"I don't think it was about us, mate."
I shook my head. "If we use them to make ourselves look better, it makes it all dirty...cheap."
"We're not using them. She just wanted to show us doing some good. She's hoping it'll make up for you dipping your wick where it doesn't belong."
Fury boiled over in me and I felt like I was going to explode. I strode over to a ball left at the side of the field and kicked it as hard as I could. It flew over the trees at the edge of the field and disappeared. "Fuck!"
"Mate, get a grip," Hammer said, laying a giant hand on my shoulder. "This isn't a bad thing. Erica is just trying to help. Really, she's just doing her job."
I squeezed my eyes shut, forced my heartrate down. I didn't like using these kids at all, for anything, but especially not to make me look good. The idea made me sick. But Hammer wasn't wrong. Erica was doing her best to save my ass, and I'd yelled at her about it. "I don't like it," I bit out.
"Ya don't have to like it. It's not your job."
"And I didn't touch Marissa, either."
"I know you didn't. But it's more fun to pretend you did." Hammer grinned at me, and I let some of his consistent good humor flow into me.
"Thanks for the balls, Hammer. The kids were stoked."
"Everyone loves a good set of Durnish balls," he said, slapping me on the back and nearly knocking me over.
"I think I owe Erica an apology," I said, hating the way I'd let her leave, the way I must've made her feel. The fact that I'd called off our date so fast, without really thinking about what I was doing.
"You might," he agreed. "I'll see you at practice tomorrow."
"See you." I got into my car and sat there for a while, wishing I could sort my feelings better. I was sorry for the way I'd yelled at Erica, and I owed her an apology for that. But I was still angry about using the kids to make myself look better, and she'd put me in the position without even asking me. Part of me wanted to go to her, to apologize and make sure things were okay between us. But part of me worried I'd get angry again and make everything worse.
I sat until the night became dark around me, until the few working lights in the parking lot sprang to life and older kids began to arrive at the park. Some of them were here to hang out innocently enough, but others were lingering around the edges of the darkness—kids like those I'd known who didn't get the chances I'd gotten, who'd turned into the kind of guys who ended up on the news for reasons far less glamorous than mine. Or worse yet, who just disappeared, got written off by the world and met their ends in violence and desperation. I hated how little I could actually help, and the reality made me feel even worse as I took the freeway onramp to leave the Barrio and headed toward my mother's house.
If anyone could help me figure things out, it was Mama. I'd talk to Erica tomorrow.
"And then you yelled at her?" Mama's face showed all the disgust and surprise I was feeling myself over the way I'd sent Erica away.
"I hate the idea of using that team—those kids—for my own gain," I told her, staring at my feet as I sat on Mama's couch. I hadn't even changed after practice, and couldn't sink back into the cushions like I wanted to because I didn't want to sweat all over the place. I felt awful, in more ways than one.
"Son, if you like this girl, you need to apologize."
"We haven't even gotten to go out yet, and I've already ruined everything." There was a hollow ache inside me every time I pictured Erica’s hurt face, her questioning eyes. I hated that I’d hurt her, and the thought of never making things right was eating me alive.
"Probably not," she said, shaking her head and patting my knee.
I sighed, wishing I'd done everything right so Mama didn't have to worry about me. She should be the focus when we were together. My mama and her health. "How are you feeling?"
She smiled. "Still coughing, but otherwise okay."
"Has the doctor's office called?"
She leaned back into the corner of the couch, tucking her thin legs beneath her and picking up her teacup to hold between her hands. "They said maybe tomorrow, or else early next week."
Frustration swirled inside me again, pressing darkness into corners that had previously been lit, and making me feel helpless and alone. "Okay," I said, though nothing felt okay at all. "You'll call me as soon as you hear anything, right?"
"Of course, Mijo."
I balled my hands into fists and pressed them into my eyes. "I should go home, shower. Try to forget today ever happened." The bad thing was that tomorrow might be even worse. If I couldn't get Erica to forgive me, I wouldn't be taking out the girl of my dreams tomorrow night. Instead, I'd be sitting on my couch alone, watching the media help Marissa tear me apart.
"Mijo," Mom's voice cut through my angst and I opened my eyes, turning my focus to where she was pointing. I recognized the location shown on the screen instantly. The field. And there was Hammer, pointing and yelling, as kids jumped around him and soccer balls flew in ninety directions at once.
I bit my tongue as we turned up the volume, and my own face flashed across the screen briefly. Then Coach Valenzuela appeared, and I heard Erica's voice.
"Can you tell me how long the team has been coming down here to help?"
"Since Fernando Fuerte joined the Sharks, really."
"Really? Fernando? Why is that?"
"This was his team when he was a kid. He's been coming to practice down here since he was eight. We used to play together, actually. Fernando is here almost every week. Sometimes he brings some of the other guys, like tonight. They help with the coaching, come to some of the games. These kids, you know, they don't have a lot at home. But this...they have something some of those other teams don't get, right? Those north county teams with all the money and the fancy uniforms. Those kids have it a little easier maybe. Their parents can afford more. But down here? We have Fernando Fuerte and the Sharks."
The footage cut back to the Sharks running drills with the kids, and zoomed in on me in the midst of the players all moving around me, dribbling as I stood there looking angry. The end of the piece showed the kids giving the guys high fives and crowding around Hammer, and had a voiceover—not Erica this time, someone else—saying what a benefit it was having such selfless professional athletes willing to give their time and energy to kids who needed it.
Shame flooded me. Erica had been right. She'd known exactly what she was doing. The piece was amazing, and it didn't focus on the kids, not really. It turned what we were doing down in Barrio Logan into a call to other people in places of privilege to use what they had to help others. It was brilliant. And my anger had almost ruined it. I could have helped, could have made it even better, but instead they’d had to film around me.
"Mijo, that was amazing. I'm proud of you." My mother moved over and put her arms around me, pulling my head onto her shoulder. "You're a good boy, Fernando. Don't let anyone tell you different." She held me for a moment, and even though I wasn't a little kid anymore, even though I should have stood up and been strong, manly—I let her. And I took every ounce of love and warmth and strength my mother offered.
A moment later, she released me, wracked by a coughing fit that had worry spiking in me, overtaking all my other concerns. "Mama?"
"I'm fine," she said when she could breathe again. "I'm fine."
I went home that night with more to think about than I could handle, and when the sun finally rose again, spilling orange and yellow splashes across the calm surface of the ocean outside, I had a plan.
Chapter 35
Worn Slap Out
Erica
Theo called me at home just after the piece aired, but I didn't answer it. He was either calling to tell me how completely inadequate it was or to tell me I'd done a good job. Since he'd never in my life told me I'd done a good job, I had a pretty solid feeling which one it would be. And I couldn't handle it tonight.
I kept replaying the scene with Fernando at the park. He'd been so angry, spitting his words at
me between clenched teeth, treating me like I was the enemy. Why couldn't he see how much work I was doing to try to help him? Why couldn't he understand that?
And then he'd cancelled our date without a second thought. The ease and speed with which he'd done it made me almost certain I was just another girl in the long line of broken hearts Fernando Fuerte left behind. I'd known he was a player in the first place. I should have listened to my gut, not to stupid Mr. Match and my buffoon brother.
The piece went on during the late news, and even though it was perfect—better than I could have imagined it would be—I knew Fernando wouldn't see it that way.
When Friday morning dawned bright and beautiful, I texted Annette at the office and went back to bed.
Me: I’m not going to make it in today. Not feeling well.
Annette: Don’t you worry, darlin. I know you’re worn slap out.
I wasn’t sure what Annette meant, but “worn slap out” sounded about right.
Whatever would be would be, it wouldn't matter if I was in the office or not. I'd lie in my cozy bed where I couldn't be hurt or disappointed any more, and wait for the HOT-LA segment to be over. Then I could get up and write off this entire episode in my sad little life.
"Sis, you sick?" Trace filled my doorway later as consciousness retook me. I picked up my phone to check the time. It was noon. Morning practice must be over.
"Kind of," I moaned.
He stepped into my darkened room, and I pushed myself up against the pillows so I could see him. Concern made his eyes wide in the dusky light. "You okay? Need anything?"
I blew out a sigh. "I just need today to be over."
"Anything I can help with?"
I shook my head, but felt my resolve to stay in bed all day slipping. "What are you doing today?"
"No real plans. Might make sweet sweet love to my Playstation and a bag of popcorn."
"Wanna go see a movie or something?" I needed to be somewhere away from the real world, and a movie sounded perfect.
"Sure. But you have to take a shower. Or like, a whore’s bath at least.”
“Whore’s bath?” I almost didn’t have the energy to ask.
“Pits and p—” Trace stopped talking abruptly and his mouth pulled into a horrified “o” as he realized that he’d almost discussed female genitalia with his sister. “You know. The other.”
“Very nice,” I said.
“Get some Axe bodyspray going on or hose down with some Febreeze or something. Your room smells like sadness and I don't want it on me."
"Thanks." I probably did smell like sadness. And self-loathing, and a million other things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, let alone my brother.
"Meet you in twenty."
I sighed again and forced my feet to the plush carpet, shuffling to the bathroom to wash the stink of sadness from my skin. And my other parts.
I spent the day with my twin, laughing hysterically at the latest Will Ferrell movie and shoveling popcorn into my mouth. I forced myself not to check my phone. When I had woken up that morning and still had no apology from Fernando, I realized he was serious. Whatever had been between us was over. The sooner I accepted it, the better.
Trace and I were at a little restaurant near home when the HOT-LA piece came on the television over the bar. It felt like everyone in the place hushed to listen as Marissa's face filled the screen, and she looked beautiful and sad, and just a little bit like a department store mannequin as she began to talk.
But the words she said were not the ones I had expected to hear.
"Theo Molton is a cheater and a liar," she said, squaring her shoulders toward the woman who sat across from her. Then she proceeded to throw out a list of the times he'd cheated in their marriage, and reveal that he had money in offshore accounts and hadn't been honest on his taxes in years.
Trace and I gaped at each other, our mouths hanging open.
This. Was not what I expected. Like, at all. I stood up, mostly because a sudden bolt of energy flashed through me and I didn’t know what to do with it. Marissa had just ruined her ex-husband and probably started a string of events that would definitely involve a tax fraud investigation and could end up with him in prison.
I wanted to call Fernando, but I knew I couldn’t. Instead I just put a hand on my brother’s arm and squeezed until he poked me and said, “Ow, quit it.”
Marissa ended her flaming bash of the Sharks owner by telling the world that he had a proclivity for sleeping in her nighties but she'd ignored it because he said it just made him feel closer to her. The interviewer's face revealed clearly that she did not for one second believe that was the reason.
Finally, the interviewer asked about Fernando, and Marissa's face softened. "He's a good man. He was a friend when I needed one, and he does more for this community than Theo ever will."
She'd clearly seen the news the night before. My chest swelled.
I stared at Trace, and my phone chimed.
My stupid heart actually jumped, hoping it would be Fernando, but I had two texts coming in at once. And neither was Fernando:
Theo: In case you didn't get the message this morning: You're fired. And after this, if I could fire you twice, I would.
Wonderful. I hadn't listened to his message earlier. I didn't think I was strong enough for whatever he had been planning to tell me. I was glad I hadn’t, but the knowledge that my PR career with the Sharks had come to a sudden end wasn’t something I could process right that moment.
Marissa: Just wanted to make sure you saw HOT-LA. You were right. Fernando is a good person. Sorry for all the trouble.
I didn't want to tell Marissa I had more trouble now than I had before, thanks to her ex firing me. I did appreciate her change of heart, though. Even if Fernando and I weren't going to be together, I didn't want to see him dealing with dirty lies about his character. Especially when his mom was sick.
Trace had seen both texts, and he wrapped a big arm around my shoulders, squeezing me tight. "It's okay, sis. You don't need that job. You're a rock star. We'll find you something better. Or you can be my personal valet if you want."
"Because that's my dream in life." I’d already spent most of my life in my brother’s shadow. Maybe it was time I stepped a little farther away. Maybe I needed to get into the light.
My phone dinged once more, and Trace picked it up as I reached for it, turning to me with a frown. "Fuerte's at our place looking for you."
I couldn't help the way my heart lifted, the way my limbs suddenly felt fueled with something hot and energizing, the way my smile crept across my face.
But I was hurt and angry. He wrote me off the day before, thinking the worst of me and never giving me a chance to explain. It was the same pattern I’d started when I’d first found out about Marissa’s allegations. Would we ever be able to get to a place where we trusted the other person first?
I wanted to stay mad, to prove a point. But my heart wanted Fernando. I dropped my head into my hands.
"He called me yesterday," Trace said, lifting an eyebrow. "Is our bet still on, sis?"
"Did you talk to him when he called? What did he say?"
Trace shook his head. “I didn’t answer. I was in the shower. Fuerte’s not my first choice in shower-times companionship.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I hit him in the shoulder.
"I don't know about the bet," I told him. "But I think Mr. Match might have been right about Fuerte and me."
"Seriously?" Trace sighed. "So we have to go home now?" He looked longingly at the half-eaten plate of nachos on the bar in front of us.
"We'll need a box," I told the bartender as Trace stuffed about fifteen more into his face.
I texted Fuerte back, uncertain what I would say to him or how I felt about the way he'd dismissed me yesterday. If he had an apology for me, I could probably forgive him anything.
Me: On my way home.
Chapter 36
Roses for Trace
Fernando
; I felt a little silly standing on Erica's front doorstep with the huge bouquet in my arms, waiting for her to get home. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say. I knew flowers didn't make up for much, but I did hope they'd at least earn me a conversation, a chance to apologize.
I heard their car pull into the garage, and nerves swirled in my gut, making me feel shakier than I ever had before a match. When Trace stepped out from around the corner, my heart stuttered in my chest, but then Erica stepped out behind him, and my vision tunneled to her beautiful face.
"Fuerte," Trace said, his voice mocking and high. "You brought me flowers! You shouldn't have..." He opened the door and motioned me in, taking the flowers from my hands and burying his face in the roses. "I'll just put these in some water and then we can go make out."
I punched him in the ribs.
"Hey," Erica said, her voice low, uncertain.
"Hey," I said, turning to face her. I had a lot to say, but with Trace standing right there, I wasn't sure I wanted to unload it all. "Can we talk somewhere?"
She nodded, but Trace stepped near again, having dumped the flowers into the sink.
"Wait a minute, what is this, exactly?" he asked. "Dude, are you trying to get with my sister? Didn't I warn you about that?"
I took a deep breath. Clearly, I'd need to handle Trace before I could say what I needed to say to Erica. "Trace, I'd like to take your sister out. And the way I see things, you don't play a role here. I'll ask her if she's willing, she'll answer, and what happens next is between us. Are we clear?" I pulled myself to my full height and got just a hair closer than was comfortable, hoping he'd read the subtle threat.
His next words were not quite what I'd expected. He laughed, and then turned to Erica. "I guess you win. I'll get your precious cheese when I go to the store tomorrow."
Mr. Match: The Boxed Set Page 18