Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

  “I love you, too.” He squeezed me. “We’ve gotten through a lot together. We’ll get through this, too. I’m not leaving you.”

  I wasn’t sure how I scored such an awesome best friend, but I’d be eternally grateful to whatever god or destiny or fate put him in my path.

  The pilot was messing with some controls, and Eshrin came up to me with a water. “We’re just making sure we have a clear path home. We’ll be off in a few minutes.”

  “Thank you.”

  “My pleasure, Amihanna.”

  The ship was filled with my friends—old and new—and maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a queen, maybe I was too headstrong and stubborn, but if I could just have some sort of normal existence where death and danger and destruction weren’t part of my daily life, then everything would be okay.

  Okay was just going to have to be good enough for me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  AMIHANNA

  It’d been two days since I’d come back from the tournament, and things were getting worse. I assumed that after everything I said—after everything I did—the Aunare people would see who I was. I assumed that things would get better or easier or that I’d at least feel more settled, more Aunare. But assuming was a very dangerous thing, especially when exactly none of those things happened.

  The only thing that changed after the tournament was that I slept in Lorne’s room every night. The first night I slept for twelve hours and woke up feeling better than I had in years. That one night of peaceful sleep gave me hope. Hope that everything was getting better. Hope that my assumptions were all coming true. Hope that I would forge a new life—a better, safer life—on Sel’Ani.

  But I puked up every hope I had left last night.

  My nightmares woke us up three times. Three times, I rushed to the bathroom. Three times, I sobbed on the cold tile floor, defeated and wondering when it would end. If it would ever end.

  After the third time, I decided to get an early start on my day, and Lorne left to get some work done. I wasn’t sure what exactly he did all day, but I assumed it was equal parts politics and boring. With him gone, I found myself wandering the hallways. I ended up outside for a while, sitting on the bench beside the giant fountain of me holding faksano in my hands, and watched the suns rise. The first one brought light, and if I squinted just right, I could imagine I was back home on Earth. The second sun rose, spreading a pink hue over Sel’Ani, and I could no longer pretend.

  I lay on the bench, watching the water fly upward, forming fighters that exploded into a spray of drops. The scent of flowers and trees and dirt filled my senses. The water glittered as it formed the attackers for a split second before falling apart. The splashing and trickling of the water was soothing, lulling me into a calmness that I couldn’t find anywhere else on the estate.

  Slowly birds chirped more and more, and the gardens and forest beyond started to wake up. But I let my vision blur and relaxed again, and a listlessness came over me.

  It was there on that bench in the quiet dawning of another day that I realized I was missing something essential in my life. Something that I’d never been without before.

  I didn’t have a purpose driving me to get out of bed every day.

  I didn’t have any goals for my future.

  I didn’t have a job.

  I’d been working for as long as I could remember. I had to. When I was little, I helped my mother with whatever job she had. As soon as I could pass as old enough to work, I got a job of my own—waitressing, cleaning toilets, washing clothes, babysitting neighbors’ kids, teaching martial arts. Anything that could earn me some cash without anyone asking a ton of questions, I did.

  And it was never just one job. I always had at least a couple going. There was always something for me to do, and a very important reason for me to do it—money to run. To survive. To stay alive.

  I’d been on Sel’Ani for a month now, and even though I was training, I wasn’t really doing anything. I wasn’t working.

  That was my problem. No wonder I felt so lost. I didn’t have anything to ground me. I needed a job. I had to find some purpose in my life before I faded away.

  I never thought I’d miss the days of working double shifts at the diner, but I missed it. And I missed teaching. I missed my students. I missed it more than I could say.

  I was homesick for a world that hated me.

  Damn it. This was pathetic.

  I made myself get off the bench. I ignored the few maids and guards who I passed on the way back to my room. Even though I was sleeping in Lorne’s room, I still lived out of my own room. Neither of us discussed me moving in with him, and honestly, I didn’t know what to do about it. Or even if I needed to do anything about it at all. My room was in a different wing than his suite, but it wasn’t like we had different places in the city. They were both in the same house.

  I just needed to shower and shrug off all this malaise that was messing with my head.

  And I did that. But then I turned on the news.

  I wanted to see what they were saying today. The day of the tournament, the news had been supportive of me. Lorne had been so happy, and honestly, I was warming up to the idea of my place here.

  Yesterday was bad. They’d done exactly what I thought they’d do—turned around my words, making me look like a lunatic at best and a traitor who needed to be thrown back in jail at worst.

  Today seemed to be more of the same. I paced in front of my vidscreens while I watched all the news channels, and I wasn’t sure why I was torturing myself.

  This was stupid. I needed to turn them off. I reached for the tablet to do exactly that and froze.

  One of the squares caught my eye. I remembered the woman speaking. She was one of the women fawning over Lorne at the party when I met the king.

  I scanned the captions, and my jaw dropped one. She was talking trash about me.

  ...only broke off our relationship when he heard that she was alive, but there’s no chance that he’ll stay with her.

  It switched to the interviewer. You think he’d break his contract?

  Switched back to her: She’s not worthy of him. The di Aetes and ni Taures are in agreement there. He’s waiting the proper three months, and then will be cancelling it. She can’t be queen. Ranting and raving like that? Causing a scene. She sounded like a lunatic.

  The woman laughed.

  The interviewer laughed.

  The screen flashed to the audience. All laughing.

  Laughing at me.

  My skin flashed bright. “Get iced, you bitch!”

  I snatched my tablet from my bedside table and pressed the button.

  The vidscreen went blank, and I tossed the tablet on the bed, not caring if I broke it.

  I checked my watch again.

  6:02. The halls would probably still be empty, and I was sure the gym would be, too. I closed the distance to the door with my Aunare speed and ran to the gym.

  And when I got to the gym, I didn’t stop running.

  I ran toward the climbing wall. Like my life depended on it. Like SpaceTech was chasing me. Like I was on the surface of Abaddon, trying to reach the bay before I burned to death. But none of that was true. Not anymore. Not for weeks. But still, I ran. Because in the middle of the night, it felt like everything was happening again, and not even Lorne could stop it.

  One. Two. Three.

  Left. Right. Left.

  The phantom sirens of my suit breaking hit my ears, and I knew I wasn’t moving fast enough. Not nearly fast enough if my past was catching up to me.

  I reached the climbing wall of the gym, jumping up to reach my first grip. I moved up the wall as fast as I could, hitting the top and springing out hard with my legs, tucking my arms in with a twist.

  Slam. My feet hit the ground, and I didn’t pause, running back at the wall with every ounce of energy I had. I’d wring it all out until there was nothing left and then wring it some more before I’d call it done for the day.


  The phantom sirens were replaced with the sound of the woman on the news laughing at me. With the news anchors saying I was dangerous and worthless and unworthy—

  I shook my head, trying to clear my mind. It didn’t matter what they said. I was good. I was alive. I’d survived. I wouldn’t give them the power to mess with my head.

  I needed a calm mind so that I could figure out what my next step was going to be. Stay with Lorne even though his people hated me? That seemed terrible, but I’d said I would try. I was trying. I bared my soul to them, and they were ripping it to shreds on the news.

  But if I couldn’t stay? What would I do? Where would I go?

  So, I kept running and climbing and jumping and hoping for some kind of answer, but it wasn’t working.

  Nothing was working.

  Sleeping in his room wasn’t working. The stupid meditation Jesmesha had me do wasn’t working. Working out until I was wrung dry wasn’t working.

  At this point, I wasn’t sure if anything could help me figure out the answer.

  I hit the climbing wall again, and my heart was beating so hard in my chest that it felt too firm and tight and heavy. I’d lost count of how many times I’d climbed the wall. My body was exhausted from yesterday’s brutal workout and made worse with the sleepless night. And now—

  But I had to move. Move. Move.

  Faster. Faster. Faster.

  Until everything I had was focused on my body. On sticking the landing. On pushing myself beyond anything I’d experienced before.

  The answer would come to me in the quiet. I just had to reach it.

  The sounds faded, and my past and present went with it.

  All I could hear was the air rushing in and out of my lungs.

  My feet barely sounded on the floor as I pushed myself forward.

  And then it came.

  I climbed faster and then fell through the air.

  Finally. Finally. It was here.

  I landed and ran again.

  I kept moving, but the quiet was here.

  The blissful quiet. Finally.

  This was the only thing that worked.

  My mind was focused on keeping me upright and breathing and from slamming into the floor. There was no room for anything else. And in that quiet place, when my body and my mind were one, I found my freedom. The only freedom I’d ever known. Because even here—in my father’s palace on Sel’Ani so, so far away from Earth and SpaceTech—I was suffocating.

  Two more flips and my legs were burning, but I didn’t mind this kind of burn. I was alive. Healthy. Safe…as safe as I could be. And alone in the training room. So perfectly alone.

  I’d left the lights dim, but my skin was bright. I hadn’t found the control that Jesmesha talked about. I wasn’t sure how to grasp something that I wasn’t sure I understood.

  So, instead, I pushed—pushed—pushed. Faster. Faster. Faster. And I hoped that things would—

  “What the fuck are you doing?” Roan’s shout cut through my frantic state.

  My concentration crumbled, and I crashed to the ground. The floor gave a little, softening and sinking a foot to absorb the impact, but pain flared through my ankle. I grabbed it, trying to ease the pain away. I hadn’t felt anything pop or break, so I was sure I was fine. Fine, but stupid. I was so stupid to miss that landing.

  I rolled to my back and tried to hold on to my little slice of hard-won freedom, but I failed. I didn’t have any answers. I needed more time.

  “Damn it.”

  “How long have you been here?” The floor under me bounced a little with Roan’s footsteps.

  I could feel it firming up underneath me, but it would take a few minutes. I knew it was some sort of tech, but I honestly thought it was magical. I wasn’t sure how I’d survived on Earth without it.

  Roan nudged my side with his foot. “How long have you been here?”

  My breath was evening out, but I didn’t want to move to look at my wrist unit. “What time is it now?”

  “Eight. We were supposed to meet here at nine. We’d agreed on nine, right?”

  His hair was all over the place and his eyes were a little puffy and red from lack of sleep. We’d been working out until midnight last night.

  “Right. We did, but I couldn’t sleep.”

  “That was quite the fall.” Roan sat down beside me. “Are you hurt?”

  “No.” I was fine.

  “Did you sleep at all?” He sounded like he was getting annoyed with me.

  “Not really.” I muttered the words.

  “I thought it was better with Lorne. Did you kick him out or something? Am, you can’t go around picking fights—”

  “I didn’t pick a fight!” I wished it was that easy. “He was there with me all night. Even braided my hair after I puked my guts up the second time.”

  “Shit. Did you eat anything after?”

  “I was scared to try.”

  “What’s going on with you? We tried to have fun, and it seems like we made it worse. What’s wrong? How can we fix it?”

  “I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. “I feel like I bared my soul to the Aunare out there, and I watched the news today—” Roan hissed, but I kept talking. “Have you seen what they’re saying? Did you watch it before you came in here?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

  Then he knew. “They hate me, Roan. It’s not going to change, no matter how much Lorne wants it to. I can’t be with him, and if I can’t be with him—” My voice broke. “I need water.” I sat up slowly, but the room was spinning around me. I didn’t trust myself to get up yet. So, I waited.

  When the room finally stopped spinning, I stood. My legs were so tired that they felt like they were made of gelatin, but I managed to walk the hundred feet to the wall where my gym bag permanently resided. I slid down, sitting next to it with my legs out, and rolled my ankle a few times without any pain, which was good. No damage done. The springy floors were my savior.

  Roan watched me quietly as I grabbed my water and drank slowly.

  “Do you have food in the bag?”

  “Nah.” I took another drink of water. “I was going to head to the kitchens when I was done, and I guess I’m done.”

  “We could go to the dining room.”

  I made a face. “I never know who’s going to be visiting the estate, and if my mom’s in there, she’ll nag over what I’m eating.”

  “That’s because you’re not eating enough protein for how much you’re working out. You’re looking thinner than when you got here, and you were already too thin. Abaddon wasn’t good to you in a lot of ways.”

  “Abaddon was the worst.” One day maybe I could think back on it and not feel so many layers of anger about it, but not today. “I need a job.”

  “Oh! Guess what?”

  “You got a job for me?” I laid the sarcasm on as thick as I could.

  He laughed. “Sort of. As your new assistant, I can fill your day with all kinds of things. I’ve got a list.”

  That so wasn’t fucking happening. Not today. I was way too tired to deal with people. “No to everything.”

  “Oh come on!” Roan strode to me. “You’re going to get me fired if you just say no to everything without even hearing what they are first.”

  I stood. My legs were still shaky but holding me up. “You’re not going to get fired because I’m the one who would have to fire you, and I’m not doing that.”

  “Well, you said you wanted a job, and man—being betrothed to Lorne is going to be a massive pain in your ass. I’ve got invitations that could have you running around all over the universe.” He threw an arm over my shoulder and started pulling me toward the door. “The universe, Am. Like for real.”

  “But invitations to do what?”

  “Parties for—”

  “No. No way. No parties. Anyone need some asses kicked? That I could do. I need to live a real life again, instead of playing at princess. I was never a princess.”
/>   “Not the girl I know, no. But you never know until you give it a shot, right?”

  I gave him an are-you-fucking-serious look.

  He cracked up, and I shoved him away from me.

  “Seriously, though. What am I—”

  A loud booooom hit the house. The walls shook, and the floor softened for a second before it firmed up again.

  And then it was quiet. Too quiet. A false quiet. The one that comes right before the panic.

  I knew that sound.

  And I knew it meant that I should be running. I should be moving. I should be freaking out, but I was frozen.

  I couldn’t do this again.

  Not again.

  Roan looked as wide-eyed and panicked as I felt. “What the fuck was that?” His voice was too airy with shock.

  It couldn’t be what I thought it was.

  It just couldn’t.

  No. It had to be something else. “Does Sel’Ani have earthquakes?” I tried to think back on my lessons with Declan, but he’d only talked about war-related stuff. Nothing about weather. For all I knew, Ta’shena could be in Sel’Ani’s tornado alley.

  Roan gripped my shoulders painfully tight. His green eyes looked a little glassy, and I knew he was freaking out as much as I was. “That wasn’t an earthquake. That was a—”

  I didn’t want to hear the rest of that. “If it was, then Eshrin would be—”

  The door to the gym slammed open. “We’re moving!” Eshrin’s skin was glowing and his fao’ana were bright and flickering. “Right now!”

  I grabbed Roan’s arm and started running. My fao’ana flickered, and I knew that I was about to face a fight.

  Damn it. I should’ve enjoyed the peace while I had it. I shouldn’t have picked at everything.

  It was starting all over again.

  I was back to where I began.

  Because I knew that sound.

  That was one memory that hadn’t been stolen from me.

  Someone had bombed my house again.

  Chapter Nineteen

  LORNE

  I was trying to stay calm, but the sound of the explosion was still echoing in my head.