“No one wants to watch the person they love be in pain and not be able to do something about it,” Mandy said. “Which is why I feel so bad for Joe Bob right now. Some things people have to do alone. Do you ever listen to the Grateful Dead?”
“Uh, no,” Josh said. “And how did Jerry Garcia get in this conversation?”
Mandy giggled. “Phil loves the Grateful Dead. They’re his favorite band, so I’ve been trying to learn about their music. They sing this song called Ripple. Part of the lyrics go, ‘There is a road, no simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night. And if you go, no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone.’”
“But that’s just it, Mandy,” he said miserably, “I don’t want her to walk alone ever again.”
Mandy reached over and took his hand. “No, honey,” she said, “you want her to walk that path and have it lead right to you. Otherwise, you’re not ever going to know that she really will stay.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jenny has lived her whole life with one foot out the door,” Mandy said seriously. “Leaving is what she does.”
“Is it always going to be like this?” he asked. “Am I always going to have to be afraid I’ll do something to set her off and she’ll be gone?”
“I honestly don’t know,” Mandy said. “And I guess that’s something you better think about, but for right now, she’s not leaving. She’s staying. And that’s huge.
“Okay,” he said. “I don’t like it, but okay.”
Mandy smiled. “Maybe this little weekend project of mine will be as good for you as it will be for Joe.”
Josh snorted and shook his head. “I don’t guess they make a bigger model of that play set, do they?”
By 4 o’clock Friday afternoon Josh was glad the answer to his question about a bigger play set had been no. He and Joe had managed to bolt about 75% of the structure together while Jake built a perimeter around the playground with railroad ties.
All three men stood and stretched when they caught sight of Kate and Dusty Jackson mounted on Bracelet and Dixie riding toward them.
Josh took a bandana out of his back pocket, and removing his hat, mopped at the sweat soaking his brow. “I swear to God,” he said, watching the two riders approaching, “does Texas just specialize in hatching out tall, beautiful women?”
“You wouldn’t say that if Katie was in earshot,” Joe laughed.
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Josh agreed. “I like my head attached to my shoulders. But would you just look at those two? Damn.”
“I can’t do anything but look at Katie,” Jake said happily.
“Oh, come on,” Joe said. “Katie’s a looker, but I’m married to the prettiest Lockwood girl.”
“Not a chance,” Josh chimed in. “Jenny’s the pretty one.”
The three men looked at each other and burst out laughing. “We’ve all got it pretty bad, boys,” Josh said. “Or damned good. I can never quite figure out which.”
By then Kate and Dusty were close enough to hear the end of his sentence. “Figure out what, Josh Baxter?” she asked, reining Bracelet to a stop.
“Lockwood women,” he said, looking up at her.
“Good luck with that,” she said genially, looking over his head at the work site. “You fellers are making good progress. Baby Sister does think big, I’ll give her that.”
“Where are you two headed?” Jake asked, stepping up beside Bracelet and putting his hand on Kate’s knee.
She reached down and entwined her fingers with his. “Phil Baxter is supposed to get here late tonight,” she said. “Dusty wants to take some soil samples for potential vineyard spots and I want to look at a couple of places down by the river that might work for Phil’s cabin. We decided to combine all that with a ride.”
“Hi, Dusty,” Joe said, taking off his hat. “It’s good to see you.”
“Little Joe Bob Mason!” Dusty grinned, throwing one leg over the saddle horn and sliding off Dixie’s back. As soon as her boots hit the dirt she gave Joe a big hug. “You grew up!” she said.
Joe blushed. “I didn’t know if you’d remember me,” he said.
“You were always sitting on that big ole stool behind the cash register at the hardware store waiting on people when you were just a little boy,” Dusty said. “How could I forget you? I hear you’re the mayor now. Congratulations. That’s fantastic.”
“Thank you,” he said. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to say hello until now. The City Council meeting ran late last night or I would have stopped by. Mandy was awful put out with me.”
“Wives are supposed to be put out with their husbands, Joe Bob,” Dusty said. “It’s part of the deal.”
“How long do you think you all will be down at the river?” Josh asked Kate.
“Probably an hour or two, why?”
“I was thinking maybe we ought to fire up the grill, ice down some beer, and recuperate from all this honest labor. You ladies in?”
“Good by me,” Dusty said, getting back in the saddle.
“Me, too,” Kate said.
“I’ll call Jenny and we’ll get everything going,” Josh said. “We’re just going to finish the climbing wall and then we’ll quit for the day.”
“The climbing wall?” Kate asked incredulously. “For a couple of eight-year-olds?”
Josh shrugged. “What can I say. Mandy had her credit card out and her laptop open. You know where it went from there.”
Kate shook her head, “Lord God, do I ever.”
By the time the group assembled around the pool at 6:30, the men had managed to shower and change clothes, and Phil Baxter had arrived from his long drive in from Marfa.
Jenny joined them, and the talk under the cabana was relaxed as Joe and Josh grilled steaks and vegetable kabobs that Phil obligingly assembled for himself.
Joe was in a much better mood after talking to Mandy for half an hour. She and the girls were happily settled in their room at the Galleria and were headed out for supper, ice cream, and what Mandy referred to as “retail therapy.”
She was delighted to discover Joe wasn’t by himself, and even more thrilled that he was enthusiastic about the playground, which would come as a complete surprise to Sissy and Missy on Sunday night.
Kate was pleased to see Dusty relaxed and at ease with everyone, regaling the group with mildly off-color stories from her rodeo days. Even Phil, who was clearly a shy man by disposition, joined in the laughter and was enticed to discuss his plans for his new home on the ranch.
When the talk among the men turned to solar gadgetry and wind turbines, Kate gave Dusty and Jenny the high sign and the three of them migrated to the double yard swing at the other end of the patio.
Kate and Jenny settled into one side with Dusty opposite them. “Boys and their toys,” Dusty said, taking a swig of her beer. She looked out over the pasture in the dimming light, and said, “Damn, I sure have missed this old country.”
“That’s how I felt the first night I was back from New York City,” Jenny said. “No matter how hard I tried or how far I went, I never could get Texas out of my soul.”
“I remember how you used to paint landscapes,” Dusty said. “You always could capture the beauty of the countryside, no matter how rough it was.”
Jenny sighed. “I was so angry at Daddy, I never wanted to admit how much the Rocking L means to me, but there’s no denying this business of land being in the blood, even if that does sound ridiculously old fashioned.”
“It’s good old fashioned,” Kate said, propping her boot up on the opposite seat and giving them a little push.
“Aren’t we all kind of young to be sitting in a porch swing drinking and reminiscing about the land?” Dusty laughed.
“We’re not on a porch,” Kate observed mildly.
“Oh, so there’s a special dispensation for freestanding swings?” Dusty grinned.
“Yep,” she said. “We are a hell of a long way off from being old. And thin
gs are finally quieting down around here.”
Jenny groaned. “Oh, dear God, Kate. I wish you wouldn’t do that!”
“Do what?” Kate asked.
“Say things are calming down around here!”
“Why?”
“Because every time you do, all hell breaks loose.”
97
In their hotel room at the Galleria, Mandy sat in the semi-darkness watching Sissy and Missy sleep. Both girls were completely exhausted, but anxious to be up and out the next morning.
Several of Mandy’s girlfriends would be joining them for breakfast and shopping. The twins were so eager for the new day to start, they went to bed without their usual round of arguments for “just 30 minutes more.”
Although Mandy had managed to doze for a while, she was wide-awake now. Quietly she removed a leather-bound journal from her bag, and, taking out a pen, she began to write.
“Hi, Jolene. I’m in Houston with the girls shopping for school clothes, but you know that already, don’t you? I can feel you watching over us. I miss you so much, honey. That’s why I started this journal, so I can talk to you and tell you about how the girls are doing and about how I’m doing.
“You knew I’d pull it together for them, didn’t you? I’m glad you didn’t know about me losing the baby. You’d have been so worried about me. I’m awful mad at God, Jolene. He let you survive cancer and then kills you in a car accident? I don’t understand that.
“I don’t want to say that to anyone because it doesn’t seem right to be mad at God, but I think God’s big enough to take it, so I just go right ahead and tell Him it was a crappy thing to do. The ladies at the church would say I’m going to get struck by a lightning bolt, but since it already feels like I have, I really don’t care.
“It’s so strange being back here in Houston. I never could have left all this and gone back to the ranch if it hadn’t been for you helping me, and now I can’t imagine being anywhere but the ranch. But, Jolene, I still need you so much.
“I just don’t understand why you had to die. It makes no sense to me. Nothing makes a lot of sense right now but these girls of yours, so maybe that’s why I have them. So we can all survive together.
“My real daddy, Phil, is going to be living with us on the Rocking L. He’s there now and Katie is helping him pick a place to build a new cabin. But then I owe that to you, too, don’t I, honey? God. I can’t believe you went to all that trouble to check Phil out before you let me know about him just so I wouldn’t get hurt.
“I don’t sleep much now, Jolene, and when I do, I have bad dreams. I know everybody is worried about me, but I just don’t have all the pieces put together in my head yet. I’m hoping you can help me with that the way you always have.”
Mandy blinked back the tears filling her eyes and looked out over the lights of the city. Since Jolene’s death, a great yawning hole filled the center of her world, just the way Jenny had told her it would.
It wasn’t that Joe was trying to pressure her. He just wanted everything to be okay. And, well, she wasn’t ready for it to be okay just yet. She looked back down at the page, sighed, and began to write again.
Sleep was an elusive commodity for all the Lockwood women that night. While Mandy sat awake in Houston, Kate slipped out of her bedroom, leaving Jake peacefully asleep and made her way to the study where she lit a kerosene lantern and picked up a book.
Jenny was working late in the studio. And Josh, who was also unable to sleep, was in the barn putting together some of the hardware for the playground. When Jenny glanced up and saw that it was 2 a.m., she decided she’d better retrieve him, since he’d told Joe and Jake they’d be starting work at 6 a.m.
She slipped out of her studio and silently crossed the yard, coming into the barn without attracting Josh’s attention. He was bent over Langston’s old workbench fiddling with some piece of hardware that clearly wasn’t responding.
Jenny smiled, pausing in the shadows to watch him work, only to stifle a gasp when suddenly, and without warning, he barked, “Goddamn it all to hell!” Pushing the stool back roughly, he stood up and threw the recalcitrant project in his hands across the open space where it hit a stack of cans that came clattering down.
“Son of a bitch,” Josh swore, kicking the stool over and stomping toward the rolling cans.
Jenny shrank back into the shadows, her heart in her throat. She stood frozen watching the man she thought she knew continue to swear and slam things around, his anger only seeming to build.
This couldn’t be happening. Not with Josh. He was patient. And kind. He didn’t raise his voice. And then a single thought pierced the roiling confusion in her mind, frozen with its icy clarity. Neither had Robert Marino in the beginning.
Oh dear God, no, she prayed. I’ve let it happen again.
Jenny’s rational mind told her Josh was just tired. He’d been working hard all day. He’d promised Mandy the playground would be finished. He was just frustrated. But every time she had a reasonable thought, the sound of another crash reverberated from inside the barn sending her heart rate even higher.
Her thoughts flashed on Langston’s hand twenty years before, drawn back to strike her. And then it was Robert’s hand; the blow that broke her jaw.
Jenny backed out of the barn. What was she going to do? Where was she going to go? And then she saw the light on in Kate’s study.
Normally Jenny wouldn’t go to the ranch house when Jake was there, but if the light was on in that room, Kate was up reading, and Jenny needed her sister desperately in that moment.
The front door was unlocked. Jenny moved down the hallway not bothering to conceal her footsteps. When she paused at the door of the study, Kate looked up. “What are you doing . . .” She stopped in mid-sentence, stood up, and went to Jenny.
“What is it, honey?” she asked. “You’re white as a ghost. My God. You’re trembling. Are you okay?”
For just an instant Jenny started to tell Kate the truth, but that old warning voice in her head stopped her. “I . . . I had a nightmare,” she stuttered. “About Daddy.”
Kate immediately drew her into a hug. “Why didn’t you wake Josh up?” she asked.
“He’s tired,” Jenny mumbled against her sister’s shoulder. “He worked hard all day. I . . . I went into the studio to work it off and then I saw your light on and . . . I’m . . . I’m sorry . . . I know Jake is here . . . but . . .”
“Shhh,” Kate soothed her. “Don’t be silly. It doesn’t matter if Jake is here or not. Him being around doesn’t change anything. Come on, come sit down.”
Jenny allowed herself to be lead to a chair. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I’m just being silly.”
Kate opened a cabinet at the back of the room and took out a bottle of brandy and two snifters. She poured them each a generous portion. She put her own glass down beside her chair and then pressed the other into Jenny’s hands. “Drink this,” she ordered.
Doing as she was told, Jenny sipped the liquor, closing her eyes as it hit her system and sent a flood of warmth out through her nerves.
When she opened her eyes, Kate was kneeling in front of her. “Better?” Kate asked.
“Yes,” Jenny nodded. “Thank you.”
Kate pulled her chair closer and sat down. “What was the dream?” she asked.
“It was about that night,” Jenny lied. “The night Daddy broke the mirror.”
“Ah,” Kate said, picking up her glass and swirling the brandy before taking a sip herself. “Langston Lockwood at his finest.”
Jenny took another drink and then said, looking down, “I still can’t stand it when somebody throws things.”
Kate frowned. “Have you been around somebody throwing something?” she asked.
“No,” Jenny said hastily. “I’m just saying I don’t like it. I think people who do that can be violent. Don’t you?”
Kate considered the statement. “Honey,” she said, “I’m not going to tell you I’ve neve
r thrown down a tool in frustration. Not everybody is like Daddy or like Robert Marino. What’s this really about?”
“Nothing,” Jenny said. “It was just a bad dream.”
“You’re lying to me,” Kate said calmly. “And you’re still not very good at it.”
“Do you think Josh has a temper?” Jenny asked.
Kate leaned forward. “Did the two of you have a fight?”
“No,” Jenny said, meeting her sister’s eyes so Kate would know she was telling the truth. “We didn’t. I just want to know. Do you think he has a temper?”
“I’ve seen him get annoyed,” Kate admitted. “That day you went off up to Baxter’s Draw by yourself he unloaded most of a trailer full of feed by himself to work off his frustration.”
“Does he have a temper like Daddy’s?” Jenny asked in small voice.
“Jenny,” Kate said. “What the hell happened?”
“Nothing,” Jenny said, a little too sharply. “Answer me.”
“I have never seen any evidence that Josh Baxter is remotely like Daddy in any way,” Kate said. “Why do you ask?”
Jenny put down her glass and stood up. “I’m just being silly,” she said. “I need to go.”
She turned to leave, but Kate caught her arm. “What are you not telling me?”
In reply, Jenny threw her arms around Kate’s neck. “I love you, Katie,” she whispered fiercely. “Please don’t ever forget that.”
“Okay, now you’re scaring me,” Kate said, holding her. “What in the hell is going on?”
“Just let me get some sleep. Okay?” Jenny said. “I’ll come talk to you in the morning. I promise. And thank you.”
Kate’s eyes were filled with concern, but she knew better than to try to force a confidence from Jenny. “Okay, but you be here first thing. You hear me?”
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