by Leah Torie
“I guess it’s different for you, though.” Jessie realized it would be easy for Anna to homeschool her nonexistent babies.
“Why?”
“If you wanted to homeschool, you could just stay home and let your husband earn the money. I have to keep my business going at the same time.”
Anna’s face showed she hadn’t thought of that. “When will you find time for yourself?”
Jessie shrugged noncommittally. “Eh. Sleep is overrated.”
The phone rang. Jessie picked up straight away.
“Hey Becca! How’s it going?”
“Have you heard from Toby?”
“He sent me a message yesterday.”
There was a pause. “Annnd?” Becca prompted.
“If you need another double date, I’ll do it,” Jessie offered. It felt a little blurted out, but at the same time, she didn’t want to wait for Becca to ask, because that way she didn’t have to tell Becca that she had literally no feelings for Toby.
“Well, now you mention it...” Becca trailed off and Jessie felt resigned to whatever plans her friend had made.
“I’m listening.”
“I want to see Noah again on Friday, but he won’t go without Toby.”
“What time and where?”
“Thank you, Jessie! I mean, Toby’s a nice guy, maybe we’ll be planning a double wedding sometime soon!”
Jessie was glad Becca couldn’t see her, because she cringed at the idea. Whether it was the double wedding or the fact that, in Becca’s fantasy, she would be marrying Toby, she couldn’t say. Perhaps both. It was the last thing on her agenda and she hoped she could avoid it.
“Haha, sure, a double wedding...” Jessie trailed off, trying not to pour cold water on Becca’s enthusiasm. After all, what were the chances of both of them finding Mr. Right at the same time? Or at all?
“I’m so excited. I’ll text you all the details. Save the date!”
“I will.” Jessie got off the phone with Becca and a surge of worry caught in her chest. Becca hadn’t mentioned Bibbi. Was Jessie the only one thinking about her so often? It still felt surreal that Bibbi had avoided them for so long. Usually, within a day or two, one of them would realize the error of their ways and make up again.
She lifted the phone again and began dialing. Instead of pressing the final digit of the phone number, however, Jessie hit the cancel button and stared at the handset. Why was this such a big thing? It should have been easy to call her friend. Instead it was anxiety-inducing. The main problem was Jessie didn’t think she was wrong. Bibbi had been shallow and vain to imply that Becca wouldn’t be happy in a relationship with a male nurse. Jessie was sure of that. So she didn’t want to back down.
“Mama?” Taylor called from upstairs. Jessie turned away from the phone and went to help her daughter. The situation with Bibbi would have to wait until Jessie had any idea what to do about it.
Chapter 10
Friday afternoon, Jessie finished her work with the horses and headed back to her home. Her stomach tingled with unease. Breakfast had been ten hours ago, but it didn’t feel that long ago.
She took a long shower then looked through her closet. There wasn’t a lot to choose from. Generally, she didn’t get dressed up very often. There was a neat black funeral suit that also did double duty as her interview clothes.
Otherwise there was the floaty summery dress she’d bought the year she’d fallen pregnant with Taylor. Its tags were still attached and every time Jessie looked at it she was reminded of how much money she’d spent on a dress she’d never been able to wear. It was the main reason she hadn’t donated it to Goodwill. One day, she’d get her money’s worth out of that dress and not be guilt-ridden and embarrassed when she saw it hanging in the closet. But not tonight. It was definitely a vacation dress.
The third option was to wear the same thing she’d worn on the last date. Toby had already seen her in it. Wasn’t that supposed to be a dating no-no? Jessie frowned. How did some people have time to eat food or go to work when they had to constantly shop for a new outfit? After deliberating for several minutes, she decided she would have to wear the same as last time, because it would look odd to show up to a date in an all-black pant suit.
She didn’t want him to think she was weird. Especially when she wasn’t that into him. Explaining why she was going along with dating him was going to be bad enough.
That made her ask herself the hardest question; how long would she be able to allow this situation to continue? She didn’t want to lead him on, but at the same time, she had to give Becca the best chance of getting together with Noah.
Becca deserved to be happy.
Having reminded herself about why she was doing this, Jessie got ready for the double date, and tried her best to ignore the nagging feeling of unease. Deceptions always weighed heavily on her conscience, and this time was no different, even though she knew she had good reasons to mislead Toby.
From the moment Jessie was seated at the table opposite Toby, she knew she wanted to be anywhere but there.
“Your outfit looks familiar. Didn’t you wear it last time?”
Toby’s simple observation ground Jessie’s gears.
“I don’t date often.”
“So you didn’t know you don’t need to wear the same thing to every date? I mean, I won’t have a problem recognizing you in different clothes.”
Jessie forced herself to giggle because it seemed expected, but this entire conversation was annoying her.
“I meant I don’t have an array of unnecessary outfits at home languishing on hangers while they await your approval.” She shrugged, trying to make her response seem lighthearted, but as soon as she spoke, she knew her words had come out sounding abrasive.
Toby paused for a long time before replying, and Jessie watched his face for some sign about how he’d taken her attitude.
“Like olives?” he asked at length.
Jessie nodded. “I love olives.”
“Garlic or pimiento?”
“Garlic. Duh.”
He laughed, and the tension ebbed away. “Good choice.”
“You?”
“Garlic.”
“Huh. So we have something in common.” Jessie was surprised. So far, he’d seemed completely different to her in every way.
To their right, Noah and Becca held hands above the table. Jessie didn’t want them to think she was staring, so she looked away and fixed her gaze on a scuff on the tabletop. Her mind wandered to the difficult subject of homeschooling Taylor. She had found several different choices for a homeschooling curriculum, but she wasn’t sure which one she wanted to choose. The cheapest one was probably just fine, but Jessie didn’t want to buy it only to discover it wasn’t fine. The most expensive one had all sorts of complicated Internet resources like videos and social media groups, but Jessie didn’t like the idea of having Taylor at home all day only to stare at a tablet for hours on end. It didn’t exactly prepare her daughter for adult life.
“Ready to order?”
A waiter interrupted Jessie’s train of thought and she dragged herself back to the present.
Starters were ordered and arrived. Jessie struggled to find anything to say to Toby, and found herself scraping for topics. By contrast, Becca and Noah seemed to be finding it easy to get along, and when Jessie had finished her olives, they had barely started their own starter—herb topped focaccia.
When the server came to clear the table, Jessie watched Becca eye the uneaten bread longingly. Why won’t you just eat it? Jessie thought to herself, but she didn’t ask Becca because she couldn’t think of a polite way to bring it up.
Every time Toby spoke, Jessie’s thoughts screamed at him. Everything he did just felt so profoundly irritating. Even the tone of his voice was annoying. Jessie had no idea where her anger came from, but soon it was a struggle not to snap at him.
Finally, when the date came to an end, Jessie had spent so much mental energy trying to be ag
reeable that she couldn’t remember what she just ate. On the drive home, she fought to keep her eyes open, and when she got to the front door, she tried to unlock it but the key wouldn’t fit into the lock.
“Hey, sis. Uh...” Anna’s gaze went to Jessie’s keys, which she realized she was still trying to push into the door. “That’s your car key.”
Jessie looked down. She sighed from her toes. “Well, doesn’t that just put the tin lid on it? A ridiculous end to a bizarre evening.”
“Tell me all about it over ice cream,” Anna prompted.
Jessie’s face lit up. “Now you’re talking.” She followed Anna to the kitchen and they opened the freezer together.
“Mint choc chip?” Anna asked.
“No thanks, I prefer chocolate.” Jessie pulled out the carton of her favorite ice cream, which always sat at the back of the top shelf. Anna reached around her to get another carton out of a lower shelf.
“I got this while you were out,” Anna explained.
In silence, the sisters went to the cutlery drawer and Jessie got out two spoons, handing one to Anna.
They shuffled into the living room and sat down on the sofa, both taking an end cushion and leaning on the arm.
Only when they had their ice cream tubs open did Anna look over at Jessie and tilt her head slightly.
“The date was a disaster,” Jessie said, taking a big mouthful of ice cream and savoring the taste for two seconds before the wall of ice hit her like a brick in the face. She frowned as her forehead ached. “Ughhhh, brain freeze!”
“Rookie error. Eat slower, doofus!” Anna sounded exactly like she had when they’d been teenagers bickering over which one of them was going to eat the last donut or whose turn it was to take out the trash.
Instinctively, Jessie looked around to see how her other sister was reacting. Then she remembered Lucinda wasn’t there.
“You okay?” Anna asked, her voice softening and sounding more adult again.
“I... do you ever get the feeling like things didn’t go the way they were supposed to? Big things? Like, there was a plan for you and you went in the wrong direction, and now you’re just lost forever...” Jessie trailed off, realizing she couldn’t explain this properly.
Anna sighed and put a hand on Jessie’s arm.
“You are not lost. And Luce will talk to you again. One day. You know she always did hold onto things forever and a day.”
Jessie wasn’t so sure. She sighed, feeling saddened at the loss of her other sister. “The three of us used to be inseparable. How did you two end up scattered in the ends of the Earth while I stayed home?”
Anna shook her head. “I don’t know, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. Not in this day and age.” She pulled out her phone.
Jessie nodded. “I feel like I don’t make enough of an effort to stay in touch with the two of you.”
“That’s ‘cause you don’t, silly,” Anna teased, but she was grinning. “But then again, neither do I. How’s about we promise to call each other at least once a week when I go back to Hawaii?”
Jessie liked that idea. “Sure. It would be good for Taylor to say hi to you regularly, too. She needs more people in her life who don’t make her feel bad for being my daughter.”
“Ugh. Don’t listen to them. Every last one of them in this town is a sinner, and any who pretend otherwise are committing the biggest one of all—pride.”
Jessie giggled. It was hard to imagine some of the older ladies of the town ever having done anything interesting enough to be considered a sin.
“You’re so bad, Anna. You shouldn’t talk about people you don’t know.”
Anna shook her head. “I guess that makes me a sinner too. See? Everyone’s a sinner. Most people try their best but we’re none of us perfect.”
Jessie knew Anna was trying to make her feel better, but this conversation was starting to make her uneasy. “Let’s leave it there with all the talk of sinning and so on.”
Anna yawned widely and looked at the ice cream with longing. “I think it’s time for me to go to bed. I thought I’d get to eat more of this first.” She stood up, put the lid on the ice cream and stretched. “You gave up on God. He didn’t give up on you. Night.”
She disappeared into the hallway and Jessie remained where she was, trying to make sense of what her sister had just said, and what she meant by it. Had Jessie given Anna any sign that she didn’t believe in Christ anymore? Was it obvious, somehow? She didn’t remember it coming up in conversation. It seemed like such a personal thing for Anna to comment on. For all she knew, Jessie might have gone to church every Sunday.
He didn’t give up on you.
Did Anna know that for a fact? How could she? Jessie was the one living her life, surely, she would know better than anyone that she’d been abandoned by God. He’d given her Taylor, then he’d left her alone, a single parent of a small baby, with no help from anyone in the town. Jessie had been forced to figure everything out by herself. It had been hard and completely exhausting. She didn’t want some supreme being showing up at the last second and taking the credit for her own work. Where had God been every night at four in the morning when Taylor had awoken for milk? Where had He been when Jessie had to take six-month-old Taylor to the emergency room because she’d choked on a button? Where was He now?
Jessie blew air through her teeth. No. She was by herself. And she was in control of her own future. Not some invisible creator who just watched while Jessie’s whole life fell apart over and over.
Jessie finished her ice cream alone, and threw the empty pot into the recycle can. It was almost full, but she didn’t feel like emptying it so late at night, so she left it. Anyway, maybe she would luck out and Anna might take care of all the trash in the morning.
It could happen.
Jessie went upstairs to her bedroom. Alone. The double bed was usually luxurious, with its high thread count sheets and calming low mood lighting. Now, however, it was too big. Too empty. How could she ever fill it by herself?
No. She didn’t want to be tied to someone who might just do the same as Taylor’s father.
Especially not Toby. Everything about him implied he wanted to settle down. It made Jessie want to flee in the opposite direction. Preferably, in lightweight sneakers so she could outrun him.
Why am I so opposed to him? On paper he was a perfectly nice guy, and Jessie felt bad for not wanting to be with him. It came down to the fact there was no spark between them, and whatever she did, she couldn’t fix that.
The magnitude of the situation with Becca weighed her down. Someday soon, Jessie would have to tell her friend she wasn’t interested in dating Toby again. That was going to go down like a lead balloon.
Chapter 11
Jessie looked at herself in the mirror and finally admitted that she had a serious problem. It had taken three weeks, but now the issue had spiraled out of control and she knew she needed professional help.
But she really didn’t want to call the only person qualified to deal with it.
“Here goes nothing.” She picked up the phone and called a number she knew by heart.
“Bibbi’s beauty salon, Bibbi here, how may I help?”
Bibbi’s comforting voice filled Jessie with sweet warmth.
“Hey, Bibbi. It’s me. Uh...” Why was this so hard? “Could you book me an appointment, please? My body hair is out of control and I don’t think I can fix it by myself.”
There was silence on the other end of the line for a minute, and Jessie knew Bibbi was thinking things through.
“Sure. Saturday? I have a space at two.”
“Perfect. I’ll see you there.” Jessie ended the call and made herself a hot drink, then sipped it slowly while she tried to decide whether she thought Bibbi was still annoyed with her or whether she had forgotten about the incident in the restaurant by then.
When Saturday came around, Jessie showed up at the salon fifteen minutes early.
“Hey, Jessie, Bibbi
’s just finishing up with someone, could you take a seat, please?” Charmaine, Bibbi’s trainee, was covering the reception area. The salon was bustling, with two older ladies chit-chatting from under large hairdryer hoods, and someone else keeping their nails under a blue light to dry them.
Jessie picked up a magazine and opened it. The first page was a happy couple grinning at the camera. She turned it over and realized it was a wedding magazine. The front cover promised articles such as, White or ivory? All your questions answered! and Ring bearer ideas you’ll love. Jessie shook her head in disbelief. She felt like she’d walked into a parallel world where things like chair seat covers mattered to someone, somewhere.
The only thing she’d ever liked about weddings was the big cake. Every wedding she ever went to, she always looked forward to the moment when the cake was cut and she got to taste it. Wedding cake was always exceptional.
Not that she got many invites. The current trend seemed to be child-free weddings, and Jessie didn’t like going anywhere for a long day that excluded her daughter.
She knew she ought to put the magazine down. Nothing good would come of reading about something she was never going to do. But something compelled her to keep flipping through the pages. An image caught her eye. A beautifully decorated church with just a few relatives in attendance. The bride and groom’s outfits were smart but minimalist. Jessie was intrigued. Right up until she read the headline beneath the picture.
“When your husband won’t pay: Loans to avoid a low-key wedding.”
Disgusted, Jessie closed the magazine and left it on the table. She picked up another one, but it was all about fashion and she’d never really been interested in dressing up.
Resigned to not understanding why this stuff was so important to so many people, Jessie put down that magazine, too, and checked her phone.
Thinking of you. There’s a new Meryl Streep movie showing at the cinema tonight and you still owe me a date.