by Lynne, Donya
“She’s. Engaged.”
“So?”
“Carol was engaged to me. Would you have said the same thing to Antonio?”
“You didn’t belong with Carol.”
“And that makes it okay?”
“Mark, do you want this woman or not?”
Yes. He wanted her. Despite his words to the contrary, she was the real reason he’d taken the job at Solar. The director of operations position just happened to be the perfect professional fit. He’d thought it was a win-win, but now, he wasn’t sure.
“It doesn’t matter if I want her. She’s taken.”
“Yeah, by the wrong guy. Now, do you want her or not?”
“Yes, I want her. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. But I won’t steal another man’s fiancée.” He wouldn’t do to Karma’s fiancé what had been done to him. That would make him a hypocrite. Besides, he knew how bad that shit hurt.
“Why not? He stole yours.”
“I didn’t put a ring on Karma’s finger.”
“You should have.” Rob sighed. “Mark, she belongs with you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’ve never seen you like this about a woman. Not even Carol.” Rob gave him a second to let that sink in. “Karma’s it for you. She may be engaged to some other guy right now, but people break off engagements all the time. Women get involved with men who aren’t right for them every day. He’s a rebound that got out of hand. That’s all. She should be wearing your ring. You should have staked your claim when you had the chance. But you were too caught up in hell to see the forest for the trees. So, really, this guy is engaged to your fiancée right now. Are you going to let that shit happen? Are you going to let him take your happiness the way you let Antonio take Carol? Sure, Carol wasn’t right for you, but you changed. You became a better person because of that nightmare. A person who deserves to finally be happy and get what he wants, goddammit.”
Damn Rob. The guy was one hell of a rah-rah artist. Still, going after a woman who belonged to another man wasn’t his style. Shit, why did this have to be so hard? A sign wasn’t supposed to be this much work. Or at least it shouldn’t be. Then again, he wasn’t fluent in signs. Maybe this was simply part of the program.
“I don’t know, Rob. I’ll see how it goes. I just…shit…I just thought I’d come back here and we’d be together. Now I just don’t know.”
“Well, I’m here for you. You know that. I’d like nothing more than to see you show up at the wedding in November with her on your arm, but the ball’s in your court. You’ve got to make it happen.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, I’ve gotta get off here. I’m viewing a house tonight and need to meet the agent in thirty minutes.” He didn’t think any of the houses he’d received info on would be right, and right now he had lost the ideal frame of mind to house hunt, but he had to start somewhere. Hopefully, with Karma’s help, he could find the perfect home. Preferably one she’d want to share with him someday.
“Good luck. Talk to you later.”
Mark hung up and looked out the window. Funny the twists and turns life throws at a person. Another man had stolen his fiancée from him seven years ago. Now he was considering doing the same thing to someone else.
Chapter 19
One Week Later
Jan sat across from Karma, head at an angle, eyes attentive, chin resting on her index finger. Karma had spent the last forty-five minutes spilling her anger over Mark’s abrupt reappearance.
“This was last Tuesday?” Jan said.
“Yes.”
“And how have things been since?”
Mark had returned to Chicago last Tuesday night to give notice to his employer and pack up his apartment. “He’s traveling with Don this week, so it’s not bad. But he calls me and asks me for things. I’m helping him locate homes to view. And I’m doing his footwork in the office, coordinating with other departments to get him added to meetings, e-mail groups, stuff like that. It’s a lot of administration at this point.” She made a fist. “But I’m just so damn mad. I don’t get it. Why am I angry about this?”
After her discussion with Mark last week, she’d briefly felt better. Then she began obsessing over his return and got angry again. Her life had finally reached a level of contentment, and then here came Mark to throw a wrench into what had become a well-oiled machine.
“Remember before how we talked about the five stages of loss?” Jan asked.
Karma nodded her head a little more aggressively than normal. Then again, she was still reeling. “Yes.” A sudden realization struck her. “Do you think this is my anger phase? That seeing him again has finally made me experience anger?”
Jan shrugged while making a note on her tablet. “I don’t know. Do you think it is?”
“It could be.” But Karma wasn’t convinced. Her anger toward Mark felt more like a defense mechanism than a rational reaction. Then again, her response to him could have been as strong as it was because she had repressed her anger for months instead of experiencing it. That argument held merit, too.
But she thought she’d worked through the five phases and found acceptance months ago. If the anger she felt now was part of the five stages of loss, did that mean she still hadn’t found acceptance?
As she processed the last six months to see how they fit into the five stages, her mind returned to the night of her first date with Brad and she sucked in her breath.
“What?” Jan tilted her head to the side. “What just came to you?”
“I think…” Had she used Brad to force Mark out of her thoughts? And if she had, wasn’t that a form of denial? God, she hoped that wasn’t why she’d started dating Brad, but the more she considered it, the more likely it seemed.
“What, Karma?” Jan prompted her to go on.
She told Jan about how she’d tucked all the things that reminded her of Mark into the back of her closet the night of her first date with Brad, as well as how she’d made her final decision to go out with Brad right after seeing the picture of Mark with that woman on New Year’s Eve.
Jan’s face remained serene.
“What if that was denial?” Karma sighed and looked down at her hands. “What if I used Brad to force out the pain of Mark’s memory?” If that’s what she’d done, then she’d circumvented the grieving process and hadn’t allowed herself to fully work through her feelings. “By tucking away everything that reminded me of Mark, I denied what I was still feeling for him and channeled my energy toward forcing him out of my mind by replacing him with someone else.”
Jan set down her stylus. “And now you’re worried that you delayed the healing process by removing the necessary stimuli. Is that what you’re thinking?”
“Yes. I didn’t allow myself to fully reach acceptance because I shut off my anger and depression.” Karma shook her head at herself. “And now both have shoved themselves front and center.”
Karma glanced out the window. The days were growing shorter and colder. Soon, it would be autumn. The leaves would begin to change within weeks, and then it would be the holidays again.
She smirked to herself. It had been a year. Almost exactly to the day. Mark had been gone an entire year. She’d just made the connection.
“You know,” she said, turning toward Jan. “It’s been exactly one year that he’s been gone.” She looked down at her hands…at the square diamond sparkling on her finger.
In the beginning, it had been hard to go about her day-to-day activities, but after she started working with Jan, she’d begun to get back out there. She’d started cooking. Then she took up running again. Next came cross-training. Before long, she’d been filling all her spare time to the point that she often collapsed in an exhausted heap every night only to get up and do it all over again the next day. Of course, Brad was in the picture by then, too. Hell, he’d been involved in most of all that busy stuff. And Jade. She couldn’t forget Jade. That girl gave Karma nightmares.
“You know, I met Br
ad and things got crazy. I thought I had moved on.” She shrugged. “I thought I’d reached acceptance, but I was only fooling myself.”
Jan scrutinized her. “Why do you say that?”
“Because, clearly, I haven’t accepted that I’m over Mark. Otherwise, why do I feel the way I do? Angry…sad…all-around upset.” She clucked her tongue. “I’ve been hiding behind Brad. Using him to keep my mind off Mark.”
“And now Mark’s back, and you can’t ignore him anymore, can you?” Understanding flashed across Jan’s expression.
“Exactly. I can’t ignore him anymore. I have to face him. And I have to face what he did and how it made me feel.”
Sweeping him under a rug had been easier when he wasn’t around. Now it was time to lift the rug and face the dirt. A nagging voice inside her head told her that would be easier said than done and that there was a lot more to Mark’s reappearance and her reaction to him than she wanted to admit.
Patient benevolence projected from Jan’s expression. “Maybe this is what you need to finish working through your grief.”
“Maybe.”
Either she would finally find true acceptance…or Mark was about to turn her world on its head again.
Why did she fear it would be the latter?
* * *
Her session with Jan still echoed through Karma’s thoughts two hours later as she climbed out of Brad’s shower. She and Brad had gone running tonight, which left her drenched in sweat. September in Indiana was notorious for stagnant heat and humidity. The dog days of summer, as they say.
She dressed in capris and a T-shirt and joined him in the kitchen. His hair was still damp from his shower, and he smelled like Dial shower gel, which always made her sneeze.
“Whatcha making?” she said, stepping up beside him at the stove as her nose tickled.
An empty spaghetti sauce jar sat to the side.
“Spaghetti and salad.” He grabbed the colander from the cupboard.
She gazed at the pan of generic sauce bubbling on the stove. Mark had made her spaghetti once. With homemade sauce and meatballs that had rocked her world. They’d made love the first time that night.
Brad wasn’t the best cook in the world, but as a single man he did the best he could, and when it came to cooking for Jade, he bent to her tastes. Jade was a picky eater. The girl ate out of a jar or a box for every meal.
“All those cooking classes at Single Servings, and we’re eating jarred sauce?” She gave his arm a good-natured nudge.
“I’m doing the best I can, Karma.” His voice clipped.
Sometimes she never knew what to say around him. He got so short-tempered when his work stressed him, but she never knew when that was until was too late.
“I was just joking,” she said defensively, shying away. She took plates out of the cabinet as he drained the spaghetti.
Mark never would have snapped at her like that. Even when his job at Solar had reached intensely stressful levels, he’d always shown Karma nothing but tenderness and patience. He had always been able to separate work from life. Brad got short with her at least a couple times a week. Would that worsen once they were married?
Brad sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.” He set the colander in the sink and took her hand. “I’m just tense over work. We’re behind on a couple of projects and corporate’s putting on the pressure.”
Brad didn’t handle stress well. He liked projects to run smoothly but had a couple of problem employees who notoriously dragged their feet and let projects fall behind. He needed to cut them loose. Instead, he took on more of the burden and worked longer hours, which enabled the slackers to continue dropping the ball. Mark never would have allowed that to happen, but then, this was Brad. Her fiancé. He had a golden heart and believed in second chances. And third chances. And fourth. Okay, so the guy was a pushover at the expense of his own mental and emotional limits, as well as hers, because longer days in the office usually meant a shorter temper at home.
She wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling a sneeze well up in the back of her nose. “Well, after dinner, maybe I can help take your mind off it.”
He patted her hand. “I’d like that, but I really have to work. Rain check?”
Another rain check? For sex? They’d been engaged a week and hadn’t had celebratory sex, yet. This was the third rain check this week. She was beginning to resent those damn slacker employees of his. Not that the sex was stellar. Brad was an engineer in every sense of the word, including in the bedroom. He was methodical, always following the same script. First came kissing then heavy petting. Then they went to the bedroom—sex always took place in bed—and got undressed. Most of the time, he was on top, but occasionally, he let her be on top. But he never took her from behind, and he couldn’t come unless they were in missionary.
The straight and narrow sex was her own fault, though. She’d never spoken up about what she wanted. She’d never suggested they try other things or experiment with other positions. Maybe she would have to do that next time they had sex. If and when she got the chance to cash in her rain checks.
“Sure, okay.” She let go of him, sniffled back her sneeze, and carried the plates to the table while he mixed the sauce and spaghetti together.
“I was thinking,” he said. “I’ve got Jade this weekend. Why don’t we all go to the zoo?”
“Ah-choo!” What a perfect time to let loose, because she could swear she was allergic to Jade as much as to the smell of Brad’s soap.
“Bless you.”
“Thanks.”
“So, how about it. Us. Jade. The zoo this weekend?”
Karma’s heart rate spiked at just the mention of Jade’s name. If she and Brad were going to make it as a couple, she really needed to find a way to get along with that girl. Maybe now that she and Brad were engaged and it became clear Karma wasn’t going anywhere, Jade’s cold shoulder would warm and she would stop being such a brat. Then again, in light of tonight’s session with Jan and all the surprising revelations she’d had, maybe Jade was a symptom of a far bigger problem. Maybe she and Brad didn’t belong together and she was forcing something that wasn’t meant to be, all in the name of denial.
“Sure,” she said, pushing her concerns aside. She wasn’t ready to deal with the possibility that she and Brad weren’t meant to be together. “Sounds like fun.” It sounds like a disaster.
“I want to tell her about us.” He unceremoniously dumped a clump of spaghetti on her plate then his.
Announcing their engagement to Jade would either bring peace or go over like the coming of the Antichrist. As much as Karma hoped for the former, she feared it would be the latter.
“Good idea.” Bad idea, but they had to tell that devil child sooner or later.
Brad set the pan back on the stove and took a seat. “I know things are tense between the two of you, but sooner or later she has to accept that we’re together.” He took her hand. “And I can tell you’re trying.”
Yes, Karma was trying, but her patience was wearing thin. Jade was so damned hardheaded. Observing Brad with Jade, and hearing how he talked about her after the divorce, made it clear that he was overcompensating for no longer being a full-time dad by giving in to all Jade’s demands. And it sounded like Brad’s ex had tried to make a contest out of who could show Jade they loved her more by buying her tons of toys and accusing Brad of ignoring their daughter and laying on the guilt any time he got involved with another woman. Was this what Karma wanted to sign up for? Did she really want to be forced to deal with this uncomfortable, dysfunctional dynamic every day for the rest of her life? She already struggled to keep her own emotions and behavior in check when it came to Jade and Brad’s ex, and they had only officially been together less than six months. What would happen after a year? Two? Five?
Brad’s and his ex’s behavior had already led to one very angry, very spoiled, and extremely entitled little girl who didn’t have a brain-to-mouth filter. What Jade thought
, no matter how rude or disrespectful, Jade vocalized. Was Karma setting herself up for failure right out of the gate?
And since Jade was preteen, Karma was going to get to experience Jade’s rebellious teenage years immediately after saying, “I do.” This could end up being an eight-year migraine in the making.
After dinner, she helped Brad clean up then went home so he could work.
Back inside her apartment, she plopped down on the couch, clicked on the TV, and snagged the bridal magazine off the coffee table.
All her life, she had dreamed of being a bride. Of wearing the white dress, walking down the aisle, and taking vows with her soon-to-be husband. Of starting a family and living the proverbial happily-ever-after.
And here she was, finally engaged. Her dream was coming true. She should be happy. But as she flipped through the magazine, admiring one dress after another, she felt like the dream was slipping away. There were so many arrangements that needed to be made, but instead of excitement, she felt apathy. It was as if the last thing she wanted to do was plan her wedding.
She closed the magazine and tossed it on the coffee table. Feeling weighed down, she pushed off the couch and went to her bedroom, where she flicked on the light in the closet, crossed her arms, and leaned against the doorframe. Her keepsake box stared back at her from the back corner.
Damn Mark. He’d come back and wrecked everything.
She snapped off the light then flopped down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling as she tried to imagine herself walking down the aisle. Maybe imagery would help get her head straight and help her find the excitement she’d felt right after Brad proposed.
But as she imagined herself walking toward the front of the church, to where her groom waited for her, it wasn’t Brad’s face she saw on her husband-to-be. It was Mark’s.
She didn’t need Jan to tell her she was in trouble.
Chapter 20