Tanner stepped forward as if he was going to try to comfort me, but he froze halfway there, looking unsure of what to do. Symon ran over to me, cupped my cheeks and pulled my face down into the crook of his neck. I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my arms around him, tucking myself down into him. He rubbed my back and held me tight as I sobbed on his shoulder.
I hadn’t meant to say all those things; I hadn’t meant to put so much on the table, but as soon as my mouth opened up, it all spilled out and now I couldn’t stop my emotions from running wild. He left me all alone for five years. He told me he loved me and made me all these promises, then shattered my heart in a split-second.
And even though it’d been five years, sometimes my heart still felt like it’d happened yesterday. He broke me, and I haven’t been the same since.
Symon held me for a few minutes before I felt a hand on my shoulder. Tanner whispered, “I’m here now, Jax. I know it doesn’t make up for what I did, but I’m here now.”
I nodded against Symon, then slowly let go of him. He smiled sadly at me and gave me an encouraging nod before I turned and slipped right into Tanner’s waiting arms. I didn’t look at his face, I couldn’t. I shoved my face against his neck and put my arms around his waist as he wrapped me in his warm embrace. I took a deep breath and a few more tears fell. Tanner still smelled the same—like soap and somehow spicy—even after all these years.
Tanner rubbed my back, and finally fucking started talking. I didn’t move, though, I couldn’t. I didn’t want to look at him, I just wanted him to comfort me. “You know my family has always been tough on me; they’ve always had it out for me because I like guys. They can’t seem to understand that just because I like girls, too, it doesn’t mean that a girl is who I want to end up with. When they found out we were moving in together—into a one-bedroom apartment—my dad lost his mind. He was screaming and threatening me. He told me he wouldn’t help with school anymore; he told me he’d take my car away because his name was on it, too. He told me he’d disown me, that I wouldn’t be a part of the family anymore, that I wouldn’t even be allowed to celebrate Christmas or Easter with them. He said that my mother would be disappointed in me. He kept saying ‘Why can’t you be more like Gallagher? You’re a disgrace on this family.’ I just… I didn’t know what to do. I loved you so much, but I was afraid to lose my family, especially after Mom died. I was afraid to lose everything.”
I leaned back and stepped out of his arms. “I would’ve helped you, Tanner. I would’ve helped you figure it out. We could’ve found a solution together if you would’ve told me things were that bad at home.”
He leaned back, sitting on the armrest of the couch. “I know that now, but I didn’t realize it back then.”
I nodded and walked over to the loveseat where Symon was sitting, and I sat on the armrest near him. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his head against my hip. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.
Tanner cleared his throat. “I ended up talking to Gallagher that week and decided that maybe I really should be more like him. Maybe Dad was right, maybe I needed to follow in my brother’s footsteps. So I looked into it and found a recruiter. Before I knew it, I was signing a contract and… I thought it would fix things with my family.” He looked at me with those pleading eyes again. “You have to know that I never meant to hurt you. You have to understand… I thought… I thought I’d be able to convince you to do the long-distance thing. I thought we’d be strong enough to get through it, and that my dad would finally be proud of me instead of calling me a disappointment and failure. I just…” he trailed off.
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Why didn’t you tell me all of this when we talked?”
“Do you remember what we were talking about that day? Before I brought it up, I mean?”
I shrugged and shook my head.
He took a deep breath. “Preston and Jude went to different colleges, right? And they tried the long-distance thing, but it ended up backfiring on them. They wound up fighting and screaming at each other until they finally broke up. We had just seen Preston that morning, and when we got back to your apartment, you kept going on and on about how you didn’t understand how anyone could make a long-distance relationship work. And how you thought it was selfish of Jude to move away and expect Preston to just wait for him to come back. You said… you said you could never be in a relationship like that because it would make you too depressed to never see your boyfriend.”
Hearing him say it, I sort of remembered saying all of that. I certainly remembered hearing all about Preston’s relationship and how hard it’d been. I looked at Tanner. “I remember, but, Tan, why didn’t you give me a chance to talk to you about it? You broke up with me. You… you told me we were over so you could go join the army and travel the world or some bullshit like that. You acted like staying with me would’ve held you back—”
“No, that’s not what I meant—”
“Even if that’s not how you meant it, that’s how it came off.” I angrily wiped my cheeks. “You didn’t give me a chance.” I shook my head and glanced over, seeing Tanner wipe his own cheeks. “You know what hurt the most? The fact that you went behind my back and did all of that, made all of these plans without me while we were planning on moving in together. I had no idea you were even thinking about any of that. You caught me completely off guard because I had thought we were finally in a good place again. I thought you loved me, I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And then bam, you break up with me and leave my life for good. Can you just… think about how hard that was for me? How hard it was to have my best friend, my one… person just up and leave me without any warning. You… you fucking broke me, Tanner. I felt like a piece of me died that day.”
Tanner was crying and he took a shuddering breath. “I know… I was awful. And I’m so fucking sorry, Jax, I’m so fucking sorry. If I could go back in time and redo it, I never would’ve left you. I’m just so sorry. There’s nothing I can do but beg for your forgiveness and pray that you’ll trust me again.”
“You… you made it impossible for me to trust anyone in a relationship. I know that’s… harsh, but it’s true. I’ve never trusted anyone, not completely, not since that day you left me.”
Tanner let out a sob and stood up, turning his body away from us, hunched over as he cried harder than I’d ever seen him cry.
Symon looked up at me, and I could tell that he was a little angry at me for saying that I’d never trusted anyone, but he was also worried about leaving me alone to go comfort Tanner. I nodded at him, then at Tanner to tell Sy it was okay. He squeezed me a little, then jumped up and walked around to Tanner, pulling him onto his shoulder.
Symon started whispering things into Tanner’s ear too quiet for me to hear. He held him and comforted him while he sobbed, and I quietly cried by myself. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. I hadn’t meant to hurt either of them. But now that the words were out of my mouth, I didn’t know how to fix it.
Symon released Tanner and headed toward me, but I waved him off. If he hugged me, I’d only cry harder and I didn’t want to cry at all. I needed my tears to dry up.
Symon shot me a worried glance, then pulled Tanner back into his arms and looked over Tan’s shoulder at me. “I’m taking him to bed. You need to… figure out what you want. I know you have every right to be pissed at him; I’m not trying to take that away from you. But you need to figure out how to get past this, Jax. We’re building something new here, but you keep holding yourself back. I… I want you to get past this and really, truly be with us. Holding this against him is not okay.” He looked away while Tanner remained tucked into his neck. Symon took a deep breath before looking at me again. “I hope you come to bed with us soon, but… when you come in there, I hope you’ll be ready to move forward. Please just think about what you need us to do to make this work, okay? We’ll be in there whenever you’re ready.”
When Symon walked away, I
slid down onto the loveseat and brought my knees up to my chest. I knew Symon was right, I knew Tanner was right, I knew that I needed to let this go so we could move on. But I was still hurting, even after all these years. Tanner had broken my heart into a million pieces, and I didn’t think it’d ever be the same. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves, calm my crazy emotions. I thought about what life would look like if I couldn’t move forward from this. There was no way Tanner and Symon would be able to be in my life for long if I kept pushing Tanner away. There was no way anyone would be able to be with me. I would lose Tanner. I would lose Symon. And I’d be all alone again. Alone was the last thing I wanted. I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
I didn’t want to lose them. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life. I’d fallen in love with Symon months ago. And I’d fallen in love with Tanner when we were kids. If I were being honest, I never fell out of love with him. And now I loved him even more than I had before.
So it wasn’t a matter of letting them go. There was no way in the world I could do that. It was simply a matter of finding a way for me to trust them completely and let go of the past. Could I do that? I’m going to have to find a way.
I wiped my face, trying to get rid of my tear streaks, then I stood up from the couch and slowly made my way into the bedroom. Symon and Tanner were sitting on the edge of the bed with Tanner’s head on Sy’s shoulder. When I walked in, they both looked at me. Tanner looked heartbroken as he sat up fully, and Symon clenched his jaw looking like he was preparing for a blow to the face.
Taking a shaky breath, I whispered, “I want to be with you both. And… and I want to get past this, but I don’t know how. I want to trust you, but I think… I think it’s going to take some time. Can you… do you think you can be patient with me? Can you wait for me to be… okay?”
Symon stood up and walked over to me. “Of course, Romeo. All I want is for you to try.” He hugged me, so I wrapped him in my arms and kissed the side of his head.
Tanner looked up at me with that tear-streaked face that made me feel guilty. He whispered, “I want to be with you, too.”
I nodded and opened one arm. He immediately came over to me and hugged me with one arm behind my back and the other behind Sy’s. I buried my nose in Tanner’s hair and took a deep breath. He pushed his nose into the side of my neck, and I felt tears on my skin again. I rubbed his back and Symon pressed closer to us so his head was on Tanner’s shoulder and against my chest. We stood that way for a long time. No one said anything, we just hugged and held each other.
When we finally broke apart, we climbed into bed and they let me sleep in the middle, wrapped up in my men all night long.
Tanner
I woke up and was surprised to find Jax hugging me with his face buried in my chest. He didn’t usually lay on me—if anything, he pulled me or Symon into him in his sleep. I guess maybe our talk last night affected him, but I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, yet. Having him on my chest like this made me feel like maybe we’d be okay, so hopefully it was a good thing.
Jax stirred and I frowned, thinking he was going to move away, but then he pressed closer to me and scooted until his whole body was half on top of me. I wrapped him in my arms and kissed the top of his head. He managed to get his arms tighter around me as he pressed his forehead into my neck. I had no doubt that he was awake.
After a few seconds, he whispered, “I missed you.” I knew he meant more than just this past week.
“I missed you too.” My voice cracked a little.
Suddenly Jax let out a sob against my neck as he pulled me even closer to him. “I missed… you, Tan.”
The sound of his broken voice as he cried wrecked my heart and before I knew it, I was crying into his hair, too. “I know… I’m so sorry.”
He nodded against my neck. “I know you are.” He sniffed, his wet tears dripping down my neck, my own running down my cheeks. “Don’t ever leave me again.”
I tightened my hold on him and cupped the back of his head as I kissed his hair. “I won’t. I promise I won’t.”
He took a shaky breath and nodded against me again. “I can’t… I can’t lose you again. I won’t survive.”
My chest clenched as pain shot through me. I’d hurt him more than I could ever imagine. I’d never hurt him again. “I can’t lose you, either.”
He took a few shaky breaths, trying to calm his breathing and get his tears under control. He hated crying, he always had. The fact that he finally let it out just now was a huge step forward. I hated that I was the cause of his tears, but I was thankful he was finally letting it out.
“Is Symon still asleep?” Jax’s voice was quiet. He sounded so vulnerable, my heart clenched further.
“I’m right here, Jax,” Symon said quietly from the other side of Jax. I couldn’t see Sy over Jax’s head, so I had no idea how long he’d been awake.
Jax sniffled. “Come over here.”
I felt Symon shift on the bed, and when he sat up some, he looked at me with worry written all over his face. I opened my arm and he hesitantly laid down with his head on Jax’s upper back. Jax let out a sigh of relief once Symon was settled over him. I wrapped my arm over Sy’s back and buried my hand into his hair to run the soft strands through my fingers. The extra weight didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I wished I could get both of them completely over me so I could hold them more firmly in my arms.
After a few minutes, Jax said, “You have to promise to never leave me, either, Sy.”
After a slight pause, Symon whispered, “I’m not going anywhere, Jaxon.”
Jax let out another breath of relief. “Good. I know where you live, so you can’t make a run for it.”
A soft chuckle escaped my chest. A few seconds later, Symon said, “I wouldn’t run anywhere without the two of you with me.”
Jax lifted his hand off my chest, reaching over his shoulder, and Symon immediately grabbed it, threading their fingers together. Jax kissed Sy’s fingertips, then tucked their combined hands between us. I continued playing with Symon’s hair with one hand and began using my other to rub Jax’s bare arm.
The three of us lay there quietly for a long time, soaking each other in.
No matter what the future brought, I knew in that moment that I would always fight for the two men I was in love with.
Chapter Twenty
Tanner
It’d been a week since Jax had finally let me apologize, and he had seemed a little more open and maybe lighter all week. We’d stayed at Symon’s house every single night, even if one of us had to sneak into bed because they worked late. At this point, I was seriously thinking about asking them if we should just move in together. Half my clothes were at Sy’s place, a few were at Jax’s, and my place was basically never used.
Symon stretched out beside me and smiled. “I want to get a pet.”
I chuckled. “Well, good morning to you, too.”
He pursed his lips. “Don’t you want to get one? Let’s get a pet pig.”
I snorted. “I don’t think your lease allows pet pigs.”
“But they let dogs in. Why wouldn’t they let a pig?”
I shook my head at him and leaned in to kiss his cheek before I laid my head on his shoulder. “You could always ask.”
“What would we name him?”
“So it’s a boy, huh?”
“Obviously.”
“Hamlet.”
“That’s cute. What about Pigsty?”
I laughed. “I like that one. What about Piglet, like with Pooh Bear?”
He chuckled. “Wilbur.”
“Pumbaa!”
“Hogzilla.”
“Oinkers.”
“Grunt.”
Jax groaned. “You two know I’m trying to sleep, right?”
“Sorry,” Sy and I said together as I leaned up on my elbow to look at
him.
Jax waved a hand at us, but his eyes were still shut. “Obviously, we’d name him Bacon.”
I chuckled and Symon gasped. “We’re not naming our pig Bacon! That’s mean.”
“Then we could name him Beefcake.”
“But he’s a pig.”
“Exactly. Then it’s not mean.”
Symon playfully shoved Jax, but he was like an immovable rock, lying on his stomach, spread out and taking up three-quarters of the bed. Jax chuckled, then rolled over and pulled Symon on his chest—all with his eyes closed.
Symon leaned up and put his arms on Jax’s chest, crossing them and resting his chin on top so he could look at Jax. “You need to wake up, anyway, if you want to get anything done before we have to go to that cookout at your mom’s.”
I frowned a little because I didn’t know what they were talking about. Was I not invited to this cookout? I’d thought we were in such a good place. Was he only taking Symon so he could pretend he was in a relationship with only him?
“Shit, I totally forgot about that. I can’t remember what time it starts,” Jax muttered.
Symon rolled his eyes, then looked at me. “Do you remember what time it starts?”
“Um, I don’t know about any cookout,” I said.
Symon’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
I tapped my fingers on my thigh. “I wasn’t invited or told about a cookout.”
“Of course, you were invited,” Symon said before poking Jax in the chin. “Right?”
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