by Beth Wiseman
“I’m sure it will be fine,” she finally said, smiling.
Saul felt warm inside as he smiled back at her.
Shelby thanked Jesse for the ride home as he pulled to a stop in front of Miriam’s farmhouse. Jesse had been polite enough, but when Shelby mentioned twice how much she enjoyed going fishing, he never suggested a return trip to the Zook farm. And he talked about Miriam a lot. Shelby didn’t even think he realized it. Miriam’s name just seemed to slide off his tongue in almost every conversation. Jesse was Amish anyway, so what was the point? But his stunning good looks had been a nice distraction today. For a while this afternoon, she hadn’t thought about her parents or Tommy.
She waved to Jesse, then headed across the front yard.
“Where’s Miriam?” There was an urgency in Rebecca’s voice, and it caught Shelby a little off guard.
“She’s still with Saul. I think they wanted to spend some time alone together. I think maybe today was supposed to be a date, but I ruined that for them.” She smiled but quickly stopped when Rebecca’s eyebrows drew into a deep frown.
“Did Miriam say when she would be home?”
“No, ma’am.” Shelby regretted that she had apparently gotten Miriam in trouble. Maybe Amish girls weren’t allowed to date. Maybe Shelby shouldn’t have used that word. She’d talk to Miriam later when she got home. Besides, she had something to tell Miriam. Something Jesse told her that she didn’t think Miriam was going to be happy about.
Rebecca lifted her chin and sighed. “Well, I’m sure she’ll be along shortly. Why don’t you go in and get yourself a glass of iced tea. Miriam knows to be home to help with supper, so she’ll be here soon.”
Shelby nodded and slid past Rebecca. She was hot and tired, and a glass of iced tea sounded wonderful.
Rebecca stood in the front yard and watched her husband washing his hands at the pump by the barn. When he was done, he slowly made his way toward her.
“Aaron, Miriam is with Saul Fisher.” She clenched her hands at her sides. “And they are alone together.”
Her husband took off his straw hat, then ran his sleeve across his forehead. He slowly put his hat back on as he let out a heavy sigh. “Ach, we’ve known this was coming. She’s liked that boy for years.”
“Aaron, how can you be so calm about this? Saul Fisher has been in more trouble than any other boy in this community.” She folded her arms across her chest. “And you heard what Ben said at supper last night, that he heard Saul wasn’t going to be baptized.”
Her husband lowered his head, then lifted tired eyes to meet hers. “Now, Rebecca, those’re just rumors.”
Rebecca reached up and pulled a piece of fuzz from Aaron’s black beard, speckled with gray. “I don’t want her seeing that boy, Aaron.” She knew it was wrong to judge another person, but Miriam was her only daughter.
“Rebecca.” Aaron put one hand on his hip, then rubbed his forehead with the other. “She’s in her rumschpringe. Let the maedel have some freedoms. We’ve raised Miriam well. She will make gut choices.”
“I never said that Miriam shouldn’t experience her rumschpringe.” She sighed with irritation. “It just gives me worry that she might be thinking of dating Saul Fisher.” She shook her head. “He’s not right for her, Aaron.”
“Who are we to decide that, Rebecca?” He sighed, and Rebecca knew her husband was ready to get into the house and have something cold to drink, but worry consumed her.
“We are her parents. That’s who we are.” Rebecca raised her chin and faced off with her husband.
Aaron kissed her on the cheek. “I’m goin’ in the house, Rebecca. I’m hot and tired.” He eased past her, and she spun around.
“Pray about this, Aaron! I will be.”
He didn’t turn around but waved an acknowledgment as he made his way up the porch steps.
Rebecca shook her head. Like her husband, she’d known for years that Miriam had a crush on Saul Fisher, but she’d always hoped that her daughter would have the good sense not to get involved with a boy like that. She recalled Miriam’s hesitancy to take Shelby with her today, which certainly set off alarms. Now, after hearing what Shelby had to say about Miriam and Saul wanting to be alone, Rebecca felt her stomach clench with worry.
Miriam wished she could sit on the porch swing with Saul well into the evening, but she knew she was already going to be late getting home. Mamm wasn’t going to be happy if she didn’t arrive in time to help with supper.
Saul was a man of few words, but Miriam stayed persistent and eased him into a conversation, and during the past half hour, she’d learned a little bit more about him. All food related. It was a subject he was passionate about. He was allergic to shellfish, didn’t care for whoopee pies, and once ate seven cheeseburgers on a dare from a friend. He also knew how to cook and told her that he could make a better shoofly pie than anyone in the district. She’d stifled a grin more than once as he spoke. Saul Fisher can cook?
Miriam remembered that Saul’s mother and only sister had died in a buggy accident about five years ago. Since then, Saul had helped his daed raise his two younger brothers, and he’d probably learned to cook out of necessity. She couldn’t believe how many different things he knew how to prepare, and she found herself sharing some of her secret recipes with him.
“Okay, Saul. I told you how to make cream of carrot soup. Now. . .” Miriam nudged him with her shoulder. “I want to hear about this ultimate grilled cheese sandwich.”
Saul chuckled. “No way.”
“That’s not fair, Saul Fisher. That cream of carrot soup was my great-mammi’s recipe, and no one in the district knows how to make it but me and Mamm.”
“Not true. I’ve had cream of carrot soup before. Mei mamm used to make it before—” He took a deep breath. “Before the accident.”
Miriam wasn’t sure how much Saul wanted to talk about his mother, and they’d been having so much fun, so she just nodded.
“Fine.” He shifted his weight in the swing, turning to face her even more, and grinned. “I’ll tell you how to make the ultimate grilled cheese sandwich.”
Miriam kept her eyes on his, but she was acutely aware of his knee pressed up against her leg. “Gut. Let’s hear it.”
Saul described preparation of the sandwich as if he was creating a work of art, talking with his hands as he spoke, but Miriam couldn’t stay focused on anything but his mouth, his lips. It took everything in her power not to thrust forward and press her mouth to his. How completely inappropriate! She blinked a few times to refocus and caught the tail end of his explanation.
“You mix the cream cheese and mayo until creamy, and then you stir in the cheddar, mozzarella, garlic powder, and seasoned salt, and—” Saul stopped midsentence, and his dark-brown eyes locked with hers. “Do you think it’s weird that I like to cook?”
Miriam was careful not to blurt out the first thing on her mind, since the truth was she thought it made him a thousand times more attractive. She didn’t know any men who could cook, and she found this new information about Saul fascinating. “No, I think it’s wonderful that you cook!” She stared into his eyes and pictured the two of them in their own kitchen, cooking together and trying new recipes. It was a very non-Amish scenario, but Miriam had the vision just the same.
Saul’s smile broadened. “Well, I like to eat, so I had to learn to cook. After mei mamm and Hannah died. . .” His smile faded as he momentarily pulled his eyes from her, then looked back up. “Mei mammi used to come cook for us. But then she got sick and wasn’t able to come so much.” He paused, then rubbed his chin as he spoke. “I just kinda taught myself.”
This was the most she’d talked to Saul, and she wasn’t ready for it to end. But her mother would start to stew if she didn’t get home soon. “I guess I need to go,” she said as she watched the sun begin to set.
“Ya. Me too.” He smiled at her as they both stood from the swing. “Guess what everyone at my haus will be having for supper?” He rubb
ed his hand in a circular motion on his stomach.
Miriam giggled. “I’m guessing ultimate grilled cheese sandwiches.”
Saul nodded, then they both headed down the creaky porch steps. “Watch that cow patty.” He latched onto her arm and guided her around it, then let go and waved an arm at two cows in the yard. “Go on, now! You don’t need to be in the front yard.”
“This is so sad,” Miriam said as they eased their way through the overgrowth in the yard. “This place was so pretty at one time.”
“Ya. I know.” Saul shook his head as he let Miriam go ahead of him through the rickety gate at the end of the sidewalk. He opened the door of Miriam’s buggy, and she climbed in. Then Saul untied the reins and handed them to her.
“This was fun today.” Miriam was sad to see it end, but she would have Saturday to look forward to.
“Ya.” Saul stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I guess I’ll pick you up on Saturday. Seven o’clock?”
Miriam nodded but then said, “Why don’t I meet you in town? On Saturday, I run errands in the afternoon, so I’ll already be on Lincoln Highway. I could meet you at Yoder’s Pantry. They stay open late.” She paused, wondering how her parents were going to feel about her going on a date with Saul. “Can we make it eight o’clock?” She crinkled her nose, then grinned. “It’s Saturday night.”
“Sure.”
She pulled back on the reins and clicked her tongue until her horse started to back up the spring buggy. She’d backed up a few feet when Saul walked briskly up to her.
“Miriam, wait!”
She stopped, raised her brows. “Ya?”
Saul cocked his head to one side and stroked his stubbly chin. “What made you come talk to me yesterday at the creek?” He captured her eyes and gazed at her, one side of his mouth hinting at a grin. “I mean, after all these years.”
Miriam bit her lip and pulled her eyes from his. Then she looked back at him and held his gaze. “Don’t you think it was time?”
His grin eased into a big smile. “Ya. I guess it was.”
Miriam started backing the horse up again, and Saul walked to his own spring buggy. Then she stopped again. “Saul?”
He turned, took a few steps toward her. “Ya?”
Miriam brushed loose strands of hair away from her face, then found Saul’s eyes. “Would you have come and talked to me?”
Saul lifted his eyes to hers. “No.”
Miriam’s heart thudded with disappointment, and she hung her head. A moment later Saul’s hand was gently lifting her chin until her eyes met his again. “I’m not good enough for you, Miriam Raber.” His finger brushed her cheek as he spoke in the raspy whisper that always sent her senses soaring.
She reached up, put her hand on his, then closed her eyes. “I think you are perfect for me, Saul Fisher.”
Saul prayed all the way home. He knew what he was doing was as wrong as it could be, but nothing had ever felt more right to him. Being around Miriam, actually talking to her, getting to know her— it made his heart flip in his chest. But getting too close to her would only hurt them both in the end. And poor Miriam was going into this blind. Saul knew he would leave in August for the Englisch world, forgoing baptism and a future here in Paradise. When he visited Pittsburgh a few months ago, he never could have imagined how that trip would change his life. He’d answered the ad for an apprentice chef with little hope of landing his dream job. But soon after his trip and meeting with the owner of the restaurant, the letter came. . .
He’d saved enough money, and his brothers were old enough to fend for themselves. He’d taught them as much as he could. At fifteen and thirteen, Ruben and James both knew how to prepare some basic meals, tend to the fields, and handle the tools in the barn. Ruben was turning out to be a fine carpenter, and now that James was graduated from school, Saul knew he would find his calling too.
He tried to ease his guilt through prayer. It was bad enough that he would be leaving his father and brothers, but now he would be leaving Miriam too. Their feelings for each other would only grow if they dated through the summer, setting them both up for heartache. But he’d worked so hard to save his money, and Daed was on the mend. Surely everyone would be all right when he left.
Miriam would go on to find someone who deserved her. She’d been raised to be the perfect Amish fraa, and some lucky man would win her heart after Saul was gone. He promised himself that he would not break her heart. They would have fun, enjoy each other, but not get too close. But if that was true, then why couldn’t he stop wishing he could just kiss her, hold her in his arms one time. . .
He pulled up his driveway. Ruben and James were sitting on the front porch, dangling their feet over the side. Ruben had his head in his hands, but James looked up when Saul pulled closer. His brother swiped at his eyes, and Saul knew immediately what was going on. This scene had played out a hundred times, but Saul thought they were past this. He walked across the yard and stood at the edge of the porch. Both his brothers locked eyes with him. Saul waited.
“It’s worse than ever before,” Ruben said as he stifled tears. “Go see for yourself.”
5
MIRIAM’S MOTHER WAS MORE THAN A LITTLE MAD WHEN Miriam showed up too late to help with supper. Mamm had barely spoken to her, and Miriam was relieved when it was time to head upstairs for bed.
“I hope I didn’t get you in trouble, Miriam. Are you not allowed to date?” Shelby fluffed the pillow behind her.
“Ya, I’m allowed to date.” Miriam ran her brush the length of her hair. “I just think Mamm would prefer that I date Jesse.” She rolled her eyes.
“Well, I gotta admit, I’m a little confused about that too. Jesse is so hot, and I could tell on our ride home how much he likes you. Your name came up in every conversation.”
Miriam put the brush in the drawer, then got comfy in her bed. “Jesse is very nice, and ya, he’s handsome. But Saul. . .” She smiled with recollections of their time alone sitting on the porch at the Zook farm. “He’s just special.”
Shelby sat up, hung her legs over the side of the bed, and faced Miriam. “He does seem nice, but. . .”
Miriam sat up, turned toward Shelby, and crossed her legs beneath her. “What is it?”
Her cousin looked down for a moment, then met eyes with Miriam. “Jesse said Saul is leaving here, that he’s not going to be baptized.” She paused. “And isn’t that what your brother said too?”
Miriam was tired of these rumors. “I don’t know why people are saying that. I’m sure it’s not true.” She leaned back on her palms. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked me out on a date for this Saturday night.”
“I take it this will be your first official date with him?” Shelby smiled.
“It will be my first official date with anyone.”
Shelby bolted upright. “You’re kidding me, right?”
Mirriam giggled. “You know, you say that a lot. But no, I’m not kidding. I’ve been waiting for Saul.” She wrapped herself in a hug. “He’s the one. I’ve always known that.”
Shelby reached for her pink book and pen on the nightstand. “I just wouldn’t want to see you get hurt.” Her cousin leaned over the side of the bed and reached into her purse. Miriam watched her retrieve a key, then twist it in the tiny lock. She dropped the silver ring that held the key back into her purse.
Miriam lit the lantern. “I won’t get hurt. Saul’s not going anywhere. He belongs here.” She smiled at Shelby as she leaned forward. “Here with me.”
“Just be careful. Guys can be total jerks, and just when you think you’ve found the right one, they go and break your heart.” Shelby opened the small book in her lap.
“Not Saul. He won’t break my heart.” Miriam hadn’t always been right about everything, but this was one thing she was sure of. She saw the way he looked into her eyes today. “I’m going to go to sleep. You should too. Tomorrow is Monday, wash day. It always makes for a long day.”
Shelby sighed. “I
guess we get up again at four thirty tomorrow?”
“Every day.” Miriam smiled as she rolled onto her side to avoid the soft glow of the lantern.
Shelby pressed the pen to the paper.
Dear Diary,
Today I went fishing with my cousin Miriam and two of her friends. It was the first time that I forgot about Mom and Dad and Tommy for a while. But now, as I try to calm my thoughts and get some sleep, images of the past are all over the place. I miss Tommy so much. And I’m so angry at Mom and Dad for the choices they made—choices that landed me here in Amish Country where I don’t have any friends.
Shelby wiped sweat from her forehead, then turned the battery-operated fan more in her direction. She leaned closer to the breeze and thought about her friends back home.
I guess maybe they weren’t true friends after all. I’m not sure I want or need any friends anymore. But I do like Miriam, even though I don’t want to get too close to her. First of all, she’s different. She’s eighteen years old and she’s just now going on her first date this Saturday night. Weird. Or maybe it’s kind of sweet in a way. I don’t know.
I met a guy. An Amish guy. His name is Jesse, and he is the hottest man I’ve seen in a long time. He seems to like Miriam a lot, but Miriam likes a guy named Saul. So, I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. But Jesse is easy on the eyes and seems so nice. Gotta watch it though—I don’t want to get too close to him either.
Everyone I get close to hurts me. Even God.
Saul closed the door to his father’s room after helping him into bed. Daed was snoring the minute his head landed on the pillow and before Saul even had a chance to pull his father’s boots off. His father would wake up in the morning with all his clothes on and know what happened. But no one would mention it. That’s the way it always was. Zeb Fisher was a kind, gentle man when he wasn’t drinking. He loved the Lord, and he loved his sons. Maybe he’d loved their mother and Hannah more. Saul wasn’t sure. But that’s when the drinking started, after the accident, and it had gotten worse every year. Until three months ago. Daed just stopped drinking in the evening hours. What made him start again?