Her arms flew in the air before placing her palms down on her lap. “Okay, screw it. Let’s rehearse what I need to say to Lyra and then beg Weston for help. If this is recording, Weston, I’m so sorry I bothered you to help me with this.” She winked, and I cupped my hands to my heart. This video was everything I needed to see and more. God, she was so carefree, not at all like the women I’d seen in so many videos. “Things I want to say to Lyra. The first time you have sex, make sure you’re thirty-five and married or your father is going to kill you.” She paused and a huge grin flashed at the screen. “You better be married, missy.”
She pulled out a plain piece of paper and grabbed a pen. “Let’s start at the beginning, First kiss, then dating, makeup, shopping, period. Tampons versus pads. Gosh, I never thought I would have to do this. Then again, I never thought I would have a kid. Never thought I’d marry Weston. I never thought I'd be so afraid and yet so prepared to die. Sick and twisted, I know, but that's me. I swear I ramble when I’m nervous.” She stole a long breath and then glanced up at the screen. “I swear this thing is recording…”
She sat back on the chair and crossed her arms, her lips twisting as she stared up at the ceiling for a brief moment before looking back at the camera. “Okay, now let’s figure out what I want to say. Weston, I love you. I loved you even when I tried to hate you. That's how you know love is serious. I tried to stop you every step of the way, but you captured my soul. I hope that you find the videos that I’ve left for you. Each one of them is marked for a different time in your life. I don't want you to be alone, and I don't want you to grieve. I want the memory of me to be something to smile about. The love we share to be considered epic. The kind of love that I wish everyone could experience. An all-consuming, demanding love.”
My mother’s lips pressed together and wiped the corner of her at the same time I did and that only made me tear up more.
“Lyra, if this video is working and you get to see this one day, sweetheart, that's the kind of love you want to get. I know that your father and I weren’t married for a long time because the universe had other plans for us, but those few years that I had with your dad were so much more than I could have ever asked for. Don't settle for mediocre. Shoot for invisible love letters." My heart ached in my chest. I could almost feel her in my room right then, talking to me and giving me advice. Unrehearsed. This was my mother. This was how she was. I brushed the tears from my cheeks as she continued to speak. Her face was bright as a wide smile covered her face. “Don't be afraid of falling in love and having a family. Oh, sweetie, do not be afraid of having a family. Don't get me wrong, having you is by far the craziest thing I've ever done. The scariest thing I've ever done. Hopefully, you know by now that you were a boo-boo, or as I like to say, my little miracle. And though you may not want to get pregnant someday, given what happened to me, it doesn't mean that you can't have a family of your own. You can love a child that isn't yours. Think of Jeremy. Hopefully, when you watch this, he’ll still be in your life. I don't know how much you remember, but he was there the day you were born, and he loved you like you were his.”
Her gaze drifted down to her lap and she blinked back more tears as she glanced back up at the camera.
“I don't know how much time has passed. I don't know if you're watching this and I'm a day dead or fifty years into the future, but even if medicine is spectacular, don't tempt fate. I was petrified every second while I was pregnant with you. Who knows maybe you got your dads’ DNA. God, I hope you have your dads’ DNA. But in the event you don’t, there's adoption and surrogates.” My mother covered her face.
“Gosh, I'm rambling. This video just took a morbid twist. This sucks. I'm going to make these videos, and they’re all going to suck,” she huffed.
I sniffled and shook my head. "It doesn't suck, Mom. It's everything I needed." And I hope she knew it, I hope she was watching me as I was watching her, seeing how much my heart needed this video.
My finger tapped the mouse, pausing the video. There was still an hour left, but I wanted to savor this video. It was exactly what I needed at that moment and maybe there would be another day where I needed more.
I kissed my two fingers and placed them against the screen. “Thanks, Mom, for always being here for me even though you’re not physically here.” His brows lifted high. “Have I made myself clear?”
I screamed out in frustration. “You're so unfair!” I turned on my heel. “I don't care. I'm your father. I'm not supposed to be fair. I'm supposed to protect you. That’s what I promised your mother I would do.” Turning back to face him, I felt the anger boil in my blood. “You are so—gah!” I was acting like a child, but I didn't care. I purposely stomped my feet against the hardwood floors until I reached my room. With all my might, I slammed the door behind me, and the noise ricocheted through the house. I didn't want to end up like my mother. Afraid of having a child. Afraid you wouldn't be around to raise your child. Why would I wait for cancer to come and find me if I could just nip it in the bud now? I didn’t want to have children. I just wanted to live to see thirty. Feeling defeated, I marched over to my bed and curled up with my oversized pillow. The picture on the nightstand caught my attention. I saw my mother smiling up at me. It was the picture we’d taken at Disneyland when I was five years old. The wind had blown all the powder sugar from her funnel cake onto us. My mother looked stunning. She was so young, only a few years older than I was now when she lost her battle. I wasn't being selfish. I wasn't being childish. I loved my mother, and I wanted to be the kind of woman she was. She was smart, outgoing, carefree, and passionate. All qualities I admired. But I wanted something she didn’t have, and that was to live a long life. Hugging the picture, I laid back on the bed wishing she was here so I could have her guidance.. My fingers wrapped around the small frame as I let the memories of my mom invade my mind. An ache in my chest almost stole my breath away as I was reminded just how much I missed her. The videos she’d left me were the best gifts I could have asked for. She had made me a video for every possible scenario in my life. Well, not this one, of course. There were a few I still had yet to open. A few that were dated for my older self. And then it really sank in, if she wanted me to live to see them, it would make sense that I’d get the surgery. I sighed, and placed the picture of my mother back on the nightstand before my closet. I opened the door, knelt on the ground, and pulled the trundle that contained everything I cherished towards me. I palmed the top of it, my hands shaking from so much emotion coursing through me. I gripped the cold metal lock and flicked it open. Inside I was greeted with, photos, cards, letters, small trinkets, and all the videos she had spent her last few months making for me. My mother had given me all her wisdom, from how to do your makeup to what to do on a first date. This box housed her love and carried my happiness. Whenever I missed her, I would pop in a video, and she would appear, it was almost as if she were sitting in my room with me. The wonderful part was that each one had been labeled to make it easier to find. My eager fingers dug around until I found the USB that said “Just because” on it. It was a video of her dancing to all of her favorite songs. She believed that any time you were down, you could just shake it off. It was my go-to video. And there was no better time than now to watch it. Pulling it out of the box, I couldn’t help but notice the USB under it. The word “testing” was written across it. It was my mother looking into the camera repeating, “Testing,” a few times, so I’d never bothered to watch more than that. But for an unknown reason, something pulled at my heart in that moment, telling me to watch that video. I let go of the one in my hand and replaced it with the new one and headed over to my laptop. Connecting the USB to the adapter, the video screen appeared within seconds. My stomach did a little flip and nervously, I hit the play button. There she was, my beautiful mother sitting in her computer chair. It didn’t matter how many times I saw her on the screen it was always magical.
I watched as her face scrunched and then she said. “Hello, is t
his thing working? Testing? Testing? I seriously should have taken more computer classes in college.” She sighed, and the video paused. But unlike last time, I waited. My heart picked up speed as I did. And then as I was about to replace the USB with another one from the box, my mouth lifted in a smile because my gut was right. A new clip started. “I have no idea if this computer is even working. Come on, I have to get this done before Weston comes home with Lyra. Mother of pearl…” she muttered, and my eyes filled with tears. “It's like every year they come out with a new gadget, and I'm oblivious to it all. Testing? Testing?” She looked into the screen and laughed. A laugh that I wanted to hear on a daily basis. And as much as it killed me that I couldn’t, she was still here in her own way. And my cheeks began to ache from the grin that was plastered on my face. My mother shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I swear, Emilia, sometimes I really question how we’ve made it this far.” I couldn’t help but chuckle as she spoke to herself. I assumed she was clueless that the camera was still recording because she continued to talk. Her arms flew in the air before placing her palms down on her lap. “Okay, screw it. Let’s rehearse what I need to say to Lyra and then beg Weston for help. If this is recording, Weston, I’m so sorry I bothered you to help me with this.” She winked, and I cupped my hands to my heart. This video was everything I needed to see and more. God, she was so carefree, not at all like the women I’d seen in so many videos. “Things I want to say to Lyra. The first time you have sex, make sure you’re thirty-five and married or your father is going to kill you.” She paused and a huge grin flashed at the screen. “You better be married, missy.” She pulled out a plain piece of paper and grabbed a pen. “Let’s start at the beginning, First kiss, then dating, makeup, shopping, period. Tampons versus pads. Gosh, I never thought I would have to do this. Then again, I never thought I would have a kid. Never thought I’d marry Weston. I never thought I'd be so afraid and yet so prepared to die. Sick and twisted, I know, but that's me. I swear I ramble when I’m nervous.” She stole a long breath and then glanced up at the screen. “I swear this thing is recording…” She sat back on the chair and crossed her arms, her lips twisting as she stared up at the ceiling for a brief moment before looking back at the camera. “Okay, now let’s figure out what I want to say. Weston, I love you. I loved you even when I tried to hate you. That's how you know love is serious. I tried to stop you every step of the way, but you captured my soul. I hope that you find the videos that I’ve left for you. Each one of them is marked for a different time in your life. I don't want you to be alone, and I don't want you to grieve. I want the memory of me to be something to smile about. The love we share to be considered epic. The kind of love that I wish everyone could experience. An all-consuming, demanding love.” My mother’s lips pressed together and wiped the corner of her at the same time I did and that only made me tear up more.
“Lyra, if this video is working and you get to see this one day, sweetheart, that's the kind of love you want to get. I know that your father and I weren’t married for a long time because the universe had other plans for us, but those few years that I had with your dad were so much more than I could have ever asked for. Don't settle for mediocre. Shoot for invisible love letters." My heart ached in my chest. I could almost feel her in my room right then, talking to me and giving me advice. Unrehearsed. This was my mother. This was how she was. I brushed the tears from my cheeks as she continued to speak. Her face was bright as a wide smile covered her face. “Don't be afraid of falling in love and having a family. Oh, sweetie, do not be afraid of having a family. Don't get me wrong, having you is by far the craziest thing I've ever done. The scariest thing I've ever done. Hopefully, you know by now that you were a boo-boo, or as I like to say, my little miracle. And though you may not want to get pregnant someday, given what happened to me, it doesn't mean that you can't have a family of your own. You can love a child that isn't yours. Think of Jeremy. Hopefully, when you watch this, he’ll still be in your life. I don't know how much you remember, but he was there the day you were born, and he loved you like you were his.”
Her gaze drifted down to her lap and she blinked back more tears as she glanced back up at the camera.
“I don't know how much time has passed. I don't know if you're watching this and I'm a day dead or fifty years into the future, but even if medicine is spectacular, don't tempt fate. I was petrified every second while I was pregnant with you. Who knows maybe you got your dads’ DNA. God, I hope you have your dads’ DNA. But in the event you don’t, there's adoption and surrogates.” My mother covered her face.
“Gosh, I'm rambling. This video just took a morbid twist. This sucks. I'm going to make these videos, and they’re all going to suck,” she huffed.
I sniffled and shook my head. "It doesn't suck, Mom. It's everything I needed." And I hope she knew it, I hope she was watching me as I was watching her, seeing how much my heart needed this video.
My finger tapped the mouse, pausing the video. There was still an hour left, but I wanted to savor this video. It was exactly what I needed at that moment and maybe there would be another day where I needed more.
I kissed my two fingers and placed them against the screen. “Thanks, Mom, for always being here for me even though you’re not physically here.”
Epilogue
WESTON
Twenty years later.
You could smell the fresh cut grass in the air. The sun peeked through the branches, and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. The flowers Lyra had planted last fall had finally bloomed. Knowing that I could dirty my tuxedo, I threw caution to the wind and sat on top of Emilia's grave. My back rested on the granite headstone.
She had passed twenty years ago, and I still loved her very much, but coming here made it hard to move on and live my life like she had wanted me too. I'd always visit her on her birthday, on our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of her death, but today was a very special day. It was a day I knew she wanted to be a part of more than anything else.
Our little girl was getting married.
I leaned my head back, my hands running across the grass like I used to do to her skin. Closing my eyes, I envisioned her. Her long curly red hair, her soft milky skin and the freckles she had on her shoulder.
"I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't visited you in a while." I nodded, remembering what her face looked like, her dark brown eyes that looked deep into my soul, her tiny button nose and how soft her lips were when I kissed them. "Lyra’s getting married today. She found herself a really nice guy, Mason Robinson.” I paused. “He comes from a good family, he has his head on straight, and he treats her like a queen."
I smiled as I remembered the day Mason came to my office to ask for Lyra's hand in marriage. My music career had stopped after I'd become a single father, but I’d opened my own recording label. It was how I kept my passion going. I would never stop creating music because, like Emilia had said, my music lived inside of me, and I could never let it go, just like I could never let her go.
“Mason was so nervous when he asked for her hand in marriage. When he first asked, I immediately said no in my head. She was my baby girl, and there was no man good enough for her. But as Mason continued with his spiel, I realized that the way he talked about Lyra reminded me of how I felt about you. I think you would really like him.”
Lyra had followed her heritage, deciding to study at the University of Edinburg where she majored in music. Mason met Lyra in a study group when he was a senior and she was a freshman. When she returned home after she graduated to work with a music executive in Los Angeles, he’d followed her.
"I think you'd approve. She's really happy when she’s with him." I tugged on the grass. "You didn’t leave me a video on what to do today. I need to know what to say to her and what to do when I know she is missing you. I found the envelope and the bracelet that had been sitting on top of the box you kept your wedding dress in, but you didn’t leave anything for me. Em, what do I say to her? I kno
w how much she wants you here." I closed my eyes and felt my skin warm from the sun.
"I hope I made you proud. She truly is a beautiful young lady. She has your smile. Actually, she looks so much like you, Em. She really is a younger version of you. Even her stubbornness is yours." I paused and cleared my throat. “I wish you were here. I love you. I will always love you.”
I ran my hand over the grass and started to draw. My yellow gel.
Leaving Emilia’s grave with an invisible love letter etched to the ground, I walked over to my car. Grace, my wife, sat inside my car waiting for me. When Lyra insisted that I get back out there, I’d decided to give dating another go, and we met through mutual friends. We had been married for the past five–years. She understood that I had lost my one great love because she lost her true love as well. We balanced one another, and we loved each other very much.
But she would never be my yellow gel.
I carried the small box Emilia had left along with an envelope for Lyra. Today was harder for me than most days because not only was my little girl getting married, but I desperately missed her mother.
I gently tapped on the bridal suite door and opened it. Her maid of honor, Ava, pulled the door back and gave me a kind smile. She and Lyra had met in grade school and remained friends throughout the years. “Mr. Carter,” she greeted me with a hug. “She's all ready and waiting for you.”
“Thank you.” I cleared my throat. “Do you think you could give us a minute, Ava?” Ava nodded and shut the door behind her.
Lyra stood in front of a full–length mirror, her nervous hands slid up and down her white dress. “You look breathtaking,” I said, walking up behind her. “Like a real life princess.”
Love Letter Duet: The Encore Edition Page 52