by H. G. Adler
“Gentlemen, there are no dead here to haul off. You made that mistake with me once already, and I won’t stand for it again.”
Derek and Brian didn’t react at all, and just continued standing there with heads bent. I looked them both dead in the eye and observed that, despite hanging their heads, they were both shaking shamelessly with laughter. I felt that there was something sympathetic and forgiving in their expressions, as if they grasped a deep misunderstanding, which caused them to immediately summon the kind of respect that was only proper to their lower position. I looked for the mailman once again, but what could he know as he hopped from house to house in a carefree manner, hardly thinking about me but, rather, about his work, he seeming less and less important the farther off he moved. I had done nothing for him other than sign for the delivery, but even that, even that was too much; he had my signature, meaning that I alone had to worry about what to do with these pallbearers.
“Do you have some kind of message for anyone at this house?”
The pallbearers breathed more easily and looked at me officiously.
“You, then,” Brian replied, “are the famous Herr Dr. Adam Landau?”
I nodded and corrected him: “Arthur!”
“That doesn’t matter, Arthur or Adam, it’s all the same.”
“If you say so.”
This I said in a somewhat melancholy way, but I didn’t think much about it.
“You mustn’t be sad, Herr Doctor,” Derek confided. “We are here on a happy occasion.”
With an encouraging look, Brian agreed, but he seemed to disapprove of Derek’s rude talk. Then he said, “My colleague is right, the news is good.”
“So, then, tell me, Brian!” I said, such that he shut up, surprised that I had called the man by his first name.
Then the front door of the hearse opened, and the driver—I remembered right away that he was called Jock—got out with some difficulty and walked right up to the gate, where he greeted each pallbearer in turn. He had also left the door open behind him, and next to his seat I saw someone hunkered down in the hearse. It was a very old man who was wrapped up against the season in a winter coat, over which a long beard fell. The man looked familiar to me, but I could have been wrong; in any case, I likely wouldn’t have been able to recall. But then, after a moment, I realized that it was the director of the crematorium, who had interceded personally, because I had given the pallbearers such a hard time during their last visit. Yet that probably wasn’t true; the old man had likely come along for some unknown reason and had nothing to do with the task of picking up the dead. He couldn’t care less about me and the three assistants, but instead just sat there unmoving, as if the whole thing had nothing to do with him.
Brian let Jock approach, and Jock planted himself between Derek and Brian and slung his arms fondly over the two of them. Did the pallbearers feel too weak to carry out their task, such that they had to rely on the driver’s help? Brian, whom I had asked to speak up, still didn’t speak. If the behavior of the men, who stood before me like a living wall, had not been so polite, I would have been very angry and felt there was horseplay afoot. In a room behind me, breakfast was waiting; I could hear the voices of my family and couldn’t stand here in the doorway for long. I also wanted to avoid an embarrassing appearance, and to protect Anna from any kind of unpleasant business.
“Gentlemen, you know from your last visit that I was willing to follow you to the crematorium. Or not willing, to be honest, but still I went along. And yet nothing came of it. All of a sudden, you disappeared and everything was over. It all came to nothing. That can’t happen again. I am still alive; everyone in this house is alive. I’m also expecting someone. Please acknowledge that you’ve made a mistake and leave me alone!”
The three men looked at me, disappointed, yet none said a word. Probably it was hard for them to know what to say, or perhaps they were just cowardly. I could tell that I still had to say something.
“Well, then, Brian, don’t make any fuss and finally drop this business for good! I want to have breakfast and don’t have any time for this.”
“Oh, please, please, don’t be so impatient!”
“No, really, don’t be!” whispered Derek and Jock intently in order to back up Brian.
“I’m not impatient, but enough of this talk, if that’s what you mean by happy news!”
“We’re here to pick you up.”
“That’s what I in fact thought. But today you won’t get me so easily. Show me your orders!”
“I don’t have any orders, only an honorable duty.”
“I doubt that I will honor your duty. But that’s enough, off with you!”
“My colleagues and I have to put up with all you say, if that’s what suits you. Still, I would really appreciate it if you would handle us a little more respectfully. It really hurts when you offend us, for we are not allowed to answer back.”
“I don’t mean to offend you, Brian, but if you won’t listen any longer, then you have to explain in no uncertain terms what it is you want.”
“Here in the middle of the street? Are you serious, Herr Doctor?”
“Well, then, come into my study. But promise me that it won’t take very long.”
I immediately regretted inviting the men in, but there was no turning back now and, strangely, not once was I afraid that they outnumbered me three to one. With their hats in their hands and allowing me to take the lead, the three followed me into the house and into my study. I shut the door firmly behind them, walked over to my desk, where the completed manuscript of my Sociology of Oppressed People lay, sat down, and pointed to some chairs, indicating that my little-desired guests should take a seat. However, they didn’t respond to my gesture of invitation but stepped up to my desk as if they wanted to admire my work, though they kept a bit of a distance, which made it clear to me that they were indeed serious about being respectful.
“Well, then?” I said to Brian again.
“I have the duty to invite you to the Sociology Conference of the International Society of Sociologists at Shepherd’s Field, and to take you there as well.”
That couldn’t be right, I couldn’t possibly have heard right. The Sociology Conference. Shepherd’s Field? Pallbearers sent for such a duty, nor was I even a member of the society. Who was trying to make a fool of me? I didn’t know if I should be angry or just laugh, but I didn’t react at all.
“Did you bring along a written invitation?”
All of the men seemed to wonder if they had. Brian squinted to either side of him at Derek and Jock before he answered me.
“An invitation, Herr Doctor? No, we don’t have an invitation. But that is not necessary, for you are a guest of honor. We are only little people who know nothing. We were just given an assignment, and now we are only doing what we were asked to do. For people like us there is no talking back, unless we want to lose our paychecks. Isn’t that right, Derek?”
“Yes, of course, that’s correct.”
“Precisely!” confirmed the one to the left.
“There you have it, Herr Doctor. We were sent, and we just do what we’re told. This time we had to deal with the mailman. That was new to us. Poor Jock had to drive at a snail’s pace. But what came of that? Nothing at all. And now we ask of you, let us take you to Shepherd’s Field!”
“To Shepherd’s Field? As I’m sitting here?”
“Yes. There they are holding the Sociology Conference. We’e supposed to bring you.”
“Not to the crematorium?”
“What do you think of us! It’s enough to make one cry, since you don’t wish to believe us! When I say Shepherd’s Field, then it’s Shepherd’s Field. Everything there, I’ve been told, is arranged for you.”
“Do I have to go with you?”
“No, no. Certainly not. We have an assignment, not you. You are requested to. But of your own free will. But, as I already said, we are lackeys, and if we don’t bring you it will be bad for us.”
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“I could write a note saying that you carried out your assignment to the fullest. I can take all the blame myself.”
“Oh, please don’t do that, Herr Dr. Landau! Just come along!”
“You want to put me in the coffin?”
“Who told you that? We won’t put you in the coffin unless you tell us to. You have no idea how insistently we were told to only follow your lead. All we are supposed to do is give general directions, instruct, and advise. I’ve been doing this a long time, but I can’t recall ever being reminded so vehemently about our responsibilities. You are in charge, but please don’t cause any difficulties!”
“What do you think should happen? Tell me what your gut says, Brian!”
“You should sit, if you’re willing, on top of the coffin. Ahead and behind you will be flowers and wreaths. Derek and I will sit on either side of you, as your honor guard. We can support you or hold you by the hands so that during the drive, if it gets bumpy, you won’t lose your balance and fall. Also, the drive will be short, and the hearse has good springs. Jock will drive whatever speed you like.”
“When will all this happen?”
“Whenever you would like, but if I could ask on our behalf, then as soon as possible.”
At this Johanna walked in, wanting to see what was taking me so long, but when she saw the pallbearers her annoyance at my dallying seemed to disappear.
“Good morning, gentlemen. To what do we owe the pleasure of this early visit today?”
The men felt relieved to see my wife, greeting her and talking to her kindly. One could tell that they were deeply afraid that I would turn down the invitation to the Sociology Conference. That’s why they made every effort to win Johanna’s sympathies. She was at least as amazed as I was, though she recovered her footing much more quickly. She didn’t give off any sense of mistrust but, on the contrary, behaved as if things were fine for me. Then we agreed that we probably needed to hurry, but we didn’t want to rush things, and, to the pallbearers’ delight, which far exceeded that of the driver, I agreed to take my place on the coffin for the drive. As soon as I said I was ready, they vied with one another to make me happy, continually asking me what I wanted during the journey. Finally, I waved away all their niceties with both hands, it having become too much. Before that caused them to despair, Johanna had the good idea to invite them to breakfast. Charmed, they accepted the invitation and promised this time not to stuff any food or silverware into their pockets.
Pleased, the guests came along with us, bowing to Anna and warmly greeting the children, who were not the least bit afraid of them. Derek remarked attentively how beautifully they had grown and developed. Places were quickly set for the three men, and still more hearty items were brought out so that we could all fortify ourselves. Oddly, I was satisfied with everything, my strong animosity, which I at least felt toward Brian, having melted away, since he had tried as best he could to soften his nature and to be friendly to the good-natured Derek, who seemed to be very interested in Anna, though he also joked around with Eva, who couldn’t take her eyes off him. Meanwhile, Jock was entirely engaged by our Michael, who was proud to impress an actual charioteer with his knowledge and asked him about a hundred different things. Jock was a bit at a loss when Michael wanted to know whether a hearse was built differently from a normal car. Then the boy turned to his mother and asked pleadingly whether, in addition to the good two dozen toy cars he already owned, he could soon add a beautiful black hearse, complete with glass windows. Jock saved Johanna the effort of having to explain that such toys did not exist, because a good child didn’t think about death, but how nice it would be to have other cars, such as a fire truck with a pump and a ladder. In this way, the children were happily distracted and gave Johanna and me time to discuss what we needed to with Brian. He had no trouble at all with the idea that after breakfast I would put on my best suit. He also happily assented when Johanna asked if she could attend my special day. He recommended that she put on her best dress, something becoming. She suggested that she could ride with me in the hearse, whether it be next to the coffin or along with me on top of it. Again, it became apparent that the men were to follow my orders, because Brian stated courteously that I, and I alone, could say. While it didn’t fall within the purview of his assignment to say so, he thought it was not a good solution, for though the coffin was indeed solid and would not collapse under the weight, the flowers and wreaths might suffer, and that would be deplorable. In addition, in his twenty-five years of service as a pallbearer he could not recall a wife’s ever having been in a hearse who was not already dead, and therefore such a thing had never been heard of before. After some consideration, we had to respect these arrangements.
Brian explained how near we were to Shepherd’s Field, and that it would be easy for my wife to walk there and have Anna accompany her. If the two women left in time, they would have the chance to see me arrive and be witnesses to the certainly ample welcome that awaited me. But I couldn’t stand to have Johanna walk while I rode. Which is why I had to figure out a suitable means of transportation for the women. Someone recommended a taxi, but Johanna remembered that sometimes you had to wait half an hour on the telephone, only to have one not show up. She therefore had a better idea. The Simmondses, who ran the vegetable stand around the corner, were pleasant people whose large delivery truck stood idle in the morning hours at the start of West Park Row. Johanna could speak to Mrs. Simmonds right after breakfast to see if her husband might be prepared to take them the short way to Shepherd’s Field. The idea seemed to me excellent.
The bigger worry was what we should do with the children. Perhaps I should quickly take them to school and kindergarten, but Johanna was against this; we should not be celebrating while the children had a normal day of work at school. Brian looked at her gratefully and said with admiration that she was a good mother; one could see straightaway that she had all it took to provide the children with a good upbringing. Then she suggested that perhaps Michael and Eva could be left with Mrs. Stonewood or Mrs. Byrdwhistle, but they would be bored there, because the children of these women would be in school; it was a bad idea. Then I came up with the solution. If Mr. Simmonds would let us use his truck, there would certainly be enough room to take the children as well. Brian congratulated me and passed on to the father the very same compliments that he had just made to the mother.
Thus everything was settled as to what needed to happen next. Anna took it upon herself to dress up the children, who romped about in excitement. Johanna hurried over to the Simmondses’, while I left the three men to smoke and talk among themselves as I hurried off to put on my best suit. Then I walked into my study in order to watch for Johanna’s return from the window. Then she was there, a quick look convincing me that she had met with success at the Simmondses’, and, sure enough, there followed right behind her a powerful vegetable truck that pulled up right behind the hearse. I also saw how the Simmondses got out leisurely and the two of them stood on the sidewalk next to their truck. Somewhat breathless, Johanna hurried in to say to me that the merchant had been somewhat impressed by the request and had closed his shop, Mrs. Simmonds in no way wanting to miss the excitement. When I looked out to the street again, I saw that quite a number of people had gathered, though it was not a deafening crowd as when I was supposed to go to the crematorium. Michael and Eva yelled, wanting to run out of the house, but Anna held them back, wishing to prevent too big of a scene. Johanna rushed back and forth in the house, as would any proper housewife before a family outing. Shepherd’s Field—at the sound of that the children could hardly contain themselves, as for them it meant the fun of the annual fair. I didn’t have the heart to smash these expectations. The idea of holding a conference under the open sky struck me as a bit austere, but hopefully they had put up a large tent, as one would use for a circus, as well as taken care to put in a stand for refreshments, so that the children wouldn’t be too disappointed.
Finally, we were all r
eady and left the house. On the street a number of curious people had gathered, but far fewer than I had feared. The neighbors, however, were all there and looked on—that’s the only way to put it—with deep respect. I didn’t trust my eyes and tried to find any hint of mockery in the faces of familiar ones and strangers, or any other sign of misguided feeling, but there was not a trace of it to be found. On the contrary, they wished us well with obvious warmth and seemed proud of us, Mrs. Byrdwhistle holding back tears of joy. The ones farther off waved at us, while across in the apartment house a number stood at their windows waving handkerchiefs and little flags. I was pleased to also find there the two women with the cat that walked along the ledge.
Meanwhile, Mr. Simmonds had opened the back of his old truck and covered the flooring with many layers of newspaper, while his wife vainly basked in her fame in playing an important role at a civic event. I no longer know just how it came about, but before long Mrs. Stonewood and Mrs. Byrdwhistle and their children, as well as some other people from the neighborhood, had climbed into the vegetable truck, the delighted Eva having already been lifted up, while Michael boyishly couldn’t hold back and ignored all his mother’s urgings to such a degree that he got his jacket and pants dirty. Even Anna had nimbly swung herself up into the truck. Only Johanna remained next to me and waited there, not knowing what to do. Then came Jock, who stretched out a hand and assured us that he would drive carefully, he knew what this day meant. He then sat before his steering wheel, and next to him sat the old man, who, as before, didn’t care about anything that was going on around him, and still looked familiar to me, though I couldn’t place him.