by L B Winter
I was so nervous my hands were almost shaking too much to answer, but I wrote, Sounds great.
Taylor nudged me. “Hey. Who was that?”
“A friend,” I said. “I mean, technically an acquaintance. The guy who cut my hair today.”
Jamie looked over curiously, but said nothing. Taylor said, “What did he want?”
“Just to hang out.”
“Like a date?” Taylor prodded, and I rolled my eyes.
“I’m gonna go to bed.”
“It’s only ten o’clock.”
“I’m tired,” I said.
Jamie finally spoke up and said, “I’m surprised you aren’t out with Steven tonight.”
“He and Trent are on a date,” I said. “And I’m pretty sure Lynn is, too.”
That was enough to distract Taylor from my date—at least momentarily. “Seriously? Again? With the same dude as before?”
I briefly considered not telling Taylor that I knew a little bit more about the situation than he did, but I finally decided the mystery would only fuel his pointless crush even more.
“Yeah, it’s the same guy. He’s from her gym; his name’s Deacon.”
“Deacon? What kind of name is that?”
I shrugged. “She said he’s really cool, though. He’s a couple years older than her, and he’s a widower.”
“How do you know all that?”
Lynn and I had had lunch earlier in the week, and I’d grilled her about the mystery guy. “She told me at lunch,” I said, and Taylor huffed and folded his arms.
His silence made space for Jamie to bring up Zeke again. “So are you dating this guy?”
“What?”
“Hair guy,” he said, gesturing to his own mop of hair, which obviously hadn’t been cut in a long time. If Steven liked him better, he’d probably be getting the “chop your mullet” talk next. “The guy who texted you.” His eyes drifted up to my head, getting just the tiniest bit darker. He was definitely into the haircut.
“Oh, um…I don’t know that I would say dating, but we are going out, so…”
“When?” Jamie asked.
I raised my eyebrows at him; was he jealous? If he was, it served him right. I hated the thought of him with Ellen, and I’d had that thrown in my face more times than I could count.
Meanwhile, Taylor shoved me on the shoulder. “Dude! I didn’t know you were actually going out with somebody.”
“We only went out for the first time today,” I said, “after my haircut.”
“What, so he cut your hair and then just asked you out?” Taylor said.
“No, it wasn’t really like that,” I said. “I think Steven was trying to set us up. He knew I was single. He knew a little bit about me, so Steven must have said something.”
Taylor shook his head. “That’s crazy, man.”
“What is?”
“I have so much trouble getting any girl to want to go out with me. You just show up at a gay bar, and all the dudes flock to you. Now you meet somebody once and he wants to date you.”
I glanced at Jamie again before answering, “I’m not sure you’re remembering the gay bar right.”
Taylor shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong; they liked me, too. But you were pretty popular.”
Jamie definitely looked upset now, so I decided to change the subject. “Whatever. It’s just dinner. I don’t even know if I like him. I just want to get to know him and see.”
“What’s his name?” Jamie asked.
“Zeke,” I answered. “Ezekiel.”
I stood up and stretched, then walked past them to the bathroom. I said goodnight and went to my room, and was surprised to hear a soft knock on the door. I thought it must be Tay, so I went right over to open it, but it wasn’t him.
“Jamie,” I said, seeing him standing there.
“Hey,” he said. “Got a minute?”
“Yeah. Want to come in?” I said, stepping back and gesturing toward my desk chair.
“Sure,” he answered, and he sat down. I sat across from him on my bed and waited.
“I think I should definitely go back to counseling, like we talked about,” he sighed. “There’s a lot that I need to work through.”
I hadn’t known what to expect, so I was relieved that this was all he wanted to talk about. I didn’t even know what I was expecting, but this was a relief. “That’s great, Jamie,” I said. “I’m proud of you for doing that.” Inwardly, I cringed. I’m proud of you for doing that? What was that supposed to mean?
Jamie didn’t seem to mind. “Yeah, thanks,” he said. “Trouble is, I’m not sure how to arrange it. I mean, I’m not a student and the person who saw me before made it clear that I wasn’t really supposed to be receiving student services.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“I was wondering if you had any ideas. Maybe if your dad knew somebody? Someone from church?”
I nodded; I knew my dad knew people, but they were all from the conversion therapy crowd. I told Jamie that, and he shook his head. “No, that’s…that’s definitely not what I need.”
I smiled, even more relieved. “Great. Agreed.” We were quiet for a moment, but then I remembered my counseling appointment. “Actually, I know the perfect person to help us figure this out,” I said. Mrs. Kesseler’s enthusiasm was about to pay off in a big way. “Leave it to me.”
***
Christmas break was only two weeks away. Being sure of what I wanted to do next semester was great, but it was also really limiting. I felt, for the first time, like the pressure was on. I had to focus, find internships, be intentional. I had to “adult.” It wasn’t an easy pill to swallow, though I suppose everybody has to go there at some point. The only thing that made me handle it better was the knowledge that I was privileged to even have this opportunity. I mean, look at Jamie—not enrolled in college, on his way to being divorced, with no marketable job skills.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He was a great worship band leader. I’d seen him myself; there were videos online from his old church. I could tell it was something he loved to do, and it hurt that he couldn’t do it anymore. But his musical talent was undeniable.
I’d worked out for Jamie to start seeing a therapist at the counseling center after Ms. Kesseler had spoken personally with them, under the guise of him being a prospective student under extraordinary circumstances. It was all going to be totally pro bono, which was amazingly cool of them. I don’t know who, ultimately, was footing the bill, because nothing is actually free. All I knew was, Ms. Kesseler had acted like I’d done her the favor by asking her to help.
On Friday, my date with Zeke started out fine. He picked a nice restaurant, and we agreed to split the bill because there wasn’t really a stereotypical protocol for who pays when it’s two dudes on a date. We made out in his car afterward, and then I agreed to come to his place. His apartment was really small, but just as fashionable as he was. Black leather furniture, lamps with blue lampshades that gave everything a sort of futuristic glow, artwork on the walls that reminded me of the modern art museum I’d visited for a school field trip in the 8th grade. Everything was purposeful; everything was for show. It just didn’t jive with me. It didn’t feel real, and personal, and honest.
Zeke wasn’t exactly pushy, but he also wasn’t subtle. We were on his couch, and he was very hard. He had me underneath him, grinding down on top of me, and pushing his tongue in my mouth a little bit too aggressively for me to misinterpret. And I was responding; he was hot, and interesting enough, and a great kisser.
But I felt like a total twerp because I just genuinely didn’t want to have sex with him. It just didn’t feel right. He’d picked me up in his car, so I felt like I was stuck at his place, and I didn’t know what to do. I should never have agreed to come over in the first place; I didn’t even really know why I did it.
I just kept thinking that it would have been a million times better to make out with Jamie. Good lord, what was the matter with
me?
After a half hour, I went to the bathroom and texted Steven that I was trapped and thinking about Jamie and not into Zeke, and he called me right away.
“Why,” he said, “do you even have thoughts like that?”
“Hello to you, too,” I answered.
“You are being self-destructive, and you know it. Fantasizing about something you can’t have will not help. Jamie isn’t even on the table, so stop thinking about your homophobic, married ex. Baggage city, my friend.”
“I don’t really think he’s my ex…”
“He is. And you cannot compare actual, real-life gays who go on real-life dates with you to him. Okay?”
“Okay, okay. Sheesh.”
Steven said, “Are you really having a bad time?”
“Yes,” I said honestly. “I don’t know why. He’s nice enough. He’s hot. But…I don’t know. I just feel off. Something feels off.”
“You’re at his place?”
“Yes. I’m in his bathroom because I was afraid I’d accidentally have sex with him, too.”
Steven let out a bark of laughter, then sighed. “Okay. Hang on. I’ll be by to get you. Text me the address.”
“Really? Oh, thank you!”
I came out of the bathroom and apologized to Zeke. Not wanting to lie, I explained that I just wasn’t feeling it, and that it was me, not him. He seemed super offended, and I didn’t know what to do. Maybe I should have lied to spare his feelings. But I hadn’t thought that would be necessary, because the problem really wasn’t with him at all. I just hadn’t felt that connection that I need to have before I have sex with somebody. Zeke asked if I needed a ride, and I explained about my phone call to Steven. Then I sat out front and waited so I would be ready to meet Steven when he came by fifteen minutes later.
“You are the best person in the world,” I told him as I hopped into the car. “Have I ever told you that?”
“You tell me regularly,” he said. “Look how cute you are, all dressed up for your date.”
I sighed and flattened my hair, which Zeke had been running his hands through all night. It had been odd to think that he was probably admiring his own handiwork.
“Thanks,” I said. “I wanted to look like somebody he’d be into, but…I don’t know. I didn’t feel like myself.”
Steven said, “I can understand that.”
“So what are you guys up to tonight?”
“Lynn is out again with Deacon, and me and Trent are trying to learn Japanese.”
I laughed. “Your instructional videos came in the mail?”
“Yes, they did,” he said. The guys were planning a trip to Japan for summer after next. “We started working on the first lesson.”
“I guess you got sushi to eat while you learn,” I said.
“Naturally,” he answered. “You know us too well.”
“Right? All this useless Steven and Trent knowledge takes up so much space in my brain.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I’m sure we do. I know I find us exhausting!”
I laughed, too. “Completely. Most exhausting, best people I know.”
He shook his head. “We love you, too, our little prude.”
Steven came up to our dorm room with me to say hi to Taylor, whom he hadn’t seen since Thanksgiving. He was studying in his room, while Jamie was out on the couch. Steven went in to see Taylor, but Jamie called to me to join him.
“Hey,” I said, sitting beside him.
“How was your date?” he asked. He was looking very casual about it all, which inexplicably bothered me.
“I asked Steven to pick me up from his place,” I answered.
“That good, huh?” he smiled and nudged my shoulder. I smiled, too.
“Yeah, we didn’t exactly hit it off.”
Jamie nodded, and it felt like an odd silence. This was the moment when people normally said something like, “I’m sorry to hear that,” or “That’s too bad.” Not hearing it from him, though, was honestly exactly what I wanted. I changed the subject.
“How’s your night going?”
He shrugged. “Fine. Taylor’s been studying, so I cleaned up a little bit around here.”
I glanced around, suddenly noticing that all the surfaces looked less dusty, the floor less grimy, the windows less smudged. “Whoa. You really did. Thanks!”
“It’s the least I can do, since you’re letting me crash for free.”
“Oh, it isn’t free. You’ll be receiving an invoice when you move out.”
He laughed a little at my joke, but then said in a more serious tone, “I guess I’ve gotta think about what I’ll do next.”
“What? No, Jamie, I was joking. You can stay as long as you need, you know that.” I really did mean it; somehow, the fact that we had an unregistered guest living with us had escaped our R.A.’s notice, or she just didn’t care.
He smiled. “That’s seriously amazing, and I’ll always be grateful. But I can’t crash at my friends’ dorm forever. Eventually I’ve gotta get my own life.”
Well, that was true. So why was I so reluctant to give him up? I remembered what Steven had scolded me for earlier that evening. I really was pathetic. I might still have a crush on Jamie, after all, but I couldn’t let that make me stop him from achieving everything he wanted, and deserved, to do.
“So what do you think you’ll do?” I asked.
“Well,” he said, smiling a little. “The one thing I’ve always loved is music. I think I might try to make something happen there.”
“What, like, in a band?” I said stupidly.
“I was thinking more like learning some classical stuff,” he said. “I like to sing and play guitar, but that isn’t all I can do. What if I got a degree in music? You know, like—what if I became a music teacher or something?”
“Wow. I didn’t know you wanted to do that.”
“I didn’t, really. I’ve just been thinking a lot about it lately. Like, what’s next for me. And honestly, the idea of being in a position where I can help kids, you know…support them when they feel like they have nobody. I really like that idea.”
That was an amazing idea. In fact, it made me a little bit ashamed. Here he was, having gone through pretty much the same exact thing as me, but whereas I was totally focused on what would make me successful in a career, Jamie was looking for a way to help others. He was a better man than I was, I realized.
I looked up at Jamie’s face to see him intently watching mine, and I realized that I hadn’t answered. “Jamie, you would be incredible at that,” I said, and I got to watch when a wide, delighted smile spread over his face. “That’s totally what you should do.”
“I’m glad you think so,” he said. “I actually—”
But I didn’t get to hear the rest of what he would have said. Taylor and Steven came out of Taylor’s room, and Tay was laughing.
“Dude. You called Steven from your date’s bathroom?”
I felt my face getting hot, and turned to see Jamie smiling with eyebrows raised. “Okay, yes, but it wasn’t like you think.”
“Depends on what I think, doesn’t it?” Tay said, swiping my head with his palm as he walked by.
“Get me one, too,” I said. He was digging in the minifridge for a water. “It wasn’t a bad date; I just didn’t want to have sex with him at that moment, and he apparently really wanted to.”
Steven barked out a laugh. “Oh, lord. Yes, this is what I was telling you, Tay. He is, like, afraid to be attracted to people.”
“No, I’m not!”
“No, he’s not,” Taylor reiterated. “That’s not what it is.” He handed me the water. “In fact, I know what it is. Dude, you need to date church guys.”
“Huh? What church guys?”
“Or not necessarily church, but just like…somebody who wants to take it slow. You should do like I did, with Marissa. Find somebody you like, who likes you, who has the same values you have. This is why dating freaks you out. Because you want to take thi
ngs slow, maybe not have sex right away, and just get to know this other person. You want somebody who moves at your speed, and a lot of guys don’t.”
“That’s true,” I said slowly.
“I know, but I only just realized it,” Taylor said. “Just because you’re gay, it doesn’t change who you are. You don’t play games, and you don’t hook up.”
“He’s right,” I said to Steven triumphantly, “I don’t!”
“I know that,” Steven said, and the snark in his voice was not even remotely cloaked. “I know, I just wanted to help you break out of that shy little shell.”
“But what if that isn’t a shell?” Taylor said. “What if this is just who Paul is?”
For some reason, I looked to Jamie to see his reaction at that moment, and my heart jumped into my throat when I saw a smile curving up his lips. It made me almost breathless. Damn it.
“Then, we’ll…we’ll find him a guy like that,” Steven said, and he walked over and sat down across from me on the floor. “I only want what’s best for you, you know that. And I was only teasing; I know you aren’t afraid to be attracted to people. I was there at The Beat that night, remember?”
“I know. Thanks, Steve-o. I appreciate it. And thanks for picking me up tonight.”
“No problem,” Steven said. “I’ll have to do some explaining with Zeke, though.”
I shook my head. “No, it’ll be fine. I could tell he was weirded out, so before I left I told him all about conversion therapy and everything, and now I think he just feels sorry for me. He isn’t mad.”
Jamie laughed out loud at that. “Oh, man. Did you really?”
I shrugged. “It was the truth, so…”
“Something you need to know about Paul,” Taylor said to Jamie, “is that he always tells the truth. Or at least, what he thinks is the truth.”
I shot back, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
But at the same time, Jamie nodded, and the small smile from earlier was still there. I loved that smile, just a tiny quirk of his lips. “I know, I remember.”
I didn’t have any answer for that, and my feelings must have shown on my sleeve, because suddenly all three of them were staring at me, and my eyes were beginning to sting.