by Olivia Jake
As the three of us walked out together, Barb and Sherri comparing notes about the chemo, its side effects and their respective experiences, I saw Brad talking with another patient. I couldn’t quite make out his expression when he saw us, but with him it was often hard to tell.
I hadn’t seen my mom this animated since before her diagnosis. It seemed having someone to commiserate with really helped. She was still weak and moved so slowly, but she was smiling and talking like she used to. It was great to see.
Once at the store, Sherri pulled out her driver’s license to show us what she looked like with hair. Even in a driver’s license photo, she was stunning. Long, thick blond hair, a big grin and makeup. I tried to hide my shock when I saw it. The difference was startling. It wasn’t just the hair and eyebrows, it was how healthy she looked in the photo.
If I weren’t with two cancer patients shopping for wigs, it would have been like three women out shopping. Ooohs and aaahhs and giggles over the different wigs that we all tried, including me. And the saleswoman was wonderful. It was obvious that many of her customers were women going through chemo. She didn’t flinch or stare when my mom and Sherri removed their scarves, she simply started bringing over different wigs based on their coloring and head shape. In the end, my mom got two, a light brown and a dark brown bob. Sherri got one that looked almost exactly like the hair in her photo and I liked it so much I got the exact same one. I always thought it would be fun to be blond.
Sherri wore hers out. “I feel like I look half-way human.” She rolled her eyes, “I am so sick of being looked at like a cancer patient. It’s like when people look at me, that’s all they can see!”
I understood as much as I could without having walked in her shoes.
On the drive back, my mom started feeling queasy, and I hoped that I’d be able to get her home before she got sick.
“At first, it hit me the second day after a session. Then it was the day after. Now, it’s usually later that night.” Sherri said. My mom just nodded. After being so exuberant, the change was startling, but Sherri obviously understood.
“Sherri, are you going to be ok getting yourself home?” I asked as I pulled up to her car.
“Oh yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ve got this down.” I think she said more for my comfort than anything.
“Well, what’s your cell?” I asked and before she could protest, I added, “I’ll call you so that you have my number. And if you need anything, seriously, anything… I’m not going to take no for an answer.”
She nodded and read it to me. I punched it in and heard it ring just to make sure it was right. Before she got out, she reached between the two front seats and took both of our hands into hers. “Ladies, this is the most fun I’ve had since I started with this crap! Thank you! I’ll see you next week.” We squeezed each other’s hands and I couldn’t help but get a little misty. I watched and waited as she slowly walked to her car and got in. Once I saw the brake lights, I pulled away wondering if Sherri had anyone to help her. Granted, she was a lot younger than my mom, and hers was breast cancer. I didn’t pry, but I assumed she’d get through this, that hers was curable and localized. Still, I hoped she’d call to take me up on my offer of help.
Once I got Barb settled and was back home, I texted Sherri.
Had a great time this afternoon. So did Barb. It really helped pick up her spirits. Thank you.
I immediately got a text back.
Me too! Thank you both for going with me. Couldn’t have done it without you. See you next week at the Chemo bar! J
Woo hoo. Happy hour! And my offer stands, if there’s anything you need, please call.
Thanks, Steph. You and your mom are good people.
****
Two weeks had passed and I had to stop myself multiple times from going to his hotel bars and hoping to run into Brad. I settled for seeing him at my mom’s appointments. The man needed a decoder to figure out what his expressions meant. As someone who tried to play her cards close to her vest, he was playing them closer. It wasn’t that he didn’t have tells, it was just that I had no idea what each scowl, frown, furrowed brow or clenched jaw meant. I tried not to overthink it but I still couldn’t get the damn man out of my mind. I knew the ball was in my court. I’d rebuffed him and didn’t expect him to come running after me. I wanted him to, but knew that this wasn’t a romance novel and he wouldn’t keep coming after me no matter how much I pushed him away. As an artist, I desperately wanted life to imitate art, but as a pragmatist, or more accurately, a defeatist, I knew better.
While the relationship, or whatever it had been with Brad, had seemingly ended, the friendship with Sherri blossomed. The wig shopping changed things and when we saw her the following week, the three of us didn’t stop talking. After that, in between sessions, she and I texted and sent each other funny emails and links and I finally convinced her to let me pick her up and take her to her appointment since I was already taking my mom, they were at the same time, and she was on the way. For the first time since high school, I felt like I was making a friend.
“People change and forget to tell each other.” Sherri said and I was surprised. It was rare that people quoted authors I was familiar with.
“Lillian Hellman.” I said and she smiled. We were talking about relationships, she asked about my folks and Barb was asleep, so I skimmed the surface.
“I think when they got married they loved each other. At least that’s what she’s told me. But she grew and changed and he stayed the same. And, well, after many years of marriage, they finally split.” I didn’t want to betray my mom by giving her any more details than that.
“That sounds eerily familiar. Not exactly the same circumstances, but the man I married wasn’t the man I divorced. I don’t think I changed. I don’t know. Maybe I did. Maybe we both did. I’m not so sure I believe in happily ever after. I want to. But shit, especially after this? It’s kind of hard to.”
I nodded and kept mum.
“So, no boyfriend?” she asked and I shook my head. I was oddly comfortable with her.
“Nah. I never believed in the happily ever after either. I’m not so sure there are any Prince Charmings out there, know what I mean?” She smiled and nodded. “I’d like to think that there are, but it’s not like the men I read about.”
“Please don’t tell me you read romance novels!” she implored.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head yes. “I can’t seem to help myself! Oh my God, Sherri, I’ve never admitted that to another person. Not even my mother!” We both laughed and then I continued. “And with all this?” I gestured around the room, “I’m reading more than ever. It’s nice to escape reality once and a while, know what I mean?”
She nodded. But I wasn’t finished. “Oh, those book of the month clubs about incest or mothers losing children or famine or cancer! Oy! Why would anyone want to read that! Real life can be bad enough!”
We were giggling when the humorless Dr. Rosenberg walked up.
“I should put you both in a video showing that chemo isn’t all that bad.”
We both glared at him and he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Or, maybe not.”
We all waited in awkward silence as he stood there, his gaze going from Sherri to myself to the floor before walking away.
Sherri rolled her eyes and shook her head and I chuckled trying to be sure that whatever I gave away, no one there would know my history with him.
“Sherri, can I ask you a question?” She nodded, the shift in tone clear. “Do you think he’s good at what he does? Do you think he’s a good doctor? Aside from his bedside manner. Is my mom’s life in the right person’s hands?”
She inhaled deeply and the corners of her mouth turned up. She looked pained before she spoke and I feared she was going to tell me that Dr. Rosenberg wasn’t any good. So when she finally did speak, I was all ears.
“He may be an ass, but he’s the best there is.” She paused, almost as though she was fighting with herself
. “I’d been to another oncologist, got his recommended treatment and then ended up here. I have no idea if the other guy’s course of action would have been as good, but what I do know is that the last scan showed that the cancer’s gone. This is my last round of chemo.” I was surprised and saddened that I wouldn’t be seeing her every week, but obviously happy for her.
“Oh my God, Sherri! That’s wonderful!” I started to get up to hug her, but she had an IV stuck into the port in her chest. So I squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back. “I am so happy for you!”
“Thanks,” she said almost sheepishly.
“Sherri?”
“Sorry, I know it’s silly, but I fell guilty telling you…”
“Oh my God, please. Please don’t. If Barb heard you say that, she’d be sure to make you feel guilty for even thinking that! And in the way only a Jewish mother can!”
Sherri smiled. “Thanks. It’s still kind of hard for me to believe that this is the last time I’ll be coming to this God-forsaken place.” She paused and shook her head, collecting her thoughts. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but coming here, having cancer… as much as I didn’t want it to define me, it’s been my life for the last six months. And now… I’m not saying I don’t know what to do, it’s just…”
I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet, waiting for Sherri to continue.
“Cancer’s all I’ve thought about for what seems like, well, forever. And now, I’m supposed to just rejoin my old life, like this was just a temporary blip on the radar. I’m not making any sense. I sound like I’m not happy to be better. I am. Lord knows, I am. I just… going back to the way things were…”
“They’re gonna be different.” I said with authority, startling her. “Sorry. It’s just that there’s no way they can go back to the same. After what you’ve been through? How could anything be the same?” Going through this with Barb, my whole life changed, and we were still in it. I had no idea what was on the other side, but I already looked at life differently. Maybe because I was already ready to change so much about who I was. Even still, after this, all of my perspective had already shifted.
“Yeah, you’re probably right…” Sherri trailed off. It was odd that she wasn’t jumping for joy, but who knew what her old life was like.
“Anyway, I do have Dr. Sunshine to thank.” I chuckled at her nickname. “He put me through hell with the treatment he prescribed, but I had waited. I caught it late. The other doctor wasn’t sure he’d be able to help. But, uh, Dr. Rosenberg tried an experimental treatment along with some common therapies. And it’s gone, Stephanie. My cancer is gone.”
She paused again, this time with tears in her eyes. “So yeah, you don’t have to love him, but he’s a hell of a doctor.”
I nodded, thanked her, and took it all in, relieved that her experience was as positive as it was and somehow feeling like a heel for dismissing him so quickly.
****
That night my cell buzzed while I was still at Barb’s.
Hi. Was all it read from a number I didn’t recognize.
Who’s this?
It’s Brad. I’d like to see you.
It had been weeks and I’d missed him, wished he’d reach out. So when he did, right or wrong, I didn’t hesitate.
Ok. Where and when.
I’ll come over. Text me your address.
Shit, I wasn’t expecting that.
I’ll come to you.
No. It’s too easy for you to leave that way. What’s your damn address?
I laughed. Even in a text he could be an endearing prick. He had me. So I sent him my address and he replied that he’d be there in a half hour.
I didn’t have much time between fixing food for Barb and tending to her animals and getting home before Brad showed up. As it was, I pulled up and headlights pulled up right behind me. We got our of our cars and stood awkwardly until he leaned in and kissed me on my cheek and whispered, “Hi, Steph,” practically melting me.
“Um, hi. So, uh, yeah, I just got home obviously, and I need to feed my dogs and walk them and um, sorry, things just took a while at my mom’s…”
“That’s fine, I’ll walk them with you.”
I did a double take and then, because it was clear I didn’t have any other option, accepted his offer and led him into my house. As we walked through, Vincent and Claude both started growling. I snapped my fingers and looked at them, making them both sit and relax their ears, but I wasn’t surprised either by their reaction or Brad’s, who was suddenly behind me.
“You have pit bulls?” He asked incredulously.
I laughed and nodded. “Still want to take that walk with me?” I asked turning over my shoulder.
“So long as they’re not going to maul me to death.”
“They’re just protective, that’s all. They’ve never met a man.” I didn’t turn around to get his reaction.
“What do you mean they’ve never met a man?”
“I mean, I’ve never had a man inside my house. Congratulations. You’re the first.” I started walking towards them and knelt, petting them, receiving their kisses. Brad stayed exactly where he was, by the door.
“If I’m the first, then how do you know they’re not going to kill me?”
I laughed and turned around. “I don’t. But you were so insistent on coming over to my place…”
He backed up a step and I laughed again. The big impressive doctor was terrified.
“Brad, if I thought they were going to hurt you, I wouldn’t have let you in. I’m not such a nut-job that I’d put you in danger. Trust me on this.” He didn’t relax. “Look, we’ll go for a walk, you’ll feed them, and in their world, walk plus food equals love. Or at least it means a stay of execution.”
After all the years of never having anyone in my house, it was an odd feeling. Perhaps it was just because of the dogs, but I felt like I had home field advantage. Instead of freaking out that he was there, I was surprisingly comfortable.
He still regarded me skeptically as I got their leashes and led all of us out the door. The sidewalk wasn’t wide enough for all of us so Vincent and Claude stayed to my left and Brad trailed behind at first.
“What are their names?” He asked and I told him, then added, “after Van Gogh and Monet,” before he could ask.
“Ok, doctor chicken, come here and take their leashes.”
He hesitated but not for long. He took the leashes and after both dogs did a double take and sniffed him, they continued to follow his lead as I walked backwards in front of all three. The dogs were busy sniffing trees, peeing and doing their business, all the while watching me, and alternately looking at Brad. None of the males could quite figure out what was going on, but with all the power and testosterone, I was the alpha dog. That thought cracked me up and I couldn’t help but smile.
When we got back to the house, I suggested that Brad do the honors of feeding them so as to win their acceptance and ensure that he’d get out of there in one piece. It didn’t take much convincing on my part and once both dogs were happily munching away, we were finally left alone with each other.
“So, pit bulls?” he asked again and I smiled as I rolled my eyes.
“They’re misunderstood.”
“Like many of us.” He countered.
“Exactly.” I was grateful for the initial distraction of the dog walk as it allowed me to find my footing without too much worry. “I don’t have scotch, but I can offer you wine or vodka or beer.”
It was odd being a hostess. I really never had anyone over other than my mother, and I was immediately aware that I didn’t have much to offer the man.
“Wine would be great, thank you.”
I focused on opening the wine, retrieving the glasses and pouring as I listened to Vincent and Claude munch on their food. I didn’t look much at Brad. Just knowing he was there was enough to make me unsteady.
“Cheers.” We said to each other as we toasted and I motioned for us to sit. The kit
chen table might not have been the perfect place to share wine, but I still wasn’t sure why he was even there.
After a long silence and one of Brad’s now famous stares, I spoke up. “So, you wanted to see me?”
“I missed you.”
I spit my wine, thankfully back into my glass and coughed a bit making Brad laugh.
“I didn’t realize it was that ridiculous of a notion.”
“Well, you’ve seen me in clinic and haven’t given me the time of day. It’s a little hard to know which end is up with you.” I paused. “And after the way I left you last time… well, I can’t say I blame you.”
He nodded and shrugged. “I was trying to give you space, but you do realize it’s a two way street, right? I certainly don’t hold all the cards.” Of course, he was right. After so many years of not giving men the power to make the decision, I had somehow assumed that it was his call as to whether or not to pursue something with me.
“And then?”
“And then I saw you laughing with Sherri today and I was tired of waiting. I wanted to see you.”
I couldn’t help myself. “Why do you keep trying with me? Haven’t I proven to you that I’m just going to keep fucking it up? You think that because you pushed your wife away and ignored her that if you do the opposite with me it’ll work?”
“Maybe.” He acknowledged.
“Why don’t you hate me for walking out on you every single time? I’d hate me.” Then I said softly something I didn’t really realize until that moment. “I do hate me, sometimes. I do the very thing I hate myself for, and I keep doing it.”
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results.” He said flatly.
It actually helped pull my head out of my ass and made me laugh. “Now you’re calling me insane.”
He shrugged.
“Well what does that make you?”
“I don’t know, Steph. And I don’t have the answers to your questions. I’m not going to fix you and you’re not going to fix me. But for whatever reason, I like you. Fucked up as you may be. And I wanted to see you and be with you.” he took a long pull on his wine. “And I didn’t want you running away from me this time.”