by Holly Martin
‘I should go,’ Aidan said, and he turned and walked down the stairs. She followed him down and found Beast had made himself comfortable on the sofa.
She suddenly didn’t want him to go, not because she wanted to jump into bed with him, but she was just enjoying his company. He made her smile and she liked that.
She spotted the origami strawberry she’d made earlier.
‘I made you something,’ she said, and then regretted it in case he thought it was lame. But it was true that she had made it with him in mind.
He turned to her with surprise. ‘As a reward for my heroic deeds? Normally the social norm is just to have sex.’
She laughed and picked up the strawberry. She was quite proud of it, the little green leaves and the tiny black dots she’d added after for the seeds. It was a perfect shape too.
‘I haven’t done this for a while, but you inspired me to do origami again.’
She passed it to him and he held it carefully in his hand, staring at it, turning it over to appreciate all the different folds.
‘It’s not sex but…’ Tori said.
‘It’s fantastic, thank you.’
‘I was going to make you a heartberry but I wasn’t entirely sure what they look like and when I Googled it, they really do look like tiny hearts and I thought you’d get the wrong idea if I made you a heart,’ Tori gabbled, trying to make this lame gift a bit better.
‘That secretly you fancy my elbows? That’s not so much of a secret.’
Tori laughed. ‘Go home and take your elbows with you.’
Aidan walked to the door and then turned back to face her. Silhouetted against the moonlight he was a wonderful sight.
‘Sweet dreams, Tori Graham.’
She smiled at how lovely that was but then he started showing off his elbows as if he wanted her to dream about them and she laughed.
‘Go, you need to conserve your energy for tomorrow night.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘Yes, I want to try this amazing beans on toast. I don’t want you burning the toast because you’re too tired.’
He laughed. ‘I promise, you won’t be disappointed.’
Her heart thudded against her chest. He was clearly talking about something else other than beans on toast.
‘I’m sure I won’t,’ she said, enjoying the banter.
He grinned and walked out of the gate, turning and giving her a wave before disappearing into the darkness as he headed up the lane. She closed the door and went and sat on the sofa next to a snoring Beast.
Her heart was still thudding against her chest. There was a huge part of her that wanted to put the brakes on this before it went any further, but maybe it was the relaxed, happy atmosphere of Sandcastle Bay, maybe it was just him, but she felt safe with him. Even if this never went any further than a bit of harmless flirting, she could enjoy that at least.
8
Tori was sitting outside on the wall of The Cherry on Top, staring out at the sea, waiting for Melody. There was something about this place that just made her smile so much. It felt a world away from London and its fast-paced, non-stop life. It was peaceful and quiet, and everyone seemed so friendly. Already that morning, she’d stopped at the little post office shop to get some milk and been presented with a few chicken drumsticks for Beast from the owner, Mary Nightingale. She’d met Trevor, the owner of all the sheep, who had apologised about blocking the road and given her an apple pie that his wife had made. It was easy to see why Isla and Melody had felt so settled here so quickly. She didn’t know if she could ever live somewhere like Sandcastle Bay but there was definitely an appeal to it.
She watched Mark and Mindy jog past on the beach in their high-vis gear again, Mindy jogging way out in front of her poor husband. Mark looked over wistfully at The Cherry on Top as they passed and stopped. He looked at Mindy, who hadn’t noticed, and suddenly he started rubbing his leg and moaning about cramp. Tori smothered a laugh. Mindy came running back to help him and he waved her on, saying he would just have a little rest here for a while and then catch her up. After a bit of persuasion, Mindy carried on jogging and, as soon as she was far enough away, Mark hurried into The Cherry on Top with seemingly no cramp problems at all. Tori smiled to herself. Sandcastle Bay held some right characters.
Nearby a radio was playing the news, reporting a hurricane off the coast of America that was predicted to change course and head across the Atlantic towards the UK. It was hard to imagine this calm, tranquil haven being the victim of a hurricane.
She saw movement along the sea front and looked over. It was Leo Jackson. He had this air of confidence about him that said he didn’t care what people thought about him. The way he carried himself, she got the impression that he was angry with the world but that hadn’t been the Leo she had met the night before. The Leo who adored Elliot and invited Isla to stay just so she wouldn’t have to go up the hill at the end of the night. He saw her and smiled. Tori thought he would just carry on straight past into the café, so it surprised her when he sat down next to her on the wall.
‘I’m glad I caught you alone, I wanted to talk to you,’ Leo said.
Why would he want to talk to her? He looked out over the sea as if embarrassed to be talking to her about this.
‘About Isla?’ she asked.
He frowned. ‘No, definitely not.’
No, of course not. If something was happening between them and they were keeping it top secret, he certainly wouldn’t be asking advice from someone he’d just met.
‘About Aidan then?’
‘About Matthew.’
‘Oh.’
That wiped the smile off her face. She had been sitting there, enjoying the view, feeling the relaxed atmosphere of the place seep into her bones, and now she felt herself tense in response to that one word.
‘There weren’t lots of girls. I wanted to clarify that. I only said that yesterday to cover over the fact that I had clearly dropped you in it. Matthew talked about you often. In the last three or four months before he died, you were pretty much the only thing he did talk about. He wasn’t seeing anyone else. Thought you should know.’
Tori stared at him, emotion clawing at her throat as all those buried feelings for Matthew came flooding back.
‘I have no right to care about that but I do,’ she said.
‘Why do you not have any right?’ Leo asked.
‘I pushed him away. I told him I didn’t want a relationship with him, just before he died.’ She paused. ‘And that wasn’t the first time either.’
She looked at Leo and he sat there patiently, waiting for her to talk if she wanted to, not pushing her for any more than she wanted to give. She had never talked about Matthew with anyone and all these suppressed feelings came bubbling to the surface now.
‘We were best friends growing up. Me, Melody and Matthew, and mostly Isla too, would always hang around together, inside school and out. He was my first kiss and later, at eighteen, he was the first person I made love to as well. I don’t know why we did, we hadn’t been dating or anything. But one night, it just sort of happened. I was scared about getting involved in any kind of relationship, it destroyed my mum when my dad left, and I didn’t want to go through that. He was due to go on a gap year anyway, which turned into a gap three years, and so the morning after we made love and he asked what it meant for us now, I told him I wasn’t interested in starting anything, that we were better staying friends. I think I hurt him, though he never said anything.
‘He left for America and later Australia and I always thought it was for the best. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. We stayed in touch over the years, but we were never as close as we were growing up. I don’t know whether it was the distance; he went to university down this way when he eventually came back to the UK, and after a brief stint in London, he got work down here. Or maybe it was that I’d driven a wedge between us after such a wonderful night together.’
Tori looked away over the sea as she r
emembered the first time she had laid in his arms.
‘And Isla and Melody never knew?’
‘No. I don’t know if they noticed the change between us, but he was away from the UK for three years; of course things would be different between us.’
‘Then you got together again years later?’
‘Sort of. One night, probably about four months before he died, he phoned to speak to Melody and she wasn’t in. We ended up chatting for hours. Then he phoned again the next night and the night after. It was just like old times again. We spoke every day for about two months. It was quite clear that something a lot more than friendship was going on. One night he said he wished he was with me so he could kiss me and I said I wished for that too. The following weekend, he came up. The worst thing was that he told Isla that he had to go away with work and could she come down here and look after Elliot. She leapt at the chance, she loved spending time with Elliot. Melody decided to come down here too. And me and Matthew spent the whole weekend in London making love. After that we’d chat two or three times a day and it was quite clear that Matthew wanted it to be something. He kept talking about me coming down here. I was busy with work so I kept putting him off, but I knew in reality I was scared about getting involved in a relationship again. I’d had one serious relationship that had ended badly and the thought of being in another relationship, especially with my best friend, freaked me out. He knew that too and he confronted me about it. We ended up having a big row and I called things off. I regretted it as soon as I’d done it and I deliberated about whether it was the right thing or not, changing my mind and changing it back again over the next few days. Five days after our row, he was dead.’
She swallowed down the pain of the grief and guilt that lay heavy in her heart, but she felt a bit lighter for finally talking about it.
‘And Isla and Melody don’t know any of this?’
Tori shook her head.
‘In reality, we didn’t have any kind of relationship to tell them about. A one-night stand when I was eighteen, one amazing weekend and a few months of flirty, phone calls.’
‘So, you didn’t have a conventional relationship with dates and actually seeing each other on a regular basis, but you guys talked more each day than most happily married couples. I know he wanted you to come down and visit but you were scared. He understood that. So, I know something of your tentative relationship. Whatever it was between you, I know that it was more than just friends; that he absolutely adored you, probably even loved you, so don’t dismiss that.’
She swallowed, tears pricking her eyes. Leo was the only person who had validated what she had with Matthew. No one knew about them and when he’d died she didn’t feel she had the right to grieve for him to the extent she wanted, at least not publicly. Melody was his sister and she was distraught. Tori had to be there for her, not impede on her grief with her own. Their mum had specified that the funeral be small, family only, so she hadn’t gone. Visiting his grave had been one of the things that she planned to do while she was here, though she wasn’t looking forward to it. She thought she had let him down somehow.
‘He wanted more than I was willing to give, and I will always regret that,’ Tori said, quietly. ‘We were friends for so long and I was scared of losing that, of trusting in a relationship again. I knew I loved him. I was just too scared to do anything about it. The worst thing was that he died never knowing how I really felt and he probably died hating me too.’
There was silence for a while as they sat on the sea wall, looking out over the waves.
‘There was an email,’ Leo said, quietly.
Tori looked at him.
‘Isla asked me to go through his things, his emails, his computer, take care of anything that needed taking care of. She asked me to email people from work or other contacts and let them know what had happened. There was an email to you in his draft folder. It was written three days before he died. I read it to see if it was anything important and…’ he trailed off.
‘And?’
‘Well, it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to send it to you. I didn’t know you, though I knew how much he cared for you. When I casually mentioned you to Isla and asked about your relationship with Matthew, she said that you were just friends. I wasn’t sure what to do. People write email messages to people all the time with no intention of ever sending them, just as a way to pour out their feelings, but it’s not something they actually want the other person to see. In my mind there was a reason why he hadn’t sent that email when he’d written it and not in the following days before he died either. I wondered whether he was still refining it, trying to get the right words, or if he never meant for you to see it at all. I didn’t want to betray Matthew. But now I think you should see it.’
‘Do you still have it?’
‘Yes, I think so. I forwarded it to my own email, just in case. But this was a year ago. I’d need to look for it. Give me a day or so.’
She nodded, wondering what it was Matthew had wanted to say after their row. God, what if it was something horrible, she didn’t know if she could cope with that.
‘You shouldn’t take all the responsibility for the relationship never really taking off. You were both busy with work and long-distance relationships rarely work. Who’s to say if he was still alive that it would have worked out between you anyway? I think Matthew’s death taught me one thing, that we can’t live our life with regrets. Be happy with what you had – a wonderful, very close friendship – and perhaps learn from it in the future.’
‘How do I learn from it?’
Leo sighed as he looked out to sea. ‘I’m not in any position to give you advice about love, my life is a bit of a mess when it comes to that side of things. But sometimes you have to take a risk because the reward can be amazing. If you think the reward is good enough, then you shouldn’t let fear get in the way. If it doesn’t work out at least you tried, rather than regret that you didn’t.’
Tori nodded. ‘Very true, but in many cases, it’s a lot harder than it looks.’
‘I know. In life it’s very easy to take the safe path, where you think you’ll never get hurt, but life is short, and we never know what is around the next corner. Life can change in the blink of an eye and no matter how careful you are, how safe you think your life is, you will always end up getting hurt one way or another.’ Leo grinned. ‘The other path is much more fun so maybe take some risks now and again.’
Tori smiled. He was so right. She had been so careful with her heart and in one awful moment she had lost Matthew, and then Melody shortly after when she had moved to Sandcastle Bay. She had ended up hurt anyway so maybe it was time to have some fun.
He looked down the beach and stood up. ‘Melody’s coming. I’ll let you get on.’
‘Thank you for talking to me.’
He nodded and moved away, and Tori watched him go.
‘Leo.’
He turned back to face her.
‘He loved you too. Whenever we’d talk, your name would come up often. I could tell he adored you.’
He stared at her for a few moments and then nodded and walked away.
A few seconds later Melody bounced up and gave Tori a great big hug. ‘Hey, you. Did I see you talking to Leo?’
‘Oh, yes, not anything important, just, well, mundane stuff really: weather, Sandcastle Bay, nothing special,’ Tori said, vaguely, hating that she was lying to her best friend. She didn’t know why she didn’t feel she could tell Melody the truth. When she and Matthew had started their… relationship, it had been just two friends catching up. She’d told Melody he’d called, and they’d chatted for a bit, and Melody clearly hadn’t thought anything of it. And at that time there really wasn’t anything to it. When he had called the next night to talk to her this time, not Melody, Tori still hadn’t mentioned it to her friend and it became this private thing, a wonderful, delicious secret just between them.
As time had gone on, it became even harder to tell Mel
ody, because how did she tell her friend that she had been flirting and chatting with her brother every day for four months, or that they had secretly spent the weekend making love, while Melody and Isla had been babysitting Elliot? She felt bad about that, but Matthew had deliberately lied to his sisters so he could spend the weekend with her and she didn’t want to betray him by telling the truth. After his death, it became almost impossible to tell Melody and Isla. She didn’t want them to think Tori was laying some claim over him and the lie over that weekend sat heavy on her conscience. What was the point of hurting them over a relationship that had never really taken off? Melody seemed to take her word for it, which made Tori feel even worse. Melody linked arms with her and they walked into the café.
The place was quite busy, again filled with elderly couples. Mark was sitting in one corner, eating what looked suspiciously like a bacon sandwich. She gave him a wave and he blushed guiltily, moving the menu stand subtly in front of his plate so she wouldn’t see what he was eating, but it was a little too late for that. Melody made for the corner where there was one table empty and Tori followed.
‘I think I might get the waffles,’ Melody said, excitedly. ‘Emily makes the most amazing waffles and then you can get either savoury or sweet toppings. The cheese and mushroom toppings are delicious, but then so is the banoffee. Maybe I’ll get both.’
Tori smiled at her friend, at how something as simple as a great lunch could make her so happy. ‘That sounds good, shall I go and order? My treat.’
‘Oh no, let me pay. You’ve come all the way down here to see us, I can at least buy you lunch.’
‘Well, if you buy me lunch, I’ll buy the pudding,’ Tori insisted.
Melody smiled. ‘Deal.’
Emily came over to take their order and, after she had written it down, she nudged Tori. ‘So, hot date with my brother tonight?’