“Hey,” he said in mock protestation. “If you were dead in that cave, I was gonna be dead, too, you know.”
Kate regarded him with sparkling eyes. “Pick. Dead in a cave-in, or alive and forced to explain to Jenny how you let me get myself killed?”
“Dead,” he said immediately. “Stone cold, irrevocably, dead.”
The memory of the exchange brought a smile to Jake’s lips. He understood and accepted something that he thought Josh had grasped as well. You don’t just get one Lockwood woman, you get them all.
Pulling up in front of the Josh’s house, Jake heard the sound of a chainsaw. He followed the whining buzz until he found Josh, dripping sweat, working to clear out the brush invading the yard around one of the now empty guest cabins.
Jake maneuvered in front of Josh, who shut off the chainsaw when he realized he wasn’t alone. The two men regarded each other silently. Then Josh said, “I kinda let the place go to hell the last few months.”
“Want some help?” Jake offered.
Josh put down the saw, took out his bandana, removed his hat, and wiped his brow. “You didn’t come over here to help me cut brush.”
“No,” Jake said, “but the offer is still good.”
“How about we have a beer together instead?”
“Also a good offer,” Jake smiled.
He fell in beside Josh as they walked back toward the house. After a few steps, Josh said, “I was out of line the other night in Mandy’s kitchen. I shouldn’t have talked about you and Katie like that. I apologize.”
“Apology accepted,” Jake said, “but if you ever do it again, I’ll put you on your ass.”
“Fair enough.”
When they reached the porch, Josh said, “Have a seat.” He stepped inside, returning with a longneck in each hand. Passing one of the bottles to Jake, he took his own seat and asked, “Did Katie find her?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re not going to tell me where they are,” Josh said bitterly, not bothering to make his words a question.
“No,” Jake replied calmly, “I’m not.”
Josh shook his head. “I swear to God, being around those women is like trying to get into a damned cult.”
Choosing to ignore the remark, Jake asked, “Don’t you even want to know how Jenny is?”
“Of course, I want to know how Jenny is,” Josh barked. “I’d like to ask her the damn question myself, that’s all.”
Jake took a pull on his beer and waited, silently making his point that he would not continue unless the course of the conversation changed. Finally Josh gave in. “How is Jenny?” he asked, in a weary, but normal tone of voice.
“She’s fine,” Jake said. “Glad that Katie is there. They’re going to take a few days to decompress and talk. They both need it.”
Josh set his jaw in a stubborn line. “What about what I need?” he asked heatedly. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t even know she was there. I’m being punished for something I would never have done in front of her.”
“Maybe that’s part of the problem,” Jake said mildly.
“What are you talking about?” he demanded.
Jake sighed. “Josh, honestly, if you have a temper, you have a temper. Did you really think you could live with a woman as high-headed as Jenny and that would never come out?”
“Of course not,” Josh said, “I thought we’d get to a point where she knew it didn’t matter.”
“Then you’re not as smart as I thought you were,” Jake said.
Josh turned to him in surprise. “What are you talking about?”
“I shouldn’t have to tell you this,” Jake said, “but you’re not dealing with a 17-year-old girl who just up and decided to leave home because she didn’t like Daddy’s rules. You’re dealing with a grown, intelligent woman. Jenny knows damn good and well she over-reacted and she’s taking the time to look at that and really understand what it means.”
“What it means is that she’s going to dump me,” Josh said in a pained voice, “and you know it.”
Jake shook his head. “We aren’t in high school, Josh,” he said. “These are not ordinary women we’ve taken up with.”
Josh started to say something, thought better of it, and shut his mouth.
“And they’re not crazy, if that’s what you were getting ready to say,” Jake said. “They’re survivors of long-term verbal abuse, and in Jenny’s case, physical abuse. If you’re not up to dealing with that, then you shouldn’t be with her.”
“But that’s just it!” Josh said. “I have done nothing but deal with it. I’ve been as patient and kind and good as I know how to be and nothing is ever enough. And then there’s this whole sister thing. Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Do I wish Kate would talk to me the way she talks to Jenny?” Jake asked. “Of course, I do. But the relationships women have with one another, much less with their sisters, are pretty unfathomable to us Neanderthals regardless. I can promise you, however, that being jealous of the bond these women share will get you absolutely nowhere.”
Josh drained his beer and set the empty bottle down on the rough porch boards. He sat with his arms on his knees, hands dangling loosely. “That’s easy for you to say,” he muttered.
“And why is that?” Jake asked.
“I’m not going to answer that,” Josh said, “because I don’t want to be put on my ass.”
Jake laughed. “Just don’t insult the woman and I won’t need to do that. What is it you’re wanting to say about Kate?”
Josh sighed. “It’s easy for you to be all understanding when you’re with the mother superior of the outfit.”
At that Jake did laugh, until tears ran down his cheeks. Josh sat up and looked at him, consternation drawing the corners of his mouth down. “What in the hell do you think is so damned funny?”
“The idea that Kate Lockwood is a nun,” he said, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes. “I assure you, Josh, Katie is all red-blooded woman and she’s no mother superior. Come on, stop it, the two of you are friends. This isn’t her fault. Admit it. You wanted her to fix this for you, too, and you’re mad because she can’t.”
A guilty look crossed Josh’s face. “She fixes everything else,” he said sourly.
“No,” Jake said, regaining his composure. “She doesn’t. She does the best she can to make things better for her sisters because she’s been taking care of them since she was 15 years old. When they were away from here, the loneliness almost killed her. Oh, sure, she had her own ranch. She bred champion animals. But she was drying up inside, removing herself from life and the world, going brittle. Do you honestly think she ran after Jenny to fix things for her?”
“Didn’t she?” Josh asked.
“No, you moron,” Jake said in exasperation. “The only two people who can fix what happened that night in the barn are you and Jenny. Katie went after her sister because the thought of being without her again is like a knife in her gut. You all think Katie is this pillar of strength, the source of all answers, some wise and all-knowing creature. Where the hell do you think she gets that strength?”
“I just assumed she was born with it,” Josh answered.
“Well, you assumed wrong,” Jake said. “Langston Lockwood hurt her, too. She actually loved the old bastard. She wanted his approval, and she sure as hell wasn’t going to get it defending her sisters, but she loved them too much to turn a blind eye to his abuses. You know the story about the mirror?”
Josh nodded.
“What you don’t know is that Katie was absolutely terrified when she stepped in front of Jenny that night. Langston was 6’6” and built like a bull. Katie was reed thin when she was that age. She told me soaking wet she didn’t weigh 120 lbs. He could have snapped her like a twig.”
“I never thought about that,” Josh admitted.
“Clearly,” Jake said. “Do you honestly think for one minute that I’m going to be angry or get jealous of two women who gr
ew up in the same foxhole? Kate and Jenny took the worst of it to protect Mandy. Thank God that Langston was crazy enough to think she was Alice Browning reincarnated. Think about what his rages would have done to Mandy if she’d taken the full force of his insanity.”
Josh leaned back in his chair, took off his hat, and put it down beside his beer bottle. “I can’t do it, Jake,” he said simply. “I can’t fight Langston Lockwood’s ghost any more.”
“Then you don’t belong with one of his daughters,” Jake said flatly. “Because that man walks the Rocking L today as surely as he did when he was alive. He’s not in charge anymore, but he’s there all the same. They can’t help being who they are, Josh. And frankly? Growing up the way they did? They’re pretty damned remarkable.”
Josh shook his head. “I never said they weren’t, but I can’t live being afraid that every little thing I say or do is going to set Jenny off and make her rabbit. She either trusts me, or she doesn’t, and it’s looking to me like ‘doesn’t’ wins.”
“I can’t speak to that,” Jake said, “but I do know that Jenny is no coward. She’ll come talk to you when she gets back, and you have to stop acting the way you have these last few days and have a reasonable conversation with her. I know you’re hurt, but lashing out like this is not the answer.”
Josh nodded, but said nothing.
“Do you still want to work with me at the Institute?” Jake asked.
“I’d like to, but I don’t know how that will all play out,” Josh said. “That’s why I’m clearing things off around here. Figured I’d go back to hosting photo weekends. I still get plenty of requests.”
“No matter what happens,” Jake said, “I think that’s a good idea. You want some help hauling off that brush?”
Josh looked down at the rough planks of the porch. “Thanks,” he said. “I’ve been . . . well, I’ve gotten used to being around everyone over at the Rocking L.”
“Me and your Uncle Phil are taking a ride to San Antonio on Saturday,” Jake said. “Phil needs materials for his cabin, and I need to pick up some lab supplies. We’re going to get Katie’s truck at the airport and drive it home.”
At that, Josh raised his head. “She had to fly?” he said. “Jenny went that far?”
Jake nodded. “Yes to both questions,” he said. “Anyway, you want to come with us?
“I’d like that,” Josh said. “I . . . well, if Jenny and I can’t be together . . . don’t you think we could all still manage to be friends?”
“We’ve never stopped being friends,” Jake said. “None of us like what’s happening here, Josh. We hate it for the both of you. Come on, let’s go cut some brush. It’ll make you feel better.”
Josh nodded and stood up, then put out his hand. When Jake took it, Josh said, “I really am sorry, man. I acted like an idiot.”
Jake grinned. “Well,” he said, “you know what they say. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.”
109
Kate glanced up from her iPad and over at Jenny who had one of their mother's notebooks open in her lap. Jenny was smiling, looking down at the page and tracing something with her finger. As if she felt her sister's eyes on her, she raised her head. The smile on her face broadened. "Do you know that she sat under that big liveoak right outside my front door and read Anna Karenina the summer after you were born?"
"Did she write down her favorite quotes from that one?" Kate asked, switching off the tablet.
"Yes," Jenny said, "and I don't know if the first one is funny or sad or maybe a little bit of both."
"What is it?"
“'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,'” Jenny read.
Kate shook her head. "I know she had to be miserable living with Daddy, but I swear to you, some of the stuff she put in those notebooks is just plain funny."
"I'm beginning to think that may be how she survived it all," Jenny said. "She didn't lose her ability to recognize the absurdities of the situation. She also wrote down this quote. 'If you look for perfection, you'll never be content.'"
"Amen to that one," Kate said. "I have to confess, I never could plow through Tolstoy. Those Russians are just a little over the top for me. I think it must be the winters. Makes them all dark and broody."
"It worked for Omar Sharif in Dr. Zhivago," Jenny pointed out.
Kate chuckled, "That might be true, but I have to tell you, that damned house with all the ice? Looked like a mighty cold place to be having a love affair if you ask me."
Jenny laughed. "But it was romantic."
"'To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance,'" Kate said.
"Who wrote that?"
"Oscar Wilde."
"Russian novels are too dramatic for you, but you're quoting a flamboyant, gay Irish playwright?" Jenny asked. "Explain that one to me."
"I can't," Kate chuckled, tapping the side of her head with her index finger. "It's a strange country in here."
Jenny set the notebook on the table beside her chair and smiled at Kate. "I know I should feel guilty about this, but I'm enjoying being here with you so much."
"Don't feel guilty," Kate said. "Being miserable over all of this won't accomplish anything, and it won't help you go back and talk to Josh. We've had a rough few weeks. I think we both needed to stop for awhile. Don't you feel better?"
"I do," she admitted. "Odd as it sounds, I feel better than I have in a long time."
"You want to talk about all the other stuff that's been going on?"
"Like?"
"You thinking I was dead in that cave."
"Ah," Jenny said. "That."
"Yeah," Kate said. "That."
"I'd say after the Wilson's getting killed and Mandy losing her baby, that was a bit much."
"A bit much?" Kate asked, raising her eyebrow. "That's putting it mildly."
Jenny laughed. "I'm just giving you a hard time." Then, growing more serious, she said, "I know that's part of what pushed me over the edge on all this. For those few hours, I didn't think I had anything left to hold on to. It shook me up pretty bad."
"You didn't feel like you could hold on to Josh?" Kate asked.
Jenny shook her head. "He was there for me," she said. "He did all the right things, but I still felt completely alone. After it was all over and I knew you were okay, I did everything I could not to look at that and think about what it might mean."
Kate got up from her chair to put another log on the fire and then sat down on the hearth closer to her sister's chair. "I don't think we're easy for them to love," she said slowly. "Jake doesn't seem to be threatened by the effect our raising had on us. His father sounds like a pretty good son of a bitch himself, and Jake lost his mother about the same time ours died."
"I didn't know that," Jenny said.
"He doesn't talk about her much," Kate said, "but they were close. His father is chief surgeon at some fancy hospital. He's disappointed in Jake for picking a career that involves 'playing in the dirt.'"
"Oh," Jenny said, rolling her eyes, "he sounds like a real peach."
"They don't have anything to do with each other," Kate said, "so I think Jake gets us in a way maybe Josh doesn't. Josh has always thought if he was just patient enough and didn't make any waves, everything between the two of you would be okay."
Jenny sighed. "I know," she said, "and I think all that attitude did for him was to let him get completely bottled up with frustration over everything we never addressed. He would never say so, but I've always felt that he thinks we should just get over the way we were raised. That what's done is done."
Kate leaned back against the brick. "It is done," she agreed, "but I'm not sure you ever get over the kind of verbal abuse Daddy heaped on us. You come away from that kind of thing knowing what you'll stand for and what you won't allow."
"Exactly," Jenny said, "and I let myself forget that with Robert because he did everything to make himself look perfect."
"Just like our
father did when he took our mother away from George Fisk," Kate said.
"You have no idea how much I wish I could talk to her about that," Jenny said. "I've always had this image of her in my mind as . . . well . . . our mother. I never thought about her as a woman until we started looking at these books. I actually know what it was like for her when Daddy turned on her that morning, Katie. I lived that with Robert. It's the most awful feeling. Your whole world just drops out from under you and the magnitude of the mistake you've made comes crashing down. You can't breathe because it's so horrible and heavy and . . . hopeless."
"What did you do when it happened to you?"
"I made myself very small," Jenny said. "I believed the things he said about me and I tried to be better in his eyes, to please him and win his approval. At least until the night he hit me, and then all the anger and bitterness boiled up out of me. He could have killed me, but there was no way I was backing down again. That would have been a living death."
As she spoke, a shiver passed through her frame. Kate saw it and said, "Come on. Let's take this conversation outside. We need some fresh air and running water."
"I couldn't agree more," Jenny said, getting up and following Kate out the backdoor.
They crossed the short distance to the stream, and walked slowly along the bank, stopping to skip stones across the smooth patches. It was a beautiful, cool afternoon with a line of thin clouds hanging over the mountain peaks. The last flowers of the summer were struggling to keep their color, reluctant to admit winter cold was on the way.
About a mile from the cabin, the sisters came on a group of boulders perfectly placed by the stream. They sat down, listening to the water softly paint ripples in the stillness around them. Kate reached for Jenny's hand and said, "I never let myself be small. I let myself be solitary."
"I know," Jenny said. "And I feel partially responsible for that."
"Don't," Kate said. "I was no more ready to move past what I was feeling than you are now."
"When did that change for you?"
"When I got shot," Kate answered without hesitation. "When you knelt down beside me in the draw and begged me not to leave you."
The Lockwood Legacy - Books 1-6: Plus Bonus Short Stories Page 72