by Sabrina Kade
“What?”
“I want you to be happy.” She smiles, though there’s a flicker of sadness in her dark brown eyes. “I want Exer to want you openly as much as he longs for you when he thinks no one’s looking.”
“We’re friends,” I insist, but the words don’t feel right. They’re a lie. I can’t ignore these feelings now and as scared as I am to see jellyfish or lizard gorillas, there’s something I’m much more terrified of seeing.
Exer with another woman.
Still, I decide to see him no matter what.
Whether it’s to move on or to push forward and admit feelings I’m trying to hide.
It all depends on Hinda.
I guess it also depends on me swallowing my fears and spying on Exer.
Once I have answers, I’ll stop.
Once I know where I’m supposed to go from there, I’ll move forward.
With or without Exer.
CHAPTER FOUR
Exer
Sloane is avoiding me.
Her blue eyes do not meet mine. She does not chatter as she always does. I should enjoy the temporary silence, but it leaves me more on edge than usual. Horror strikes as it dawns on me that perhaps Sloane has grown tired of my company. Is it possible that she no longer enjoys my friendship? She asked me to tell her the next time I left the lairs, and I did, but even when I returned, she did not seem pleased.
Something is wrong. I hate that I do not know what it is.
Even more so, I hate that I care so much.
The suns rise and set for several rotations, and yet, Sloane’s standoffish behavior does not change. She sticks close to Layla and Dolan, and it seems I am, as the human females say, ‘the odd one out’. I do not like seeing her so happy with those two. Dolan is impossibly arrogant, and Sloane is close to Dolan’s mate. She smiles and laughs with them as though everything is fine. Does she not feel me looking at her? Does she not feel how I long for her? I returned early from my trip, despite being graced by the presence of four rodurs because uneasy feelings stirred inside me.
And something did happen to Sloane. There is something she does not wish to discuss with me, because there is a bandage on her neck.
Did someone hurt her in my absence?
Is Dolan right? Is it wrong to abandon her when so many of my brothers still reek of desperation for a mate?
I don’t know what to think lately, but I am unhappy.
Perhaps, I should have given in and allowed her to visit the northern region with me. The rodurs were kind and only slightly hesitant. I also think Hinda was lurking around as well. I’m sure the sight of so many rodurs at once frightened her, and she waddled away. Still, it would have been nice to see her and maybe even more satisfying to show her to Sloane. But none of these things matter now because Sloane was not with me the other night and for some reason, she will barely speak to me now.
When she asked to accompany me the other day, I grew cautiously optimistic. I thought she was finally growing tired of the term ‘friends’. I shouldn’t have been elated but I was. I considered for a long time, whether or not I should take her with me on my next trip.
And that means something because I don’t want others around me. But I want her.
I love being away from the lairs, but I also enjoy my time with Sloane.
I imagine caressing her pale, scaleless skin, and brushing my lips against hers in what humans refer to as a kiss. Mouth pleasuring sounded so strange to me at first when I heard the others speaking of it, but I also realized my attention was piqued. I found myself staring at Sloane’s soft pink lips too often. It made me think of the lips between her thighs as well. Would she allow me to kiss her there? I’ve never mouth mated a human female’s folds before, but I know they enjoy it. At least, Dolan’s mate certainly seems to enjoy attention down there.
Sloane, Dolan, and his mate leave the Gathering Room without a word to me and head out into the fields because the sun is high and the temperature warm. I swear Sloane passes a glance at me, but I’m too slow to respond before she’s on the move. I follow them, fighting the urge to speak to her because it is not my nature to reach out to anyone – especially females. There was only one before Sloane who I could tolerate, and I can barely stand to think of her now.
Sloane settles in the grass next to Dolan and his mate, and though Dolan immediately wraps a possessive arm around his mate’s shoulders, Sloane seems at ease. She’s looking at me. I feel it, yes, but now I can see it as well. Her features are soft and sharp at the same time. I can’t believe how much I miss her, and yet, I have to leave the lair after the suns set. Hinda should be wandering around, and I long to see her since I missed her the last time because of the rodurs.
I never miss a chance to see her, but if Sloane asked me to stay, I think I would strongly consider it.
My feet move without permission as I stride up to Sloane and the others, and her eyes widen upon my approach as though she’s shocked by my actions. Even Dolan’s mate narrows her eyes, and she is never upset with me. I’m surprised by how much her keen attention sends prickles up my scales, but when I approach, Dolan whispers something in her ear and helps her to her feet despite her grumbling. They leave me alone with Sloane who shifts uncomfortably on the grass before I crouch down in front of her.
And then I’m quiet. What am I supposed to say?
I rock back on my heels and then forward, trying to figure out how to start a conversation. There’s so much I want to say, but the words will not come. My throat is dry, and there is violent tingling at my fingertips. I feel silly, but thankfully, Sloane is used to my behavior and pushes strands of bloody red hair away from her eyes before she fixes me with a soft smile.
But, is that softness, or sadness?
“Are you leaving tonight?” She crosses her legs in front of her. Goodness, they are long. Almost as long as Sidyth female’s. They have no scales, but I do not mind this so much. The lack of scales on my chest and stomach is not viewed positively back home, but Sloane doesn’t seem to mind. “You’ve been at the lairs for a few days, so I figured it was time for you to head out.”
“My brothers are more desperate than ever.” The words fly from my lips before I can control them. “But, yes. I am planning to leave the lairs tonight.”
“How long are you going to be gone this time?” She’s trying to sound casual, but I feel something sharp in her tone.
“I am unsure.” The last thing I want to do is lie to her. “My last trip was cut short.” Her cheeks flush with color, and I’m surprised by this reaction. Have I said something to embarrass her? I don’t think so. “How have you been these past few suns risings?”
“Okay.” She shrugs. “Lonely.” She blushes, lowering her head. My heart aches to hear this.
“You could have come to talk to me,” I say, trying to follow her lead by being casual though this conversation feels incredibly heavy.
“You didn’t stop by the Gathering Room much.”
“I mean, you could have come to my private lair.”
“You could have come to the Gathering Room.”
I frown. I suppose this is true, and I rub the back of my neck. I should have made more of an effort to speak to Sloane, but I was never sure what I wanted to say. What could I say? I slick my tongue across my lips, hoping to catch a trace of how Sloane’s feeling, but she’s acting incredibly neutral. Slightly embarrassed too, though I can’t figure out why.
“Well, I am here now, aren’t I?” I offer at last.
“To give me a report on when you’re leaving?”
I shake my head and then pause. “I suppose I did want to tell you, but I also wished to speak to you. I have missed our conversations.” I lower my chin, trying to meet her eyes. “I have missed them a lot.”
Uneasiness floods my nostrils as Sloane’s lips part. “You have?”
“I have.”
She’s so happy for a moment that I think everything is going to be okay. Then her expression shifts,
and she grows steely. “You’re still leaving tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Huh.” She lowers her chin, hiding her lovely face from mine. “You’re going alone?”
“Of course.” I cock my head to the side, trying to understand why she would ask me such a strange question. “I still cannot take you—”
“Yeah,” she snaps, hardening further. “I figured that part out.”
I stare ahead, trying to figure out what’s upset her so suddenly. She knows I go to the woods alone. She knows my brothers overwhelm me with their desperation for a mate. I have told Sloane all of this in the past. It occurs to me that she may not know why. Would it be so terrible to tell her about Hinda and the rodurs? Would I get in trouble if I expressed my concerns with introducing a violent human to their peaceful sanctuary?
“I have considered taking you with me, Sloane.”
“Yeah, right.”
I wince at her harsh tone. Perhaps I have played this all wrong. Maybe I should take her with me and see what happens. She is human. She may have bloody red hair and talk about killing animals, but that does not mean she is a monster. She is sweet and kind. Her scent reminds me of sunshine and hot springs.
“I have,” I insist, reaching forward to rest my palm on her knee. I cup it carefully, feeling the electricity burn between us, skin-to-skin and quickly pull my hand away. “But it would be difficult. I worry that…” I lower my eyes, wishing and wanting to touch her but hesitant of acting too eager.
“What are you worried about?”
“I don’t want anyone to get hurt.” I pinch my eyes shut, thinking of poor Hinda and the rodurs. Then I think of Sloane if one of the animals is not gentle with her. The idea of losing any of them hurts so much I can barely gather my thoughts. “That’s a huge concern for me, Sloane. I like things the way they are. I like balance.”
“Balance?” Her voice comes out like a hiss, and when I lift my head to meet her eyes, she’s furious. “You like balance?”
“Um, yes?”
She stands, still fuming. “You know what, Exer? Forget it. Keep your secrets. I don’t need to know what you’re up to.”
“I want you to know,” I say, standing and trailing after her. Her legs move shockingly fast for a human’s, and I almost struggle to keep up. Ugh, what have I said wrong now? There’s so much red on her cheeks it’s like she’s holding her breath. Her neck is red too, regardless of the bandage.
“Wait, Sloane,” I say, seizing her shoulder in my hand. Despite her being taller than many of the other females, she’s still fragile in my grasp. So breakable. I loosen my grip but lower my face toward her neck. “What is that?”
She lifts her hand and covers the bandage. “What?”
I resist rolling my eyes, though the urge is strong. “You may as well explain. What is that? Did someone hurt you?”
“No.”
I don’t believe her; there’s too much indecision in her eyes and in her words. She’s keeping secrets from me, and I cannot grow upset because I already keep so many secrets myself. But it’s not the secrets that upset me. It’s that someone may have hurt her while I was gone.
I should have been watching over her.
“No one’s touched you?” I ask when she starts squirming in my light grip.
“What would you care? What about keeping balance?”
What does that even mean?
I remove my hand from Sloane’s shoulder because I do not wish to risk hurting her. But I am angry now. Angry that if someone has hurt her, she doesn’t feel comfortable telling me. Angry because she is using my words against me. Angry because she’s pulling away from me and I don’t understand why.
Suddenly, the stench in the air is almost too much to bear. I have to get away. Hinda and the others are not like this. I don’t question everything. They do not blanket me with insecurity. I long for them because they simply exist, and that’s all I want to do.
Liar. You want Sloane. You want to pleasure her. You want to Choose her.
“I’m leaving tonight,” I hiss, barely able to handle Sloane’s hurt expression. “That’s all I wanted to tell you. I’m leaving tonight, and I don’t know when I’ll return. I wanted you to know because you asked me to tell you. It is because we are friends, that I honored this request.”
“Just friends?” she squeaks, confusing me further.
“What have you always asked us to be? For us only to be?” I have to get away from her before I embarrass myself further. I already smell my brother’s interest in Sloane as I continue snapping at her. It is not good. I am not this male. Not anymore. I shouldn’t be this male. Jealous and shouting and demanding and wanting. I don’t want any of this. Not anymore.
No matter how much I want Sloane, it is dangerous for me to want a female.
I am not a suitable mate, but I want her.
I hate how conflicted I have become. I hate how Sloane doesn’t come chasing after me even when I return to the lairs and back to my room to gather my pack.
Go back to her! Go back to her and apologize! Be honest with yourself!
Choose her. Claim her. Pleasure her! Don’t be stupid! She is not like the one of your past!
I silence the voice shouting in my head.
Silence is what I need more than anything now. It’s not enough to remain silent myself. I need to be around my friends. I need to be in the woods. Maybe for a day. Maybe for more than one. I have to get away from her before I lose all control.
The talas are my safety; my sanctuary of peace.
Despite how much I want Sloane, it is apparent that she does not want me.
I have no one to blame but myself.
Lavig was right. There is something very, very wrong with me.
***
That night, I’m about to head to the talas when Prince Korben takes the time to approach me. I find it odd because he usually spends most of his time with his mate, so I can’t help the feeling of dread that washes over in the hallway when he calls.
“Exer.”
He says nothing else at first, and despite him not smelling of desperation, there is a hint of hurry in his scent. He longs to get back to his mate and his sprog. I cannot blame him. When Lavig was kind enough to spend time with me, I never wanted to be separated from her. I longed for her scent, her aloofness and the way she barked at me to buy her things. She was a typical Sidyth female and I, like a fool, catered to her every whim. I thought that was the best way to win her over, but she proved me wrong. She instead Chose a male who threatened to send her to the hunts every time she perused. The memory is still painful; I feel that now, even when I see Prince Korben’s stern expression.
“You are still visiting the northern regions.”
I frown. “I am. You said it was all right.”
“I did say that.” He shakes his head, obviously annoyed that this conversation is not going to be quick. I want to get away. I don’t want to stand here and talk about Prince Korben, his mate or his sprog. I don’t want to think about the family he was so quickly able to create because he never had to worry about coming on too strongly.
Who would ever deign to reject a prince?
I swallow hard. If Prince Korben had wanted Sloane as his mate, would she have so readily accepted him as the busty female?
I do not wish to think of these things.
“Listen, Exer, you are a special case in this situation,” Prince Korben says in a low voice, glancing around to make sure we are alone. Momentarily satisfied, he rounds his attention back to me. “We all heard the horrible tales of how Lavig treated you before she mated with Teskla. Your story appealed to me because though you did not openly follow our beliefs at the time, you never wanted anyone to be treated as Lavig treated you. I have been understanding of your particular situation. You told me of this suffocating feeling when you are around our brothers. Are you still experiencing this?”
I cannot answer. Hearing Lavig’s name is enough to make my hearts race.
My frown deepens. Isn’t my silence enough of an answer for him? That the mere possibility of discussing my issues leaves my throat dry and scales splayed? Prince Korben knows my answer. He doesn’t need me to say it.
“Prince Korben asked you a question,” a deep voice rumbles behind my prince.
“Hujun,” Prince Korben says quickly. “I did not request your presence.”
“I wanted to be sure there were no problems.”
“Your mate is pregnant. You should be by her side. How is she doing these days?” Prince Korben asks.
Hujun’s massive shoulders rise and fall, allowing a hint of personality to shine through his bulky exterior. “She is getting better. Less vomit and crying. This pregnancy will be hard on my Chosen. She is much smaller than your mate.”
“That is an understatement, Hujun,” Prince Korben says, a hint of a smile on his face.
Hujun does not respond.
“May I go now?” I ask, turning slightly in hopes of ending this awkward conversation. Thankfully, I don’t hear footsteps behind me, but Prince Korben does not bother lowering his voice when he calls out to me.
“You still face the same issues, yes?”
I wish my feet would move, but they are like blocks of ice. Issues? Of course, I am having issues. I have messed things up with Sloane. The very thing that happened with Lavig is undoubtedly about to happen with the human female. Which of my brothers will she Choose as a mate when she realizes I am not worthy? Iriel? Cade? Chentan? The only way I can continue to live with my brothers is if I have the freedom to get away. Prince Korben has graciously granted me that freedom, but it came with a price.
The price of my words.
The price of admitting my mistakes.
Admitting I perused a female too aggressively, driving her away.
“I am getting better.” I do not turn to face my prince, choosing instead to speak to the dirt.