirled around. “It was a mistake. All of it. I need you to understand that.”
Ben stared at her for a moment, wishing he could think of the words that would make her see that she didn’t need to push him away. “You don’t have to do this, Drew. You don’t have to push me away.”
Tears streamed unchecked down her cheeks now and it was all he could do not to wipe them for her. His heart ached, watching what she was putting herself through. What she was putting them through.
“Drew, I—”
“You don’t get it.” She raised her voice. “I can’t do it again. I can’t lose him…and you.” Her chest heaved as a sob escaped her. “Being in that hospital…seeing Austin…you…I just can’t. I wish I could, but…you have to go.”
When he didn’t move, she shoved him and practically yelled, “Go! Get out!”
Ben reeled from everything she’d said and more, everything she hadn’t said.
He opened his mouth, but closed it again when he realized there was nothing more to say. Not until she realized what she was hiding from herself.
He moved to leave, but before he could take a step toward the door, turned back to look at her. He took the chance of touching her again and cupped her chin gently as he spoke from the deepest part of his heart. “I love you, Drew.” He spoke the words softly. “More than life itself and I know you know that. But know this, too. I’m not going anywhere. Not ever. You can push me as hard as you can, but you can’t move me. You’re scared, that’s all. But the only thing you really need to be scared of is closing your heart to the love that I know you feel because you’re afraid of what could happen. You lost Eric, and it was terrible and awful and you didn’t think you could survive it, but you did.”
He knew he was pushing it, but it all needed to be said, and if he didn’t say it right then, he feared he would never have the chance. So he kept going. “You know damn well that Eric wouldn’t want you to run from this. You know it, Drew.” She closed her eyes, but the tears kept streaming down her face. “Because you know the truth, just as he did. None of us know the future. Not one of us knows what could happen tomorrow or the next day. And every day you waste by running is a day you might as well already be…” Her eyes opened then and all the words vanished. Ben stroked her chin with his thumb, tears filling his own eyes. “Don’t do this, Drew.”
She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. For a moment, Ben was certain he’d gotten through to her. But then she opened them and whispered, “Please go.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“I don’t care what you say, Drew.” Amber opened Drew’s bedroom closet and started sifting through the hangers. It had been two weeks since Austin had ended up in the hospital. He’d made a full recovery from his ear infection and with summer winding down, was going to go back to school soon. But before he did, there was the Timber Creek Challenge to complete, and there was no way Amber was going to let Drew sneak her way out of it. “You’re doing the race. We all are.”
When they’d found out that Ben had signed up Drew and Austin for the race, most of their friend group had signed up as well. It was supposed to have been a fun day. But judging by her friend’s reaction to Amber barging into her bedroom, Amber was going to have her work cut out for her if Drew was going to have any fun.
On the bed, where she was hiding from her best friend, Drew let out a groan. “It’s not a good idea.”
“It’s the best idea.” Amber gave up looking at the clothes hanging up and started opening drawers of the dresser. “Where a
re your workout clothes?”
“What workout clothes?”
Amber laughed before she realized Drew wasn’t joking. “Seriously? Like you never went to spin class or anything in Nevada?”
“I went for a run a few months ago.”
Drew shrugged.
“And you haven’t been training for this race?”
The Timber Creek Challenge was designed to be more than a five-kilometer fun run. The organizers also filled it full of obstacles like a wall climb, some sort of mud pit that Amber didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about, and other crazy things that would take teamwork to complete. After they’d agreed to it, Logan and Amber had worked in some basic training into their daily schedule, which for them meant a few light runs on the trails around the ranch, coupled with their usual chores with the horses, and maybe just one or two more bedroom workouts than usual.
“No,” Drew said. “Because I’m not doing it.”
“You are.” Amber emerged from the depth of a drawer with a t-shirt that would work. She stood and threw it to Drew. “It’s for Austin and you know it. It’s on the Bro List.”
Again, Drew groaned, but Amber ignored it. She’d had just about enough of her best friend moping around since everything had gone down with Ben. Not that Amber understood it. No one did. And they’d all tried to talk to Drew about it, both together and separately, but still no one was able to understand exactly what had happened between them or why Drew had pushed him away so hard and fast. They’d seemed happy. Really happy, which was all they wanted for their friend—to find happiness again.
But then it was over.
And nobody but Drew seemed to understand why. Even Ben—especially Ben—struggled to understand how everything had gone so sideways. After a night out with the boys, Logan had come home and reported to Amber that Ben was upset, but also strangely calm. “She needs to work through it. But she will,” was all Ben had said to the guys.
But whatever it was that Ben thought Drew needed to work through, as far as Amber was concerned, she hadn’t been working through much of anything. Instead, she’d thrown herself into her work and when she wasn’t working, she moped around. It was almost worse than when Amber had been there for her after Eric died.
No.
It was worse than that, because as far as Amber could see, Drew’s pain and heartache had been completely preventable and brought on by herself.
“Here.” Amber threw a pair of cotton shorts at her. “These will work. Get dressed. We leave in five.”
She moved to leave the room when she noticed Drew still hadn’t moved. “Drew,” Amber said with more force than before. “I’m serious. I’m not letting you get out of this.”
Drew shook her head and pulled her knees up to her chest. “I can’t do it, Amber. I can’t see him.”
“You can and you will. Because it’s not about you, Drew. This is about Austin. So if you can’t get past it yourself, think of him and how all of this has affected him.” She felt a little bad trying to guilt Drew with her son, but desperate times… Besides, the poor kid had already lost his dad; she wasn’t going to sit by and let him lose another important man in his life just because his mom was being stubborn.
“I know it’s about Austin, but…you just don’t understand, Amber.” She shook her head and dropped it to her knees.
With a sigh, Amber sat on the bed and scooted closer to her friend. “You’re right,” she said, forcing herself not to get frustrated. “I don’t understand, Drew. Not even a little bit. When Eric died, I got it. I mean, I really got it. But this…” She took a deep breath. “I don’t get it. Ben loves you and if I had to guess, I’d say you loved him, too. A lot.”
Drew looked up, her eyes swimming in tears. “I do.”
“Okay.” Amber raised her eyebrows. “So I’m going to be blunt now.” Drew shrugged. “Then what the hell are you doing putting yourself through this hell? Because I know it’s not about what other people think. And I know it’s not about concern for what Eric would think. We’ve talked about all of that and I know you’re at peace with all of that.” She shifted so she faced Drew head on. “So please tell me what this is all about, Drew.”
“I’m so scared,” Drew said after a moment. Tears streaked her cheeks as she spoke. “I can’t lose someone else. I just can’t.”
“You’re not going to lose anyone else.”
“You don’t know that.” Drew dropped her legs and crossed them so she could sit straight up. “When I saw my baby in the hospital, it all just got really real. I love Austin more than anything else in this world and—”
“You’re not going to lose Austin,” Amber interrupted. “It was an ear infection.”
“But it could be something serious next time,” Drew challenged. “When Eric got sick and went to the doctor, we never thought it was cancer. And then we just knew he’d beat it. But he didn’t, Amber. That could happen again.”
“Yes,” Amber admitted. “It could.”
“Well, I can’t do it again.” Drew crossed her arms like a stubborn child. “I can’t love someone that much and lose them again. With Austin, it’s different. But with Ben, I can choose.”
“Can you?” Amber laughed. “Can you really choose to stop loving him?” Drew was glaring at her, but she didn’t care. “How’s that working out for you, Drew? Because I don’t see anyone around here who has stopped loving anyone else. Nope, what I see is a woman who is torturing herself and everyone else around her because she’s too bloody stubborn to admit to herself that sometimes when you love, you get hurt. And sometimes when you open your heart, everything works out beautifully and you get your happy-ever-after and sometimes shitty things happen and the one thing you can’t do is predict any of it. But you love anyway, because a life without love is pointless.”
Amber jumped to her feet. “You can’t prevent something bad from happening, Drew. But the one thing you do have the power to prevent is living a half-life. So get your ass out of bed, get dressed and get out there because we have a race to run.”
It had been two weeks since Ben had walked out of Drew’s house, but he certainly hadn’t walked out of her life. Not as far as he was concerned. She was pushing him and testing him, but he’d meant it when he told her he wasn’t going to move.
“You’re pretty sure she’s coming?” Evan and Mark—dressed in their Team New Dad shirts that read This IS my dad bod on the back—found Ben standing by the race registration desk. With both of their wives busy with their new babies, the two friends decided to team up together for the Timber Creek Challenge. Not that Ben had expected any of them to sign up for the race, but when he told Evan about the Bro List and that he’d signed Drew, Austin, and himself up, news traveled until almost their entire group was registered.
Ben knew they all had their own reasons for racing, but he also knew Eric would have been happy to see them all doing it together. He would have loved competing in an event like this one when they were kids.
“She’s coming.” Ben wished he was as confident as he sounded because the truth was, as much as Amber had promised she’d get Drew there, he couldn’t be sure. He twisted the shirts he was holding tighter in his hands.
“I like the shirts,” Mark said with a head nod. “Very cool.”
The day he’d registered them for the race, Ben had ordered the t-shirts as well. They were bright green and on the front they had Team Bro List emblazoned in black block letters. On the back of his: For my bro. On Austin’s: For my dad. And on Drew’s: For my husband.
He’d ordered them before he told her he loved her. Before he felt that love from her in return and before she’d pushed him away. But it didn’t matter. Ben had never been threatened by what Drew had shared with Eric. It had been and would always be real. But he also knew that what he shared with her was just as real. Love wasn’t finite.
“I think she’ll like them,” Ben said to Mark.
“She’ll love them.”
“Love what
?” Austin flew out of nowhere and as he always did, wrapped his arms around Ben’s legs. He was getting bigger and stronger and it wouldn’t be long before Austin was able to tackle him completely to the ground.
“Hey, buddy.” Ben bent and scooped up his nephew, giving him a big squeeze. “I’ve missed you. Are you ready for this?” He changed the subject before Austin could ask where he’d been. He was an observant kid and although Ben made sure to see the boy regularly, his visits had definitely dropped in frequency since Drew asked him to leave.
“For sure,” Austin answered before wiggling out of Ben’s arms. “Cool shirt.”
“I got you one, too.” Ben held it out for him and read the words to Austin. “Like it?”
“It’s great.” It was Drew who answered and when Ben stood up, she was standing in front of him. Their friends had pulled a quick and quiet Houdini and were gone.
“Hi,” he said to her. What he really wanted to do was pull her into his arms and show her exactly how much he’d missed her every second for the last two weeks. Instead, he handed her the shirt. “Here’s yours.”
Ben watched as she held it up and read the back. Instead of a tear, she smiled. “It’s perfect, Ben. Thank you. Really.”
“I’m going to go check out the park,” Austin announced.
Ben looked to see him already wearing his bright-green shirt, running toward the playground and the other kids the moment Drew gave him the okay.
“He’s going to run out of energy before the race even starts.” Ben laughed.
“Somehow I’m pretty sure that would be impossible.” Drew chuckled too, but her smile faded and her face grew serious. “Look, Ben, I wanted to—”
He held up a hand to stop her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, and so much he wanted to hear her say, but Ben knew if they started talking they might not stop, or it wouldn’t end the way he wanted and needed it to. “We have a race to run,” he said. “It’s important.”