Jackson’s siblings and their families all came over for supper and to say good-bye on our last evening in Boston. Phoebe, Emily, and Leslie made a phenomenal dinner including an amazing turtle cheesecake for desert. I offered to help a couple of times, but each of them gave me different excuses to get me out of the kitchen. I tried to tell myself that it was a bonding thing between the three of them and nothing to do with my lack of cooking experience, but of course I knew it was. So I spent the time instead in the living room playing with the kids and listening to the gentlemen discuss various aspects of the news.
I hated to see them all leave at the end of the evening. They were all really sweet and Phoebe and I were developing a wonderful friendship. Plus, it was so nice not to have to worry about what everyone thought of Jackson and my relationship for a change. No one in his family judged us, not even Leslie or Carson. We didn’t have to hide or pretend or put on a show for them the way we did around my family and friends. A part of me really dreaded going back to Chicago.
CHAPTER 38
Monday, January 2, 1879
JACKSON LEFT FOR WORK directly after breakfast leaving me alone in the house with our servants for the first time. I went over the daily household chore list and menu with Cora before wandering off into the study. I browsed over the titles of Jackson’s books in his growing library, most of which were law books and held no particular interest to me. I settled for Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar and sat down in Jackson’s comfy chair by the hearth.
Two acts into the play I was bored out of my skull. The constant back and forth between two of the main characters, Brutus and Cassius, was mind numbing. Shakespeare’s work was always somewhat challenging to read, and this morning I was struggling greatly with it. I gave up and put the book aside. I was half tempted to go next door and ask my mother what she did with the long hours of the day before she had children when she was newly married but thought better of it. I did not want to open myself up for another conversation about having children right away.
The clock on the mantle told me it was only ten o’clock. There was still a good eight hours yet before Jackson would return home and all my friends were still at school but Olivia. I paced the study hoping beyond all hope that she would drop over for some coffee or tea. I peeked out the curtains of the side window that faced my old house and saw nothing at all. The place looked unusually still. Now I understood how Emily became a writer.
I went to the foyer and grabbed my winter coat and bonnet off the rack by the door. The bitter wind took my breath away and tore at my exposed face as soon as I opened the front door. I pulled my scarf higher around me until only my eyes could be seen and fought my way down the snow covered walkway and over to the Chandler Estate.
“Good mornin, Mrs. Chandler,” Barnaby greeted me before I even reached the front porch. “Tis mighty cold, ya shouldn’t be out in this here weather.” He quickly closed the door behind me and helped me off with my winter gear.
“Thank you, Barnaby. I had no idea it was so awful outside. Is Mrs. Chandler at home?”
“Yes’m, she’s in the study. You go an’ warm yourself by the fire while I fetch her.” He nodded towards the parlor before he took off in the direction of Robert and Emily’s study.
I was so cold I practically crawled into the fireplace to warm myself back up. My stockings were still dry but the hem of my gown was completely saturated.
“Good morning, Jocelyn. What brings you out on a morning such as this?” Emily’s voice startled me. “Let me guess, my son has gone off to work and you are bored to tears?” She gave me a knowing look and took a seat in the rocker opposite me.
“To be honest, yes,” I confessed.
“Would you like some coffee?”
“Please.”
She called for coffee and their cook, Francis, promptly entered with a silver tray, teapot, cups and saucers. She set them down on the small table and poured our coffee and handed me one.
“Thank you, Francis. That will be all.” Francis disappeared back into the kitchen.
Emily and I sat in silence for several minutes sipping our coffee. It tasted wonderful and I could feel the heat from the liquid soaring through my body. My toes and fingers began to slowly come back to life. I looked over and noticed that Emily was rocking slowing and keeping her eyes on me.
“Feeling better?” she inquired in her soft voice.
“Yes, much. Thank you. I am sorry for my intrusion on your morning.”
“Not at all. I thought perhaps you might come around after Jackson returned to the office.”
“Am I that transparent?” I chuckled.
“Nonsense, I know because I was in your shoes once too. I know how lonely and long the days can become.” She leaned forward and dropped her voice an octave. “Especially when you are more accustomed to a much livelier lifestyle in other places.” She sat back in her rocker and smiled gently.
“I do not know how you and Phoebe do this day in and day out.”
“We all find little things to keep us occupied. I write and sew. Before Wallace was born Phoebe baked a great deal, sewed some, and read a lot. You only need to find something you feel passionate about, something to keep you busy. Things will become easier once your friends finish school and they become married too. That alone will keep you more than busy with social engagements and you will soon be wishing for these days of peace and quiet again.”
“I doubt that.” I tried not to giggle. “It would be so different if Jackson and I could start a family. I truly wish we could.”
“I know, and you will — in time. Your circumstances are unique, but I know that someday the two of you are going to have a beautiful little family all your own,” she assured me. I didn’t dare tell her what Jackson and I already knew because somehow I was sure she already knew it as well.
“Can I ask you a personal question, Mother?”
“Of course.” She sipped her coffee and continued to rock absentmindedly.
“What is your secret? By that I mean, how do you and Mr. Chandler maintain such a successful marriage? The two of you make it look so easy, and after thirty years together you are still very much in love with each other.” I fidgeted stirring my coffee for a moment. “I have seen images of my other parents and they really do not appear to like each other let alone be in love. Jackson told me that their relationship is not that uncommon for that time period and that in fact, yours and Robert’s is. How is that possible?”
“Unfortunately, Jackson is correct in his assessment of Amy and Shane’s relationship. However, I do not know them very well so I cannot tell you specifics.”
“I remember discussing it with Sidney the last time we were together and she said that they no longer have anything in common or spend any time together,” I stated casually.
“She would know better than I. However, I know things tend to be much different for couples in our positions. We share such an amazing and intense gift with our spouses that no one else could possibly relate. That alone does make you much closer. Personally, I believe the key to a successful marriage is being able to not only keep your own identity in the relationship but also sharing the little everyday things with one another. Things such as cooking together in the evening while chatting about your days, doing the grocery shopping together, eating meals together at the dining room table, and attending the children’s activities as a family creates the memories that last even after the children are grown. However, it is just as important to keep a sense of yourself separate from your family as well.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I have a successful career as an author and Robert is a successful attorney in both his lives. We enjoy our individual careers and identity but we do them together. When I write during the evening hours, I do so in our shared study and Robert works on his briefs. We enjoy working within close proximity of each other but on our own projects. We also take long walks together in the evenings where he tells me about his cases and I run o
ver various characters, story twists and settings with him. Robert is my best sounding board for all my novels. I cannot imagine trying to create without his feedback.”
“I had never realized.” My voice was barely above a whisper.
“It is true. Robert is my most trusted advisor, my confidant, my beloved companion. I have spent over thirty years of my life being married to him and I cannot fathom ever waking up without him beside me. You will discover, Jocelyn, with the passing of time, your love for your husband will grow stronger than you ever deemed possible. In time you will know his thoughts as he will yours. You will finish each other’s sentences and have entire conversations with a single look across a room. It is a powerful bond, stronger than any I have ever known with one exception . . . that being between a mother and a child.”
“I believe my parents here share such a relationship, but I have serious doubts about Shane and Amy. From what I can recall Shane is a kind-hearted man who loves his family dearly. Amy, on the other hand, is not nearly as kind. I believe she loves her children but that love is very conditional upon them or rather us, leading the type of life she desires. She seems to care very little about her husband,” I stated as a matter of fact.
“As I mentioned earlier, I know very little of Amy. I do know she is a very career driven woman with extremely high expectations for her children. Her social standing and how the outside world perceives her harmonious family is everything to her. You, my dear, have caused her a great deal of stress in all those categories.”
“No wonder she despises me so.” I looked down at my coffee that had now gone cold.
“No darling, she does not despise you. Not at all. I believe she is jealous that you may be able to find the life that she so desires. She knows how much you love Jackson and her biggest fear is that you have the strength to have it all,” Emily said in a motherly tone.
“I had always thought that a parent wanted their children to be successful, but to also remain true to themselves and their dreams.”
“Sadly, that is not always so. A great many things have changed within the last one hundred and thirty years and women have changed along with them. Some, not for the better. I wish things were different for you there. I truly do.” Emily placed her cup back on the tray. “I believe it is time for lunch. Would you care to join me?”
“Yes, thank you. I would love to.”
***
Emily’s words haunted me long after the comforting lullaby of Jackson’s deep sleep breathing had begun. I worried a great deal about how my family and friends there were going to react when they discovered our marriage and how it would impact my relationship with them. I tried to recall every instance I had previously seen of Amy and Shane to get a better idea of what their life was like together. Nothing in my memories gave me much peace about them. They seemed not to like each other and fought a great deal.
I draped my arm across Jackson’s body and rested my head upon his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. I wanted desperately to believe what Emily had said about people with our gift being more closely bonded than most other couples. I hated to think that the family dynamics demonstrated by most in the twenty-first century could someday invade the bond that we share.
CHAPTER 39
Monday, January 4, 2010
WE SET OUT EARLY for the incredibly long and boring drive back to Chicago. I had been dreading this drive ever since we initially pulled into the Chandler’s driveway in Boston. And so much had happened in the last two weeks it felt like we had been gone a year. In such a short time I had gotten married, went on my honeymoon in New York City, visited the museums, and spent New Year’s Eve in Times Square with thousands of strangers freezing our rears off. Now it was all over and we were headed back to reality at 75 mph. Back to school, homework, friends, basketball practice and games, and the chilling silence from my brother and mom.
We stopped at a Denny’s somewhere in Ohio around noon for some lunch. The wind was whipping around us as we fought against it to make our way across the parking lot to the restaurant. I grabbed ahold of Jackson’s arm and snuggled tightly against him trying to keep warm. The wind felt like it was tearing the skin off my bones.
We sat down in a booth in the back of the diner and immediately ordered some coffee while we scanned over the menu. After placing our orders, Emily reached across the table and placed her hand over mine.
“So, Jocelyn, have you decided what you are going to do when you get home?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and looked over at Jackson before answering. “Yes, I think I am going to tell my dad the truth.”
“We are going to tell him,” Jackson stated.
“Bae, I know you want to be there, but I believe it will go much smoother if I talk to him alone.” I smiled gently. “I am just happy that I don’t have to tell my mother.” I tried to laugh it off but didn’t manage it.
“How do you think he will handle it?” Emily asked, ignoring the statement about Mom.
“I am not really sure.”
“But he knows how difficult things have been for you ever since we announced our engagement. Surely he must see what Amy and Ethan are doing?” Jackson pointed out.
“I know he does but still, I am not sure eloping was exactly what he had in mind to solve the problem.” I tried to imagine the look on his face when I broke the news and the image it brought forth sent chills through my body.
“You realize you can wait to tell him if you want,” Emily offered.
“At least until he files his tax return anyways,” Robert spoke up while pouring another cup of coffee from the pot the waitress had left on the table.
“Excuse me?” I didn’t understand what Robert meant.
Robert looked over at Jackson and raised his eyebrows. “Oh crap, I completely forgot about that.” Jackson slapped his hand down on the table.
“Explain, please.” I looked between the three of them as recognition settled on Emily’s face.
“You and Jackson got married before the end of 2009. Therefore, your parents cannot claim you on their income tax return,” Robert explained.
“Well, that’s that. I guess I don’t have an option then. I have to tell him,” I said less than enthusiastically.
***
I tried my best to fall asleep, but it would not seem to find me. The hum of the tires, however, managed to lull Jackson and Emily off to sleep shortly after we got back on the highway. I leaned my head against the cold backseat window and ran different scenarios through my mind about how in the world I was going to break the news of our marriage to my dad. In every single one I kept picturing Mom’s head exploding and my dad’s face beet red as he screamed at me for hours on end.
***
We turned down our street and every muscle in my body tightened up into a knot. I felt sick to my stomach. I reached over and grabbed Jackson’s hand. “I really do not want to do this,” I whispered.
“We have some time. Nothing says you have to do it tonight,” he whispered back.
“No, I have to. If I wait and tell him later then they will be even more upset at me for keeping it from him.” That much I was sure of.
“I still believe I should go with you.”
“Thank you, but I feel this is something I should do alone. I do not know how he is going to react and I do not want him to take his anger out on you.”
Emily pulled into the drive and shut the Durango off. Robert and Jackson jumped out and stretched then started unloading the luggage. “Jocelyn, what do you want us to do with your bags?” Robert asked when Emily and I joined them.
“Why don’t we take it inside just in case? That way she will have some clothes here if things go poorly with her parents,” Emily offered, keeping her voice solemn. She gave me a weak smile and placed her hand lightly on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze telling me she was just as worried about this conversation as I was.
“Well, I guess I should go talk
to my dad.” I stood there hesitating.
“Are you sure you do not want me to go with you?” Jackson offered again.
“Yes, I’m sure. I’ll be back shortly.” I leaned up and kissed him briefly.
The three of them watched me walk slowly across the street like I was a prisoner on death row walking to the electric chair, which is exactly what I felt like. The night air was cold and damp but it did nothing to cool me down. I was burning up with fear and fighting my best to keep down the hamburger and fries I’d eaten a couple hours before. I reached the front porch and inhaled deeply. I let it out slowly before turning the knob on the front door.
I was greeted by the sounds of Monday night football before I even got the door closed behind me. I knew my dad was in the family room enjoying the game. I only hoped Ethan wasn’t in there with him.
“Hello, I’m home,” I hollered from the foyer.
“Hey, sweetheart, in here,” my dad replied. No one else responded to my announcement.
I casually walked into the family room where my dad was sitting in the recliner watching the game alone. I immediately went to him and gave him a hug and kiss. “Hi Daddy, I missed you.”
“I missed you too. It’s been so quiet around here since you left. How was your trip?” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“It was fabulous. I had the best time.” I went over and sat down on the sofa. “How was your Christmas and New Year’s?”
“Quiet, you just missed Sid and Landon. They left about an hour ago,” he said.
“Aww . . . I wish I could have seen her. How is she doing?”
“Fine, gearing up for another semester. I think she and Landon are getting serious. They seem very happy together,” he shrugged. “He seems like a nice enough young man.”
“I think so. Did anyone miss me while I was gone?”
“I did,” he smiled over at me.
“I am guessing Mom and Ethan weren’t too torn up about me being gone for the last couple weeks.”
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