“Are you okay?” Elliot rushed toward her, but she held up a hand.
“I’m fine.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” she snapped.
“You don’t sound fine, and I’ve learned ‘fine’ is a dangerous word, and tone kind of matters.”
“Elliot, do you hear the warning in my tone right now?”
“I do.”
“Good. Because we’re running out of time to make the federal filing deadline. We are still considerably behind.”
“We’ll work around the clock, I promise. We aren’t getting any more new returns, so the pile will only get smaller from here. I ordered an extra-large shipment of coffee to arrive on Monday, and I also took the liberty of stocking the mini-fridge with fruit and chocolate. Also booze,” Elliot said, then smiled. “Just kidding. About the booze, not the chocolate.”
Kelly smiled, then caught herself and tried to force a more stoic facial expression. She couldn’t give in again. People who didn’t learn from their mistakes repeated them, and she’d gone through this cycle too many times already. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself, striving to set a new tone, the one that reminded them she was still the boss. “Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done, but you don’t need to put in more than your internship hours.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I do. I can’t be any more indebted to you than I already am.”
“You’re not indebted to me. We’re a team. I’ve only done what I wanted to do.”
Understanding the truth of the statement didn’t make it easier to bear. Everything Elliot had done for her had been genuine and heartfelt. She deserved the same in return, but Kelly couldn’t give her that. At least not here, and not in a way she’d recognize. The only way to give her what she really needed was to push her away. “I won’t be in and out during the day anymore. I’ll take over your timesheet.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?” Elliot asked, her voice low and laced with hurt.
“Of course not.”
“Then why are you pretending you’re upset about my internship hours?”
“It’s not fair to burden you with my … workload.” She sighed as she searched for the right words. “Your internship turned into something it shouldn’t have. The situation led to things getting out of our control.”
“Consent, Kelly,” Elliot reminded her. “I never did anything I didn’t choose. I hope you didn’t, either.”
“No,” she answered quickly, “but, under other circumstances, I would’ve been a better mentor. And now that the situation has changed, I intend to reassert the original parameters of the internship.”
“Reassert the original parameters?” Elliot stared at her as though she’d shape-shifted in front of her eyes. “You sound like an attorney. We aren’t in court here. No one’s on trial. Can’t we please just talk about what happened this morning?”
“Actually, no.” She couldn’t, not if she wanted to keep her composure.
“Just no? Really? After everything that’s happened, I get a plain old ‘no’?”
That hurt, a little barb right to the heart. She grasped for the only anchor that had yet to fail her. “I have work to do.”
Elliot’s shoulders slumped. “Yeah, you do. But just not in the way you mean.”
“Maybe,” she admitted. She wouldn’t deny Elliot that point. “But for the next two weeks, we need to focus on the type of work you can express on a timesheet.”
Frustration radiated off of Elliot, from the hard set of her jaw to the fists jammed in the pockets of camel-colored slacks. For a second Kelly wondered if she’d had enough. Had Kelly pushed her far enough to make her snap? She wouldn’t blame her if she did, but Elliot only seethed a moment or two before gritting her teeth and saying, “Fine. You’re the boss.”
She left in a hurry, as if afraid she might say something more. Kelly shared that particular fear. The urge to soften pulled at her chest like an emotional tug of war accented by the desire to hold Elliot. She could stroke her cheek, kiss her lips, and run her fingers through her hair until she quieted the storm in those beautiful eyes, but what could a temporary reprieve really offer? They’d only be right back here in a couple of weeks. She couldn’t keep wavering back and forth, or someday she wouldn’t have any strength left at all, and she desperately wanted to be strong for Elliot. She owed her the same kind of strength Elliot had shown her over the past few weeks. Anything less would be unfair on the most profound level.
With that thought in mind, she tightened her shoulders, clenched her jaw, and forced herself to focus on the inescapable certainty of death and taxes.
Chapter Eighteen
“Hey, Suffragette Sister.”
“Hi, Syd,” Elliot answered as she pinned the phone between her shoulder and chin.
“Uh-oh, what’s wrong?”
“What? Nothing. I didn’t say anything but ‘hi.’ ”
“It’s not what you said. It’s how you said it.”
“Oh.” Elliot understood that lesson more and more these days. Shoveling her books into a backpack, she slung it over her shoulder and headed for the library door. It wasn’t like she’d been working anyway. She’d pretended to study for her CPA exam, but all the work that really mattered now got left at the office at the end of her allotted hours, which Kelly now strictly enforced.
“There you go again,” Syd said in a sing-song voice. “Don’t make me pull out the tired mother clichés. I will not be happy if you make me say something like, ‘A mother always knows when her daughter is hurting.’ ”
She snorted. “No, that would freak us both right out.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
Emerging into the great outdoors, she sighed. Spring had sprung. Buds lined every branch, flowers popped amid a sea of newly green grass, and birds sang overhead. She was young and had time on her hands. She should’ve felt as light and breezy as the gorgeous weather. Instead she couldn’t shake the weight of the world from her shoulders. “Tax season, I guess. My boss. School ending. All of it.”
“Senioritis? Doesn’t sound like you.”
“Maybe not in the traditional sense.” Or not in any sense at all. She wasn’t ready to cut out on her final year of school. She wasn’t sure she wanted to leave at all sometimes, and yet other elements couldn’t conclude fast enough for sanity’s sake. At least if everything really came crashing down, she’d have her answers as to where she needed to be. Right now she felt stuck in a terrible limbo.
“You’re almost done with it all,” Syd said, “and I got a call today that might make the next few weeks a little easier to bear.”
“Yeah?” she asked, eager for a distraction. “Some fun new client?”
“No, but a little bird told me a certain think tank from Washington, D.C. is checking your references.”
Her heart hammered. “Really?”
“Really.” Sydney’s pride practically oozed through the phone. “I’m sure it’s just a formality. They wouldn’t have gotten this far if they didn’t want to hire you.”
“I don’t know.” She meant she didn’t know what to say. The job interview had been in the back of her brain for the past few weeks, but the back of her brain had been foggy and unfocused amid the more pressing concerns of Kelly’s crises. Sure it had come up, but always in the hypothetical sense. Checking references meant she had to at least be a contender, if not one of the final five candidates.
“What do you mean, you don’t know? It’s your destiny. You’re headed to D.C. When should we go look for apartments?”
“Apartments?”
“You’ll need a place to live, and a month isn’t much time.”
“A month.” She eased gently onto a nearby bench, afraid any sudden movements might make the world tilt completely out of balance.
“Is there an echo on the line?”
“Sorry,” Elliot mumbled, “I guess I just didn’t let myself think about getting the job and what moving migh
t entail.”
“It’s time to start thinking.”
Something in her rebelled at the thought, as though her psyche dug in its heels at the idea of complete upheaval. “I haven’t accepted the position yet.”
“Right, but you know you …” Syd’s voice trailed off.
She closed her eyes and breathed slow, steady, intentional breaths as she waited.
“Elliot Amelia Garza.”
Uh-oh. The full government name meant the same thing, no matter how liberal or conservative a mother happened to be.
“You said you haven’t accepted, not that you hadn’t been offered.”
“I haven’t been offered anything yet, either.”
“Right, but when you are offered, you will accept. Immediately. Right?”
“There’s a lot going on right now,” she offered weakly.
“What could possibly be going on that’s more important than the dream you’ve worked so hard for finally coming true?”
“Well, the stuff I said earlier. You know, tax season.”
“Which ends in two weeks.”
“And school.”
“Which is over enough to be wrapped up from D.C.”
“And the move. It would all have to happen so fast.”
“Which I’ve already offered to help with.”
“And … my boss.”
She braced herself for an outburst, but Syd’s voice remained very low and quiet. “Your boss?”
“Her dad just died, and she’s the only one left. I can’t leave her when she’s got a lot going on and—”
“Are you in love with this woman?”
“Yes.” She shook her head as if Syd could see her. “I mean no. Not in love in love.”
“What other kind of ‘in love’ is there?”
“I’m not in love, but we’ve been through a lot.”
“Define ‘a lot,’ ” Syd deadpanned.
She didn’t want to go there. “It’s complicated.”
“I can’t believe this.” Incredulous didn’t even begin to describe Syd’s tone. “Of all the things I worried about happening to you— and trust me, I worried about quite a lot when you said you wanted to go to college in some Podunk, redneck country town— I never even considered this.”
“There’s nothing to consider.”
“You found the only lesbian CPA in all of rural farmland there, became her intern, and in a matter of weeks fell so hard you’re ready to throw away your entire future for her.”
“Mom,” she snapped. She didn’t like Syd’s summary of events. Not at all, especially the last part.
“Don’t ‘Mom’ me.”
“Then stop jumping to the worst case scenario.”
“What other scenario is there?”
“The one where I’m a professional and a human being and I don’t want to leave someone in a lurch. Not until I’m sure everything is settled. And yes, maybe that’s because I care about her as a person.”
The line was quiet for long enough that she felt the need to squirm a bit under the pressure.
“I love you,” Syd finally said. “You know this, right?”
“I do.” She tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat with only a modicum of success. “And I love you, too.”
“Good, because I hope you understand what I’m about to say comes from a place of love.”
Her stomach dropped.
“You’re a good, kind, sweet soul. I’m proud to call you my daughter for all those reasons and more, but if this woman cares about you even a little bit, she wouldn’t take advantage of you this way.”
“Why do you assume she’s taking advantage of me?”
“Because you’re scared. I know you. You’ve gotten this close to having everything, and you’re afraid you don’t have what it takes to seize it. But if you stay there, you’ll regret it. If she knew you at all, she’d understand that, and she wouldn’t be able to live with herself for making you make that choice.”
“She hasn’t asked me to make the choice. She told me I had to go.”
Relief flooded out of Syd in an audible rush of air. “I’ll at least give her credit there. But then what are you still debating?”
“I’m not. I’m just … I know the job is what I always wanted, and I don’t have a real future here, and Kelly doesn’t even want me—”
“Wait, she doesn’t want you?”
“No.” Her voice cracked. “She doesn’t. And I feel stupid because I should’ve realized the only one feeling conflicted here is me.”
“She broke your heart.” Syd’s voice had gone soft again. “I’m so sorry. I’m going to come down there tonight. We’ll file sexual harassment charges and also—”
“No!” Elliot said, horrified. A mother lion with a license to practice law— what a nightmare. “No charges, no visits. She never pushed me.”
“She obviously led you on, and you were going to put your life on hold for her. God, Elliot, you’re such a mess. I don’t know whether I want to hug you or shake you.”
“I know.” And she did. She understood completely how crazy she kept acting. She rolled over every time Kelly so much as showed her a sign of affection, and she shut up every time Kelly cut off conversation. She gave and gave and gave, only to get pushed away repeatedly. God, who had she become? A pushover?
No. A coward.
Kelly had revealed her as everything she’d feared herself to be all along.
“You’re not thinking like yourself right now.” Syd confirmed the internal reprimand. “This woman has gotten in your head and under your skin, and I don’t even want to think about where else, but you cannot give up your dreams for anyone, especially someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.”
“I know,” she repeated. Hearing everything laid out that way did nothing to calm her churning stomach or aching heart.
“You’re not in the right state of mind right now. I need you to trust me. Your original plan is still the right one. Stay the course.”
“Yeah.” She couldn’t disagree, not logically.
“Yeah? Are you ready to start looking at apartments in D.C.?”
“If I get the job offer—”
“When you get the job offer,” Syd corrected.
“When I get the job offer, I will accept.”
“And you’ll call me? And we’ll celebrate.”
Elliot smiled faintly. “Sure.”
“Really? I’m worried about you.”
“Really. I know what I have to do.” Or rather, the only thing she could do. Rory, Syd, Kelly, everyone had made the choice so clear. They’d all but made it for her.
“Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
“And Elliot?” Syd added.
“Yes?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks,” she said, then hung up the phone wishing she felt the same.
Kelly worked steadily in the quiet office. She didn’t have to glance at the clock to know the time. Every minute had been marked with a silent kind of grief since Elliot had left at three. She’d made the rules, and she intended to stick to them, but she’d hoped each day would get a little easier. It hadn’t, and time was running out.
Eight more days until the end of tax season.
Eight more days until Elliot was no longer her intern.
Eight more days to see her, to hear her voice, to feel her so close.
Maybe that’s what made her absence so hard, the fact that she came and went. One minute, the office practically vibrated with possibility, and the next, it plunged into a void of nothingness. Perhaps without the transition, when Elliot finally left and stayed gone, the contrast wouldn’t appear quite so bleak.
She nodded absently as she filed another completed return. Yes, Elliot’s absence didn’t cause the turmoil, her presence did. She’d tell herself that lie for a while to see if she could make it sink in. She doubted the merit of the plan, though. She’d li
ed to herself a lot over the last few years, but she rarely managed to believe herself for long. The regret always returned. Would the sadness associated with Elliot’s departure merge with the remorse she’d grown so used to, or compound it in new and painful ways? Could she survive the addition of more grief to the already crushing pile?
On one hand, she’d already experienced so much loss. Surely her coping muscles were well-honed. She’d lifted heavy burdens in the past, even recently. She had no reason to doubt her ability to take on this new one, which by all accounts shouldn’t compare to the ones she’d shouldered about Beth and her father. Then again, she couldn’t set aside those other traumas simply because she’d picked up a new one. Could she add this one to the already substantial load? Or would Elliot be the brick to finally break her back?
Kelly could ask her to stay.The thought had crossed her mind. But at what cost? To live in the closet? To settle for a lifetime of small-town tax returns? To fence her in and block her out at the same time? Kelly would end up treating her the same way she treated Beth and inevitably come to the same end. And Elliot would have to give up a lifetime of dreams in the meantime. If she asked Elliot to stay, she would either say yes and they’d both regret it, or she would say no and then only Kelly would regret it.
Someone pushed open the back door. She quickly straightened, grabbed a few forms and pretended to work.
“Hi, Kel.”
Beth.
Her shoulders relaxed dramatically. When had the prospect of having to explain herself to Beth become preferable to facing Elliot?
“Mind if I join you?” Beth asked, poking her head into the doorway.
“Not at all,” Kelly said, then added, “maybe just a little bit, but I have a feeling you’re here for a while anyway.”
Beth smiled, and Kelly felt more wistful than aggrieved. There’d been a time when she would’ve said or done anything to get a smile out of her, now she was just glad not to see condemnation there. They hadn’t talked since Rory’d caught her and Elliot together. She’d honestly expected a visit sooner. Now that the shock had worn off, she merely wanted to get it over with. Her embarrassment at them knowing she’d slept with Elliot still pulsed below the surface, but it no longer ranked very high among the other emotions battling for the right to cripple her these days. “I take it Rory told you we ran into each other at Elliot’s last week.”
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