I ate my toast and drank my tea in the lounge room. I needed to rest my head until the painkillers kicked in. Despite the repercussions this morning, I had a great time last night.
I remembered Natalie and Jasmine taking selfies with each other and crying with drunken laughter as they looked back through them. That was what I should be indulging in—silly, meaningless fun. Tingling had started in my scalp and spread down my arms as I watched them because it dawned on me that I was able to. I had done what I needed to do to remove myself from the life that stifled me and could now move towards a life of my choosing. Of fun. Freedom.
Then I went a little wild on the cocktails trying to bring the point home and …
I rubbed my hands over my face.
Oh no.
I spewed.
In front of Bear.
Memories cascaded in. Of the walk along the beach. His patience as he held my hair for me. Waiting for me while I showered just to make sure I didn’t hurt myself.
But something else sat below my queasiness and gratitude. A heaviness in my belly. The thought crept up and when it found me it struck like a hammer—Bear was leaving Mercy Island for good.
It pained me, deep in my heart. And that alone scared the hell out of me. I wouldn’t survive if I was hurt again.
I picked up my phone and wrote a message to Bear.
Me: Good morning. Thank u for your patience with me last night.
Bear: Good morning. No worries. How r u feeling?
Me: Worse for wear. But better than I was last night.
Bear: Do u know the best cure for a hangover?
Me: …? Please tell.
Bear: Surfing. I’m about to show a class of 20 strangers how to. I’d enjoy familiar company.
Me: Sorry. I’ll have to pass.
Bear: U could show off your sexy new pink board;)
Me: Lol. I’m sure everyone would be jealous, but not sure I can walk without my head splitting in two. I might do some writing instead. Less energy needed.
Bear: I’ll see u Monday then, piker.
Me: Yes. I’ll be recovered by then.
Bear: Bye, Miss Editor
Me: Bye, Bear.
Bear: And yes. That is my real name.
I giggled to myself. My heart was warm and my mind muzzy. Yes, there were urges—primal twinges that couldn’t be ignored. Just talking to him, or being in his presence, had my blood pumping and sensitive areas tingling. But physical attraction was inevitable with someone like Bear. It wasn’t the be all and end all.
The point was—he was leaving. And that alone put up a big red flag.
The paracetamol had helped ease the pain in my head somewhat. I made another cup of tea and brought my computer with me onto the lounge, placing it on my lap. There was no use pining over a situation I had no control over. Yes, he was a fantastic guy that I would have someday liked to have gotten to know intimately. Perhaps. But circumstances were what they were.
So why didn’t I believe my justifications?
I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, then opened my laptop. This book was going to be a fantastic distraction. And I was on a mission now, to not only live out my own bucket list, but to finish Gran’s as well. This was a way I could make it up to her for the long years of absence. To repay her for her generosity, gifting me her house, giving me a place to start over. Gran would never know what I was doing, fixing a relationship she yearned to mend herself while alive, but it felt like the right thing to do.
Chapter 2
Time didn’t heal wounds. Not always. Sometimes it worked at accumulating pain until it was a solid mass in your veins. Life could be a distraction from this process—motherhood especially. Children took much care, consumed and filled time and thoughts.
Jocelyn didn’t know her heart had morphed from hot beating muscle to immoveable ice until her daughter shifted out of the family home to attend university in another state. While distracted in homework, sporting runs and school plays, she could deny that her husband’s late nights at work or at the pub with mates were actually moments exploring the slopes of another woman’s body, inside and out. Many other women.
And, while Jocelyn was involved in school P & Cs, sleepovers and birthday parties, she could convince herself that when she looked at her husband’s cheating, lying face, she wasn’t feeling disgust, resentment or, in the end, hatred. Jocelyn loved her daughter above all else, so she played the doting mother and wife and hid her husband’s indiscretions from sight. Her daughter deserved to love and be loved by her father. She deserved the well-roundedness and stability of a happy family. To Jocelyn, that was important, and her decision to carry out the charade was justified.
But, by the time Jocelyn realised she had made a mistake, it was too late. And by January 1 2006, her selflessness would have cost Jocelyn her own relationship with her daughter …
Chapter 26
Bear
Natalie’s fish and chip shop was busy today. Usually was on Sundays. Especially when the hot temperatures brought locals and tourists to the beach in droves. Well, perhaps not droves. With a population of three thousand, Mercy Island didn’t do anything in droves.
Bec and I sat outside under a big umbrella that kept the sting of the sun off us. We had battered fish and chips spread out before us on big pieces of butcher’s paper.
Rebecca dipped a chip into tomato sauce and sighed. ‘I’m going to miss Nat’s fish and ship shop.’
I laughed, but felt a pang of despair in my heart. I was going to miss Bec. ‘I’m sure there’ll be plenty of fish and chip shops in Townsville.’
She frowned. ‘I’m excited and I’m scared. What if I don’t like it?’
My stomach clenched. It always amazed me how my body reacted to her pain, distress or anxiety. ‘You’ll give it your best shot. And if you hate it so much you can’t bear it, then I guess you come home and we’ll go to plan B.’
She laughed, but it was strained. ‘There is no plan B.’
‘No. There’s not. Because we don’t need it. You’re going to love it in Townsville.’
‘I think I’m scared about the workload. If I’m smart enough.’
‘I believe in you, Bec. You’ve come this far. You’re not going to screw it up now.’
She lowered her gaze. ‘I don’t want to disappoint you.’
I reached across the table and tugged on her long plait. ‘You’ll never disappoint me. Do you hear me?’
She nodded.
‘I mean it. Never. No matter what happens.’
Again she nodded, popped a chip in her mouth.
I straightened in my chair and painted a smile on my face. I needed to appear confident despite the emotions sitting below the surface. My foot wanted to tap against the floor to dispel some of the nervous energy rushing through my body. Yet, at the same time, I was abuzz with excitement as well as sad.
I was going to miss my baby sister. I’d barely spent a night apart from her since she was born. But it was her time to step out into the world and make of it what she could. And I meant what I said: I did believe in her.
‘Thank you,’ she said, her voice weak.
I raised my eyes, shocked by the change in her tone. ‘It was all your hard work.’
She shook her head, tears welling.
My throat grew thick and my chest ached.
‘No, Bear. Thank you for always being here for me …’ She took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her cheeks. ‘Without you … I don’t even know what would’ve happened.’
I swallowed hard. ‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
She leant over the table with watery, red eyes. ‘Do you mean that, Bear? I always feel as though I got in the way of everything. A … a burden, you know?’
I shook my head hard. ‘No way. No way. Don’t you dare think like that.’
‘You mean it?’
‘Of course I bloody do.’
She nodded. Leant back against her seat again and sighed.
‘You promise?’
I looked at her blue eyes. They were just like Mum’s. ‘I promise.’
I broke off a piece of fish and chewed on it, but I wasn’t registering the taste. I was lost to memories. I was five or six. Rebecca was in her cot screaming. We shared a room. She had been crying since the sun broke through the curtains. She woke me from my sleep, but I knew if I pretended I was still asleep and let her cry for a while, she sometimes went back to sleep. And I was so tired, my body ached. Mum had a party last night and Rebecca kept waking up. I didn’t blame her—they were so noisy with music and banging. Yelling.
But Rebecca kept crying. I lunged out of bed and walked over to her cot. She held her arms up, still crying, snot and tears dribbling down her face. She wanted out.
I ran up the hall and into Mum’s room. It smelled like it did after a noisy night—sickly sweet. I hated that scent. I baulked as I saw the strange man next to her. His chest was covered in black, curly hair and he was snoring.
I touched Mum’s shoulder. ‘Bec’s awake.’
Mum stirred. ‘Piss off, Bear.’
Rebecca’s crying was loud in the background. It made my heart race. My stomach squirm.
I touched her shoulder again. ‘Mum. Bec needs her bottle.’
She dragged an eyelid open, revealing one bloodshot eye. Her hand bolted out and slapped me hard on the cheek. My head flew to the side and I nearly stumbled to the floor but caught myself on the door handle.
‘I said piss off.’
Pain came first. A stinging that morphed to a dull ache. Then the tears followed. I walked out of the room, being sure not to cry too loudly and shut the door behind me. I pressed my hand to my cheek and cried in earnest then, sobbing and snorting.
It wasn’t the first time she had hit me. And she’d done more before than a slap in the face. But it hurt and still shocked me.
Bec was screaming now, long moments without breath between cries. I hated that sound. How it made me feel. I walked faster to the kitchen. A bottle was on the bench, caked with sour smelling milk. I grabbed the bottle brush, poured on a drop of dishwashing liquid, just like Mum showed me how, and scrubbed the bottle. Then, on tiptoes, I washed it under the water and put it on the bench while I grabbed the milk from the fridge.
I sniffed the carton. I’d learned that a bad smell meant a bad taste and then an afternoon on the toilet with runny poo. I didn’t want Bec to have runny poo. I put the bottle on the ground, I couldn’t pour it properly on the high bench, and filled it with milk, spilling a little on the linoleum.
When the teat was secured, and the milk bottle back in the fridge, I ran back up to the bedroom. Bec’s face was red, her throat sounded raw. I lifted my arms up to her and she clasped her little arms around me and let me drag her over the railing until her feet swung down. Her cloth nappy was soaked and wet my pyjamas. It would stink later. I handed her the bottle and she threw it into her mouth, sucking hard at the teat, making little choking sounds every now and then.
I laid her on the ground and unclasped the nappy pins. There was a dry nappy under her change table. One. I lifted her legs and pulled the nappy under her. She was so heavy for me now. Was nearly one year old. Her birthday was next Friday.
I wrapped the nappy and tied it with the pins. It took me a while to do that part. I was so scared of sticking her with them. I did once and Mum had smacked my arse until it came out in big bruises and I couldn’t sit down at school the next day, or the next.
Bec watched me the whole time with her beautiful blue eyes. I loved how she looked at me like that. It made me smile and forget about the pain in my cheek. And when I smiled, she would too, stopping briefly on the teat, the bubbles noisy as air was drawn back into the bottle, her little lips curling.
With her nappy all tied, she got to her knees and crawled to me. She rested her head on my lap, and I smoothed the hair from her face as she drank the remaining milk. I would grin at her and she would smile back at me. I didn’t want her to feel like I did. I wanted her to know that there was someone here for her. Someone who would treat her nice. Never hit her. Protect her. Love her.
I barely swallowed my piece of fish, my throat was so tight. Tears welled, but I blinked them back. Rebecca caught them, though. She leant over the table and placed her hand on mine. She didn’t have to say anything. We’d been here before. An unspoken understanding.
Rebecca moving up north to complete a four year degree and me moving away soon after was monumental in both our lives.
We finished our fish and chips, the atmosphere now sombre. I didn’t want it to be this way, but what more could I expect. Yes, it was exciting, amazing and the start of her life and, in a way, the start of mine, but we were saying goodbye. We’d never said goodbye.
I smiled at Rebecca as she stood beside me at the cash register, while Nat’s young employee ran my payment through.
‘So let me guess,’ she said as I shoved my card back in my wallet and pressed it into my back pocket. ‘You’re going to go for a surf now.’
I smiled sheepishly. ‘You know me too well.’ I bumped her shoulder as we headed for the doors. ‘You can join me if you like. Get some ocean time in before you have to leave.’
‘There’s plenty of beaches in Townsville.’
I laughed. ‘Yes, but crocs swim up there.’
She shuddered and I laughed louder.
That’s when I saw her. The girl outside, tying her little Aussie Shepherd to a pole.
Hannah.
Dressed in a pink bikini top threaded with stitched flowers and a pair of short denim shorts.
I stopped in my tracks and stared, waiting for her to lift her gaze and notice I was here. I didn’t realise I’d stopped walking until Rebecca touched the side of my mouth.
‘Do you need me to wipe that drool away?’
I swiped her hand, grinning. ‘Knock it off.’
Her eyes widened and she grinned. ‘Is this the girl you’ve been texting?’
I didn’t answer because Hannah was marching into the shop. She spotted me. A glorious wide smile spread across her face and I felt dizzy.
‘Bear,’ she said. ‘Fancy seeing you here.’
‘I thought you were “worse for wear”?’
She tried to frown, but her smile was too strong. ‘That’s why I’m here. For a big hamburger.’
Her hair was wet and dripping water down her arms. Her bikini was wet too, on closer inspection. ‘You’ve been for a swim?’
She sighed. ‘I needed to wake myself up. And this heat …’
Rebecca tugged on my sleeve. I looked at her.
‘Oh. I’m being rude. I’m sorry, Hannah, this is my sister, Rebecca.’
Hannah nodded. ‘Nice to meet you.’
‘You too.’
‘So Bear’s renovating Jocey’s place for you?’ asked Rebecca.
Hannah nodded. ‘Yep.’
‘It’s Hannah’s house now,’ I said.
‘I always felt like that house was haunted,’ said Rebecca.
Hannah’s eyebrows arched high.
‘Rebecca,’ I said. ‘You can’t say things like that.’
She shrugged and grinned. ‘I know it’s not haunted. I just always thought it when I was a kid. I’d have to ride past there on my way to the beach and I’d peddle really fast.’
‘You’ll have to excuse my sister.’
Hannah waved my apology away and laughed. ‘That’s fine.’
‘She’s heading off to uni in a week, so we’re trying to spend a bit of time together while we still can.’
‘Oh. I … don’t mean to intrude.’
‘No. Not at all. We just had some lunch. Rebecca’s heading home and I’m going for a surf.’
‘I would never’ve guessed.’
‘I know. He’s totally predictable,’ agreed Rebecca.
‘So what’re you studying?’ asked Hannah.
‘Physiotherapy.’
‘Ooh, fantastic. Are you going to be studying in
Brisbane too?’
My stomach sunk with her words.
‘No. Townsville.’
‘Very nice. Hot though.’
Rebecca nodded. ‘That I’m not looking forward to. And the size of the town. It’ll be a bit of a culture shock.’
Hannah glanced at me then back to Rebecca. ‘I know all about that. But I’m sure you’ll get used to it in no time.’
Rebecca smiled. ‘Um, well, I’m going to head off home. I need to start packing.’
I nodded. ‘Okay. I’ll see you later this arvo.’
‘Good to meet you, Hannah,’ she said, grinning.
‘Yes, you too.’
Bec strode out the door, turning to me and making kissy-hand gestures as she left.
I bit back a laugh. She was a rat bag.
‘Wow. Your sister is gorgeous. The boys are going to think their prayers have been answered when she turns up on campus.’
My heart thudded in my chest; my mouth was dry. ‘I can’t even think about that.’
Hannah laughed. ‘Over-protective big brother, aren’t you?’
‘You could say that.’
‘I’m sure she’ll handle it fine.’
I nodded and hoped like hell that she would. Hannah pressed her hands to her hips. ‘So how was your surfing class this morning?’
‘Great. Had some mad-keen tourists giving it their best.’
‘Excellent.’
My focus fell to her breasts snuggling against that pink fabric. Her nipples were hard and I was too.
I rubbed my hands over my face. She was blushing. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m … argh. No doubt I’m a visual creature. But I was rude. I apologise.’
‘It’s okay.’
‘It’s just that you—’ I gestured at her breasts and quickly lowered my hand. My god. I was like an awkward teenager, ‘—look really sexy in that bikini.’ Oh shit. Did I seriously just blurt that out?
She flushed even brighter, the colour reaching her collarbones. ‘Thank you. I’m … not used to wearing one. So it’s nice to know I’m not offending anyone.’
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