by Yuriko Hime
Lynx wasn't alone when I caught her near the bumper cars. She was talking to a girl, someone I've seen before. I slipped on the shadows to observe.
"When I texted to say that I was in the funfair, I didn't actually mean for you to follow me, Erika," Lynx said. She kept looking over her shoulder like she expected someone to jump and accuse her. I wouldn't do something as irrational as that. My gut said to wait and listen.
"Don't call me that name," the other girl said. "I'm more used to Pudgy. Besides, this won't take long." She opened a red folder under Lynx's nose. "I'll stop bothering you after you check this. Please? You're the smartest person I know in the university."
Lynx glared at her, then snatched the folder. "I'm not the smartest," she said. "Someone will replace me soon. And I can't believe you're harassing me to check your thesis proposal when I'm on vacation."
That's it. I couldn't take more of this. I stepped out of the shadows. "Hey." Lynx shut the folder when she caught sight of me and pushed it back to Pudgy. I addressed the other girl. "How did you two know each other? I thought you were still in high school." There were so many questions, so many inconsistencies, but I knew that I had to be patient to answer them. That, or I find a rope and drag them both to a private room for interrogation.
"She's in my class," Lynx informed me. "Have you two met before?"
Pudgy shook her head. "We haven't," she spoke first. "Who is she, Lynx?" What was she talking about? She was the same girl that introduced herself to me outside the Midnight Cafe when I was losing to Julia. She wasn't wearing a Hawaiian shirt though, and there was no awkwardness in her like when we've first met. But why was she denying that we knew each other? "Looks like you guys are busy," she said. "I hate to be a bother. See you around the university."
Lynx grabbed my hand before I could trail after Pudgy. "Where are you going? We have a date." This wasn't a coincidence. Joe, Nicky, Pudgy, and Lynx. They were acquainted to each other somehow. I turned to Lynx and waited for an explanation. She gave me none. "What's more important than your happiness?" she asked.
She was telling me to forget about it for her sake. Why? Somewhere in my head, the foundation of trust I had in her was beginning to weaken and crumble. But the more idiotic part, the part that acknowledged my feelings for her was telling me not to worry. That it was nothing but misunderstanding and I was playing detective more than I should. My Watson, Lulu, would not be happy with that. She'd say to follow my heart.
I took a deep, restraining breath. "A million bucks says I'll trust that you won't do anything to jeopardize us," I told her. It was so hard not to go with my instinct, yet I was willing to, for us.
Lynx let go of my hand. "I'll bet on that," she said sincerely. I hope she was right.
Going home after a fun-filled but tiring night, I opened my email and was greeted by, guess what, even more messages. More hate mail. I wanted to ignore and close it. I wanted to lay on the bed and imagine how perfect my day went. Couldn't I enjoy this for what it was? Couldn't I savor Lynx's sweetness and how for the first time I could say that I really had fun? But no. I couldn't just pretend. Not when one of the mails particularly caught my attention.
'If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.' -Leviticus 20:13 'You have been warned.'
Chapter 32
The warning was in bold letters, sent to the email I linked on the contact section of my website. The nature of the email was not new. That type of message wasn't only seen in the Bible, but almost all forums that tried to disprove homosexuality, etc.
"I'm a lesbian," one person might say on social media.
"You're a sinner," another person might comment, followed by that particular line in Leviticus, as if it was the sole determinant why others should be discriminated and burned to hell. Why people couldn't mind their bloody business. Seeing the message made me want to snort, but I didn't. Let's check the facts first.
I was clearly threatened. If the words, 'You have been warned,' wasn't enough, then I'd eat a thousand chili pepper, provided that you do it first. Not that I didn't take the warning seriously. I did. But what was it for? My affairs with Lynx was kept in private, behind locked doors. We barely touched outside, let alone did displays that would warrant an outcry. Not much anyway, save for our blatant joking in the amusement park.
The people from Midnight Cafe wouldn't tell me that because they were also lesbians. That would be hypocrisy at its finest. My family wasn't in the loop, though Lulu might have her suspicions, and daddy certainly wouldn't send me that message. With the other possibilities eradicated, there was only one result; the study. Someone didn't want me to continue it, which was all the more reason why I should.
On the fourth day following the sent message, I was back in Lynx's house, research papers scattered on the floor of her bedroom, scratching my head with a pen. "No," I said, setting aside a stack of documents. "Not enough evidence." I continued to the other papers but noticed that I've already scanned through those. "Inconclusive. This is not a determinant." Next papers then. "Too little subjects. It's just wrong. Argh!" I dropped the folder in defeat.
Two soft and oddly comforting hands settled on my shoulder and started massaging. The knots on my muscles instantly dissipated. "It slipped my mind that you worked on the spa," I sighed. "Should I get jealous that you've touched other women like this?"
"You were my first and last customer," Lynx assured. "I've left my masseuse days behind in favor of this. Can I help you with anything though?" She slid from the bed to the floor behind me, putting her legs on each side of my hips while she continued the massage. I felt a bad urge to face her and do a kissing marathon. But as most marathons did, it would go for hours, and I needed to focus on this. "You've been distracted since the funfair," she said. "Did I do something?"
Aside from asking me to drop my interrogations with her? Not at all. "It's nothing," I dismissed. "I'm just frustrated with my research." Taking one from the stack, I handed it to her over my shoulder. "It feels like I'm not making as much progress as I hoped."
Her hands left my back so she could skim through the papers. "Why not? This is good."
"I'm talking about the genetics part," I said. "Have you heard about the gay gene?"
"Yes." She put the papers on the floor.
"Good, but let me go into it anyway." She chuckled. "Women likes lengthy explanations. Get used to it," I teased. "Going back to the gay gene, researchers gathered a group of identical and fraternal twins to do an experiment. A number of these male twins were both gay, while some pair only had one homosexual with the other being heterosexual. What they found was impressive. It appears that there are markers on the X-chromosome among the subjects who identified as gay. I was hoping to use it as proof that genes affect homosexuality, but the experiment is still up to questioning. There are many holes in the research."
"Is this why you're irritated?" Lynx asked. "You've been prone to snapping at every little thing. The woman from the market yesterday was startled when you started ranting in French because you were disappointed with her stock, and both of you weren't French to begin with."
"I'm not irritated," I said. "And just so you know, I spent a summer in my aunt's vacation home in France. It was natural for me to pick up a few things." I was glad that Lynx couldn't see my face because she'd know I was lying. Maybe the warning was having more effect on me than I'd care to admit. Make that warnings. It was sent again yesterday, along with the degrading messages. I decided against hiring private investigators so my parents wouldn't find out. Things would get out of control if they did.
"In any case, you shouldn't be stressed. This will affect your own study, and we don't want you to get wrinkles, do we?" I turned to her with a scowl. "You're beautiful," she said with a teasing smile. "Even if you're looking like an old hag."
"Why you!"
Lynx caught the hand I swung at her. "Ca
reful, Scotland," she warned. "This is how it usually starts." My heart dropped to my stomach. I didn't need to ask her what. She shouldn't have reminded me. Lynx released my hand and crawled to the bed. She motioned for me to sit with her. "Get your recorder. It's time."
"Time for what?"
"Just join me."
I tossed the recorder on the mattress and followed. "If this is some sort of joke to get me to bed with you, you'll regret it," I said. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"And denying yourself," she murmured. "I respect that. It takes a while to be able to handle all this." She looked down at her body.
"I expected you to fix my modesty issues, not replicate it," I complained. "I created a monster."
"I thought you were fine with how you are," she mocked. True. But I still had to roll my eyes and pretend to shudder. "Anyway," she said. "I promised an interview before didn't I? We're doing it now." She examined the recorder. There was nothing to see that she wouldn't be familiar with. Lynx pressed the red button. "So what do you want to know about the alpha?"
Gratitude washed over me. This was her own way of making me feel better. Thanks to her I was back on track with my studies. "Is it okay to interview you?" I asked. "I mean given what's going on between us. I mean. . ." My nose and cheeks warmed. Me, blushing. Run, scream, and hide everyone. It's alive!
"It's perfectly fine. Many scientists have used their own wives to conduct experiments. You don't need to think twice," she explained. "This is also an interview. I'm just speaking based on experience. There's no tampering going on here, and you don't need to mark me as anonymous. You can include a picture of me once the book is out, if you can take the competition from other girls."
Her was smile was like an animal about to eat its victim. Lynx was trying to show me how irritating it was to be with a conceited person. Nice try. I wasn't egotistical. It wasn't my fault if I was born like this. I shed my worried persona in favor of the interviewer needed for the job. "Tell us about yourself," I began.
Her eyes flickered like a candle. "My name is Lynx," she said. "Born in the house of Phoenix."
I giggled. She was too formal. "You can talk like a normal person," I suggested.
"I talk like how I was raised." She rolled her sleeves to her elbows. "I'm taking my PhD for anthropology, with relations to the socio-cultural aspect." An intelligent woman who shared my passion. I licked my lips. "I knew that I was a lesbian since seven," she said. "I haven't had sexual relations with males. Thanks to testing, I know that my IQ is above average. My family are respected members of the society, and I didn't grow up with any known relative or friends who are gay. Well, except for Julia, maybe. Having her take mentorship under my parents wings for dancing sealed the deal."
Of course the harlot would be discussed. Why didn't I think of that? She was a big part of Lynx's past. I stopped the recorder and gave her a cold glare. "I thought you didn't have any sexual relations with anyone?"
"Not with males," she said, repeating the information from earlier.
What? The recorder was squeezed in my hand as I gripped it tighter and tighter. "So you admit to having sexual relations with Julia then?" It felt like I've been gutted alive.
"I never said that either." Her eyes narrowed at me. "Are you jealous?"
"N-no." My fingers didn't cooperate when I fumbled to restart the device.
Lynx pounced on me. The recorder fell from my hand, together with my grip on reality. I squeezed my legs together like I had so many times, trying not to be seduced. She really was an animal, a dangerous one at that, and I wanted to be devoured by her.
"Nothing went on between me and her," she said, her breath on my cheek. "She was busy dancing. I was busy studying. What was left was a tiring relationship that shouldn't have even started." She traced her finger on the hollow of my neck. "You on the other hand, have everything I want. Why are you denying us the chance?"
It was difficult to think with her chest pressed on mine, her knee between my legs. I managed to mumble an answer. "I'm not ready. I'm not even sure that I'm. . . You know."
Her eyes flashed. "Don't give me that bullshit!" she said. Her weight lifted, and she moved on the other side of the bed, back turned to me. For the many times that we'd teased and fought, she'd only raised her voice today. I wanted to reach out and tell her I was sorry, kiss and make up. But as Jane Austen's novel went, you know how I reacted. Maybe I was more Darcy's pride than Elizabeth's prejudice. And now I was quoting other books, and I was going to hell.
"You are not a wolf to change moods, and I'm not your phasing moon," she said, sounding crestfallen. "I'm Lynx, and despite my name, I'm a person who feels something deep for you. This is not about sex. It's the commitment that we're willing to give each other."
The ring on my finger felt like it was digging through my flesh, cutting the circulation. Lynx had told me that it was a family heirloom, gifted to her by grandma. She'd given it to me sincerely when I thought that she didn't want any labels. It was a stupid assumption. She'd wanted it all along but had respected me enough not to say a thing because I wasn't sure of myself. My chest was crushed with the realization.
"I'm scared," I said in a small voice.
She turned to me, her brows almost meeting in the middle of her forehead. "Of us?" she asked.
"Of me and of you, individually. I don't want to lose myself in this. I'm not ashamed of being a lesbian. I just thought I knew myself better." I lowered my head. I didn't want to see neither pity nor anger in her eyes. "You don't understand. My parents have their money, my brother has his kindness, Lulu has her thing, and I only have my self-assured personality to get me through. If I don't know myself, then what right do I have to help the society? This book. . ."
"Is not about you," she finished. Lynx moved up and walked to my side of the bed. "It's about the people, the minority. Or have you forgotten because you've become self-absorbed again?" She stood in front of me, blocking the light from the window and the bulb overhead. "Can I tell you something that I've been holding back for a while?"
I've never felt this stupid. It was tearing me apart. "Might as well," I whispered.
She raised my chin to meet her eyes. "Here's the thing," she said. "You're a lesbian, always has been, and you want to fuck me as badly as I do with you, right here, right now, on that bed." I gasped with her audacity. She didn't hold anything back. I couldn't decide if it was a turn on or a surprise. Lynx let go of my face and stepped back. "But you're too focused on other things to see that, so let's finish what you've started. It's the only way you can concentrate on us."
I couldn't argue with anything she said. Not with how I was self-centered and in denial. Not with how we needed to get the project out of the way so there could be an 'us.' And when she told me to get outside and ride my car with her, I went behind the wheel and followed her orders. After minutes of going in circles, she pointed to a building, asking to pull over.
Lynx knew her way inside the establishment. There might have been many rooms and lots of billiard tables, but she continued walking towards the back, past the college guys playing and smoking their cigarettes, past the brute men who were betting faster than they were drinking their beers. At the back of my mind I was thinking why she took me there. It didn't seem like the time to do billiards.
The table on the far end was occupied by a woman playing by herself. Stick pointed to a ball, face concentrated, zebra patterned jeans tight, afro hair in place, she didn't look up when we stepped to her. "Come back when I'm in a better mood," she grumbled. Lynx put my recorder on the table, obstructing the ball the woman was about to hit. Her lips pulled into a frown. "Shit. What's your problem?!" She swiveled to us, and her face immediately brightened. "Haven't seen you in a while homegirl," she said. The woman was planting wet kisses on Lynx's cheek before I could stop her. I glared at them both.
Lynx stepped aside to introduce us. "Scotland, this is Anushka, my pool buddy. Anushka, Scotland is my girlfriend." Her voice didn't waver onc
e. A stark contrast to my reaction. My eyes almost popped from their sockets, and I waved my arms around like an idiot. "Do you need a moment to collect yourself?" Lynx asked me.
"I'm fine," I choked. "Go talk to your friend." She had many friends. Cool, sexy friends. And I was there choking like a gullible girl who'd been told there was still hope once puberty strikes. Look what you did, Lynx.
"Why are you here?" Anushka asked, putting her stick away.
Lynx turned to her. "Don't stop on my account," she said. "Please continue. I'm just here to interview you like the old times." They shared a history together. What kind, and for what? "Mind if I start the recorder?"
Anushka shrugged like it was no big deal. "You know I don't. What is this about?"
"Your sexuality," Lynx said, pushing the button. "Scotland is doing a study to determine what it means to be a lesbian. I'd like you to share your views."
Anushka bent to the table and hit the ball hard enough that it toppled over the surface and rolled to my foot. I frowned and collected the ball, tossing it to Lynx. She put it on the table again.
"I ain't lesbian no more," Anushka said. "You're asking the wrong person about sexuality." Lynx shrugged, still waiting. "Girl, you're putting me on the spot." Anushka glanced at me and sighed. "I was one of them hard butches before. A long time ago. But then my family said it was a phase. It wasn't real. It was all in my head." She put two fingers on her temple. "I turned my back on it all and settled for a nice homeboy. Haven't looked back since."
"Are you happy this way?" I said, eager to know. Lynx stayed silent.
"Why yes I am," Anushka said. "My family has been supportive about it. They know we can all hit rock bottom and bounce back." Something about what she said made her lower lip quiver. She dabbed her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt and turned around. "I'm sorry, missy. I get emotional when family is concerned."
With her arms down and her long sleeves up, the cuts on her skin were glaring. I took a better look at them. They were marred and scarred, some even fresh. This woman was anything but the ray of sunshine she claimed to be. I met Lynx's sad eyes. "Thanks for the input, Anushka." She grabbed the recorder from the table. "You've always been one of my best informants. I'll send a bouquet your way and a basket of fruits for your mother. Come, Scotland." She offered a hand.