by Beth Wiseman
“Is she coming down for breakfast?” Mamm wiped her hands on her apron.
Miriam nodded as John propped his elbows on the table. “I bet she ain’t used to gettin’ up this early.”
Mamm cut her eyes at him. “Elbows off the table, please.”
They all turned when they heard footsteps coming through the den. Miriam thought Shelby was so beautiful. She didn’t wear makeup like most Englisch girls, although this morning there was a shine on her lips. Miriam didn’t long for makeup, nor had she experimented with it during her rumschpringe, but she was wishing for some of the gloss that Shelby was wearing. Especially for when she saw Saul this afternoon. Her cousin’s thick, long hair was pulled back into a ponytail. She slowed as she neared the kitchen, as if waiting to be invited to sit.
“I poured you some juice, Shelby.” Miriam smiled, then pushed back on the bench to make room for her cousin.
“Guder mariye, Shelby.” Mamm took her seat. “That’s good morning in Pennsylvania Deitsch.”
“Good morning to all of you.” Shelby lowered her head when everyone else did for prayer. Miriam wondered what Shelby was saying to God, since she’d mentioned that she wasn’t on good terms with Him.
Shelby enjoyed the buggy ride to the Amish farm where church service was being held. Miriam drove one buggy carrying Shelby, John, and Elam—a buggy with no top, which Miriam called a spring buggy. Aaron drove another buggy with a top on it, and he took Rebecca and Ben. Shelby was glad to be in the spring buggy, the wind in her face, on this early Sunday morning as the sun barely peeked above the horizon.
It was a short trip from her cousins’ farm to the Dienner farm, but Miriam told several jokes on the way. They were the cleanest jokes Shelby had ever heard, but still funny, and she’d found herself laughing out loud—something she hadn’t done in a long time. She liked Miriam, and she appreciated the way Miriam seemed to be trying hard to make her feel comfortable. But Miriam didn’t tell her that the church service was three hours long until she was parking the buggy. “You’re kidding, right?” was all she said. Miriam just smiled.
Miriam kept close to Shelby’s side, introducing her to everyone as they walked into the large home. Shelby was even related to some of them, but she couldn’t keep everyone straight. They were all welcoming and thanked Shelby for coming to church with them, even though she’d already been told she wouldn’t understand anything that was going on. And that was okay. She would just sit quietly and not have to feel guilty that she wasn’t partaking in any sort of prayer. However, when she saw the backless benches set up in the large den, she thought about the three hours of sitting and wished she’d just stayed back at her cousins’ farm.
“The men sit on one side, facing the women, who sit on the other side,” Miriam whispered as they maneuvered through the crowd of about a hundred. “The bishop and deacons sit in the middle.”
“Does it always last three hours?”
Miriam chuckled. “Ya, most of the time it does. Guess that’s why we only have church every other Sunday.”
Shelby followed Miriam, and they both sat down on a bench in the third row. Others were slowly filing into the room and taking a seat.
“Even though you won’t understand the language, I think you will feel a sense of peace here.” Miriam smiled.
Shelby didn’t think so. Tiny distractions throughout her days provided her with brief reprieves from all that ailed her, but at the end of the day, when she laid her head down to sleep, life just seemed too much to bear. Her heart ached, and she missed the life she’d had before her parents’ troubles. And if her parents loved her, they would have let her stay there to work through her problems. Especially her mother, whom she’d been living with before she was shipped away.
“You need a vacation, Shelby,” her mother had said. “Far away from here. Away from those people you’ve been running around with and from the heartache associated with the divorce.”
What her mother should have said was, “Shelby, I’m dating Richard Sutton and I don’t have time to deal with your issues right now.” That would have been a more honest reason to ship her only daughter to this foreign place. Her father had gotten on with his life, too, with the woman he’d left her mother for. Tina.
Shelby cringed. Yes, everyone was getting along with their lives just fine. She felt tears welling up in her eyes.
“Are you all right?” Miriam reached for Shelby’s hand and squeezed. It was such a tender, endearing thing to do that a tear threatened to spill, but Shelby quickly blinked it back. She pulled her hand from Miriam’s.
“Yes. I’m fine. I’m sorry.” She hoped no one else saw. She was embarrassed enough.
Miriam smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here, Shelby. So very glad. I know we’re going to be like sisters.”
Her cousin seemed so sincere, truly glad to have her here. Why? Shelby didn’t have any brothers or sisters, and she wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. That would only mean more people to hurt her. She didn’t respond.
Two hours into the service, Shelby straightened her back and sighed. She felt no sense of fellowship, and she felt emptier than she did before. This was a mistake. Her life was a mistake. She had no sense of purpose, no guidance, and no faith. Why did her parents bother taking her to church all those years if things were going to end up like this? Clearly her parents hadn’t been listening. People fell in love, they got married, and they stayed together forever—through the good and the bad.
“You will like this part,” Miriam whispered. “When there are several Englisch folks, like there are today, Bishop Ebersol says a few verses in Englisch, so that the entire congregation will understand the blessings.”
Shelby forced a smile, wishing she could close off her ears to whatever was forthcoming. She was wallowing in self-pity, mixed with a heavy dose of anger, but knowing this didn’t deter the sadness that threatened to suffocate her. She couldn’t bear it.
When Bishop Ebersol started to speak in Englisch, she closed her eyes and tried to will away his words, but they entered her mind just the same—and played havoc with her heart.
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man,” the bishop said. “But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”
Shelby didn’t hear anything else the bishop said after the Scripture reading. The words echoed in her head. “But will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” She clamped her eyes closed and held her breath for a moment. I can’t bear it.
Shelby could see her parents yelling, her mother pounding her fists against her father’s chest as she sobbed. As she tried to clear the image, Tommy’s face showed up in her mind’s eye, and she could hear his voice saying he didn’t want to be around her.
She released her breath but kept her eyes closed as she pictured her circle of friends back home—the parties, the drinking, the drugs. All things she knew were wrong, yet she’d allowed herself to partake.
Slowly she opened her eyes and looked around at these strange people dressed so differently from the rest of the world. Sweat dripped down her spine from the lack of air-conditioning, and her back ached from sitting on the backless bench. She shifted her weight but couldn’t get comfortable. What am I doing here?
“Are you all right?” Miriam leaned toward her as she whispered.
“No. I—I actually think I need some air. Excuse me.” Shelby stood up and quickly moved past her cousin, then walked as briskly as she could toward the nearest door. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, but she didn’t care. I don’t want to be here. God let me down.
Miriam turned to her mother and waited for instruction. She saw Shelby dab at her eyes on the way out the door, and she wondered if Mamm saw too.
Mamm glanced past Miriam toward the window, then said, “Ya. Go see to your cousin.”
Miriam bowed her
head in a brief, silent prayer, then took a quick peek in Saul’s direction. He didn’t catch her glance, so she got up and hurried to find Shelby. She crossed the Dienners’ front yard and made her way to where Shelby was sitting, in one of two swings that hung from a large branch of an old oak tree. She slowed down as she approached and saw that Shelby was crying.
“What’s the matter?” Miriam asked softly as she squatted down beside her cousin. “Is there anything I can do?”
Shelby shook her head but kept it hung low as she sniffled. “No. I’m all right. I’m sorry.” She finally looked up. “I shouldn’t be here.”
Miriam bit her bottom lip. She didn’t know what to say. Help me to help her, Lord. She stood up and eased her way into the other swing beside Shelby, then twisted the point of her black shoe into the worn area below her as she stared at the ground. “Do you want to go home, back to Texas?”
Shelby turned toward her and brushed away a tear. “I don’t have a home anymore.” She stood up and paced in front of the swings. “I don’t have a home. I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t have any friends. I made bad choices, and. . .” She paused, then took a deep breath and said, “And God let all this happen.” She sat back down in the swing.
Miriam had never felt the call to minister to anyone until now. It wasn’t their way. But she heard the voice in her head loud and clear. It is of My will that Shelby is here. She squeezed the rope supports on either side of her and prayed she would speak the right words. “Sometimes things happen, and it’s hard to understand how it could be God’s will.” She glanced at Shelby, but her cousin had her head turned in the opposite direction. “But I know your faith will see you through this, and if you want to talk about—”
“Faith?” Shelby swung her head around to face Miriam. Her teary eyes were now blazing with anger. “I don’t have any faith.” Then she shook her head back and forth over and over again. “Never mind. I shouldn’t be saying this to you. My problems are my problems, and I’ll get through this somehow.”
Miriam wanted to tell Shelby that faith and prayer were the only ways to get through it, but she stayed quiet.
“I’m sorry,” Shelby said after a few moments. “You can go back in, Miriam. You don’t have to stay out here with me. I’m okay.”
Miriam straightened in the swing. “No. That’s all right. There isn’t that much left.” She smiled. “I’ll just stay here with you.”
Shelby gazed for a long while at Miriam. “You’re a good person, Miriam. I can tell.”
“Danki.” Miriam twisted her mouth to one side. “But you don’t even know me, so how can you tell that I’m a gut person?”
Shelby smiled slightly. “Most of the time, I’m a good judge of character.” Her smile faded. “Although I wasn’t such a good judge of character before I left home.”
Miriam didn’t want to pry, but she couldn’t imagine what Shelby did that was so bad. She seemed like such a nice person.
“Miriam?”
“Ya?”
“Do you think God forgives our bad choices?”
Miriam thought for a moment. She wanted to tell Shelby that she needed to reach out to God, to have faith, but instead, she said, “Ya. I do.”
“Hmm. . .” Shelby paused. “I don’t know.”
“I believe that. . .” Miriam didn’t feel qualified to speak with Shelby about this. She wished Shelby could talk to Bishop Ebersol, even though she was Englisch.
“What? What do you believe?” Shelby twisted the swing so that her body faced Miriam’s.
Miriam took a deep breath and hoped she was saying the right things. “I believe that we have to forgive ourselves first. Only then can God reach us. I believe. . .” She paused, glanced at Shelby. Her cousin was waiting for her to go on. “I believe it’s hard to hear God when we are angry, or can’t forgive ourself for something.” Miriam smiled. “God forgives everything if we ask Him to.”
Shelby faced forward again and stared straight ahead. “I don’t know about that.” After a few moments, she said, “Besides, I think maybe I’m being punished by Him.”
By God? Miriam wanted to tell Shelby that wasn’t how it worked, but she heard the screen door close, and she looked up to see people starting to emerge from the service. “Church is over early today.” She stood up from the swing when she saw her mother heading their way.
“Shelby, are you all right?” Mamm asked when she got within a few feet of them.
Shelby stood up. “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry. I just needed some fresh air.”
Mamm smiled as she put a hand on Shelby’s arm. “I’m sure you’re still tired from your travels, and I bet you aren’t used to getting up so early.”
“No. But I’m fine. Really. I’m sorry I left the service early.”
“It’s no problem. As long as you’re all right.”
Shelby smiled, but Miriam knew she wasn’t all right.
It was one o’clock when Miriam parked the buggy in front of their house. Shelby hadn’t said anything on the way home, but she really didn’t have a chance to. Little John was ribbing Elam about having a crush on thirteen-year-old Sarah King, and Elam spent most of the trip denying the accusation, though they all knew it was true. And Miriam spent the ride thinking about Saul and how she would meet him at the old Zook farm to go fishing soon. She’d only talked to Saul briefly after the service, and they’d confirmed plans. Miriam had also introduced him to Shelby. After they’d finished the meal, there was cleanup, so Miriam didn’t see Saul again. She wondered if maybe he’d joined the men in the barn but suspected he’d left right after church, the way he usually did. Most of the younger folks had played volleyball that afternoon. Even Shelby joined in and played on Miriam’s team. For a short while, Shelby seemed to be enjoying herself.
Miriam felt bad that she was going to have to leave Shelby this afternoon, but she’d waited so long to spend some time alone with Saul. Surely Shelby could occupy herself for a couple of hours.
Miriam tethered the horse while Shelby excused herself to hurry to the bathroom, and Elam and John took off toward the barn.
She was walking up to the house when her mother came down the porch steps and met her in the yard.
“I got the sense that Shelby is upset. Did she tell you what’s wrong?” Mamm wiped her forehead as she spoke, her eyes showing concern.
“She’s upset about her parents getting a divorce.” Miriam didn’t feel the need to tell her mother any more than that right now.
“Hmm. . . Well, you stay close to her. Her mother didn’t tell me much about what happened there, but I want us to be her family right now, help her any way we can.” Mamm turned and started back to the house.
Miriam wasn’t surprised that Mamm had agreed to take Shelby in. Her mother was known to care for others in their community who were in a bad way or just needed a place to rest. And Shelby was family—a distant cousin perhaps, but still family.
Miriam cleared her thoughts and returned to the subject at hand. “Mamm?”
Her mother turned around. “Ya?”
Miriam caught up to her before she reached the porch. “Actually, I’m going to go meet Saul Fisher. We’re going to go fishing at the old Zook farm. But I won’t be gone for more than a couple of hours.”
Her mother scowled, then softened her expression. “That’s fine. You and Shelby have fun.” Mamm turned again to head to the house.
What? She skipped across the yard to catch up with her mother again. “But, Mamm. . . I was going to go meet Saul by myself, and—”
Mamm turned around. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why do you need to meet Saul by yourself?”
Miriam took a deep breath, then let it out slowly as she shrugged. “I—we—it’s like. . .”
Mamm put her hands on her hips and let out a sigh. “Miriam, your cousin just arrived yesterday, and I will not have you leaving her just yet.”
So I have to babysit her? “But, Mamm. . .”
> “No, Miriam. You take Shelby with you, or don’t go at all.” Mamm held up her first finger. “And no arguing.” She turned to leave, and for the first time, Miriam considered how having Shelby here would alter her own choices.
It was a half hour later when Miriam told Shelby about the fishing trip. They were upstairs in Miriam’s room because Shelby said she wanted to change blouses. Shelby emerged from the bathroom wearing a brown T-shirt with a slogan for Texas barbeque on it. Miriam agreed that Shelby’s choice would be better for fishing than her pretty yellow blouse.
“Aren’t you going to change clothes?” Shelby seemed in a better mood since Miriam had mentioned the fishing adventure, so Miriam tried to be happy that her cousin was going with her to meet Saul.
“I already did.”
“But you’re still in a dress. Aren’t you allowed to wear anything else?”
“I changed from my nice Sunday dress to this older, worn one.”
Miriam couldn’t help but notice the way Shelby’s jeans and T-shirt showed off her curves, and for the first time in her life, Miriam wished she had her own blue jeans and T-shirt to wear.
“I love to go fishing. I used to go all the time with my dad, but. . .” Shelby sighed. “Anyway, thank you for inviting me.”
“Sure. We’ll have a gut time.” Miriam felt a tad guilty for not wanting Shelby to go, but she’d try to make up for it by making sure her cousin had fun.
Saul maneuvered his buggy down the dirt road that led to the abandoned Zook farm. Brown and green weeds flanked the path, and in the distance stood the white clapboard house, its paint chipped from neglect. Part of the white picket fence surrounding the front yard was down, and several cows meandered through the yard as if it was a pasture. It was a sad sight, and Saul recalled the times he’d played with the Zook kids in that yard. But when Amos, the youngest of the Zook children, got cancer six years ago, the family had relocated to a place where there was a fancy medical center that could take better care of him. The property had sold right away to a local Englisch man who didn’t care anything about restoring the farmhouse. He’d purchased the land just to run cattle on, but at least he’d given permission for them to fish in the pond whenever they wanted. Saul rarely saw the owner of the property and figured he must just come to check on the cows from time to time. It was hard on the eyes to see the house in such disrepair. Saul wondered whatever happened to Amos Zook, if he had been cured of the cancer.