I was sobbing by the time I’d finished that page. It was as though she was speaking to me. I could hear her voice, strong and emphatic. ‘Don’t live, Hannah, like you have endless tomorrows. No one does.’
I opened my laptop and wrote and wrote and wrote, until the sun set and rose again. And when the orange and pink bled across the sky, tingeing the clouds with magnificent colour, I looked out my window and cried. Not because I was sad, but because I was blessed to see another day.
Chapter 48
Bear
The sky was streaked with crimson and gold, the clouds plump with colour. It distracted me from the waves, and I found it hard not to sit on my board and stare up at it. This time of the morning was mine. This town was mine. Mercy Island was an amazing place to live. And, in a way, I had Hannah to thank for making me remember that.
She had this way of looking at this town with her fresh focus, and reminding me of all that it was, rather than what I was making it out to be. For her, Mercy Island was a place of refuge and healing. A place of beauty. And, alongside her, it became that for me too. But, on top of that, she didn’t know all of my past, and I was able to simply be the man I had become, rather than a version of the boy I’d left behind. There was such freedom in that—every word and action untethered to the past.
Bayden was right, sometimes when you live somewhere your whole life, you stop seeing all the good things about the place. Hannah opened my perceptions again. My chest tightened. My limbs ached. I missed her so much it hurt to think about her.
I surfed for an hour or so, until too many other surfers arrived. I preferred the tranquillity the early morning provided. Board under my arm, I headed to the showers and washed down.
I turned off the taps and saw Hannah heading down the boarded path with Penny on a leash beside her. Gorgeous. She was wearing short denim shorts and her bikini top. Penny tugged as she saw me and drew Hannah’s attention.
Her blue gaze met mine and she smiled. I smiled back. Used to this distant politeness we offered each other now. I expected her to walk straight past, but she didn’t. She stopped.
‘Hi, Bear,’ she said. Her eyes were red and a little swollen, but there was jittery excitement within them.
‘Hi.’ I looked at my watch. ‘You’re early this morning.’
‘Or late. Whichever way you want to look at it. I haven’t been to sleep yet.’
My stomach churned. ‘Why’s that?’
She grinned wide. ‘I finished my book. I wrote all night long until the very last line was finished.’
Her joy was contagious and I was relieved. I wanted to take her in my arms and spin her, but I didn’t. Couldn’t. ‘Wow, Hannah. That’s incredible. Congratulations.’
Still smiling. ‘Thank you. Of course, I’ve got to edit it all and do some rewriting, but the shell is there.’
‘That’s fantastic.’
She looked downwards and wiggled her big toe in the sand between the timber boards that formed a path down to the beach. ‘I’m sorry we haven’t seen each other much lately.’
‘We’ve both been busy.’ It was bullshit. I was never so busy that I couldn’t make time for Hannah. But this is what we were now—each word an acceptable lie.
‘Did you, um, want to grab a coffee with me?’
I shouldn’t. ‘Sure.’
She smiled genuinely and my throat tightened. She was so damn beautiful, sweet and kind, it made me sad that we couldn’t have taken a chance on what we had.
I crouched in front of Penny and patted her under the chin. ‘Good morning, gorgeous. You’ve grown, haven’t you?’ Penny panted and wagged her tail as though her life depended on it.
I stood back up and grabbed my board. ‘I’ll just tie this to the ute. I can meet you over there if you like?’
She shook her head and smiled. ‘That’s okay. I’ll come with you.’
We were silent as we made our way to the car. I was lost in thought, wondering what I should say, could say, to make it better between us. ‘Hannah, I need to apologise for everything.’ She looked up at me, and I hated myself for ever putting her in that position where she could be hurt again. Especially after everything she went through with Allister. ‘I never meant to hurt you. At all. The opposite. I love spending time with you. But, it all moved so quickly …’
She shook her head and laid a hand on my arm. My skin burned to feel her touch. My breathing grew shallow.
‘Bear, you don’t need to apologise. I was a willing participant. I just had to stop it before it got away from us. Before it would be too hard to say goodbye.’
I rubbed my hands over my face. ‘I was such a bloody Neanderthal. I should have thought about your feelings more.’
She laughed. ‘You didn’t behave like a Neanderthal, Bear.’
I smiled. Glad it was out in the open. The number of times over the last month I’d nearly called her to say all that to her. To apologise a thousand times.
‘Come on,’ she said. ‘Let’s go grab a coffee, or I’m at risk of falling asleep.’
Hannah tied Penny to the pole out the front of the café. Penny laid down and watched the people stroll past on their early morning walks.
We took a seat inside, the only customers apart from a table of four cyclists. The waitress took our orders for coffee, and bacon and eggs.
Hannah shifted in her seat. ‘I was talking to Nat last weekend.’
‘Yeah?’
‘She told me Bec was still struggling at uni.’
My stomach tightened. My heart felt heavy. It did every time I thought about Bec. ‘She wants to come home. I told her to try and last the next couple of weeks and if she can’t tolerate it any more, I’ll go pick her up.’
‘Poor thing. What’s she having trouble with?’
‘She misses me. And Mercy Island. She just can’t get comfortable there. The course is tough. Very competitive. It’s not in Bec’s nature. She’s too laid back.’
Hannah laughed. ‘Sounds like her big brother.’
I nodded. She was right.
‘So what does that mean for you, Bear? Does it change your plans?’
I looked away and sighed. ‘Um, yeah. I’d kind of already made up my mind. I think it would be silly not to take Johnno up on his offer. And leave the life I’ve made for myself here.’
She reached over the table and placed her hand on mine. ‘I’m sorry. I know how much it meant for you to get away from here and to improve your circumstances.’
I nodded stupidly, despite my guts churning and heart vibrating with the need to tell her the opposite. Funny how you can lie to yourself and believe your own untruths, despite the reality brimming beneath the self-talk. As though telling yourself to shut up and not think a certain way was enough to make you believe the bullshit.
Did I ever truly want to leave Mercy Island? Could I have ever walked away, when it came to the crunch, from this magnificent ocean, my friends, my job, and this gorgeous woman sitting in front of me? I knew then, deep down, I couldn’t.
How much I wanted to tell her all that. To take things back to the way they were between us. And hell, if I didn’t want Hannah more now than I ever did. If she knew I wouldn’t leave her, perhaps a relationship could have organically grown. She could have trusted me and what I would have offered her. Trust that I would never hurt her, or leave her. We could have taken things slow.
But, I’d done things the wrong way. The hard way. And now Hannah was convinced she needed time. And, I understood that. It would be great for her to stand on her own, confident with her own identity. So I wouldn’t pressure her. I’d just sit in the background and wait if she ever did decide she wanted to start falling in love with me again.
Chapter 49
Hannah
As I sat across from Bear, all I kept thinking about was Gran’s words. Don’t live like you have endless tomorrows. No one does. But I had been doing the exact opposite. I had something so wonderful with Bear and I was putting time between us. Why? Because of some un
stated rule that I shouldn’t jump into another relationship. But what if that relationship was so right? Looking back, I could see that Bear was helping me find myself. He was helping me find my confidence again. He was bringing the woman, I deep down had always been, out into the open and accepting her.
Why couldn’t I see that? I wasn’t running from one bad relationship to another. My life was moving forward. I was moving towards happiness. Something better. I wasn’t repeating the same mistake I had made with Allister, but shifting towards something, someone, I deserved. Bear was amazing. Everything I had ever wanted and, like I’d been doing for many years now, I pushed him away because I thought he was too good for me. That I didn’t deserve to feel what I was feeling. Joy. Love? And because I was scared.
No doubt about it, Allister’s chains were wrapped tightly around me. I think now, though, I’d found the key. But was I ready to unshackle myself? If I were to look down, the chasm was still there, standing between me and Bear. Before and after. Stagnation and change. Was change still the most terrifying option? Or was my current situation—a life without Bear in it, a life where Allister still controlled my emotions and my decisions—more tolerable?
The waitress placed our coffees on the table and floated away.
‘Can I email you my book, Bear?’
He nodded emphatically. ‘Yeah. I’d love to read it.’
If anything, I’d hope he’d get the same wisdom I’d gained from Gran and that he’d use it to make the best possible decision for him. He deserved all that was good and I wished that for him.
I smiled. ‘Good. I’ll email it when I get home. Then I’m going to sleep for about three days I think.’
He laughed, but soon his smile fell away. ‘I miss you, Hannah.’
My heart squeezed as I nodded. ‘I miss you too.’
‘We can be friends, can’t we?’
Hearing the word friend jolted my heart. I didn’t want to be ‘just friends’ with Bear. I wanted more. I wanted my life to be linked with his, like my body had been when we made love. That was rightness. That was living. I opened my mouth to tell him this, but still the words wouldn’t come. ‘Yeah. We can be friends.’
My heart thudded hard as I sat up. I glanced around, unsure of what woke me. Then came three loud bangs on the front door. My stomach clenched, my pulse galloped. Allister.
I fumbled at my bedside lamp for the switch. Turned it on and reached for my phone. Another three loud knocks.
‘Hannah, it’s me.’
Bear.
A different anxiety swept across me. I rolled out of bed, my feet unsteady as they hit the floor. ‘I’m coming,’ I yelled as I hurried down the hall.
Through the darkness, I rushed to the front door and swung it open.
Bear was standing there, puffing, his elbow resting on the frame.
‘What’s the matter? What’s going on?’ I asked.
He stepped closer, took my waist and drew me into his arms. His lips crashed against mine, urgent, frantic almost. I resisted, body tensing to know what this was all about, but soon forgot about the commotion and could feel and think one thing—Bear. Hard. Warm. Bear. His lips on mine. His tongue seeking my tongue. Taking. Taking. All of me. Felt so good. I sighed and he drew me closer, his hands splayed over my body.
He moved back and took my face in his hands. He looked at me through the shadows, his eyes intense. ‘This is what I want more than anything. You, Hannah, are who I want. I want you. Nothing else. Do you hear me? Nothing else. I know you need time, but I—’
I pressed my fingers to his lips to hush him. I shook my head. I needed silence. Time to think. This was it. The moment where I needed to choose between what I wanted and what was holding me back. I felt the chasm beneath my feet opening wide, its eerie shadows groping me, trying to pull me down into its dark mouth. I listened to Bear’s breathing and my own. The heat of his body warmed me. Bear was like the sun. He nourished me. Lit my way. Allister was a cold shadow. Fear was even colder. Stagnation was the iciest still.
I knew then that there was no turning back. The decision was made. And it was the right one. Not because I was certain of the future, or knew if I’d avoid heartbreak, but because I chose to take another step towards life. Leaving Allister was the first step. Moving on with Bear was now another. Both were as big as the other. I peered into Bear’s caring eyes and whispered, ‘I don’t need time, Bear. That was … stupid. I need you to stay.’
He shook his head. ‘I’m not going anywhere. Never. As long as you’re here in Mercy Island, I’ll be here too.’
My breaths came faster as understanding crept over me, tingling my flesh. ‘You’re staying?’
One step closer, nodding.
‘What about your holiday?’
‘Fuck my holiday. I don’t care about it.’
‘But what about uni? Vet school?’
He shook his head. Another step closer. ‘Pretentious bullshit. I love being a carpenter. I’m going to buy Johnno out.’
‘What about—?’
‘I don’t care what question you are going to ask. Nothing but you matters to me. Nothing. Do you understand?’
I nodded slowly. ‘I think so. But you can’t be doing this for me. You’ll resent me. You can’t give it all up for me.’
He shook his head. ‘I never wanted to leave. You made me realise that.’ He held my face again. So close he was, I could feel his breath on my cheek, smell his salty, manly scent. ‘Hannah, I love you.’
My head was so light; my skin prickled. Did he just say that?
‘Did you hear me?’ he asked.
I nodded, catching my breath.
‘I love you, Hannah.’
My heart thumped, pulsing exhilaration through my veins and saturating my blood. I jumped up and he caught me in his arms. I smiled so wide, then giggled, unable to contain how happy Bear made me feel. How fantastic his words were to hear because I felt the same way.
He smiled at me and I kissed him hard. Against his lips, I whispered, ‘I love you too.’ And I did. I think I had since the moment he took my hand in his on the side of the road and blew gently on my grazed palm. He was so gentle and caring and sure of himself. As though he knew that right then all I needed was a gentle touch. That all I’d ever need was him.
Right from the beginning he saw all of me, even those pieces I thought were stolen away. He saw my strength, my wonder, my confidence. He recognised the woman I was, not what I thought I’d become. The pieces were there, a little misshapen, but always present. I had to realise that for myself and take the leap.
Bear kicked the door shut and carried me up the hall to my room. With my legs wrapped around him like this, I was already buzzing with need. His hard length pushing between my thighs fuelled the desire.
‘I need you right now or I’ll explode,’ he growled as we fell onto my soft mattress.
I giggled and whispered, ‘Neanderthal,’ just before his lips crashed against mine.
Chapter 50
Bear
There were few memorable moments in my life where I felt blessed. This morning was one of them. Waking with Hannah’s gorgeous body pressing to mine, filled me with warmth and true contentedness.
‘Good morning,’ I said as she stirred from her sleep.
She rolled to face me and smiled. ‘Good morning. You’re really here. I thought I might have dreamed you.’
I shook my head. ‘No. Not a dream.’
I peered into her sleepy blue eyes. It’s almost unbelievable that a single glance could have changed my life. And a dog. I owed Penny a thousand bones for tripping Hannah over, so I had an excuse to get out of my car and introduce myself. It was as though in that moment, I made a decision that would affect the rest of my life and no matter how much I resisted it, the decision was so big and profound that no amount of self-talk was going to stop what I created for my life in that split second. In that look.
I’d loved her since then. I knew it with all my being.
‘What changed?’ she asked.
‘I just finished your book. I couldn’t stop reading and as soon as I closed the last page, I knew I had to see you. I needed to tell you that I love you.’
She smiled, her eyes glossing. ‘Life’s too short to waste time on silly excuses.’
I nodded. ‘Yes. Too short to risk losing you. I’d heard that said before, a thousand times, but I never truly got it until I read that book. It was like you were speaking to me.’
She wiped a tear on her cheek. ‘In a way I was. I was speaking to anyone who needed it.’
‘I needed to hear it. I need you. Always, Hannah.’
‘No regrets?’
I shook my head hard. ‘Hell no. No regrets.’ I stilled then, a wash of tension working into my muscles. ‘There is something I need to tell you, though.’
Her eyebrows drew together. ‘What is it?’
I rolled onto my back and huffed. Staring up at the ceiling, I worked through the tightness in my throat. ‘I didn’t have a good childhood, Hannah. I told you about my mother, how she was an alcoholic. How she was abusive.’
‘Yes,’ she said softly, a slight questioning in her tone.
I was silent for a moment, gathering the right words to explain. ‘She used to beat me when I was quite young. Left bruises most of the time. Bruises I couldn’t hide. Neighbours would hear her screaming. Harsh, nasty names she’d call me.’
Hannah reached over and rubbed her hand over my arm. I looked at her out the corner of my eye, but didn’t move my head. I peered back at the ceiling, finding comfort in not having to see her expression as I spoke.
‘Then, that night, the one I told you about, when I fought back … Mercy Island is a small town, Hannah. People talk. Everyone here knows what I did. Knows the life I had. Saw the bruises. Read about my mum being hospitalised after yet another beating.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. Her words were raspy, constricted by grief and sympathy. But that wasn’t what this was about. No amount of tears or sorrow would change my past. I needed her to understand what she was getting into.
Pieces of Me Page 23