by Toni Aleo
He laughs. “No, Mom.”
That only makes my heart hurt more. “Maybe I should tell him not to come.”
“No point. He’ll come anyway, and Mom doesn’t care. Really. But listen, I’m walking into practice. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Cool. I really am sorry, and I love you.”
I can hear the grin in his voice. “Yeah, you’re lucky I still love you too.”
“I am,” I say and he laughs before saying good-bye. Why don’t I feel better? Pulling my phone from my face, I see a message came through while I was on the phone.
Mom: Don’t beat yourself about your dad. I love you more than anything in this world, and I promise I’m not upset. He has nothing over me anymore. My main concern is you, your brothers, Lucy, Angie, and my daughters-in-law. I love you, don’t be upset.
I let out a long breath as I shake my head. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up, but I am. I should have told him he couldn’t come.
Me: I don’t deserve such a great mom like you.
Mom: I say the same thing about you and your brothers and sister. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have four beautiful children who bring me such joy, but I am. Trust and believe, my love, you deserve the best. So don’t you think at all about what is going on in the stands tomorrow. All you worry about is being the best. Because you are just that, the best damn player ever… Don’t tell your brothers I said that.
Me: Oh no, I am.
Mom: I can still take you over my knee.
Me: Lips are sealed.
Mom: Better. All right, I love you, Jace.
Me: I love you.
And while I’m sure that was supposed to make me feel better, it doesn’t.
I only feel worse.
Slipping my phone into my pocket, I start for the coffee shop, but I don’t get far before Markus is walking beside me.
“Ready to tell me what has you all icky?”
“Icky? I’m pretty sure men don’t use that word,” I say and he grins.
“I do, so stop changing the subject and tell me what’s going on.”
Shrugging, I know I can’t tell him about Avery, but I can tell him about my family. He’s basically a part of it. “I talked to Lucy yesterday, and she said she was gonna talk to my mom about my dad coming to the game tomorrow.”
Concern fills his features as his caramel eyes burn into mine. “Is she okay?”
Like I said, he’s pretty much family and loves my mom like I do. “Yeah, she said it isn’t about him, it’s about me. He has no hold on her.”
“That’s good,” Markus says with a nod. “So what’s wrong?”
“Well, Jude was mad and so was Jayden. But not because I invited him or, really, just told him when the game is. They’re mad that I’m setting myself up to get hurt.”
Crossing his arms, he looks at me. “I mean, he is a douche.”
“I know, but I haven’t taken anything from him since the first week of classes. He told me to quit my job, that he’d pay for anything I need, and I’m not going to do that. I don’t plan on telling him about any more games. I’m gonna distance myself.”
“Are you okay with that?”
I shrug, unsure. “I mean, I don’t know. I guess if I really wanted a relationship with him, I wouldn’t feel bad every time I get off the phone with him. It’s almost like I’m being fake with him just to get what I need, and I don’t like that. I’m not that person, you know?”
“Yeah, I agree.”
“So I’m gonna keep my distance.”
“Cool, I support this decision. But I’m gonna need you to let it go because we have a game tomorrow and we are winning, Sinclair.”
Grinning, I bump shoulders with him. “Got you, Reeves.”
“Okay, hit me up if you need anything. I’ve got class, and then I’m meeting Mekena for dinner.”
“Mekena?” I ask, waggling my brows at him, and he rolls his eyes.
“Dude, she’s hot. But really, let’s be honest. I’m a junior, she’s a freshman—it probably won’t last long. Unlike you and Avs.”
I like that he thinks Avery and I will last. I pray he’s right. But those marks are still screaming in my mind. Flashing at me, telling me something is wrong. Swallowing back the emotion in my throat, I nod. “For sure. I’ll holler.”
“See ya.”
As he veers off from me, I tuck my hands in my pockets to keep away the chill. While yesterday was a nice, hot day, today Old Man Winter has decided to make his debut. I doubt he’ll stay long, but jeez, it’s cold. As I walk, though, the weather doesn’t keep my attention for long, and soon Avery is back, front and center. As she always is. I usually have a plan for everything, but the fact that she has done anything and everything to keep me from seeing the marks on her thighs makes me believe it is a sore subject. One she isn’t going to tell me about freely.
As I turn around the Art building to get to the coffee shop, I can’t stop thinking about them. I’m remembering all the times she pulled down her shirt or used a blanket to hide behind. Or a pillow, or hell, even me. I mean, all the signs were there, and I never noticed them because I was too hung up on her. All she had to do was look at me, lock me in that gorgeous gaze of hers, and it was like a Mack truck had run me over. I can’t let her do that anymore. I have to know the truth, but it sucks because I know she isn’t going to tell me what happened willingly.
And that isn’t right.
Is it?
Shit.
This is supposed to be easy, great, even. But I’m stressing because I know this is going to put a wedge between us. She already had one hell of a wall put up between us, and I just ignored it. I took what she gave me and I fell. Hard. But now I want the part of her behind the wall, and it turns out it’s a huge fucking wall. Like Great Wall of China huge, and I’m unsure if I can get over that thing.
Not without her help.
And I don’t see her lending a hand.
Walking down the strip, I feel like so much is sitting on my chest. I’m nervous how tomorrow is going to go with my whole family under one roof. I’m worried about Avery and our relationship, and then there’s the fact I have interviews coming up. I’m usually not too concerned with them since I’m amazing and everyone loves me, but they are my future. Plus, everyone is razzing me about breaking my record from last year. That shouldn’t worry me, but what if I don’t? What if I’m declining at nineteen years old? I don’t feel like I’m declining, but shit, could I be?
Man, I need sleep.
I do. I’ve never gone this long without a full night’s sleep. But all I can think is that if my dad does fuck me over, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to study because what if I don’t make the draft because I could be declining. I need to graduate. Shit, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel like everything is a fucking mess?
“Hey, you.”
Coming to a halt in front of Avery to keep from running her over, I feel my eyes go wide and she laughs. Letting out a breath, I say, “Shit, I didn’t even see you.”
She grins jokingly. “Well, thanks!”
I run my hands through my hair. “Sorry, out of it.”
Her brows come together as she looks up at me. I can see her grin falling and worry filling her face. Damn it, I didn’t mean to do that. Shit. I need to get it together, fast.
Before I can say something, who the hell knows what, she says, “Um, yeah, I’d say so since I’ve been standing in front of you for the last minute and you haven’t kissed me.” Wringing her fingers together, she looks up at me through her lashes, unsure of herself. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” I say quickly, taking her face in mine and dropping my mouth to hers. Holding my wrists, she melts under my kiss, and man, it feels good. She feels good. I needed this. I needed her mouth on mine to make me feel normal and not like I’m losing my shit. Pulling away, I lean my head to hers, my eyes closed as I suck in a deep breath. “I needed that.”
She smiles, h
er eyes searching mine. “You okay?”
I nod, even though it’s not true. I’m the furthest thing from okay, but can I tell her that? What if she has her own shit she’s dealing with? Fuck, why won’t she just let me in! Letting out a breath, I shake my head. “Just a lot on my mind.”
“Wanna share?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I shrug. I wasn’t going to, I wasn’t, but then I’m unloading on her. I let her know about what happened with my family today, and how my mom loves me no matter what, even when I don’t deserve it. I tell her how I’m thinking of distancing myself from my dad, and then I somehow get into the fact that I’m declining in hockey. And when I finish, I swear I sound like a crazy person.
But when I meet her gaze, she isn’t looking at me like I am. She has nothing but concern in her eyes. Genuine concern for me. Clearing my throat, I say, “And then last night is really fucking with me.”
Her brows come together then. “What about last night?”
“I’m worried you only asked me to ask you to be my girlfriend because I kinda almost raped you.”
I know I didn’t, but I want to test the word out. See if it makes her flinch, but it doesn’t. Instead, she’s shaking her head, a grin pulling at her lips. “Jace. Be real. But before we get to that, let’s address everything else,” she says simply, her eyes on me as she laces her fingers with mine. “You aren’t declining, you’re just tired, baby. You are working yourself ragged. Between working, practice, school, and me, you have no time for you. To reboot. You need that.”
She’s right, but when? I have no time.
Before I can tell her that, she goes on, “Your family loves you no matter what and supports you. You said sorry, you owned up to your mistakes. There is nothing else you can do. Just accept it and let it go, or you are gonna drive yourself mad.”
Taking a step toward me, she wraps her arms around my waist, holding my hands with hers as her head falls back to look up at me. “And about last night, you in no way ‘kinda raped me.’ I asked you to ask me last night because I realized that I wanted to be your girlfriend. That we were never in the Javery zone. We were already in a relationship; I was just too scared to label it. And while I still am scared, I don’t want to be anything but your girlfriend.”
She says it from her heart. I can see that, hear it. For some reason, that calms me. Knocks a load off my chest. Hell, everything she said helps. I don’t know how to explain it, but she calms me. But still, the marks are there, taunting me. As I look into her eyes, I want to say something, I do. But her face is so bright. She looks so happy, and I don’t want to ruin that. I can’t ruin it.
“Blame it on the alcohol if you want, but I think it was when you held me after my almost panic attack,” she adds, her eyes searching mine. “Believe me, I want to be your girlfriend.”
Biting into my lip, I look away. “Are you gonna tell me why you almost had a panic attack?”
She shrugs. “One day.”
“Today?”
She shakes her head. “This isn’t about me. It’s about you, Jace. You need sleep, baby.”
Damn it. This is not going to be easy. “You’re right.”
“I am,” she says with a wink. “Now, why don’t you go home and go to sleep?”
“I have another shift at the shop. I doubled up so I don’t have to work on game day.”
“Okay. Well, go home afterward and sleep till tomorrow.”
“You don’t want to meet up?” I ask, moving my fingers through her long hair. “Thought maybe we could hang tonight?”
And maybe I can grow the balls to ask her about the marks.
“Not tonight. I have a date with Angie.”
“Angie?” I ask, confused. “My Angie?”
She grins. “Yup, Lucy Facebooked and asked me if I wanted to come up to the shop and make posters for tomorrow’s game with Angie. She’s been asking for me, you know, because I’m her new favorite.”
I scoff. “Please, I got years in on that kid. She is loyal to me. But cool, I’ll come.”
But she shakes her head. “No, you go sleep. Jace, you need it. You’re thinking you’re declining. That’s crazy talk from you, especially when you are amazing at everything you do.”
My lips curve and I know she’s right, but still, I want to see her tonight. “Counter offer?”
Her brow quirks up, a grin pulling at her lips. “I’m listening.”
“It’s only a two-hour shift. I’m covering for Chase while he does a supply run, no big deal. I’ll be home by two, and then I’ll sleep until you come back from my sister’s.”
She eyes me and then leans into me, going up on her tippy toes to kiss my chin. “Deal.”
Wrapping my arms around her waist, I kiss her nose. “Good.”
“You’re lucky I want to see you, like, all the time.”
“I am,” I agree, running my nose along hers. “Thanks for listening.”
She sighs at me, her arms tightening around me. “That’s what you do in a relationship, catch the crazy and help tuck it back in.”
Searching her eyes, I wonder if she is listening to herself. Doesn’t she realize I’d do the same for her? When she glares, I know she sees it in my eyes. “Shut up.”
“Just sayin’.”
“Yeah, yeah, give me a kiss. I gotta go to class.”
I go to drop my lips to hers, but then I pause. “Why were you over here?”
“Had to get some equipment so Todd and I can work on our set for this weekend. I’m on my way to meet him.”
Instant jealousy eats me alive as I look down at her. They have been practicing for a while, and I don’t like it. While she says they are just friends, I’m pretty sure Todd wants more. How could he not? She’s amazing and gorgeous, with a huge wall keeping everyone out. Not that he knows that part. But she’s hot, and I don’t miss the way people look at her. Hell, the way Todd looks at her.
“Don’t look at me like that. We’re friends. I’m your girlfriend, remember?”
“Thank God,” I say, cuddling her up in my arms. “But still, blow him off. Sing with me.”
That has her bubbling with laughter. “Ha! No. Our duet was a one-time thing, and I still can’t believe you lied to me about being able to sing.”
I feign hurt. “What? Are you saying I can’t sing?”
Grinning at me, she searches my eyes. “Please tell me you know you aren’t good?”
I grin. “Yeah, yeah, shut up,” I say, squeezing her, which makes her giggle.
“But yeah, don’t worry about Todd. I’ve got my eyes only on you,” she says with a wink.
“You better keep them there,” I warn and she nods.
“No problem,” she promises and then we are kissing. I melt into her kisses as our lips tangle and our tongues dance. Her lips are flawless and everything I crave. If I didn’t feel good before her lips touched mine, I feel amazing now. I’m not sure why her kisses take my breath away like this or even why it feels like the first time every time, but I fucking love it.
I love her.
Ah, damn it.
Walking toward my bag, I reach for my phone to see if Jace has texted me. I’ve been so worried about him since I left him at the coffee shop. He just looks so tired and worn-down. I wish I could have talked him out of working, to just go straight home to sleep, but he’s too proud. He wants to prove he can do it all, and I wish he’d slow down. We’re going to have to talk because his sleep is imperative and he hasn’t been getting any, especially when we’ve been spending every moment together. Unlike me, where I only have to worry about classes and my gigs, he has hockey, work, and classes, not to mention his family. And he’s stressing himself out.
Finally unearthing my phone from my bag, I see that Jace did text me, right at two fifteen, too.
Jace: I’m home. In my bed. I wish you were here though. Call me when you leave my sister’s.
I smile, but I won’t call him. I’m going to let him sleep and just head over when I g
et done. I should probably let him sleep the whole night, but I know he’ll be upset if I don’t come over tonight. Plus, I want to go. I miss him. Like, all the time, and I want to be with him. Gah, I still can’t believe he questioned that. I feel like he’s been hinting that he wants more for a while. And now that I’m down, he thinks it’s not real? That I was just saying that to cover up for what happened? That irritates me. I know it shouldn’t, but it does because I meant it. I want to be with him.
But I know he wants to know stuff.
My past.
My demons that I’ve locked up tight.
And I’m unsure how to tell him, but I know I need to.
Letting out a long breath, I leave the music department building and walk out to the parking lot to my car. I guess I could just tell him one thing at a time, but to be honest, I don’t want to. I don’t ever want to tell anyone that. I don’t want to relive it, but I know him. I know he wants to know. It’s my fault. I make comments about it and then hide behind the wall I have between us. Only coming out when I want.
And that’s not fair to him.
If I really want to do this, if I want to try to give him my heart, I have to give him all of it. I have to be honest. I just do. But it’s so freaking hard. Things may be easy between us, but admitting things I’ve done everything to hide and never talk about is frightening. I don’t even like talking to my therapist about it, which is probably why I’m dragging ass to my car. I don’t really like the new one here in Nashville, which is probably the only thing I don’t like in this state. But my mom says he’s the best and I should keep going. That I need to go.
When my phone starts to ring, I pull it out and grin.
Think of the devil and he shall appear.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hey, honey, what are you up to?”
“About to drive to Dr. Glasscoy’s office.”
“Oh, have you started to like him?”
“Eh, he’s not Dr. Perry.”
“Oh, you’ll get used to him. But actually, Dr. Perry is the reason I’m calling,” she says and my heart picks up. What does my old therapist have to do with her calling? Of course, within seconds, I’ve already decided I’m dying from a rare brain defect. Thankfully before I start crying, my mom says, “So don’t get upset, but your dad forgot to get your ticket for the opening game.”